A Big Fat Christian Love Story

As I’ve been growing and growing and growing like crazy in my spiritual walk, I have decided I want to do the whole relationship thing a totally different way this time.  I want to do it God’s way… whatever that means.

For all my life I have watched people trying to do the dating, relationship and marriage thing the way the world does it…  and fail miserably at it, myself included.  In the people I know and love, I see more failing than succeeding.

So, I set about trying to figure out what that means.  I searched the bible and read and read about marriage and sex before marriage and all kinds of stuff related to that.  I found that often when I was googling questions I saw the same scripture verse recycled over and over again, interpreted to mean what they wanted it to mean.  I saw people with blog posts who were WAY too conservative to align with my beliefs.  I read a few that cause me to choke on my coffee and exclaim “that’s just ridiculous!” out loud.

In trying to settle my thoughts and beliefs on this issue, I realized…  I had no idea what a “christian” love story even looks like.. for me, I mean.  I’m no 20 year old girl raised by super holy rollers.  That I can visualize, but I am a 35 year old double divorcee!

The way our culture does relationships…  dating, sex, relationship, live together, engagement, marriage…  That I can picture.  I’ve seen it happen a thousand times over, but what is the alternative?

I asked a few people and didn’t get much help, although my girlfriend The Pastor’s Wife did offer a valuable tidbit.  “It has to be a Christian” she said… and boy is she right, because no one else is going to want to do this.  lol.

So far, what I do know is I want to remain celibate until marriage, and no living together in between.  These two things alone are pretty scary to me.  I realize it is shrinking my dating pool down significantly, but I don’t want to date a lot of people… just the right one.

Next thing you know I see a christian divorcee girlfriend of mine post on Facebook that she is getting remarried.  I trust her and she and I have been through a lot.  I’ve known her for years.  I’ve known her as my customer, my bank teller, my co-worker, my employee, my friend.  We have talked through marriage, emotional abuse, custody issues, leaving your husband, moving out-of-state.  I even gave her a shining reference for her new job in a new state after she chose to leave.

Since we had been through all this… I decided I could spray her with questions and not feel badly about it at all.

Her reply to me was this…

-Is he a christian? Yes he is. Though a new Christian. He has jumped right in and is volunteering and is there every time the doors are open.

-How did you meet him? I met him on an online dating site. Do I recommend? No.. but it does happen.

-Is there an age difference? I am 32 he is 35

-How long have you been together? 5 months. Crazy huh? But, we just knew it was meant to be! Plus we are older and know what we are looking for. It was each other!!

-At what point did you realize this was really working out and actually headed for marriage? About 2 months into it. He was really hesitant to even get with me and be in a relationship. Once he committed it flew from there.

-How did he propose? We just decided to get married. No one really proposed. We just knew we were meant to be together for the rest of our lives.

-Does this situation feel differently than the first time around? in what way?

-How do you know this time is going to be different from the first time? (this question always comes back to me when I think about getting married again one day. How on earth will I know I’m not signing up for the same kind of heartbreak and problems I had last time?)

I prayed one day “God I just want someone who fits in my life. I am a single mom that is very busy. I work a lot, I’m active in the boys school life, I’m active in church, I have no time for a relationship. If I am ever going to get married he has to fit.” I had no area of my life I wanted to cut out or slow down. So it was going to have to be a God thing for it to work. He came around and just “fit”. He was willing and even excited to be apart of the things I was doing.

When he met my family, he was the first guy since my ex-husband my family had met, they thought.. wow this must be serious… and I wasn’t even sure it was going to be at this point. But, they fell in love with him.

The next weekend I met his family, His mom has never liked anyone he brought home, she fell in love with me and told him “she is the best thing that has ever happened to you, don’t mess it up or hurt her” and we have been one super close family ever since.

Both our families LOVE each other.. my boys ADORE him.. Cadence, God found my missing puzzle piece.. and it was him. He just “fits”.

-How do I know it’s different? Because it’s God not me.. I don’t know what the future holds. I just know divorce is not an option. I am going to work harder and be a wife to him as if I’m doing it until the Lord. My attitude is different, my beliefs are different and my approach is different. The only way Brian and I will make it for the next 10000 years, is to put Jesus first. Period!

