The Reason

I posted earlier about each one of my close friends being removed one by one.  I also replied to Pink Ninjabi that I am sure it’s happening for a reason.  I think I’ve discovered what that is.

I know I have mentioned that I have been in therapy.  I have seen therapists off and on through out my adult life.  Some helped, some were idiots.  I started again recently because I was having such an incredible amount of anxiety, and panic that it was making it very difficult to operate my life.  I finally just got fed up with it and decided I would do whatever it takes to take back control of my life and resolve the issue.  And I mean RESOLVE IT… not manage it, not learn to live with it…  RESOLVE IT.

So far it’s been one hell of a rocky road. I’ve had to learn to listen to my intuition all over again.  It seems I have been ignoring it and making decisions based on some other haphazard ridiculous reasons…  mostly in my romantic life.  For some reason, the other aspects are fine.

I also had to learn to pin point what emotions I was feeling at the moment.  It seemed every freakin’ thing was covered by the panic.  I stopped any anti-anxiety meds and suffered through, becoming more and more reclusive.  I discovered a hormone imbalance that was causing the great majority of my panic and corrected that…. and here I am today.

I am sure God has removed these people from my life to give me a chance to concentrate solely and completely on me and completing this therapy.  Despite the hormone imbalance being corrected, there are still some anxiety issues that I am sure are psychological.  I have had a hell of a life, starting with a reckless out of control mother, her abuse, and that of others she brought in to our lives.

Now, I am in therapy and really getting to the tough part… absolutely brutal.  I’m at the point where it’s time to start dragging out all the childhood bullshit.  Last time I was in therapy, a few years ago, I got to this point and then quit.  I dreaded every session and couldn’t really see how it would be helpful to rehash all those old stories.  It just felt like hurt, hurt, hurt.

That’s how this therapy stuff was feeling now too.  After my last session, I had a very severe therapy hangover.  Crying jags all day, and having to force myself to leave the house.  I was doing some volunteer work with the church and finding myself even bursting in to tears there in public.

Just lots of hurt, and having to drag my ass down the therapists office every time.  Once I realized this, I decided I’ve been running from that hurt for a long time and it’s time to face it head on.  I need to pull out those childhood experiences and take a look at them…  reframe them with an adult mindset, instead of the distorted interpretation of a child.

So, I started working on it.   I threw myself in to it.  Every day things cross my path and threaten to distract me from it.  Until recently, dating has been the absolute best distraction.  I can write one hell of an online profile… Just post it up there and suddenly I’ve got as many emails as I can possibly manage.  There will be an initial flood of emails to sort through.  Then maybe find a couple of guys I’m interested in… Get numbers, do a little text messaging, maybe have a couple of dates…  Spend plenty of time trying to figure out if I like them, if something could work, if I want to go on another date, how fast it’s going…  blah blah blah.  Plenty of distraction.

Well, not only has God removed a bunch of friends from my life, but also the desire to put some kind of advertisement of myself up on an electronic billboard in an attempt to get a date.  Right now, I’ve got absolutely no desire to dive in to the dating world again…. Instead I am driven and determined to work through whatever psychological toxic waste has been dragging me down and influencing my relationships and my life.

It’s not the most exciting thing to read about…  My blog stats have pretty much dropped to half…  It’s not as much fun for me either, and it sure ain’t sexy…  but it’s my journey and where I’m at in this moment.  I’m plugging along, and I think I’m even seeing some progress…  more to come.

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Published in: on September 6, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (6)  
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The ME Projects

So, I’ve mentioned the ME projects in my last couple blog posts.  I’ve posted about some of them so far.  I’ve started a flurry of projects as I have a flood of energy that I’m no longer putting in to that situation with The Ambassador, and I’ve decided to put dating on hold for a while.

First, I amped up my workout from a 3 mile walk to a mostly run, with a sack full of crunches added in at the end.  It feels good, and I can see my run pace improving every day.  I’m struggling keeping on track with it because work kicked me back to graveyard shift this week.  Working a 12 hour shift from 7pm to 7am is really a struggle to me.  Some of my shift partners seem to adjust to this schedule easily but for me, even with blacking out the windows in my room, wearing a sleep mask and having my children at thier father’s on my work days–  I struggle to get enough sleep.  I’ll sleep for maybe a solid 6 hours if I’m lucky.  Then I’m up puttering around for a while, then nap for another two hours and back getting ready for work.   The only way  I manage to get a work out in seems to be to do it the minute I get off work.  After 12 hours and being up all night long, it’s a bitch to even pull my running shoes on… but I’ll get back on track.

I’m not looking to get all ripped or anything, just firm up a bit and the walking just wasn’t doing it.  I’ve been working on an extra 10 pounds for the last 2 years, and nothing I do seems to make any difference… Walk, don’t walk, eat nothin’ but salads, protien, and fruit.  Damn stubborn 10 pounds just won’t let go, so I figured I’d try and run it off.

Next, resolve my anxiety completely.  I’m tired of it, and intend to pull it out by the roots.  I started back in therapy to work through whatever psychological aspects are causing it.  So far, I don’t feel I’ve made much progress.  All my therapist seems to want to do is talk about my dating life.  I know it’s fascinating, but damn… I didn’t come here for that.  I feel like he keeps getting distracted by it and I have to bring him back around to keep him on task.

Recently, after a couple of really bad days, and this particular project has risen to the top of the list.  I’m damn tired of the hassle of this anxiety / panic and having it interfere with my life — and I have resolved to pull it out by the roots.  For too long I’ve been doing nothing but treating symptoms…  No longer!  So… therapy…  having my hormones tested, and if that doesn’t yield any answers, I’ll have my thyroid etc tested as well.  Whatever it takes.

Third, I’m writing a novel and I fully intend to finish it this time.  I’ve started several projects… screenplays, a non-fiction book with Captain Amazing, etc.  I have a hard time applying the ass to the seat sometimes.  So far, I’ve made it well in to Chapter 2.

Fourth, achieve balance.  This one’s tough.  Almost all aspects are running smooth but the social aspect seems to requir a very large amount of effort to schedule times with girlfriends (They all have thier own lives and kids).  Also, it doesn’t help that people keep Fing movin’ away.  This one I’d say is tightly linked to resolving the anxiety, as it affects my social life much more than any other side of my life.

Fifth, cultivate appreciation.  I have a box chalk full of giant sized index cards.  I fill a card, front and back, with things I am thankful for and/or proud of.  I was doing it every day there for a while, but now maybe a couple times a work.  It works though.  I am developing such a love of the simple things in life, it’s amazing.  I am enjoying the town I live in, and the people I live with SO much more.  I’m sure it’s related to those cards.

Oh, and last of all–  keep a cleaner house.

I have also begun tracking all this with a sort of chore chart.  I am hoping the small reward of checking off the boxes will help spur me along plus I read something that said something about tracking increasing probably for success.  Wish me luck!

Published in: on August 7, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (6)  
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