Surprise, Surprise

“Many of us get our emotional excercise by jumping to negative conclusions” –Leo Buscaglia

There were so many things said in the talk with The Ambassador of Ambiguity. I was looking for reassurance and he took his second chance to give me that, and ran with it.

I happy to hear that he valued me in his life enough to worry about me being upset, and talk to his friends about it. He didn’t want to lose me, and when he thought that was happening curled up with the blankets over his head.

He told me that he turned down a recent transfer opportunity for three reasons, one was me, the second his best friend who also lives here in town, and last was the crazy bitch that runs the store he was considering transfering to.

I was happy to be a part of that decision. I was the perfect mix.

It wasn’t all about me, but I was a factor and that made me happy.
He once again stated that I am unlike any of the women he has ever dated. I have my life together and I’m mature. (I guess that’s a good thing. lol) He’s always been the mature one. It seems now though that he is looking for a partner, not a project.

He told me that it’s because I am different… Essentially because he values me and this relationship, that he has been so adamant about taking things slow. “I want to grow together, to be able to say I can’t be without her.”

He did more than satisfy, even delight me with his sentiments but he surprised me too. Not only had his thoughts gone from “Do I want a relationship?” to “Is she the one?” but he surprised the hell out of me with the next question…

“Am I the marrying kind? I mean, has it crossed your mind? Have you thought about it?”

Wow, I know my eyes got BIG at that question, and I sucked in a bunch of oxygen. He went on to say that he’d been listening to Elvis Duran in The Morning on the radio and they discussed this topic. Apparently the participants said things like “within 6-12 months you should know if this is someone you would marry.”

He also talked about a couple of women that work for him who are not married. One had a makeshift ceremony and has a ring but it’s not legal, and the other has been happy and healthy with her man for 15 years.

I stumbled a little bit, and then took a breath and allowed myself to be fully open and honest. “For me, if I never get married again that would probably be ok, except that in our society they sometimes make it necessary to be married. What if one partner gets sick and can’t work and needs medical insurance? What if they won’t let you in the hospital room because you aren’t married.. you aren’t family. You have no rights to make medical decisions for that person, etc.

I’ve done the whole picket fence thing, and that’s just not important to me. What matters to me is the emotional connection. I want someone I could be happy with if we had to live in a tent… but not someone who would run his life off the rails so we actually do have to live in a tent.”

I went on to say “Are you the marrying kind? I think, for me, yes… but to be honest, this withholding communication and stuff will make me run the other way fast. We’ve got to get this figured out.”

He told me that his view on life has changed. He no longer wants to be the gypsy that says “look I can pack everything I own into a back pack and leave today.” He wants a home and a family. He wants to feel at home, and have a place he belongs.

He also went on to talk about money, and how it’s important to him to have a cushion. He doesn’t want to have a lot of unsecured debt. I told him I have just one credit card with a $300 limit. “But we’ve got years maybe,” I went on “before we have to talk about those sorts of things and when I get in a situation like that again I’m fine with keeping things separate.”

I did not elaborate on my theory on couples finance, and we moved on. Maybe I should have. Then again, I’m sure that talk will come up again later.

He also asked if I am going to retire from the agency I currently work for. I told him I love it there, and have no plans to leave at this point but who knows what will happen when the kids get older. I might want to get out of this town. There’ s a whole big world out there.

He seemed to think he knew how I felt, but I guarantee I surprised him as well. Men seem so ready to assume that we all want to get hitched, combine finances, and follow where ever they go –or the oposite and never leave our current location.

I have no interest in a man’s money. I would be perfectly happy putting a percentage of what we make in to an account for household finances… The rest of his is HIS. I don’t have to worry about what kind of toys he buys or how much he spends on what, because it’s not mine. Chances are he’ll earn more and have more to spend, but that can get worked out in who pays for romantic getaways and who buys dinner out. If we are both generous and not demanding and greedy… It’ll work out fine.

I even have one girlfriend that can’t say it enough “prenup. prenup. prenup!” and I agree. This go round, I am taking responsiblity for earning my own way, and my own retirement. I know I won’t be staying at home caring for children as was the agreement with my ex-husband, so there’s no reason not to.

Can’t wait to see where this will go from here. He dropped by last night and was not the slightlest bit withholding of his feelings, compliments and affection. (although, still no dirty details to share. boooo!)

We are growing together and mmmmm, that feels good.

Published in: on January 13, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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God Damn You, Communication! or lack there of…

I had a horrible wicked day yesterday.

I could feel The Ambassador of Ambiguity pulling back after two weeks of constant contact, and even a dinner party. I don’t know if he realized it but dinner parties are couples town. You don’t host a dinner party together unless you’re… together. It’s a time when you meet each other’s friends. You cook in the other’s kitchen, and everyone sees you together. This last part, for girls anyway, invariably results in mountains of BFF feedback.

