Isolation

b&w couchI’ve been such a hermit since I had that episode and missed five weeks of work and all. Well, now I’ve got some meds managing the anxiety pretty well and I feel like I am ready to re-enter the social world…. but what to do?

I am on this stupid graveyard shift and it is SO isolating. While I’m awake and working, the rest of the world is asleep– then I sleep away all the daylight hours. When I do wake up to get ready for work, I usually message with the Duke a bit… and today was a bit rough.

We are both in lonely places and wishing we were closer, but a myriad of circumstances prevents that. Still, sometimes he paints a picture of something like laying on a blanket in his arms under a tree… and I can’t help but picture it. Unfortunately, I think this just makes things harder. It was a lonely day today.

Thank God for my dog… I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have that fuzzy little love bug following me around to snuggle with me every second I’m home.

I miss the company of a man. I miss having strong arms around me and the strength in his personality. I miss touches, hugs, caresses and kisses. I miss companionship, talking for hours on end, and sex… boy do I miss sex.

I figured out today that I have gone for more than a year in my state of voluntary celibacy. I could break the pact. If I’m so in need of the company of a man and all that, there are places I could go and people I could see…. but I’m not just looking for someone. I’m looking for THE one.

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Published in: on March 21, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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Communications Resume with The Ambassador

couchWell, he’s reappeared again… The Ambassador of Ambiguity. It’s been 10 months since he moved away and are things any different? I don’t know, but I’m different. I don’t feel scared to say what I really feel anymore and I’m committed to doing that on a regular basis. I have told him I love him and miss him and I don’t think we ever should have broken up in the first place.

He still hates it down in the city and misses our little town. His best buddy is still here… and me, of course.

He’s been flirtatious and sweet… and started making plans to drive the two hours up here and take me to dinner.

The first time he tried that, it seemed like every force in the universe was trying to prevent it. Both my kids stayed home sick, my babysitter bailed, and then it started snowing.

Where I live, when it snows, there is crash after crash, there are chains required, and freeways closed. So… the deal was off.

When he did make it in to town the next week and stopped by we had a terrific visit. I was lying around on the couch with a raging headache but I was glad to see him none the less. We sat together on the couch for a while… I laid my aching head in his lap. There were tons of lingering hugs, and he fixed the stereo he gave me so long ago.

We made loose plans for the next visit, and he started talking about a wedding he is going to and the subsequent vacation days he’ll be taking.

It was a fantastic visit. I went to work smiling like the Cheshire cat. I felt like “Ahh.. he’s my guy!”

Maybe I was just high on hugs. I don’t know, but we’ve been talking nearly every day since.

He sent me his vacation days and talked about going to the coast but didn’t out right invite me. We just sort of flirted back and forth about it. So, we shall see what comes of it, if anything.

I was pretty jazzed at first, but he seems quieter since that last conversation. I’m not holding my breath. I’m doing what I can to get well, and get my own life in order and take care of my great kids.

God is going to send the one who is meant for me… Maybe it’s The Ambassador, maybe it’s not. Just moving forward and doing my best to stay positive.

Published in: on March 19, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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The Duke Has Been Deployed

deployed
It’s been about 2 and a half months now since The Duke climbed on to a military plane and flew halfway around the world for a year long deployment.

If you remember my earlier story about Duke, then you know that we met when we first joined the Marines and he was dating a friend of mine. Then he served a year in Japan where they had broken up and when he returned I went to see him. We had a pretty romantic night together, but minus the hanky panky.. Still one of the absolutely most memorable nights of my life.

Duke and I lost touch for a long time… about 15 years in fact. Then he found me on facebook and we started talking again and haven’t stopped since.

We were good friends back then and now fit back in to each other lives so naturally. We know each ohers core. We respect and care about each other and have managed to share all sorts of secrets honestly and without judgement.

We have been getting closer over this last year to year and a half… however long it has been, texting often and talking on the phone. We poured out our hearts and our tears and all our frustrations with daily life, as well as trying to balance our careers, and relationships.

In so many ways, he’s just what a man should be. Strong and passionate, romantic and protective and he’s crazy about me.

So, all this would be very exciting except that The Duke is married. I’ve been hearing since day one how things are miserable and terrible and awful at home but he hasn’t left her, has he?

We have been messaging pretty much every day and feeling as close as ever… In fact, today the conversation really turned romantic and I had to put the brakes on.

