The Body and All It’s Connected To

This is a repost of one of my stories from April of 2011…  it’s a good read but also–  this guy is still text messaging me with the same ol’ sexy flirtations.  It’s been over year!  *eye roll*  Anyway, hope you enjoy.

For all you readers that don’t remember.. Mr. Off Limits is a guy who works for the same company as my ex-husband.  He’s a stocky buff body builder type, complete with motorcycle and zany personality.

He saw me on Plenty of Freaks a couple months ago and popped up a chat box to say “hi”.  He now pops up every week and a half or so to flirt like crazy with me via text message.  He and I have both said it’s too bad he’s with that company– it makes him off limits but he’s fun and I think we spend a fair amount of time boosting each other’s egos.

Mr. Off Limits seems to be fairly inexperienced, especially for a guy in his early thirties.  This intrigues me, and I have to admit I playfully taunt him with some of my “outdoor adventures”, some indoor adventures and other brief titillating facts.

Mr. Off Limits had this girlfriend who was NOT adventurous when it came to sex.   She was also a raging bitch.

I, on the other hand, am not a bitch.  I’ve been called “nice” more times than I can count… but more in a naughty in the bedroom but nice otherwise way.  😉

This guy has been, ummmm, fairly communicative I guess.  However, I think that’s simply out of necessity.  He strikes me as someone who shares as little as he can possibly get away with.  He’s very much like my ex-husband.

Well, now he’s got Friends With Benefits (FWB) on the brain.  He’s all but straight out asked me to be his FWB.  I’ve thought about it.  He’s sexy and complimentary and all…. but honestly, I don’t want to.

Why do guys do that??  I want a RELATIONSHIP.  What makes men think I’m FWB material?  (do NOT answer that!  it’s a rhetroical question.)  Why would you want some kind of “better than nothing” situation anyway?  I think those relationships just drag people down.  It’s depressing to be with someone who doesn’t think you are amazing, special, one of a kind.. and worth anything life can throw at you.  It affects a person’s self esteem.

AND I am worth more than that.  I am fighting off feeling indignant about men just wanting to fuck me and nothing more.

I love all those rom coms like “Love and Other Drugs” and “No Strings Attached” where a fantastic relationship grows out of FWB but I don’t think it happens that way in real life.  One person always grows feelings and the other one still wants no strings.  So, the one with the feelings gets hurt and yet has no business being upset because the intentions were clear from the get go.

I am a passionate, emotional woman and I have an amazing ability to see the good in people.  I know I’d probably be the one to grow feelings.  I mean, they call it “intimacy” for a reason, don’t they?

I’m sorry but avoiding the drama and secret keeping with this guy is not an answer because it’s a small town… a VERY small town.  Someone will see someone else’s car at someone’s house at all hours of the night and word will get out.

Plus, I haven’t spent any time in person with him, so it’s not like I know we’re not right for each other but the chemistry is so delicious I can’t resist.

Why should I anyway??  I’m really not that badly in need of sex, and if I go down that road, it ends up being– the more I get, the more I want.  Then I’d have that whole thing to deal with, and round and round we go.

So, if he thinks all I’m worth is a good time in the sack (and I AM a good time.. hahaha), then he can go somewhere else.

Let me break it down for you boys… if you want my company..  If you are interested in my heart and my head, as well as my body…  If you are looking for something real and aren’t paralyzed by a fear of getting hurt……….  I’ll consider it, but if you’re just after the body — then forget you.  I’m saving that for a man who will truly appreciate it and all it’s connected to.

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Published in: on September 23, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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Bad Bad Pillow Talk–

I have way more boobage than her... just sayin'.

After rolling around naked with The Ambassador the other day… He hit me with some terribly inappropriate pillow talk. While we were literally still connected, he looked at me and asked “Do you ever think about Captain Amazing while we’re having sex?”

Now, I know my jaw dropped… I was kind of horrified that he would ask me that in this moment. I instantly responded “No!”

In his humorous Ambassador style he immediately started trying to be funny about it, telling me he could try and imitate Captain Amazing’s voice if I wanted. I was not laughing and slid on over to my own side of the bed.

My head was still spinning. Did he really just ask me that? What the hell! I started to ask The Ambassador the same question about The Sneaky Bitch, but stopped myself short. I try -never- to ask questions I don’t want to know the answer to. I knew if that answer went sideways, I’d feel like smashing things, or crying… maybe both… AND I’d still be naked and in this intimate circumstance with him.

Of course, he didn’t want to let it go. I’m sure he pretty much knew what I was about to ask and -wanted- very much to answer it. He badgered me until I finally spilled.

“No! No, no way, of course not.” He said ” I -never- think about a different person when I’m in bed. That kind of thing just doesn’t work for me.”

I just shook my head.

“Aren’t you glad you asked the question?”

“No,” I sighed, “To be honest, I kind of wish the entire conversation had never happened.”

You see, The Ambassador knows about Captain Amazing. In fact, he’s met him. We had a dinner party with our friends, and of course Captain Amazing was there. He’s my bestie.

Well, apparently The Ambassador’s bestie is some kind of magician at reading people and picked something up by the way we interacted at the party. Later, (we were fully clothed at the time) The Ambassador asked me if Captain Amazing and I had previously had a relationship. I said “No, not really. We went out a few times. I met him on Plenty of Fish.”