Like everything in his life, he goes full blast… then backs off. I understand that, yet, I also know that we are in a precarious position right now, so his pull back bothered me to say the least.
So, I go over to his place and stumble through a few painfully shortened sentences from my speech. We get to talking and this are fantastic as they always are in person.

The next day, once I woke up, had my coffee and started with my day…. I realized that I had gone to him asking for reassurance and what did I get? “I think you’re more excited about this than I am.”

Then I was pissed. I mean, I was totally enraged (in case you couldn’t tell from yesterday’s blog post). That was my perception anyway, although The Sultry School Teacher quickly corrected me saying it was hurt and disappointment really. This sent me straight in to tears and I told her it’s just easier to be mad.

I was angry, not only because he had NOT been reassuring at all… but also because I even had to ASK what he was feeling. I was pissed that he wasn’t just offering up his thoughts and feelings. I was pissed because I am feeling like I am having to pry things out of him (did this for years in my previous marriage so I am overly sensitive to it). I was mad that even after atleast being friends for 7 months I’m left wondering and guessing. Is he feeling anything or is he just all dead inside? jeez!

I stewed about it all day. I got input from friends. I am someone who will undoubtedly go my own way, but you never know when just one line from a friend might give me a new perspective.

I was trying like hell to find a reason to hang on when nearly everyone I care about was telling me to run. I stewed and stewed and got more pissed off when I didn’t hear from him all day. I felt like he hadn’t heard a fucking word I said.

He and I were supposed to go on an adventure. I thought we’d go climb this amazing tree I saw the other day. It’s an old oak in the middle of a field. Nothing around, just the tree it’s self. I told him I was off at 3 and we should go but when I hadn’t heard from him and I was so incredibly angry… I wrote it off. I made plans to eat ice cream, drink wine and watch “Friends with Benefits.”

“Why did I pick that movie?”, you might ask… Well, not only are Rom Coms my absolute favorite genre, and relationships my favorite topic in life (not counting sex) but who the hell knows… maybe I’d get one of those “ah-ha” moments from it. You may say it’s only a movie, but the truth is— screenplays are written by people, and people draw from experience… so in my mind, it started in reality at some point, and obviously went to fantasy from there. (Duhhh, I mean who organizes a flash mob for a girl in real life? no one.)

I went home from work, puttered around my house…. staring at his monterous barbeque that was still on my back porch from the party, the book he lent me, his ipod and the gigantic speakers and stereo he’d given me…. thinking if things crash now he’ll have to like come over and load up his truck. Fuck! That would be SOOO uncomfortable.

I did go by his place. I just couldn’t bring myself to call one more time and have him not answer. So, I picked up his book and ipod (the only two items left at my house that I could carry on my own) and headed over there. Not knowing what I was going to say, only that I would not be going anywhere with him and certainly not climbing any trees.

Even though his truck was there, his place was all dark. I knocked on his door, with no answer… So, I popped the ipod inside the book, then put the book in the mailbox and left.

I headed next door and talked The Sultry School Teacher’s ears off. She was wonderful and incredible… She assured me that I was not being a needy black hole and what I wanted was not unreasonable. I have to say The Sultry School Teacher is probably my most logical level headed friend, even over my guy Besties. She listened and also suggested I might not have been clear when we talked the night before.

She also said that it might not seem like it, but I am amazing because I know what I need. So many women don’t know what they need. They only know what feels right and what doesn’t. Even further, they rarely have the vocabulary to verbalize these things when they do recognize them. (Guys, that HAS to be maddening! Such is one of the reasons I have switched over and started batting for the other team! Women can be crazy emotional messes).

“You on the other hand, have pretty much given him the instruction manual” she said… and I felt a little better.

We watched the movie– which was frickin’ fantastic, by the way. Although, at the climax of the story my anger at the entire male species flared up. The School Teacher and I aren’t men bashers by any means, but if looks could kill— any one with testicles was smart to stay the hell away that day. Why is it SO fucking difficult to tell someone how you feel? Why is it so terrifying to men?

Despite Captain Amazing and The X’s advice, I was not yet ready to throw in the towel. I prayed… I even read my tarot and I keep getting the sense that there is something more here I needed to learn. There is some really important personal growth that needs to happen here, and I need to move forward even if it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

Eventually, The Ambassador did text me “Hey Girly, how was your day?” I just replied “Bad. Bad Day.” And that was it for the day.

I had a glass of rum… finished the movie and headed home. Still, not sure what I was going to do about this.

Published in: on January 11, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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