Seeking INSTANT Relationship, Please Apply With In

How do ya like my new motto?


My match profile has gathered some interesting charachters over the last couple of days.

I find it odd that it seems to be recruiting men who seem to have a hole in their life and seek to fill it with an attractive creature of the oposite sex… possibly ANY attractive creature of the oposite sex.

All the “going slow” stuff over the last few months was good for me in some ways. It reminded me how fulfilling it is to really know someone.

The men that have been emailing me from match seem to have forgotten that. They are coming on too strong and too fast. That gives a girl the feeling that he is not so much infatuated with HER, as he is with the idea of having a woman in his life.

First there was the older man who lives 150 miles away. We’ll call him The Walker… because it seemed like every time he messaged me, he had just returned from walking his dogs.

The stupid instant messaging isn’t working, so The Walker wants to start text messaging right away. I mulled it over and figured if I met him in a supermarket or something I’d hand out my phone number… so I gave it to him.

He instantly started texting me and saying things like “I wish you were here” and “You’re so cute. We’d make a great couple.”

I found myself just staring at the phone in shock and confusion. How does one reply to that? He’s never met me, or seen me in person. He doesn’t even know me.

Maybe he’s reading Social Kenny’s blog http://kennyspuathoughts.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/taking-it-slow-with-womena-deadly-mistake/ and trying to go as fast as he possibly can.

I love what Kenny had to say in this post, but you have to move at atleast an appropriate speed, otherwise it comes off like it doesn’t matter who is on the other end of the flirtation. Like “I’m not special.. I just happened to be the only one in front of him at the moment.”

I don’t know what The Walker was thinking, but when I piped up about it, he disappeared. Hey… fine with me.

Next there was the Leo in San Jose, also a much older man. He’s doing the same damn thing! Says his life is perfect, but missing a good woman. Saying things like “I can’t stop thinking about you.” We have never even talked on the phone! You don’t KNOW me.

He also said something about me having two great kids. How the hell does he know? My kids could be screaming mee-mees, or VERY difficult high needs children. They aren’t. They are phenominal humans, but he doesn’t know that.

Plus… a word of advice here guys… don’t express too much interest in a woman’s children, it’s creepy.

The only difference between this guy and The Walker is that when I mentioned the speed at which he was traveling to The Leo, he ratcheted it down, and kept emailing.

I get that people want to move fast. Believe me, I want what I want, and I want it now too— but I want a man, a partner, a substantial person– not just a stand in that I don’t know anything about.

Now that’s not all I’ve been running in to. I did talk on the phone with one guy, who is closer to my age and doesn’t seem to be seeking instant relationship gratification. He’s SO different though. He wasn’t funny, light hearted, and flirtatious like I am. He wasn’t engaging.

I don’t know that we have anything in common really. He has no military background or anything– The conversation just really didn’t flow.

I’m shuttin’ down the match profile too. I’m so burnt out on the online thing.

There is one guy I’m talking to and having a great time with…. I sort of came by him by chance… or by luck or by fate.

At this point, I think he’s got an idea of who I am and seems to actually know what he is doing.

He gets me giggling, and the conversation is good… When we first talked on the phone, I felt like I was chatting up an old friend.

Great looking, charismatic and chalk full of charm. Of course, as luck would have it, he’s crazy far away.

You know what though? At this point I’m having too much fun to care! So, I’ll keep talking to Mr. Charisma and living my life. We’ll see what the universe sends my way.

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Calling All Freaks

At first coming off the fence with The Ambassador was a relief. FINALLY dude made a decision, even if it wasn’t what I had hoped for.. I realize it was for the best. I re-opened my match and plenty of freaks profiles.

It didn’t take long for me to remember what a bitch it is out there. Ugh! Men can be SO clueless and rude. They’ll message you even when you are clearly NOT a match. Even when my profile states “public safety dispatcher” and he has a conviction for assault on a peace officer. (Although, at least the felon was attractive, and sweet after I told him no dice. Kudos for that.)

All too often, men don’t read the profiles. That’s one conclusion I’ve come to… THEN when I (as politely as I possibly can) thank said idiots for the message but point out that we are not a match— they often feel compelled to come back with the last word. And it’s usually not a very nice one. Rude.

Men will even message you when your profile says “works out 3­­-5x a week” and he gravely overwieght. Clueless.

Here are some of the winners I’ve come across. We’ll start with The Correctional Officer. Kudos for realizing we are in the same field. That could be good, but yikes on the “about me” section. What was this guy thinking?

