Surprise, Surprise

“Many of us get our emotional excercise by jumping to negative conclusions” –Leo Buscaglia

There were so many things said in the talk with The Ambassador of Ambiguity. I was looking for reassurance and he took his second chance to give me that, and ran with it.

I happy to hear that he valued me in his life enough to worry about me being upset, and talk to his friends about it. He didn’t want to lose me, and when he thought that was happening curled up with the blankets over his head.

He told me that he turned down a recent transfer opportunity for three reasons, one was me, the second his best friend who also lives here in town, and last was the crazy bitch that runs the store he was considering transfering to.

I was happy to be a part of that decision. I was the perfect mix.

It wasn’t all about me, but I was a factor and that made me happy.
He once again stated that I am unlike any of the women he has ever dated. I have my life together and I’m mature. (I guess that’s a good thing. lol) He’s always been the mature one. It seems now though that he is looking for a partner, not a project.

He told me that it’s because I am different… Essentially because he values me and this relationship, that he has been so adamant about taking things slow. “I want to grow together, to be able to say I can’t be without her.”

He did more than satisfy, even delight me with his sentiments but he surprised me too. Not only had his thoughts gone from “Do I want a relationship?” to “Is she the one?” but he surprised the hell out of me with the next question…

“Am I the marrying kind? I mean, has it crossed your mind? Have you thought about it?”

Wow, I know my eyes got BIG at that question, and I sucked in a bunch of oxygen. He went on to say that he’d been listening to Elvis Duran in The Morning on the radio and they discussed this topic. Apparently the participants said things like “within 6-12 months you should know if this is someone you would marry.”

He also talked about a couple of women that work for him who are not married. One had a makeshift ceremony and has a ring but it’s not legal, and the other has been happy and healthy with her man for 15 years.

I stumbled a little bit, and then took a breath and allowed myself to be fully open and honest. “For me, if I never get married again that would probably be ok, except that in our society they sometimes make it necessary to be married. What if one partner gets sick and can’t work and needs medical insurance? What if they won’t let you in the hospital room because you aren’t married.. you aren’t family. You have no rights to make medical decisions for that person, etc.

I’ve done the whole picket fence thing, and that’s just not important to me. What matters to me is the emotional connection. I want someone I could be happy with if we had to live in a tent… but not someone who would run his life off the rails so we actually do have to live in a tent.”

I went on to say “Are you the marrying kind? I think, for me, yes… but to be honest, this withholding communication and stuff will make me run the other way fast. We’ve got to get this figured out.”

He told me that his view on life has changed. He no longer wants to be the gypsy that says “look I can pack everything I own into a back pack and leave today.” He wants a home and a family. He wants to feel at home, and have a place he belongs.

He also went on to talk about money, and how it’s important to him to have a cushion. He doesn’t want to have a lot of unsecured debt. I told him I have just one credit card with a $300 limit. “But we’ve got years maybe,” I went on “before we have to talk about those sorts of things and when I get in a situation like that again I’m fine with keeping things separate.”

I did not elaborate on my theory on couples finance, and we moved on. Maybe I should have. Then again, I’m sure that talk will come up again later.

He also asked if I am going to retire from the agency I currently work for. I told him I love it there, and have no plans to leave at this point but who knows what will happen when the kids get older. I might want to get out of this town. There’ s a whole big world out there.

He seemed to think he knew how I felt, but I guarantee I surprised him as well. Men seem so ready to assume that we all want to get hitched, combine finances, and follow where ever they go –or the oposite and never leave our current location.

I have no interest in a man’s money. I would be perfectly happy putting a percentage of what we make in to an account for household finances… The rest of his is HIS. I don’t have to worry about what kind of toys he buys or how much he spends on what, because it’s not mine. Chances are he’ll earn more and have more to spend, but that can get worked out in who pays for romantic getaways and who buys dinner out. If we are both generous and not demanding and greedy… It’ll work out fine.

I even have one girlfriend that can’t say it enough “prenup. prenup. prenup!” and I agree. This go round, I am taking responsiblity for earning my own way, and my own retirement. I know I won’t be staying at home caring for children as was the agreement with my ex-husband, so there’s no reason not to.

Can’t wait to see where this will go from here. He dropped by last night and was not the slightlest bit withholding of his feelings, compliments and affection. (although, still no dirty details to share. boooo!)

We are growing together and mmmmm, that feels good.

Published in: on January 13, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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The NY Musician: Possiblities Are Always Exciting

So, I’ve been talking to The NY Musician again. We dated a few years ago for a short time and it didn’t work out. He moved away but I never forgot about him…

He’s soooo NOT my regular type. “My type” as in the type I usually end up with. It’s not that that’s what I’m looking for… I just tend to end up with these Alpha male, aggressive types. Adventurous, and ambitious with a very impressive resume but they’re not so nice most of the time. The Ramblin’ Man is this kind of guy, although much more considerate than most.

The NY Musician is NOT like these guys. He’s sentimental and creative. He appreciates people and relationships. He creates things.. he makes music and he’s an amazing Chef.