He wants to make a pact that when he returns from deployment, if I am not with anyone and he and the wife break up, we’ll be together. I am hesitant to make any kind of pact. I don’t want to be a factor in anyone’s marriage breaking up. A divorce is such a nightmare. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and I have talked to the Duke about this. I don’t think he realizes how much he’s giving up. Not just financially but also in not having his every days with his son anymore.

Still, I have love for this man and have for a long time. We were always close friends, anytime we’ve been in each other’s lives but we are talking about a family here.

I do believe that sometimes a marriage becomes so bad, and one partner refuses to try to make the marriage any better– the only option left is to go your own way.

Still, once again, I don’t want to be a factor in that situation at all. If it all happened that way, of course I would give it a go with The Duke… but even that has it’s risks. I mean, even though we have been close emotionally, there are so many things he doesn’t know about me… Like I’m messy and really a homebody– while he is not. He has such a BIG life with his career and his non-profit organization and publicity events. My life is simple and small.

I don’t know that our lifestyles are compatible, not to mention I am not leaving this really small town, so he’d have to come here and there is no work. Of course he’ll be retired then with a decent pention, but his ex-wife would be drawing half of that, not to mention half of the rest of his assets.

Just things bouncing around in my head. For now that plan is to just keep talking… being friends… and to keep praying.

Published in: on March 14, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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Oh So Rugged!

Rugged... like this guy I stole off pintrest!

Rugged… like this guy I stole off pintrest!

Although my current state of mental, physical, psychological chaos leaves me with zero desire to be dating or anything… I do miss men. Big burly rugged men.

From the sidelines where I sit, I am witnessing the awe inspiring strength God put in to men. I don’t think I ever realized before how rugged they really are. They guy from my church that came by to bring me some wood (married dude) grew up in South Lake Tahoe. He was swinging an ax around like it’s made of plastic… whipping up kindling and flinging large arm fulls of oak in to my wood shed.

Wood is a very manly thing… and a common thing up here in the mountains where I live. We have loggers, men who work at factories, tow cars out of giant snow storms, repair power lines in raging blizzards, hunt and kill animals for fun, climb on horses and hike in to the wilderness to search and rescue people, even volunteer for local fire departments… lol. Think about all the crazy rough neck type jobs men do… work oil riggs and fishing boats… all kinds of crazy dangerous stuff. They are just rugged. God made them that way. Very different from me… from women, and yet meant to be together.

Another guy from church stopped by my place this week to help me fix a broken window. (married) He’s a retired road cop. Spent 20 years rescuing stranded motorists, or victims of traffic collisions… pulling people out of the snow banks. Believe it, folks– they do more than just write tickets. Now he’s talking about going back to logging as a second career. wow.

Also,I must say, he was 50 something and in his church clothes, he seemed to blend in to the pavement, but when he arrived at my house in his ‘work clothes’… 5 o’clock shadow, carharts jacket and logger boots looking oh so rugged, rough and ready… I definately took a second look, I won’t lie. (no worries though, still celibate. 9 months now. Anyway, I re-iterate, he’s married) Just sayin’ — Rugged = Doable, for sure.

I’m just in awe. Not only am I realizing how NOT rugged I am, (and that’s ok) but I am watching and thinking about how much I miss having that kind of strong, simple, rugged hero type in my life.

Published in: on January 8, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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Damn You WOOOOOD! And I don’t mean the fun kind!

Firewood is seriously driving me crazy. This year I decided to go with firewood only, since the heating fuel is super expensive and I was scared the heater would break again like it did last year.

Well, I was originally thrilled with the last cord of wood I bought cuz two guys name Jake delivered it and even stacked it in my wood shed. Woo-hooo! Until, later I realize I can not start a fire with it because they have split it in to giant supersized pie shaped logs.

Of course, I figure if I can stuff it in to the wood stove, it’ll work. Not so, my friends. Must have been hilarious watching me trying to start a fire with those gigantic pieces… Did manage to burn my hand pretty damn good in the process though. *eye roll*

So then I’ve got guys from church coming over to give me lessons on how to start a fire and bring smaller wood.

Well, today I attempted to put some of my lessons to work, and take a whack at splitting some of the enormous wood pieces. Sounds easy, right? Splitting wood. I even have a brand new ax, courtesy of The Ambassador when he was still around.