When I finally surrendered all hurts, jealousy, pain, bitterness, and most of all unforgiveness, of myself and others, God did a miracle in me. He gave me a new heart. A heart that feels, that cries, that is merciful, soft, and has grace. I have emotions I’ve never had before. I don’t have walls or a hard anything about me anymore. I am vulnerable and I love it. I have no problem saying “wow that really hurt”. I don’t have to be tough anymore. When someone hurts me I cry.. I tell them.. then I pray. I’m not a jerk anymore.

It’s too exhausting to keep yourself locked up and out of hurts reach. God has really shown me what it is like to be human.. and I love it. He shows me people through his eyes and it is amazing how different people are than how they portray themselves.

Soooo…  that’s it.  My girl’s big fat christian love story.  I can picture it now.  I was also struck because it sounds like she has gone through a lot of the same healing that I’ve been going through.  I understand getting my emotions back, and the crying… Oh, so much crying over the past few months!

Much to think about though.  A few of the things in her reply kind of gave me pause..  more to come!

Published in: on December 4, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (1)  
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Wild at Heart

Wild at Heart:  Discovering the secret of Man’s soul by John Eldredge.  This book is the sort of male counterpart to Captivating (which I covered in my last post).  Also a life changing book.  I wish every man I know would read this book.  I found it so incredibly insightful, and empowering.  AND–  Ladies, if you want to understand your man… or your father or your sons… check this out.

I read this book once, then the woman’s version Captivating and I am seriously thinking about going to one of the retreats they offer.  I have no doubt it would be an incredibly healing experience, but I am leary of thrusing myself in to such an emotionally intense situation with a bunch of strangers.  I do, however, intend to read both these books again and journal my way through the Captivating workbook.

Everything made so much sense to me in understanding a man’s drive for adventure, but also the withdrawal and passivity I have seen in men I’ve loved.  Amazing book!  I gained, not just a whole new understanding of the male gender but also a whole new RESPECT.  Here’s Amazon’s description:

Every man was once a boy.  And every little has dreams, big dreams,  dreams of being the hero, of beating the bad guys, of doing daring feats and rescuing the damsel in distress. Every little girl has dreams, too: of being rescued by her prince and swept up into a great adventure, knowing that she is the beauty.

But what happens to those dreams when we grow up? Walk into most churches, have a look around, and ask yourself: What is a Christian man?  Without listening to what is said, look at what you find there. Most Christian men are . . . bored.

John Eldredge revises and updates his best-selling, renowned Christian classic, Wild at Heart, and in it invites men to recover their masculine heart, defined in the image of a passionate God. And he invites women to discover the secret of a man’s soul and to delight in the strength and wildness men were created to offer.  John Eldredge is the director of Ransomed Heart Ministries.

Published in: on November 29, 2012 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Captivating

Captivating:  Unvieling the mystery of a woman’s soul by John and Stasi Eldredge.  Another book to add to my list of great and fabulous books!  This one was fantastic!  A change your life kind of book.  It discusses what a woman is to God, how beauty enhances the world, and why the world can be so incredibly difficult for women.

Although it is a christian book, I didn’t find it the least bit conventional or chauvenistic.  I found it exciting, deep, meaningful and incredibly encouraging.  Often times I was in complete awe at how revealing it was!  It covered even taboo topics like abortion, and rape.  The authors lay thier hearts, their wounds, and thier lives wide open for all to see.  I can’t imagine how much courage it took to put that all in print!  This is my kind of spirituality!  Here’s how Amazon.com describes it:

Every woman was once a little girl. And every little girl holds in her heart her most precious dreams. She longs to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, to be the beauty of the story. Those desires are far more than child’s play. They are the secret to the feminine heart.