Then he laid it on the line… No big surprise, I knew where it was going. “Did you ever have sex?”

I simply replied “Yes” and did not elaborate. He didn’t ask any further details, which is good because I would not have provided them. That’s the key to answering a question like that. Be truthful but don’t offer details. Nothing good can come from details in that situation.

I expected these kinds of questions would arise if I chose to stay friends with men I’ve dated. I’m fine with that. I realize I need a partner who is emotionally mature enough to not feel threatened.

The Ambassador has handled the information well, and when the topic comes up he learns a little bit more. I have let him know that Captain Amazing and I are just not a match. We have been friends through all kinds of situations. He even stayed at my place when both of us were in between relationships and still nothing happened. We know what we are, and it’s exactly where we want to be.

In turning the situation over in my mind, I realize, it wasn’t the question I found so offensive, but instead, the timing of the question… and I let him know that. When I am in bed with you, I want to be close with YOU– not talking about other people. Can we save that for another, preferably fully clothed, moment in time please? Sheeesh!

Published in: on March 4, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (5)  
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Allllllmost a Home Run

FAIL

My V-day was pretty damn good this year. The Ambassador had a whole plan. He set his alarm and woke up at 4am then proceeded to gather a crazy amount of balloons, wine, card and a gift that he picked up on our trip when I wasn’t looking.

He gathered all these treasures and drove over to my work. He pulled up to the electronic gate which holds access to our fenced yard topped with razor wire. He buzzed dispatch where he was needlessly hassled by my fellow dispatchers (one of which has already met him in person and eaten his cooking!) and -almost- not let through. (Jealous bitches!)

Luckily, one of my wine girls… a full-fledged member of our group which we are now calling the DD’s (sexy shortened name for Dazzling Divorcees). When she realized they were contemplating blocking his sweet V-day surprise, she full on blasted them. “If it were anyone elses boyfriend, you’d let him in. Now, LET HIM IN!”
He zipped in and set up a display of his well thought out gifts then zipped out. No harm, no foul.

When I arrived and saw the balloons, thinking someone else had received them. I was quickly corrected. “Those are for you!” Said one of my co-workers, who was remarkably enthusiastic considering she wasn’t even going to let him through the fucking fence.

There stood a giant mass of balloons, a beautiful pink and white orchid, two bottles of wine, a card, and a silly little belt buckle I had eyed while we were antiquing.
The bottles of wine were one called “Scrapbook” and one featuring an image of a huge rooster named Rex Goliath on the front. He thought he was soooo funny giving me two things I like… Scrapbooking and a big cock. Hahahaha!

The card had a donkey on it. The front said “If loving you is a crime” and inside it read “then throw my happy ass in jail!” Cute… although I find it a little odd that he uses the L word in all kinds of different ways (like this, and “I love being with you”, “I love that about you” etc) even though he has never said it bookened with the standard “I” and “You”. Whatev… He also wrote some sweet things inside, like about me being sweet and understanding.

Recently I have been reading “The Five Love Languages” — my language is “Words of Affirmation”, but I found his words kind of luke warm. Ah well, not going to obsess over it.

We texted throughout the day, as I was working. When I got off work, I learned he’d made reservations at my favorite little italian restaurant. It’s a fabulous little place, with rock walls, dim lighting and romantic murals. They have great food, and great wine.

He took my head and lead me inside, right to a sweet booth where he sat next to me. I love when my guy does that. I feel like it’s just another way to be close to me. We had a fabulous dinner, eating off each others plates and probably making another couple, who was clearly there out of some sense of obligation, want to smash things.

I finally had a chance to give him my gift. I had been thinking about his gift for close to a month. I had the hardest time deciding what the right thing was… Finally, considering that he is on the verge of a promotion and only owns one tie, I bought him a kick ass power tie. It’s a fantastic tie, and fairly expensive. He looooved it, and woefully confessed he had screwed up his other tie, so his one tie predicament remained.

Once he had bought me a fantastic dinner, we headed home. We attempted to get through a movie, but fter a 12 hour shift and late dinner, we didn’t get very far… Plus, he had to work the next day, so he shut off the TV and we climbed in to bed.

Well, as I have stated so many times before… I’m a horny bitch, so I’m thinking “Yeah, baby, bring on the hot V-day sex!” I was cuddled up laying on my side as The Ambassador slid up behind me… He touched me firmly, grabbed my shoulder, bit my neck. Oooh, I was -impressed- and tossed my head back moaning. Then he stopped. I’m not kidding, he just stopped. He rolled over on to his side, away from me.

I immediately flipped over, and slipped up behind him, reaching and grabbing… It took me about 2 seconds to realize, he was being unresponsive to my touches. (I know, people, He’s a strange cat) All the plumbing was workin’ fine, but he remained turned away from me as if he were just going to float off to dreamland. Wtf?

“Really?” I said, “you’re just going to go to sleep?”

He just layed there. I pulled away in the darkness, and sat up staring at the clock. 10:45pm. My mind was racing. What the hell was he doing? What is this, some kind of power play? I don’t get it. I just can’t compute.