Well… Let me tell you… THIS is not so easy, and I have now decided… impossible. I just don’t have the upper body strength to do it. Also, I wanted to punch The Ambassador in the face for buying that stupid ax and making me think he’d be around to do things like chop wood… and then disappearing!

Apparently, I will have to continue getting my church peeps to bring me smaller wood to start the fires, then throwing the giant pieces in when it gets going good and hot.

I’ve also heard bbq lighter fluid works well… but I don’t want the kids to catch me doing that… Next things ya know, I go take the trash out and return to find my 8 year old holding a can of lighter fluid while standing next to my 10 year old with a lighter in her hand! Noooo bueno, dude.

Published in: on January 3, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (2)  
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Wading Through It

more love!!

more love!!

Every day has just been miserable lately. I’m drowning in mood swings, anxiety, fear, cold spells, complete loss of appetite, fatigue…. and on and on.. a whole slew of symptoms conspiring to just straight wreck my life.

This morning I get up and I can not get the fire going to save my life. For some reason the bath is barely luke warm, which is no fun when lately, I’m pretty much freezing all the time anyway. I’m so depressed… I sit in the tub and cry.

I somehow pull it together, take a chill pill and go to work. When I get there though, I am feeling quite emotional. I find my nurse friend there changing shifts and I am sure that was God’s design. I badly needed to hear what she had to say. She talked to me about an incredible internist she had recommended to me. Although that Doc sounded amazing, I just wasn’t sure I could swing it. She doesn’t bill our insurance and charges $160 an hour for an office visit. PLUS, she practices in a town that’s about a 40 minute drive in to the snowy mountains. Damn, I can barely handle the anxiety I have just driving 2 miles to work in the snow. *sigh*

Still, my nurse friend pressed about this internist and I decided I would certainly google her and call to try and get an appointment. “You need her because she’ll look at everything. If there is something wrong, she’ll find it… and I really think it’s more than just the progesterone.”

I was so shocked. I felt like no one else on the planet believed that but me. The Nurse has been with me through this whole thing. She knows the kind of symptoms I should experience coming off the progesterone, or if the progesterone was too high a dose. She knows what level my anxiety was at when I started to investigate this stuff five months ago, and she knows what I am going through now.

She even offered to go to the appointment with me. (even though she knows how wierd I am about riding in the car with other people.. she put it out there. I cried.) I SO BADLY needed the affirmation she gave me. It was like a long relaxing breath. I hugged her tight and she was on her way home.

As my other shift partners and I chatted about my internal chaos, another of them offered to drive me in her 4 wheel drive. She also knew about my wierd quirk not wanting to ride in the car with someone else. This made me laugh… of course with tears in my eyes. Much crying these days.

I worked a half a day and then came home and had a seriously crazy productive sick day. I reminded myself that I committed to resolving this imbalance, whatever it was and that means investing time and money. Whatever it takes. So I pulled some money out of my retirement account to cover any costs I might incur, and marched ahead.

I filled out intake forms for the Incredible Internist, who, from her website, looks to be the asian medical Sherlock Holmes with pig tails and a smile. My kinda gal… got the forms sent off attached to a short email that would pull at anyone’s heart strings. I even called for an appointment, but had to leave a message.

Also filled out forms for another Doc who will hopefully become my primary care physician here locally. I haven’t had a primary care physician since I was pregnant. If I was sick or something, I went to the walk in clinic. Turns out a primary care Doc is like insurance… You need one just in case. Who knew? lol

Then I filled out a giant stack of forms to hopefully get re-imbursed for all the therapy sessions with my counselor who won’t bill my insurance either… and sent em off.

*sigh* Feels good to have that stuff taken care of.

I have to say.. I miss writing about love, romance and relationships but in this place on my journey… I just can’t deal with that. I can’t imagine meeting someone, or even having a certain someone come back around. I can barely handle getting to work in the morning. Everything feels anxious and scary to me. I can’t even fathom taking my clothes off with someone. The way my adrenaline has been pumping, I might actually scream and run! (That says a LOT if you know what a naughty girl I am. lol)

I’ll get back there some day though… probably sooner than I think. Right???

Published in: on January 1, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (6)  
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Short Relationship Reads

As I have scrambled egg brains these days, due to the hormone hysteria my body is experiencing… I thought I’d share some of the interesting short reads I’ve come across online.