I want to find that special women (was this purposely pluralized? lol) that wants to have more kids get married spend just not right now maybe later (huh?) I will spend the rest of our lives together (YOU will?), loves to work out, sports, and nascar. I love hip hop, techno, rap, and 80’s music, and am a hope less romantic. I am very straight forward, and very aggressive always says what is on my mind. (The poor grammer is killing me!) I still dont know what I really want, I know that I just want to make you mine (translation: The conquest is all I want). I will tell you what you want to hear to get what I want (watch out, I lie to get laid!). I am wanting to settle down with that special women (again plural?) if she is out there.

Then there was the guy with a picture of himself standing NEAR Adam Sandler as his main pic. No explaination on his profile. That can’t be good.

Then there was a cyclist (sorry boyz– NOT a sexy hobby in my book) who’s pic reminds me of Mark Walberg. Points there, because I lust over Marky Mark on a regular basis, but oddly enough, there are NO smiling pics of him. Not one. Not even close. Also, he’s a gemini and I have TERRIBLE luck with Geminis. The Ambassador is a gemini and so is my ex-husband. I should really leave those guys alone. His message to me went something like this:

Your comment about two people together against the world really resonates with
me. its been a long time since I’ve thought about that. Id love to learn
more about you. I dont get on here all the time, so you’re welcome to call
or text me if you like. (530)521-8959

I’m sorry, that message SHOUTS “relationships are not important to me”– and also apparently I have permission to contact him. Whatever.

Then there was some 20 yr old kid who IMd me on match asking if I would consider FWB. I was like “Nope. I’m a LTR girl”

Now I can see the value of FWB if you both realize that person is not the one, but you are attacted to each other, familiar and have some trust– but I can’t say that I believe it ever really works. You know, someone starts to get feelings and someone gets hurt. Whatever…. But THIS guy? We are not even friends… He’s stranger danger, dude. He might as well have just said “Are you DTF?”

Out of curiosity I asked him what he thought about the theory that FWB never works and he said “well, it works if you don’t spend time together.” —- See, then how can you be FRIENDS? That’s just a stranger hook-up. PLUS, I need some 20 year old kid like I need a hole in the head.

Next there was a 20 something who emailed me and said “hey, feel free to check out my profile.” DUH, really? I hadn’t thought of that. Where am I, anyway? Oh ya.. online dating site. Dork. Here’s the kicker though.. When I went to his profile, it was almost completely blank. Nearly every single question said “I’ll tell ya later”.

I couldn’t just let that one lie, and messaged him “sparse profile.” He replied “ask me anything you want and I’ll tell you.” No dude… that’s not how this works. What the hell?

There was a dude who’s profile called him “Kissy-fur”. Yuck. For some reason that just blasts the word “gross” in to my head.

There was a guy I sent a wink to on match… He simply winked back. I’m not playin’. If a girl eyes you in a bar, you don’t just eye her back. Step up and go talk to her. Let me spell this out for you, winky guy. Online dating translation= send her a message.

Then there was a very attractive guy who messaged me on plenty of freaks. Still, as we exchanged a few messages… He just kept sending the word “niceeeeeeeee”. I thought wtf? So, I asked him. His reply “I could use other words but I choose that one. Niceeeeeee”

**angry frustrated sigh** Seriously? What are you, some kind of ridiculous frat boy? Are you completely stoned out of your gord? Is there even a brain inside that skull rattling around? Of course, I didn’t say this to the poor brainless guy. I’m not mean to people like that… I just didn’t reply anymore. **eye roll**

As most of these nuts arrived in my inbox through Plenty of Freaks… I hid the profile again. I think I’ve had my fill of freaks for the time being.

Published in: on January 26, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (12)  
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Now What the Hell is Going On?

It seems to never end with this guy… Of course, I may be letting my nervousness and total lack of patience get the best of me, but still.

I was supposed to hang out with The Ambassador last week but he bailed. I figured– no big deal.. it happens. We both work super long shifts and I don’t know what is going on with him right now but something is definitely on his mind.

Then, we are chatting on the phone and he starts telling me about some girl he saw while he was shopping for shoes. He said he normally would have flirted his ass off with her but right now he just doesn’t care. He’s just yakking away completely oblivious… It probably never occured to him that I was uncomfortable hearing about this girl he talked to.

So, I’m like “ok, that was a really wierd line of conversation for me.”

“Really? Why?” he asked.

I probably talked at about warp speed right then because I don’t even remember all the things I said. I was still being sweet and giggly, but I certainly remember saying “Well, we had that talk and what am I, invisible?”