I decided, if it was some kind of power play then I need to recoup some. I’m not going to sit here in the dark feeling all confused and uncomfortable. I’ll never going to be able to sleep. Oh hell NO! All that effort, and he just blew it up. Epic V-day FAIL!

I started to move around and get dressed in the dark. THEN he rolled over.

“What are ya doin’?” he asked.

“I’m going home.” I whispered.

He replied something like “oh, ok” in a tone that said “I have no problem with that.”

I decided I needed to say a few things before I went. Honestly, I wasn’t angry, but completely bewildered.

I took a deep breath and softly said “You were really just going to go to sleep? I would understand if you don’t want to have sex but don’t toy with me…. I just don’t get it. You did all those things. We had a wonderful day, and then you just… That makes it even more confusing. **sigh** I mean usually if the girl is good to go, then it’s game on.

I don’t know if maybe you feel the need to control it, like you just don’t want me to hold any cards in this relationship… I don’t even get to have the sex card? I don’t know. I don’t understand, but it doesn’t feel good.” as I pulled on my boots.

“Ok” he said. I kissed him gently, and I left.

I puttered around the house, let my dogs out, and sat in my camping chair on the back porch, quiet smoke from my cigarette swirling up in to the night. I still couldn’t quite wrap my head around why he did what he did, but I managed to get in to bed and fall asleep anyway.

I woke up in the morning to 2 apology texts and a private Facebook message explaining that he was trying to be playful and didn’t realize it was a play on my emotions. He has no desire to control our sex and he promised never to do that again.

I was fully satisfied. In fact, I would have been fine with just the first text message, to tell you the truth. I had decided that we are still learning each other and I guess nonverbal communication isn’t our strongest point.

He did much more than that. He even explained why he didn’t ask me not to go… He was apparently dumb struck by my reaction, and further by his having gotten himself in to trouble. He simply floated down, instead of thrashing around while drowning.

I figured it was something like that. I have learned with him, that if I say my piece then let him be… He’ll come around. I’ve learned not to try to press him, it never ends well. I just need to be patient.

He ran the story by a couple of friends, who gasped and covered their mouths– He was met with all kinds of shock and awe.. “Oh, you did NOT do that!” “Damn dude, you’ve gotta eat crow… like a lot of it!” He started to understand more of why I was bothered.

He did come around. Even more than that, we kind of worked through what happened. I told him that for me, sex is an extension of our emotional connection, and I -really- enjoy it. I’m not in the mode of trying to protect my heart and look at it like it’s “just sex”.

He further explained that in his mind, he thought that I’d just turn the tables on him– and get all aggressive. That’s who he’s dated in the past… desperate, insecure, aggressive women. Well, I’m not that girl. I’m assertive and very sexually responsive, but I’m not about to violate someone’s boundaries— or continue down the foreplay path while being ignored. NOPE, not doin’ it.

We got through the situation, and pretty damn smoothly I’d say. I am, however, keeping my eyes wide open. There are two areas that are just kind of nagging at me. They are SEX– not getting enough, and WORDS OF AFFIRMATION– also not getting enough. Wow, I sound needy. lol– we’ll see what happens…

Published in: on February 23, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (19)  
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That Did -NOT- Just Happen!

I just had the craziest week. Sheer insanity, with a double dose of wtf.

My stupid heater is broken and I had to have the technician come and look at it at $70 bucks an hour. I was NOT happy about this as I had already stretched my budget by dropping an unexpected $400 on fuel for the damn thing.

Turns out it needed a part. I drove over 100 miles to get said part. When I returned, the Tech came back to my house, and guess what… It was the wrong part!

When I called the company to complain, the woman answering the phone was hella rude and hissed, “Well, you should have looked at it before you left.” To add to it, the super holy roller technician was still there so I felt compelled to refrain from bitching, blowing a gasget, and swearing up a storm. So, now, if I want to return it, I’m going to have to drive the 100 miles all over AGAIN!

The Tech thought he fixed the heater, but it only worked until he walked out the door and then broke again like a silent F-U to my efforts. I cuddled up in my bedroom with it all closed off and still shivering. My old ineffective lil electric heater trying mightily to heat the place up.

That night, The Ambassador sent me all these sexy text messages. I thought that was really bizarre. All that time, and now he wants to be sexy. I dismissed it. Didn’t want to over-think and figured maybe he was just messing with me.

Called the tech the next day. He ran around trying to get the correct part. He found it and even said he’d come back AFTER hours and mercifully not charge me extra for this– or for having to come back a third time. I just had to pay for the new part.

Now, I should tell you­- the guy who owns the heating and air place goes to my church. He’s got a heart for service and has helped me out before. When I bought my gorgeous foreclosure, I asked the Pastor to come and help me paint before I moved in. The owner of the heating and air company not only came to help but also brought supplies AND his entire crew. Since it was during one of their normal work days, he even paid them. They are good good folks.

So.. as I come rollin’ up thinking the technician would be there any minute… I see a huge stack of wood in my front yard. My jaw dropped. It’s an entire cord of wood. You see, these guys knew I had wood heat but ran out of wood. Because of my purchase of heating fuel, I couldn’t afford to drop another $200 on a load of wood. A couple of the guys from the heating and air company, and their wives, cut it, split it and delivered it. I was almost in tears.