And yet―how many women do you know who ever find that life? As the years pass by, the heart of a woman gets
pushed aside, wounded, buried. She finds no romance except in novels, no adventure except on television, and she doubts very much that she will ever be the Beauty in any tale.
Most women think they have to settle for a life of efficiency and duty, chores, and errands, striving to be the women they “ought” to be but often feeling they have failed. Sadly, too many messages for Christen women add to the pressure. “Do these ten things, and you will be a godly woman.” The effect has not been good on the feminine soul.
But her heart is still there. Sometimes when she watches a movie, sometimes in the wee hours of the night, her heart begins to speak again. A thirst rises within her to find the life she was meant to live―the life she dreamed of as a little girl.
The message of Captivating is this: Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation. The desires you had as a little girl and the longings you still feel as a woman are telling you of the life God created you to live. He offers to come now as the Hero of your story, to rescue your heart and release you to live as a fully alive and feminine woman. A woman who is truly captivating.
If your heart has been wounded — like mine–  and your heart is open to spiritual matters, you have to check out this book!  It’s a masterpiece for healing broken hearts.
Published in: on November 27, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (2)  
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Everything is as it should be…

The “feel good” I got after those several emotionally intense days right in a row–  has continued!  I feel fantastic and have found myself with an amazingly positive attitude and plenty of energy (but not too much as to feel anxious).   I love it!!

Captain Amazing was thinking I was floating on Cloud 9 after The Ambassador of Ambiguity’s visit… and that may be partially true but I know that in the past, I’d have been looking for the next thing.  The next call, or text, or visit and I’d have been frustrated when if it didn’t come right away.  Not so the last few days…

I now feel like he’s off in his life, growing and changing — and I’m doing the same.  God is doing a work in both of us.   I can see how trying to maintain a relationship while the both of us are going through all this might well be impossible.  I think it is requiring quite a bit of solitude for both of us.

When the time is right, I think we’ll come together again…  but that time is not now.  If by some chance I am wrong, things will still be ok.  I’m content to let God unfold his plan.  I know whatever it is, it will be for my good.

I have been spending some time reading “The Word” as christian culture calls it.  When I hear a sermon, whether it be at church or on TV occasionally (love Joel Osteen), I make notes in a journal specifically for spiritual stuff.  I went through all my notes and spent hours looking up the verses that had been mentioned.

I read and pull from the scriptures things that kind of speak to me in my current situation.  Like, for instance, while I am currently having to work with Mz. Hienous–  I might feel cautioned reading Matthew 7:6 where it says “Do not give dogs what is sacred.  Do not throw your pearls to pigs.  If you do, they may trample them under their feet and turn and tear you to pieces.”

So… in doing this, I kept finding scriptures that said things like “I will restore you to health;  heal your wounds”.  I found things that talked about a city being rebuilt and about a feeling of “peace & security” there.

I have been overcome with a feeling that things are just as they should be.  I am not worried about why The Ambassador hasn’t called.  I just feel at peace with God’s plan for me.  I feel content to let Him do His work and encouraged, even excited by a deep belief that He is working all things for my good.  My ship is about to come in… I can see it on the horizon!

This may sound super holy roller to some of you…  but I’m not sure how else to explain it.  I’ve been telling myself these things for what feels like a really long time, things like “He works all things for my good” but I haven’t FELT them.  I have repeated them, sort of trying to convince myself but they hadn’t made it down deep on the inside where I actually felt them.  I still felt scared and worried.

This week I’ve started to FEEL those things.  I feel a SHIFT.  I think it’s a combination of my spirituality and the therapy.

My therapist told me that therapy is much like traveling up a flight of stairs, and this it feels like I stepped up to a new level this week.  It’s working!  I can feel it now and WOW, it’s AMAZING!

I am gaining the feeling I’ve been working for… a feeling of peace and calm deep inside.  I don’t feel like every situation in life is going to affect me heavily, and toss my emotions around like a leaf in the wind.  I am really starting to feel like… whatever happens, it’ll be ok.  I’m feeling confident and alive…  I’m starting to feel like I can face anything life throws my way.

I still have work to do, of course.  I still feel anxious at times, and I’m sure if I tried to jump in the car with someone else and drive out-of-town I’d probably have a panic attack…  BUT I see a bright glimmer.  My ship is coming in…  I see it on the horizon!