He replies “No, you’re not invisible. Are you not dating anyone else?”

I was exasperated at this point “NO, I’m not dating anyone else! I have this mad crush and I’m hoping something is going to happen there!”

“Ahh, am I your mad crush?” I could HEAR him smiling. Ooooh, what a smart ass.

I just shook my head. After we got off the phone I slowly realized more and more that I was totally unhappy with that conversation. I am starting to feel like I am chasing after him and we all know how I feel about that!

With my rebellious nature, I’ll just saunter off in the oposite direction while offering a solo finger salute. I HATE that feeling. I am not wired to hunt, but instead to be the hunted. Plus, WHY am I feeling this way? Apparently, I thought, he’s just not that in to me.

So fine.. I pull back some and try to get my head right with it. He comes by with his buddy on a week or so ago and notices my frosty exterior but not before he’s given his buddy the complete tour of my house. He bragged and squawked about all my handy work on the house. Whatever dude.

When it was time to be on his way, he had to -ask me- to walk him to the door. That never happens. I’m super spunky and friendly, especially when people are in my home. I’m also a hugger. I hug almost everyone, or atleast shake hands. I’m tactile like that, and lately I’ve been lavishly lingering in The Ambassador’s arms… but that day I didn’t even lean in to get a hug until he asked.

I shrugged off the visit and after a couple days my head felt right. He’s a remarkable person and he is my friend.

I hadn’t heard from him so I shot him an email. “Whatcha doin’?”

He replied “Just wondering if you still like me. I haven’t heard from you and I remember our last conversation. It wasn’t the best.”

I pretty much shined him on saying “oh stop. I’ll always like you” and told him I’d been kicking it at the hospital with a sick girlfriend for a couple days hassling the lazy ass nursing staff.

I didn’t feel like getting into it and explaining everything. I’ve done enough of that with him. Plus, what would be the point? It would just get me all hopeful thinking that he gave a crap.

Then he tried to call. I couldn’t pick up since I was at work.

Eventually, when we realized our schedules were condusive he said “Well, we should make some time together. I would really like that.”

The fuck?? That sounded kind of intimate. It wasn’t his usual “let’s hang out”. Listen here Mr. Ambassador, you must have fallen and bumped your head. Are we back there again? Even after all the uncomfortable and very straight forward talking and repeated absense of any action on your part?

I agreed to see him. I tell myself I’m probably reading too much into it. I’m going to see him Tuesday night.

Then, I put up a FB status that says “Feels good to get my mind workin’, emotions humming, and creative juices flowing!” and he comments “Yeah. Now let’s go build a fire! Woooo hooooo!”

Now I know it’s not just me. One of my guy friends commented “Game on!” and a girlfriend replied “Love it!” and they both called me to get the scoop. As usual, I have no juicy details to report.

I have to admit though.. I thought about my online profile. The Ambassador and I met on Plenty of Freaks and my profile headline or whatever said “Love is friendship on fire!”

Next I ask him what he’s up to and he emails me back “Just wasting the night. No coffee all day (he’s a huge coffee addict), music vibrating the room, warm blanket, thinking about Tuesday….”

I’m telling the guy friend (same dude mentioned in the above paragraph) about it and he swears there is no-other-possible-way to interpret that. He is convinced Tuesday night is THE night… and then he taunted me and said things like you guys are gonna “get it on”. He’s gonna “jump your bones”. Do the “horizontal mambo”. He’s gonna be “the mack daddy” and any number of embarrassing (for him, not me) ridiculous old school phrases.

I laughed and got off the phone. That was last night. Tonight is tuesday and I am still not convinced. He’s been quiet for the last few days. Ya know, he could be thinking about Tuesday and planning on how he’s going to let me down easy. Which would still be fine with me– atleast I’d know where I stand. I wouldn’t be in limbo anymore. Fuck limbo, dude, it sucks.

I can’t even enjoy the attention because I’m terrified to get my hopes up. It’s just ridiculous. I have no idea what he’s thinking, but I know what I’m thinking. As terrific as he is.. if tonight goes by with no moves… He’s OFF the fucking potentials list.

If I just go over and come home UNkissed again, then I am DONE. I’ll kick it with him as a friend maybe but he’ll have ruined his chances of romance with me. I would be as convinced as a snake handlin’ pentacostal that he will never do anything but jerk me around– and off to match I’ll go.

Did I mention that when I was gettin my head straight coming to terms with “he’s just not that into me”– I reactivated my Match.com profile? Yep… and one of the guys that messaged me made me “WOW”

Published in: on January 1, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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