Here’s one about men and emotional intimacy…
http://powertochange.com/sex-love/menintimacy/

“With world population well over six billion, it seems strange to think anyone could be lonely” — a quote from this next article “Celebrating Love Without Limits”
http://powertochange.com/discover/sex-love/lovenolimit/

Living Single in a Marriage Minded society
http://powertochange.com/sex-love/live-single-marriage-minded/

How to Choose a Life Partner
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-be-grown/201202/how-choose-life-partner

Great Expectations: The Soul Mate Quest
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200403/great-expectations-the-soul-mate-quest

Happy surfing everyone!

Published in: on December 20, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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***Under Pressure***

Balance your hormones, balance your life!

Balance your hormones, balance your life!

So, I am dealing with the standard holiday times stresses, worries about heating costs and shopping and wrapping gifts… only this year I get to do it while on a completly horrifying hormone highway to hell.

I had been noticing a few little things here and there… like not being able to focus. Remember my previous post talking about starting tasks and then not finishing them completely? Then all of sudden it hit me like surprise junk punch— I had the most insane crazed panic attack I’ve ever experienced when I was supposed to be headed to my daughter’s dance recital.

I called my therapist and had an emergency intervention. This was an incredibly powerful panic attack, and the first one I can ever remember where I was actually full on in tears.. wracked with sobs. We did a couple little excercises to try to burn off some of the excess energy flowing through my viens.. then burned up the rest of the time with me rattling off my syptoms. It was SO SO incredibly uncomfortable… I was just crawlin’ out of my skin. SUPER SONIC ANXIETY — The Heebee Jeebs, for sure! It was awful…

As my therapist watched me pacing, and crying– he suggested it might be a hormone issue. This later sparked conversation with my incredible shift partners at work and one of them lent me “Hormone Balance Made Simple” by Dr. John Lee.

It took me a couple days but I finally realized what was happening. In July I started a progesterone cream my Doc recommended but it was an enormous 200 mg dose. The book said that if you take an over dose of progesterone cream, you will initially start seeing an improvement in the symptoms… but then at some point that stops and it excacerbates your imbalance. THAT is what was happening to me!

The lack of concentration just got way worse… The anixety was absolutely intolerable… super sonic! This kind of panic must be what people feel when they go crazy inside a hospital ER knocking things over and screaming and eventually being tackled and given a stiff shot of Haldol! It feels like a crazed emergency in side your chest!

Luckily I had a few Xanax but they just were cutting it so I went back to my Physician Assistant to talk about getting some help. What a nightmare that was… If I had come in unkempt, they probably would have thought me to be a homeless unmedicated schitzophrenic. I paced through the waiting room, avoiding eye contact, rocking back and forth… I did let them know I was having incredibly high anxiety, but even knowiing that — I musta looked nuts!

He gave me another prescription for a little stronger chill pill… Then I finally heard back from the people at the hormone clinic who had prescriped the overdose, and they advised I stop taking the cream for a week… then start again at a half dose.

I think this will give my body time to burn off the excess progesterone and hopefully find some balance with the much smaller dose.

For now I am a droopy eyed, slightly sedated woman who can’t concentrate. I don’t mind feeling sedated considering the Heebee jeebies as an alternative. *shivers* So, now I have to catch up on my life in this state.

You see, it takes an awful lot of energy to be this anxious so I had been exhausted and unable to pry my ass off the couch to clean up the last couple weeks.

Second day off the progesterone I managed to get most of the cleaning done. Next day I worked a 12 hour shift and made a dent in Christmas shopping. Today I managed to finish all the main gift buying… Now just a couple details left to pick up.. plus some family pix and christmas cards.

I just keep putting one groggy foot in front of the other… but beware… if you see a tiny little pixie of a zombie coming towards you in Walmart, don’t shoot.. It’s only me.

Published in: on December 18, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (8)  
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Things That Give Me **Pause**

inner struggleSome of the things that gave me pause after reading my girlfriends Big Fat Christian Love Story was… First of all…  First and foremost…  what if it works?!!  *gasp*  Do I really want to get married again?  Truthfully, folks, I’m slightly terrified at the thought of it.

I think maybe that’s a bridge I’ll have to cross when I come to it.  Not only am I growing, healing and changing everyday but maybe I can’t know how I’ll feel once I am in that relationship.  I know how I want to feel… but maybe it’s just one of those things where you’ll know it when you see it.. or feel it in this case.