Published in: on November 6, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (6)  
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An Overwhelming Emotional Experience

I had been journaling about my recent break up the other day when I realized that it wasn’t so much The Ambassador I was angry at for some of the things that happened… but at myself.  I was really angry at myself for seeing some things and not saying anything about them.  I once saw him chatting with a girl on Facebook.  He quickly closed it, and I told myself I had nothing to worry about… but I still think about that.  It bothers me and I should have said something.

There are a few situations like this that are still gnawing at me today and I realized it’s not him I need to forgive really…  It’s me.  Forgiveness is a peculiar thing.  For instance, I have read that the more you try to will forgiveness, the longer it takes… and even more frustrating…  It seems forgiving yourself is often much harder than forgiving others.

So, I had come to the realization that it was myself I needed to forgive but I wasn’t sure how to go about.  I was pissed that I was weak and afraid and didn’t say word one about it.  I just held it in, and it still bothers me to this day.  I was angry that I had been so afraid that I held back some things and didn’t protect our relationship.  I was also angry at myself about this anxiety bs.  I feel like I am scared all the time.  Where’s my strenght?!  What have I become?

I turned this over in my mind through out Sunday morning.  I had to pick up my kiddos from thier Dad’s house.  He co-habitates with a woman who has 3 of her own children…  So, as you can imagine, it gets chaotic over there.  I was trying to help her find some tights, and as I stepped in to her room and saw clothes piled up, and drawers packed so full you couldn’t open them– she and I both started feeling overwhelmed.  My little girl even started to tear up.

I comforted her and calmed her down.  As I did that, I realized that I am going through this rough time so I can teach my children how to find thier peace as well.  The world is much like their Dad’s house.  It can get chaotic and wear on you and it’s filled with people who just keep buying more junk and piling it on the top instead of managing what was already there.  Filled with people who care more about how things look than what they actually are.

I am learning how to find peace in a crazy world, so I’ll be able to teach that to them too.

Once we got to church, the kids took off to thier children’s classes and I stood in the front row, heart wide open, singing praises… feeling the tears run down my face.  (That happens quite often for me.  I’m the church crier.)  The Pastor got  up to speak and talked some about trying to find peace in a wild world.  I wasn’t too surprised because when the Lord is trying to tell me something, he often tells me more than once… but when he started talking about counting your blessings… all the things that God has done for you, I had a startling experience.

Parts of my life flashed through my mind like they were on a movie screen in fast forward.  It was old things, but today too.  I was flooded with all the ways the Lord gives me strength every single day.  He has rescued me, carried me through and sustained me.  Although I felt weak, what flashed before my eyes were a million different things He gives me strength in each and every day.

I am out here in California all alone, thousands of miles away from my family.  I have lived an extraordinary life…  it may feel ordinary now, but even in that–  I am doing what everyday joes just don’t do…  I’m writing a book, employed in meaningful work, crawling through therapy.  All the things flooded over me like a tsunami and I was racked with sobs.  They were tears of overwhelming joy.

I was so moved and overcome with tears that I almost ran out of there… but instead, two of my girlfriends who know most of what has been happening with me…  Swept around me like mother birds and held me in their arms until the service ended and I could take a break and tell them what happened.

I don’t know how else to explain the power of this even to you, except to say that it was completely overwhelming.   I had an emotional hangover for the rest of the day….  but joy came in the morning.  🙂

Published in: on October 28, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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In The Days Following…

Today I was thinking about how much I’ve changed over the last year…  Specifically I was thinking about some pivotal people that God sent in to my life and I found myself unquestionably changed by them.

There was the gal that drew me back to the Lord.  We were really friends, more acquaintances, but as I got to know her better I saw that her religious background completely mirrored mine.  She’s the only one that could have done it… drew my back to the Lord.  Before her, you couldn’t drag me in to a church kicking and screaming.  God put her in my life to change me and I’m so thankful for that.  While it was happening, I didn’t realize I was changing so much… but it’s very clear to me now.

The Ambassador was also one of those pivotal people for me.  I am changed by him…  Being with someone who prays everyday, and shares my spirituality changed the way I look at relationships, and what I want out of them.