I described him to my bestie, Capt. Amazing, today. I said he’s part musician, part computer nerd and a fantastic Chef.

When I first met The NY Musician he was working as a Chef at a chic and popular restaurant in the gorgeous treed mountain town where we lived. He was a friend of my BFF, and I found him funny and stylish. I remember the first time we were hanging out, all three of us, and he said “Out on the town with two beautiful girls. Roofie-coladas all around!” He has such a quirky sense of humor.

The NY Musician is a stocky 5’10” with brown hair in a trendy styled cut and soft brown eyes. He wears black rimmed rectangular glasses and always has on fantastic shoes and jeans with the perfect faded wash. He’s a little metro, if you can’t tell. ( Also nothing like my usual type, Alphas are often all substance and no style)

Not long after I met him, my BFF let me know that The Musician was crushin’ on me big time. I was still crazy in love with another guy… and thought The Musician was not a guy I’d ever date.  Eventually, however, I came around to give The Musician a chance. He made me laugh and wowed me with his talent in the kitchen.

I remember our first kiss. I asked him to meet me outside the restaurant where he worked as a Chef. I had gone there for a specific purpose, and sat on the hood of my car and waited.  We chatted for a minute, and then I reached out and grabbed his shirt to pull him close as we shared our first kiss. He brought me flowers the next day.

Unfortunately 2-3 years ago The Musician was in the throes of addiction. I was not aware at the time, but he was like a surfer inside the tube, with the wave of his addiction about to crash over him. Even though I had no idea he was an alcoholic (he was hiding it from everyone), the alcohol was eroding our budding new relationship. It made him different… a different person entirely.

So, things didn’t work out and here’s why… It was the oddest thing. I felt like he didn’t want me. Which was weird because I knew that emotionally he was very attached to me, but physically it was like he could take it or leave it. I also got the impression that he wasn’t very experienced and I, on the other hand, am highly sexual. Half the time it seemed like he just didn’t know what to do with me. He was a cuddler and constantly wanted to hold me, but the truth is sometimes a girl wants to be devoured. I especially crave to be grabbed, and stuck to the wall… kissed like you can’t get enough, and my clothes savagely pulled off.

There is something to be said for a sweet soft kiss and being in the arms of a man who has genuine affection for you, but if you don’t want to tear my clothes off then I’ve got to keep walkin’.

Fast forward to today, The NY Musician and I have been texting pretty heavily for the past week or so. He’s someone who will just put his feelings out there, without being worried about scaring me off or it being too quick or anything, so things are starting to sound pretty serious pretty fast.

Tonight he sent me a text that said “I adore you, and have fallen very hard for you.” I stared at the phone in slight disbelief and then marinated in it for a while… paying close attention to how I was feeling.

My skin got hot and I had to admit I adore him too. He’s so thoughtful, and passionate and overflowing with love. When I look at who he is, and who I am, I can see a partnership. I see us being side by side, helping and supporting each other… and that’s what I sincerely want. Just like the country song says “I want a man to stand beside me. Not in front of or behind me…”

My previous relationships have lacked that kind of balance. Things were never balanced. Usually I’d end up with an aggressive alpha male, and I would be the support person. That put me in the walking behind him category. OR, even with one of my greatest loves… I seemed to be the one orchestrating every thing in almost parental fashion in our daily lives (walking in front of him) but then he took charge in the bedroom. I’m sure that’s why we had such a fantastic sex life.

As amazing as that love was… I don’t want to be anyone’s mother (except my own two kids) and I don’t want to be his assistant either.

So, with The NY Musician there are all these amazing possibilities. Right now he’s living 4 hours away from me and working a job that really pays like shit. He is open to moving up here, but he’d have to find work and that’s not easy in this small town. I have considered offering to let him stay at my place until he gets himself into his own place, but I haven’t yet. I desperately need some face time with him. It’ll be two weeks before that happens.

Things seem to be getting serious and I know my feelings are growing stronger at lightning speed. That scares me. I’m scared that when we get face time, I’ll still feel like he doesn’t physically want me. I’m scared that maybe I won’t want him. I’m scared that he’ll still feel very strongly and I won’t feel the same… then I’ll have to break the news, which will break his heart. I don’t want to do that. At the root of this all, he is my friend. I appreciate who he is SO much. I really don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want to get hurt either. Still, Capt. Amazing keeps telling me “possibilities are always exciting.”

There are also some heavy things he needs to deal with in the next year. Ya know, some things that happened before he got sober and still haven’t been resolved. He may HAVE TO be here in the small town where I live, and I have a feeling it’s going to be kind of brutal. Do I want to go there again? I’ve walked a similar road before with that great love I mentioned earlier.

Once again, I’m the unconventional christian so I say, if that’s where God wants me to be, that’s where I’ll be. AND I have always lead with my heart. I have never shrunk away from love because of fear, and I don’t intend to start now. I’m surprised though. Is this really happening to me? no way!

Published in: on September 15, 2011 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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