That’s one of the beautiful things about living in a small town. People do this sort of thing all the time. Even still, the most incredible part of the experience was that I didn’t know who had left it. I asked the technician when he got there and could tell by the look on his face. Still, it was amazing to me that I have enough incredible people in my life, that I didn’t know who had left me this fantastic gift.

While the tech was working on the heater, my friend The Ambassador came by. Hilarity ensued, since he didn’t know the technician was a holy roller guy from my church. The Ambassador just rambled on talking about everything under the sun and using MORE than his share of words like “bitch, bitching, pussy”. I think he may have even dropped an F bomb or two. I was holding my breath until we stepped outside and away from the technician and I could tell him what he’d done. My ribs were just splitting, I was laughing so hard!

The tech got the heater running, and I got in The Ambassador’s truck to go rent a movie. My anxiety was running SO high after all the unexpected events. I guess my stupid anxiety doesn’t care if it’s good news or bad. It’s SO uncomfortable. I felt all panicky with my heart racing, my breaths shallow and my stomach turning. I HATE that feeling.

When I went to got in the truck, The Ambassador came around and opened the door for me. He even reached in to pull the seat belt for me. I thought that was a bit odd… Then, when I was bitching about my anxiety he said “You should sit over here next to me.”

“I should?” I asked.

“Yes, sit next to me” he said and then slid his hand in mine once I was seated in the middle.

Usually when we ride in the truck, I slide over to the middle to be close to him but since we are now just friends… I had climbed in and stayed on my own side. I decided I had no idea what the hell was going on but I’d roll with it.

We headed back and watched the movie. During the movie, there was cuddling. I rolled with it. Then, after the movie… Things happened. Sexy, naked things and I rolled with it — staying with my resolution to not over analyze.

It’s been like 5 or 6 months since I’ve had this kind of encounter– over a year and a half since I’ve been in a relationship and had any regular naked affections.
I was happy, but a little wigged out. My anxiety was really kicking my ass, so I bugged outta there.

I dropped back by before I had to leave for work, and once again sexy time ensued. I went off to work feeling kind of warm and fuzzy. I was feeling rather content at having been close with a friend. I did not have the drive for any further label, and honestly I didn’t know if it would ever happen again.

That night The Ambassador asked to see me again, and I went by his place. We laughed together as usual and then he said “we need to talk.” I teased him about that phrase “Haven’t you learned by now not to use all those words together like that?” Then I dove right in…

“What do we need to talk about? Let’s do it. Let’s talk. Let’s get it done.”

Ok, bloggers, you are not going to believe what happened next. I was quite shocked and wide-eyed myself. The Ambassador launched in to this entire monologue about how he had re-opened his Plenty of Fish account… He’d went on some dates. He’d even started talking to The Sneaky Bitch again. And then it began…

He was on this date and couldn’t stop thinking about me. Later, he was texting with The Sneaky Bitch… trying to explain what he was looking for. She’s an IDIOT, so she didn’t get it and then suddenly he realized… He had an epiphany… It was me. All that he’d been looking for, he had it in me right in front of him. He had found “the girl” and it was me.

I nodded listening intently. I had known this all along. Every time he talked about what he was looking for, I knew it was me. Of course, I was delighted that he had finally realized it. Damn that took a loooong time! lol

He continued…. A slew of wonderful thoughts and feelings about me spilling out of him. They were things I’ve been wanting for months to hear him say.

He went on to say “Where are we? What are we? Can we do the exclusive thing now? Can we be in a relationship? –Cancel our dating profiles. Can I call you ‘my girl’ and say ‘she’s mine’?”

It may have taken me a minute to respond. My brain was trying to catch up, and I was thinking “that did NOT just happen”… but then I said “Ya.. I’m in!” I did a dorky little happy dancing cheering “I wiiiiin! haha!” Smiling one of those smiles the rolls up from my toes, through my soul and leaps on to my face.

Now, I know there are many of you out there… including some of my serioulsy fav-o-rite people (you know who you are) that are thinking I am such a fool. I can just see you shaking your heads.. Maybe thinking, WHAT am I doing getting mixed up with this guy after alllll that? I respect that you guys want to be honest about what you think, and you manage to do that with out being brutal. I really really appreciate that.

I realize I’ve been driving you guys F-ing crazy. I understand that you feel that way, but I still need to do what I think is right for me…. So I want to lovingly say (brace yourself, here comes the sassy bitch)– I heart you guys, but be supportive, or step off, bitches. I’ve made up my mind.

So, there it is… Down a new road with The Ambassador.

Published in: on February 2, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (19)  
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Bball in the Dark

We played night time basketball. As The Ambassador really wants to have more dates and more adventures together, I set up a basketball adventure.

It went really well… aside from it being as cold as a witches tit outside. First we went by the YMCA and even though it was 45 minutes til closing, there were a ton of sweaty dudes on the courts. We didn’t want to play with other people so we left. He was all jazzed. Amped up just to be out of the house together, I think.

We drove over to some basketball courts in the dark, and parked my car with the lights on to shine on the pavement. The fence was unlocked but it still felt like we were being naughty.