I stood at church and watched my friends… the Pastor and his wife snuggle up and pray together and I thought–  That’s what I want.   I’ve come to this place where I truly believe that the only way a relationship can survive and endure with the way the world is today is to be brought together by God.  In fact, even to be able to find each other…  to meet someone who is your match body, soul and spirit is a miracle.  It seems like there are ten thousands things that have to come together to make that happen, but it does.  It happens every day, all over the world.

The Hunky Mechanic has been messaging me.  He’s been waiting for me to come out of this reclusive funk.  He says I mean so much to him and he doesn’t want me to get away again… but I think he’s lonely.  We are two good people who have managed to find each other.  We aren’t a perfect match, but we aren’t a disaster so it makes us want to cling to the possibility…  but I want more than that.  I want that relationship that challenges me…  a man who grows with me.

Plus, the conversation I tried to have with him about spirituality did not go well, so with him I don’t see myself getting the man who will hold me and pray with me asking for God’s guidance when things seem overwhelming.  I don’t see him as the man who will take my hands when I’m shedding tears of joy and thank the Lord for all he’s given us.

It seems everything I’ve read, and every sermon I’ve heard the last couple days have shouted “Don’t Settle!”  I even came across a sermon from a popular pastor in our area… and he talked about finding someone who matches you in those three ways… body, soul, and spirit.  He said so much that made so much  sense– talking about how often people marry the wrong person and make things harder on themselves.  You can make things work with 2 out of 3 but it takes a lot of work.

He also said don’t run around trying to make something happen, just rest and let the Lord bring that person in to your life.  He said when it’s right you’ll know… it won’t take loads of prayer to figure it out.  I agree and that’s what I’m going to do…  continue waiting on the Lord.  Now to have a talk with The Mechanic.

Published in: on July 15, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (8)  
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The Word of The Day is — SURRENDER

While I try not to put too much religious or spiritual stuff on this blog, it is certainly a part of who I am and my search for a soul mate.  Today I had the most spiritual day of my life and I am feeling compelled to share.

I have something called a “God Can”.  It’s something I heard about while attending Al-Anon, as I was in the midst of dating a raging alcoholic and trying to deal with that.

When it was explained to me in Al-Anon, I was told to write down those things that are weighing on you.  You write down these concerns and give them to God.  The can is a symbol, or ritual if you will, of doing just that.  The Al-Anon peeps said not to open the can, as those of us who find ourselves in relationships with alcoholics are often ramapant control freaks and don’t need to be checking up on God and making sure he’s getting it done.

In continuing my personal growth work and reading “Calling in The One”, I came upon a section where the author describes a “God Box”.  (I still like “God Can” better.  It serves to remind me, like a mantra, that whatever is going on in life, God can take care of it.  God can do it.  Even if you can’t —  God can.)  It’s basically the same idea as the “God Can” but I mention it because at one point the author suggested that it’s no cardinal sin to open the can and take a look…  So that’s what I did.

I had written down some concerns to put in the can…   Things related to The Ambassador, my personal growth, my finances.  As I removed the lid from my tin vintage Quaker Oats can replica, I paused…  I stared down in to the folded papers, and thought about the book.  With very little internal struggle (it simply felt right) I reached down and started to unfold the papers and read them one by one.  Concerns, stresses, and frustrations of nearly 4 years were hidden away in there, and when I pulled them out I was showered with blessings.  If you really want to see God working in your life, look in that God Can.

I was overwhelmed with emotion looking at each piece of paper and realizing that God had not only answered my prayers in all manner of different ways…  setting my heart right with a certain situation, improving my interactions with my ex-husband, increasing my appreciation for my wonderful children, even in finding a better job but he had done so in grand fashion.

The job one was big because when I read the note, I realized I had given it to God having no prospects on the horizon.  I simply said “God, I don’t know how you’re going to do it, but I need a better job.  I need health insurance, and….” etc.  At no point did I mention the agency I work for, or even a specific career field I had been considering.  I was willing to go where ever God took me.  I only knew I needed a better job.