Next, I’ve always heard the phrase “you wouldn’t drive a car without test driving it first, would you?”  To marry someone without EVER having slept with that person seriously freaks me out.  Now, it wouldn’t be such a big deal if it were someone who I had previously played with but otherwise… errrr… ummm..  I don’t know about that.

Even my mother said “Take my advice, Dear…  NEVER wait til you’re married.”  lol…  Moms aren’t supposed to say that!

Next up… if “divorce is not an option”, then doesn’t that give someone kind of free license to walk all over you and treat you like crap?  Or ignore you and your needs or wants or requests, thinking “ahh, she’ll never leave.”  I hate that idea because there are a ton of things we can’t control in this life, like other people, but I can control me.  I may not be able to persuade him to stop drinking or gambling us in to the poor house, but I can choose to leave.  Now I’m supposed to give that up?  Just put up with anything he throws my way?

I have read some guy bloggers that talk about the three As.  The three As are the only time a divorce should be considered… They are abuse, addiction, and adultery.  I can’t quite get on board with that either though.  I think couples can work through anything (those things too) if there are two willing partners… but what isn’t willing?

What if one partner refuses to try to improve things?  What if you are miserable and he just doesn’t give a rat’s ass?  What if there is complete neglect?  Is that a form of abuse?  What if it feels like you live with a stranger because she’s a work-a-holic?  Does that count as an addiction?

What if she’s shopping you in to bankruptcy and homelessness?  What if she just keeps doing it, no matter how many cards you cut up or check books you take away?  You can’t chain her up in the basement.  What are you supposed to do?  What if it’s been going on for a decade and the shop-a-holic refuses to even discuss the issue?  After all, why should she?  You’ve already told her “divorce is not an option” so she just figures you’ll never leave anyway!

So, lets say we would count that as a shopping addiction…  Shopping is an addiction now?  Then where do we draw the line?  Welcome to my internal struggle.

*Sigh*  I guess maybe that’s part of trusting God… fully surrendering.   Hmmm..  maybe it’s not God I don’t trust though… it’s men.  Ooooh, that sounded bad but it is part of the therapy stuff I’m working through right now.  Wish me luck, blogger friends…. because I have a feeling that once I work through this particular area in therapy, I’ll have the answers to the questions here as well.

Published in: on December 9, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (4)  
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Stalled on Relationship Road

excuses, excuses

excuses, excuses

Ok, peeps…  My apologies for this late published post.  It’s the first time in a very, very long time that I’ve not posted on schedule.  Three times a week.. Tues, Thurs, Sun 9am.  Usually, I have posts lined up to publish, sometimes 6 weeks ahead.  Not today though.

Lately, I’ve been working through a lot of really intense feelings about men, women and relationships.  I’ve been working through a lot of hurts left over from my divorce and childhood…  Daddy issues, divorce and abandonment issues…  BIG stuff.  Well, I keep getting part way through a particular defining moment and then sidetracked and derailed…   then comes the procrastination.

This pattern seems to be happening in several areas of my life.  For instance, the house work.  I’ve been putting it off a bit, but then I’ll work on it some but never get fully caught up.  Stalled, until it feels chaotic and a bit overwhelming.

I find that I’ve got so much to worry about these days… with the winter weather, and holidays coming and all.  It’s a lot for a single Mom to manage.  Remember last year?  https://search4asoulmate.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/a-single-moms-december/

Especially with children expecting the magic of Santa.  That’s a lot of pressure on a single mom!  Today I joked with my shift partners that I shoulda broke the news to the kids all at once—  “Kids, we’re leaving your father…  and by the way there’s no Santa!”

I can’t help thinking it’s all related.  I feel like I’ve got pregnancy brain… so many things to worry about that my sponge is full and things are getting forgotten.  AND it’s a vicious cycle, because the more I forget, the more stressed I feel, the more I forget… etc etc.

I think that’s why I’ve procrastinated the dang blog posts until I eventually just ran out of time.  With all these overwhelming issues, I feel stalled on relationship road.  In more ways than one.  I haven’t had a date in like 6 months… haven’t even been asked out on a date in all that time either.  *rolls eyes*  Talk about stalled.

I’m choosing it though.  I chose to take myself off the market, hunker down and do this therapy stuff.  I have to remind myself some time.  I guess I’m also choosing when I procrastinate or leave chores half-finished too.

Anyways….  There’s all my excuses for missing my own deadline.  lol.   Catch you Sunday!

Published in: on December 6, 2012 at 4:32 pm  Comments (2)  
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