Lessons Learned Through Prayer and other Meditation Type Junk

After my last post, I found myself just puttering around my house. Off work with no kids in tow.

I didn’t want to reach out further to The Ambassador, as I now realize how this dance goes. If I step back and give him time, he finds his own reasons for moving toward me. When I move toward him though, he steps back. I’m not crazy about this dance, but I know we are moving closer to a more level interaction. I was also feeling rather introspective. I think yesterday’s rush of emotion was part panic and I wanted to sort through some of that.

I considered the “fixer upper” type realization I had yesterday. I know the friend I was talking to thinks I am making rationalizations for whats happening in my relationship. Still, he doesn’t know The Ambassador. He really has no way of seeing the entire picture, short of getting on a plane and flying a really long way to meet us. He’s doing his best to speak his truth, as he sees it, and with the information he’s been given. I appreciate that, but I know I really can’t give him a balance view.

My friend only knows the things I type out because they are nagging at me. He only knows the things I’m trying to work through, and pour out on to the page. Since he is my friend and we have a crazy awesome rapport, maybe he’s not seeing my part in what’s happening. Or maybe he is… Who knows… Is my crazy showing? lol

Last night, I was feelings my spirtual side like a pool of water I was immersed in. I floated around my house in a daze of prayer and a meditation of sorts.

I picked up a movie, in an attempt to better understand The Ambassador, because that’s what I do. I really believe that God has put me through so many trials so that I have the ability to identify with and better understand the people in my life.

I also truly believed that God has put me through just enough, just a taste of certain types of struggles but not enough to break me —-and I am grateful for that.

As I moved peacefully around my house, once again I felt in my heart that this man has come in to my life for a reason. I was convinced that I wouldn’t see him that evening, thinking he was having deep thoughts about our relationship and would fold in to himself as he has done before.

I took a deep breath and gave myself some affirmations– (I can NOT say enough good things about positive self talk). I told myself to approach this life, and all my interactions through the eyes of love– not fear, and I felt better… comfortable, and less anxious.

If The Ambassador’s feeling thoughtful, that doesn’t mean he’s going to bail, and at the same time– if he does, then I guess it wasn’t meant to be. (Stop trying to control it!) I’d be fine and move along. I know there will be other opportunities…. So, in essence, I let go and let God. Decided to have faith, and relax knowing everything would be ok.

The movie I picked up was “Courageous”. It’s a christian based film (with terrible acting. lol) about men and their roles as leaders in their families and communities. It’s from the makers of “Fireproof”. You might have heard of that one.

The Ambassador was touched when he watched “Courageous” and posted a heartfelt status update on his facebook. I was moved when I read it, and really wanted to understand just what it was that affected him so much.

So, I ran by the Red box and picked it up. I was overwhelmed by the feeling that I should try to understand and see things through those eyes… and not the crazy eyes of fear and over analyzing. I took a breath and popped in the movie. Just as the credits started to play, I heard the familiar chime text alert from my phone.

Ambassador: What are you doing?

Cadence: About to watch “Courageous”

Ambassador: By yourself?

Cadence: Yes, unless you’re offering your company

Ambassador: Yes, can I?

Cadence: Of course

Well, would you look at that… I was wrong. I guess I am going to see him. This was certainly a bit different than what I have seen from him before. So many things have wandered their way in to my head since then… Ya, maybe he’s a fixer upper, but so am I . (Obviously, helloooo over analyzer, over thinker, panicker, reluctant controller!)

Honestly, is there -anyone- out there that is not a fixer upper? Idk… If so, maybe I would suffer by comparison as I -know- I’m not perfect. No one is. I think the more important question is whether or not that person is open to and moving towards growth. I have met all types… Angry types, abusive types, defensive types, even types that deny personal growth even exists at all.

The Ambassador and I had a fantastic night! Giggling, and watching the movie… Talking and learning more about each other. I am always further and further surprised by this size of his heart.

This morning I can’t wipe the smile off my face. I’m blissful. I know that sometimes I just need to take a breath and give him a minute to get used to things, and feel comfortable in this new “official” space we’re in. I needed a little time feel more comfortable… Why wouldn’t he?

Published in: on February 9, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (4)  
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