There was much thankfulness in that can and in my heart as I was powerfully aware that not only had God answered my prayers but he had done so in an enormous way.  He had given to me more abundantly than I could have ever imagined.  Not only did I find a better job, but one that I deeply love.  It’s not just a job, but a career  and in a field I hope to stay until until the end of my days.  He did provide the health insurance I had asked for… not just insurance, but better than I’d had before (when I was married) along with a whole host of other benefits.  It wasn’t easy but He carried me along through the training to finally be released, despite others working against me.  In that, I was left with the conviction that–  if God’s going to get it done, no one is going to stand in the way.

I also had the realization that I have been struggling against what he’s trying to do in my life right now, and in struggling…  in wishing something or someone was different than what it or he actually is, I am missing out on the joy of what IS there.

In my life this struggling results in high levels of anxiety.  The anxiety sends waves of panic, and ripples all through out many areas of my life.  It’s not just the hoping or wanting for something to be different than it is, but also worrying about what will happen.  Life is not a straight arrow, there are curves in the road, and worrying about those curves can send my panic lever straight in to overdrive.  At that point, all I can see is the panic.  All my energies are spent managing that, instead of allowing me to be present and enjoy.

During this type of meditation, solitude, simmering- whatever you’d like to call it -I often have words float in to my head.  It can be described as intuition, messages from your higher self, or even messages from God, which is what I believe.  As I sat there reading, praying, and crying, I was told I needed to pray about this anxiety with my Pastor.  I resolved to do just that and went about my day.

Sunday came and I had to draaag my ass out of bed, since I’ve been consciously adjusting myself preparing to work graveyard shifts.  I spoke to the pastor as soon as I walked in the door and told him I’d like to pray together after the service.

The service was good and I was able to draw from it, but mostly I was having a spiritual experience in my own head.  As I attempted to organize my thoughts… take the cloud of words, worries and concerns, and shrink them down in to a neat little package so I didn’t end up babbling on to the pastor for hours and not making sense.  While I was in this mode, my heart listened to God tell me how to express it.

After the service the pastor called his wife up to the front, and asked that those who had spoken to him earlier come forward to pray.  This was a beautiful occurence, because in many churches he’d have called a bunch of dudes up to the front to pray with him, but he didn’t.  He called for his partner.  I loved that.

I was the first in line.  The pastor and his wife are both friends of mine.  They are close in age to where I am.  In fact, the pastor himself being just 2 years older.  I have been in their home, and spent time hiking and talking with the pastor’s wife in the past.

I hugged her, as the pastor gathered some chairs together.  I sat and expressed my concerns.  I told them about the God can, and how I had realized that my personal energy was out of wack.  I’ve got the “doing” down pat.  I am an active person and have no problem reading, writing, praying, working on a problem, but on the flip side, I have an incredibly difficult time surrendering.  I need to get my heart right.  I need balance.  Because I am having trouble surrendering to the work God is doing in my life (and in me), I can not enjoy the blessings he’s giving me.

They each put a hand on me and we bowed our heads to pray.  When the pastor spoke, I was truly awestruck.  He prayed for me, mentioning the situation with The Ambassador.  Later I asked him “How did you know?” I hadn’t mentioned anything about The Ambassador that day.   I have talked to them about The Ambassador of Ambiguity on several occasions, in fact they have met him.  I even told them about the most recent break up, but that was weeks ago and I very well could have been on to something or someone totally different by now.  The pastor didn’t reply, but I’m sure if he had, he’d have just said “God told me.”

The pastor prayed that my mistrust of men would be healed.  In my God can I had asked for this same thing and God has brought me a long way in that but apparently the work is not finished….  and finally the pastor mentioned my bumps and bruises along the way.

Although, I consider them friends, they don’t know the kind of life I’ve lived.  They know somethings, but the bumps and bruises are so much more than they know.

The pastor also prayed that I would be able to trust the Lord with the parts of my life that I have not yet surrendered to him, and I thought about that.  He’s right… in most of my life, I have given it to God..  in my career and my home, and those parts are rolling along smoothly.  But when it comes to my relationships I’ve not completely given that over.  In fact, I truly believe The Ambassador is the first man God has brought in to my life at my request, but after that it seems I stopped asking for his guidance.