Shooting hoops in the dark when you can barely see the rim proved to be it’s own type of adventure. Nearly everytime he passed the ball to me, I squealed. I could hear the ball coming but it was so dark I couldn’t see it. I did manage to put a few up though, and was surprised my lay-up hadn’t gotten rusty. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve played any basketball.

I showed him up tossing up a bunch of 2 pointers. Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! He’s no super athlete either, so I wasn’t humiliated. lol. He chased me around, grabbed me around the waist… even made a rapid humping motion from behind em at one point. I was laughing like crazy. He always makes me laugh.

We talked, we tossed, we laughed. We went by the grocery store to get some food since I hadn’t eaten all day. He was big on the holding hands. It felt a little odd to me, honestly. The Collector’s theory is that PDA is an ownership kind of a thing. I don’t know…. it wierds me out since it still kind of feels like he’s got one foot in and we have had no sexy time.

At one point he told me he’d read his horoscope for 2012 and it said this might be the year he marries, etc. He also said he was really stoked because he really wants the marriage.

This sent my mind in to turning over what I’d said to him about not being married again being ok with me. It also had me wondering. You see, The Ambassador has never been married and has no kids. I don’t want to get in to a space where I am just what I offer. I’m a responsible woman who makes a home. I realize he wants a marriage, home and family very much… Let’s just say, I hope I NEVER have to consider a marriage proposal from anyone that makes me wonder WHY he’s asking.

If I ever get married again, it’ll be to someone that just wants to be with me. Someone who is honestly one of the best people I’ve ever met, and who can SAY the same about me. He wants to marry me because it’s ME.

I stayed at his place and it proved to be a NONsexy cuddle only sleepover again. This time, though, he was touching me. He had one hand caressing my ass most of the time. He was touching me lightly and looking at me. Kissing me, although still not a really passionate kiss.

At one point I said something about it and he admitted “You think I don’t know I’m turning you on?” He knew. He said he was just appreciating being close with me.

*Sigh* Is it possible that I could slow my roll and be able to just appreciate that? Idk. I’m a scorpio… that may not be possible.

Published in: on January 17, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (5)  
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I’m in a Sexy State of Mind

Just havin' a freakin' fantastic time!

Started out this morning with sex on the brain… not that this situation is much different than my usual but I woke to a messsage from The Ambassador.

I had asked him if he wanted to hang out monday or tuesday night after I get off work, as it’s my only time off mommy duty this week, and he replied “what do you suggest?”

Ha!! What do I suggest? All kinds of hot sweaty kinky sexy things involving nakedness and lips and more nudity. Hehehe.. I didn’t send him that reply as I don’t want his eyeballs to pop out of his head and jump around while he’s trying to read his email.

I replied. “Ummm. Idk. I hadn’t really planned an activity. Strip poker? Spin the bottle? Naked Twister? Truth or dare? 7 min in heaven? Dirty Minds? Monopoly? Oh yeah, I don’t have monopoly ;)”

I spent the morning primping and such… walking around in heels with Pandora playing. I picked out some playful Victoria Secret panties and matching bra. I love VS– It’s a fabulous little treat for me to be able to pick out some fun or sexy or maybe naughty pieces to put on under all my clothes.

I pulled on some fab little boyshorts. I’ve recently slid back in to these as I am seeing my curves becoming slightly more voluptuous. The boyshorts create a gorgeous curve over my bottom and camouflage my tummy a little bit. (Another reason I love VS… you can find panties in about any cut you want which = the right cut for your gorgeous curves.)

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Suited up in panties and heels, I put on the magic courtesy of Mac's beautiful make up and click clacked around my house getting ready for work. Put myself together –booty looking great, showin' a little cleavage, jewelry. I'm dialed in!

What a fantastic way to start my day! I've got Folders beat for sure!

I have to say, though, I owe this sensual playful morning to Barbara Keesling, PH.D. You see, I was puttering through one of our chic little thrift shops the other day and I spotted a book inside a glass case where they apparently keep treasures of all sorts. It's Barbara's book "The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex."

Now, I almost didn't buy it since I certainly don't consider my self a "Good Girl". Don't get me wrong, I'm sweet. I'm all heart, but I've had that whole "lady in the street, whore in the bedroom" thing figured out for some time now. Still, it's been a little while for me and even my last few sexy playdates were blahhhhh. So, I thought about picking it up as a boost to rev up my Bad Girl side. I think she may have fallen asleep on me when I wasn't looking.

Then, I thought "nah- I don't need it." I was having this whole vicious internal struggle over $5 book until I thought about the blog. "What was I thinking? Of course I should buy it. It'll be research for the blog!" So, I grabbed it– One mischievous smile from the wrinkled 98-year-old woman operating the cash register, and I was out of there.

I opened up the book right away, since I can barely resist.. It's got SEX written all over the book jacket! I couldn't wait.

Turns out, the book is filled with a fabulous Bad Girl training program. I mean “Bad Girl” as in sex on the brain all the time (I was vetted in the club looong ago) not the crazy bitch kinda bad girl.

I’m having a blast dusting off my inner Bad Girl… Trained by an earlier generation of Bad Girls– For instance, My Mother -The Gypsy Woman and her “Love The One You’re With” theme song, her sisters The Busty Boufante, and The Sleek Seductress who’s had her man wrapped around her little finger for nearly 30 years now.

