Special Post: You Can’t Always Get What You Want

We all know that line from The Rolling Stones "You can't always get what you want and if you try sometimes you might find, you get what you need." Captain Amazing said this line to me before. The lyrics are fairly confusing, if you ask me... but I'll tell you what's on my mind. Think of it like this..

You could write a list of alllll the things you want in a partner. That's what you WANT. On the table in front of you there is also a wax sealed envelope with a list made by God of qualities you NEED in order to feel madly in love and sustain an amazing and fantastic relationship long term. You can not read God's list, and His list may be VERY different from the yours. There is simply no way to tell.

The Sultry School Teacher and I went to Captain Amazing's Christmas Party last night. She met him and put a face to a name... He's the man I talk about incessantly. He's my absolute best friend.

We talked about his current girlfriend, Ms. Perfect. No sarcasm intended.. She really seems perfect. I like her very much, and she was SO sweet at the party introducing me as the Captain's "absolute BEST friend in the world". She's all Captain Amazing wants in his life for the perfect partner. If he created a list of things that are important to him, like for his partner to be athletic and active, tall, from a good family and an open and honest kind of person, she's all that. But, for some reason they don't have that "spark plus".

Spark plus is the Captain's description of that magic, that inexplicable pull you feel around some people. It's the chemistry or fireworks that is often accompanied by a physical reaction. It's that something extra that makes you light up and shine when you are in the presence of that particular soul.

As we talked those lyrics popped in my head , and I told The Sultry School Teacher-- "I don't know, I think we don't always know what we need. We might be able to put together a list of things we WANT. It's all logical and cerebral but I think we don't always know what we NEED to get that spark plus feeling."

You see, Captain Amazing's last girlfriend, who he was madly in love with-- had that spark plus. THEY have it, I should say (that's one thing with the Spark Plus, for all you creepers out there, it's mutual)... but other aspects of the relationship were incredibly difficult. Still, what is it that gives him that feeling of being drawn to her? If we could figure that out, we'd have this dating and relationship stuff pinned down... But you can't. It's emotion. It's almost the oposite of logic. It could be deeply psychological, subconcious even. My point it, we don't always know what we need.

You may know yourself inside and out. You may be The Super Guru of Self Help, but even in that case people know what they want.... but not always what they need to sustain thier happiness long term and/ or find that electrifying spark plus.

The Sultry School Teacher is in agreement with me. Furthermore, I'm not certain we can always feel that spark plus right away. I think, for me, I might realize I am deeply attracted to someone right away. Or my mind might be screaming at me "Heeeey! This is a good person!" I can usually tell if there is potential or not, but I can't say I know if that spark plus is there until I am in some sort of relationship with that person for some amount of time. I also feel it differently with different people.

With Mr. Cool, I saw the potential right away. Looking back, I remember the rush I had the very second I saw his profile on match.com, and we had THE greatest first date I'dve ever had The feellings came fast. There were still uncomfortable moments, but I knew after probably 4 dates or so. I was starting to fall in love with him in a really intense way and we had the spark plus.

I remember the day I realized how crazy I was about him, and that it would not work. He wants a lifestyle that I do NOT, and I knew I had to hit the brakes. Mr. Cool wants a triangle, himself and two women (he has one already, who wants the same thing). I'm not talking about just the sexy stuff, I mean actually a relationship... and I don't share well with others. A situation like that would just NOT be a good place for me to be emotionally. I pulled over on the side of the road when my vision was so blurred by tears I couldn't drive. I called up Captain Amazing and was wracked with sobs as I sorted out the thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart.

Then there was The Steamy Carpenter I dated just after I split with my ex-husband. I was SO stupid happy with him. Despite my marriage crumbling and living in this scary apartment in a crime ridden neighborhood, I was in total, complete and utter bliss.

There were little clues right at first (in hindsight there are always clues, but usually nothing so overt that I'd pick up on it), like the site of him standing in his doorway as I moved into the apartment building --burned in my brain... but still, I didn't know right away.

I wasn't even incredibly attracted right away. I'd been flirting with his buddy, and then when we did have a couple dates, it was sort of awkward. It seemed to come in a fairly gradual fashion, maybe medium speed in my book. After 3 months I was absolutely destroyed and beside myself when he broke it off. I thought I'd never love like that again. We had it-- The spark plus, in a big way.

It was also a different process entirely with The Smokin' Hot Fireman ex-boyfriend. I didn't know it, or feel it -- for several months. Quite a long time actually. I remember telling my BFF at the time that he had said the "L" word. "What did YOU say?" she asked. "I said it back" I sighed. "Gonna jump on that train are ya?" she said while we both laughed.

But now I can look back at that relationship and know, thus far, he is the love of my life. I loved him like crazy, madly, truly, deeply. I will always have love for him. I was intoxicated by him, drunk on his kisses.

All that intense emotions, coupled with some good equipment and mad skills, he was also the hottest lay I've ever had. Alas, he is an addict and plays out an addict's cycle in his life.. Succeeding some then crashing through self defeating actions over and over again. I can't hang with that.

That seems to me like quite a few in the last five years, but I figure, when you meet a lot of people and you are closely paying attention to how you are feeling (not what you're thinking), you have a better chance of meeting a spark plus. I'm also pretty damn proud of the fact that I have not wasted much time over the last few years with men who don't stir my soul a la spark plus. Funny, I don't remember even being aware of or thinking about this type of attraction when I was a young girl and single.

So, Captain Amazing wants it all. He wants all the things on his list, and all the passion of spark plus as well. I have to wonder though, what if those mysterious things he needs to create spark plus for him are different from the things on his want list? Since we can't pin down what it is that creates spark plus, how do we know we aren't making lists of traits that are contradictory to what we need?

As for me, yeah, I guess I want it all too... but I refuse to make a list about someone's profession, background, hobbies or political views. For me, that junk just isn't important. It's the way I feel when we are together that makes the difference. I'm lookin' for the feeling, and then I'll go from there.

Published in: on December 4, 2011 at 5:13 pm  Comments (2)  
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