From there I headed to the park for a walking meditation.  God’s words poured in to my head.  He explained so many things about this situation and the men in my life.  One of the first things I was told was that he has instilled a trinity in my life to heal my mistrust of men.  By this, I mean men that are in my life on a daily basis.  It’s Mr. X, Captain Amazing, and The Ambassador.

While I have learned much from others in my life, these three are by far some of the most important and they had to be men.  Even further, while they all have many terrific qualities, each of them brings one special quality to the table.

With Mr. X it’s reliability.  He’s solid as a rock.  I know he’ll always be in my life, and where ever he is, even if he’s 3500 miles away, if I need him he’ll  move mountains to get there or send someone in his stead.  In fact, he’s this way with everyone in his life.

Captain Amazing brings total acceptance.  I’m not sure why but Captain Amazing truly sees me.  He knows me, and knows my heart.  Sometimes he sees me clearer than I see myself.  Maybe it’s because we are similar in that way, but for whatever reason he sees me.  There is something about him that allows me to show him parts of myself that at times, I’m not real proud of… and from him I get total acceptance.  I believe this is just part of his core.  He accepts people for who they are, and loves them in his way.

Finally, and this last one for me is the most important.  The Ambassador of Ambiguity brings gentleness.  It’s something that’s hard to put my finger on.  He’s not always the most considerate person in the world, as he gets all wrapped up in his own head, but there is a gentleness about him.  He’s in my life, in part, to show me that men can be gentle with my heart.  I’m sure this one is incredibly important to me because I’ve been through much abuse as a child and been hurt a lot in my own adult relationships too.

I have often heard The Ambassador talk about himself as being sensitive… TOO sensitive, he says, but today the Lord told me — this is not some burden he’s been saddled with.  It’s a beautiful gift and so rare.

During my “conversation” with God, I was also told that when I see these three qualities come together, I’ll know he’s “the one”.  It’s funny.  I was very aware of the fact that the Lord didn’t say when you meet him you’ll see the qualities.  I often wonder if “the one” God is preparing for me is someone already in my life, or someone I have yet to meet.  He said “when you see these qualities come together.”

“I am doing a work in you,” were also words that came in to my head during this walking meditation.  I was told he’s doing work in The Ambassador too, and he brought us in to each others lives to help one another…  to prepare each other for what comes next.  I don’t know what that means exactly, but for me I believe it means my extraordinary relationship.  For The Ambassador it seems to be something related to him being in this space between where he came from and who he will become.

I was comforted, and told it’s ok to be in the in between space with The Ambassador…. as we’re friends but there’s more than that in the feelings. (Not just for me, but for him too)  It’s ok to have these romantic feelings about him, but that doesn’t mean that I should stop seeing other people.

The Lord is doing a work in me, and it’s important that it get done so that when my extraordinary love does arrive, I won’t mess it up.  This gave me an audible laugh…. like “oh, you know me so well.”

My last question in conversation with the Lord was whether or not to share all this with The Ambassador.  I don’t share a lot of spiritual stuff.  I find it a –highly– personal experience.  I’m very careful who I share it with.  Plus, I had a step-dad, an abuser, who used the church to justify his horrendous actions and I don’t want to be seen as that kind of person… a religious person, as opposed to spiritual.  I don’t want to be pegged or pigeon holed, or scorned and lectured for my more unconventional beliefs.

The answer to my question was not just yes, but oddly specific.  I am to share this information with The Ambassador tomorrow.  We are to go walking on the same path at the park where I was today and I’m to share it with him then.

Throughout the day, I have given every little thing to the Lord.  Every time I ask myself a question that requires a decision, even something as simple as what to eat for breakfast… I stop and listen first, then follow what the Lord is telling me.  I am hoping that in working that muscle, I’ll find the key to being able to surrender the relationships part of my life to God too.

Now, readers, if you respond to this post (and you are welcome to do so) please be gentle with your words— as this is a tender part of myself I’ve shared, and it wasn’t easy to do.  Thanks for reading……  -Cadence

Published in: on April 19, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (21)  
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