It’s not that these women were or are in any way tawdry or skanky. They are simply women who are fully comfortable with their sexuality and open and honest with their daughters. I could ask any of them anything without being embarrassed or judged. They let me take the lead with learning about my girlhood and emerging sexuality… When I was young they answered questions simply, and as I matured so did their answers.

They taught me to be PROUD to be a woman and feel that it’s a beautiful gift. They taught me to be comfortable in my own skin, and realize sexuality is a healthy natural thing. It doesn’t matter what your make up, how thin you are, how much make up you wear… Your sexuality and magnetism come from inside you. It’s priceless, and unique to every woman.

I was incredibly blessed to have these women raise me up, but not every girl is so lucky..

Barbara’s sassy book covers everything from why you might be feeling so modest, how society can stifle you, and sensual ways to walk, to talking dirty, as well as giving a hell of a hand job and how to blow your man’s mind with a bj. So, if you could use some instruction or even if this book just peaks your interest because sex is your absolute favorite subject– it’s a good read.

The Good Girl’s Guide To Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, PH.D

I am working my way through this book as we speak, and its perfect timing as I’ve set my sights on The Ambassador and decided to cut out any other “situation” or players in my game, until I see how this all rolls out. Not to mention, I am tired of waiting or being in only half way. (I mean emotionally, not in a dirty way– I haven’t even gotten that far yet! lol)

I will be seeing him in the next couple of days… He’s had time to absorb the talk we had. I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen!

Published in: on December 31, 2011 at 9:00 am  Comments (5)  
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OK, This is Getting Kind of Embarrassing

Ok, so this is getting kind of embarrassing. I keep writing blogs about seeing The Ambassador and ooooh what’s gonna happen… and once again– nothing. We stayed up ’til 1:30 in the morning reading tarot cards and talking. We played a little footsie, but that’s it my friends. That’s all.

I do not feel frustrated about it as I have in the past. I think I’m just confused. I am incredibly attracted to him. He’s got a great heart, had a tough childhood just like I did and never forgets where he came from. I can talk to him non stop for hours on end, laughing my ass off or being serious. We have an amazing connection… and I’d also like to mention that he started out with the moniker Mr. Hard Body. I had dropped by his place one time VERY early on and taaa-dahh, he answers the door in a towel. Christ, I could barely speak. The man looked like a Calvin Klein model, minus the tan!

SO, I feel all that, and I notice.. He’s laughing too. He’s letting his gazes linger. He’s trying to get me to make eye contact. He’s touching me more than you would someone who was “just a buddy”. I see that. I feel all that. It all feels mutual, but then he stops. It’s like he gets right to the edge of making a move and then stops.

I can’t figure out what’s stopping him so I finally found a way to work it into conversation.

I’d been at his house til 1am the night before. I woke up all full of energy and rarin’ to go. (Probably pent-up sexual energy) It was my birthday and I decided I wanted a breakfast at the diner and I did NOT want to go by myself.

I called The Ambassador repeatedly and finally dragged his sleepy pants out of bed to go with me. We had a great breakfast in a cosy little booth for two, and I noticed he was staring at me. He does this thing where he gets a perma-grin and his eyes grow wide like a child in awe.

We were chatting away when I noticed this and said “What’s going on with you? You are looking at me funny.”

“You just look so cute today. You’ve got your make up all done and eye stuff matching with the shirt. I just… wow.”

I, of course, grinned like the Cheshire cat. The conversation then moved to his talking about his buddy trying to fix him up with some girl and how he doesn’t like her and doesn’t want to hook up— He isn’t in the mood and his buddy just doesn’t understand. (I’ve met his buddy, and those comments seriously made me want to kick him in the balls! I better not see him around town!)

At this point, I was working VERY hard to consciously have a negative reaction to his talking about other girls… and also to his buddy trying to set him up. I probably looking like an actress in some ridiculous b&w mellodrama, but I did NOT care. I am NOT going to go through that again where he goes off with some other girl. fuck that.

One thing you must know about The Ambassador… He’s oblivious– to some things. Only to some things. He’s a Gemini, so he’s got this very decisive, confident, determined persona at work but in personal things… relationship and dating things.. He’s frighteningly, shockingly unaware. He completely misses subtle cues, and flirting, not to mention facial expressions and body language.

Because of this previous characteristic, he doesn’t notice one damn thing with all my efforts towards miserable, pained facial expressions. Finally I just said “Ok so I just listened to you talk about your buddy tryin’ to hook you up with some girl and how you don’t want that and stuff. So, what are your thoughts on what’s going on here (hand motion between he and I)??”

“What do you mean?”

“What do I mean??? I mean I stay at your place til 1:30 in the morning playin’ footsie and then I just go home…” I say.

He replies “Those other girls. You’re not even in the same category as those other girls. I’ve never dated a woman like you. You have your life together and everything going for you. It’s kind of intimidating. I don’t know. I go back and forth on you. What do I want? Do I want sex? Do I want a relationship? I don’t know. That’s why I keep you in the friend zone.

And you’re a Mom. I didn’t have a Mom, so when I get around that, it’s like (makes his eyes big and acts nervous)… I mean, you rule the roost.”

He also said that he wants to get to know me really really well. I immediately told him that excuse doesn’t hold water after five months. He started to protest and argue that he’d spend months dating that Sneaky Bitch. I stopped him though. I told him that even with that we have seen each other more in the last 5 months than I have seen my Bestie in the last year. “And you know how close I am with him” I said.

“HOW close?” he asked with a jokey jealous tone.

“See!! And then you do things like that!” I snapped. Then I told him “Sometimes it’s hard to be around you because I have no idea where the boundaries are.”

“I almost asked you to stay last night” he confessed.

“What?!! Why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t know if you would?” he answered.

“I would have! Why do you think it took me so long to get to your house? I had to go home and shower and get all shaved up and stuff! OH, you have no idea!” I laughed. “Well, I know exactly what I want from this. There’s no question in my mind… but mostly I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.”

“Well, yeah.. I..” he stumbled. He hadn’t mean to give me the impression that he DIDN’T want to be with me. I knew that… and I wasn’t trying to put him on the spot or make him feel he had to explain. I was simply trying to understand where he was with the whole thing and let him know how I felt without scaring him. Mission accomplished 🙂 I’m happy… for now.

Then he said the funniest thing. He goes “I think we had this conversation before…”

“Yes we did” I replied “and you said ‘oh, we’re going to have THAT conversation’ and I was like (insert huge gasp). You really freaked me out with that. I was like OMG!”

“That was the day we went garage sailing, wasn’t it? We still had a great time that day.”

“Yes we did” I said.

I dropped him off and had to get to work. It was a splendid and marvelous morning… it’s a good thing too because that was my only event for the day. We had plans to go meet up with Capt Amazing & his woman Ms. Perfect to go roller skating & such… but I ended up with a horrid belly ache and couldn’t go anywhere 😦

Still, the talk made my whole day… Happy 35 Cadence! Your gift is possibility.

Published in: on December 30, 2011 at 9:00 am  Comments (6)  
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Still Collecting

I sent a text to The Collector today. Just a customary “Happy Holidays” kind of thing and he replied back with a very suave message that called me a “smokin’ hot piece of…” Ya, he cut it off right there. lol.

Ya baby, that’s a giant compliment in my book but it still only came from The Collector. An intruiging and extraordinary man but he’s got his issues. He’s still collecting.

At some point I should probably delete his profile, but seeing his name pop up in connection with yet another single attractive woman is not affecting me the same as it once was. At this point it’s only a reminder of who I’m dealing with.

He’s still collecting and once again playing with The Stupid Wine Girl. What the hell was he thinking sending me a text like that? He wants to lump me in with the others? Or more likely the other situations aren’t going well— And unfortunately The Wine Girl is crazy, and as much as he might hope, there’s no way he can screw that out of her.

I need to say something to him to let him know I’m not going to play anymore. Ahh, what to say? What to say?

Published in: on December 26, 2011 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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I Guess We’re Going To Have That Talk

After all the frustration from the other night, I finally spilled my guts to Captain Amazing. I told him it has taken me so long to figure out what I am looking for and then to actually find it. See, it’s not about who he is so much.. or logical things one can explain. I’ve now narrowed it down to two things 1. Crazy Sexy Chemistry and 2. No giant deal breakers. Seems simple right.

Now, I have The Ambassador of Ambiguity standing right in front of me waffling, or whatever he’s doing. NO bueno dude.

Captain Amazing’s stellar advice was to have a talk, but to just tell him how I feel in a way that won’t scare him off. Don’t put him on the spot, just let him know how you feel.

I had been debating whether or not to become more physically aggressive. That’s a pickle for me, because I don’t want to be the dude in the relationship– and I don’t want him to participate just because there’s naughty right in front of his face.

I asked Captain Amazing if he thought that was really the way to go… with words instead of action. He replied “Do you write a fantastic blog? Are you all about words? YES, you need to say the words.”

Damn it, I know he’s right.

In short, I want him to want me. That however, I can’t control. I suppose all I can do is let my own feelings be known.

Next I mulled it over, marinated in it and tried to decide what exactly to say. I talked to The Stalkerish Ex-boyfriend, who is truly a very close friend of mine. (We’re fine as long as we don’t cross in to that sex or relationship area.) He’s an Alpha, so of course he suggests I confront him and basicly give him an ultimatum. NOT a good idea. He did, however, offer some nice phrases I may be able to use. “We’ve been doing this dance for some time.”

I feel like I’ve been waiting for the right time, but even that is drivin’ me nuts. What it comes down to is “I don’t want to just be your gal pal. I want to be with you.” That’s about all I’ve got at this point –two lines that I have found usable. I need more, otherwise I’ll fumble and say something stupid. Ugh! (Stomping, shadow boxing and swearing ensues)

Then I was thinking… He has said to me before “I missed you. I’m so glad you’re back in my life.” –If that comes up again I could head in with “You missed me, huh? (Step into his space, look him straight in the eyes) How much?” and/ or “I missed you too… I didn’t think you would come back in to my life, and here you are. I don’t want to waste anymore time.. I don’t want to just be your gal pal. I want to be with you.”

There are other lines floating around in my head… like, if he brought up relocating for work, I’d say “Thats good. Plan for tomorrow, but LIVE for today.”

The next part is the really scary part. Does he respond? What does he say? Is there an awkward silence? Does he get scared and skittish? If he does, then I suppose he’s not the type I want around. 😦

In my visualization, it’s at that point that I want to run out of there and not even find out if or what he has to say… That’s the bad visualization. The good one includes steamy kisses and the very rapid removal of clothing… Not to mention a bunch of other very dirty dirty things that I won’t mention here. (sorry boys and girls!)

So, now I’ve decided and everything— I thought I’d see him today since he’s off work but I called him and he’s not home. Hmmm… now I am just at home stewing. boooooo!

Published in: on December 25, 2011 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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Looking for Someone, Not Necessarily “The One”?

Sometimes I meet people who seem to be just looking for someone- anyone really, not actually “the one”. Some will even go so far as to say out loud “There’s no one out there. Just get what you can get!”

I am not that person… well, not anymore. I’m sure I have been at times over the last 4 1/2 yrs since my divorce. It was just a matter of how much I was willing to put up with. I was lucky for the most part. I did manage to spend a couple of years with people I truly valued. Men who stirred my soul, at least for a time. That was just happenstance. I was out looking… prowling even. I don’t know what made me that way, except that maybe I’m used to being a part of a couple.

Ever since the 9th grade, I’ve been the girl in a relationship. The girl holding hands walking through the halls. The girl who was a part of Cadence & Nick, or Darren & Cadence. I was that girl who had her picture with her guy printed in the year book and part of the video at graduation. I was the one who had a guy writing poetry dedicated to her and printed in the school’s writer’s publication.

It never occurred to me that I was “that girl” until today. I was talking to The Psych student on the phone as he described how he never thought much about girls when he was young. He generally had a girl around him, and when she left, there was always another. No big deal. He was a boy, doing boy things. The girls just seemed to be around and he never gave much thought to it.

I was struck because that is pretty much opposite of how I was. He never had thoughts of giving a girl a promise ring or any shit like that. I had the promise ring by junior year in high school.

Now, I had some time just when I’d entered the military when I was footloose and fancy free, and picking out a new playmate for the week. That didn’t last long, though, about three months. Then I moved to a different base and I was right back in Couple’s Town.

The Psych student talked about where he is these days. He’s open to something meaningful, but mostly just trying to be happy… meet people and spend time with people who don’t hate him. (I can tell you that’s quite a gift after a brutal divorce.)

I realize that is the same place I claim to be these days. Just doing my thing and talking to people. Spending time, and trying not to over think anything or manipulate any situations. It’ll happen when it happens… but I tell ya, a few sultry kisses and I’m right back to fantasizing about coupledom. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I do that? At this point, the repeated disappointments of my incessant hoping are just about more than I can stomach… and yet… There I go envisioning hand-holding walks in the park. I still want it.

Searching for your soul mate, or even a soul mate (depending on your opinion in that particular debate) can be incredibly frustrating because if you think about it, dating is bound to fail. It’s set up to fail over and over again, until you find that one you’re going to share time with. Until then, every situation is bound to crash and burn. That’s just how the game is played.

I’ll tell you another thing The Psych student said that has been on my mind today. He was telling me that his invitation for me to stay at his place was not his attempt to try to screw me. I laughed and said “I know. I know what that looks like!”

He went on to say that he could certainly get laid if that’s all he wanted to do. He could walk down to any bar near his town and get one of those little college girls to go home with him. That’s available to him, should he choose to do so…(Thank God I’m not the only one with uber logical thoughts about sex like that) but he prefers to get to know a woman first… have a little human interaction before he starts doing sex stuff with them.

He’s very liaise faire. He looks at the sex stuff like “Hey, no expectations. Let’s just have some beers and see if things get crazy.” He then said something that surprised me a little. He said that attitude seems to make things happen a lot faster than chomping on the bit like a 15-year-old boy. I can understand that since women generally have an ingrained need to win a man over. That’s why if you pay no attention to her, she’ll generally come your way.

I’ll bet this is true for relationships too. If you look at it with the “Hey, no expectations” attitude, things probably move a lot faster than they would if you were “looking”. The problem is, some of us… like me and certainly Captain Amazing as well, just can’t bring ourselves to that place where we just don’t care. Sure, we may get there at times after being so frustrated with the whole damn dating process that we’ve got steam coming out our ears but it doesn’t last long.

We can operate like it doesn’t really matter, and even control our inner dialogue, repeatedly telling ourselves not to care about it… but I don’t think we ever truly arrive at that place where we truly don’t care.

Here’s the beauty of easy come easy go… When you actually don’t have some hope or attachment to whether or not a situation works out, it is much easier to be yourself. You’re not constantly thinking about what he or she hopes you’ll say or what will move this situation along. You’re just being you, and that’s beautiful.

So, I’m going to keep on being happy and content with where I am and what I’m doing… I’m not giving up, but I can’t lie. I’m keepin’ my eyes peeled for “the one”. That’s just part of how I see the world. Now, I have to make sure I stay close enough to the realm of not caring to be just be myself.

Published in: on November 10, 2011 at 9:00 am  Comments (5)  
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