Damn You WOOOOOD! And I don’t mean the fun kind!

Firewood is seriously driving me crazy. This year I decided to go with firewood only, since the heating fuel is super expensive and I was scared the heater would break again like it did last year.

Well, I was originally thrilled with the last cord of wood I bought cuz two guys name Jake delivered it and even stacked it in my wood shed. Woo-hooo! Until, later I realize I can not start a fire with it because they have split it in to giant supersized pie shaped logs.

Of course, I figure if I can stuff it in to the wood stove, it’ll work. Not so, my friends. Must have been hilarious watching me trying to start a fire with those gigantic pieces… Did manage to burn my hand pretty damn good in the process though. *eye roll*

So then I’ve got guys from church coming over to give me lessons on how to start a fire and bring smaller wood.

Well, today I attempted to put some of my lessons to work, and take a whack at splitting some of the enormous wood pieces. Sounds easy, right? Splitting wood. I even have a brand new ax, courtesy of The Ambassador when he was still around.

Well… Let me tell you… THIS is not so easy, and I have now decided… impossible. I just don’t have the upper body strength to do it. Also, I wanted to punch The Ambassador in the face for buying that stupid ax and making me think he’d be around to do things like chop wood… and then disappearing!

Apparently, I will have to continue getting my church peeps to bring me smaller wood to start the fires, then throwing the giant pieces in when it gets going good and hot.

I’ve also heard bbq lighter fluid works well… but I don’t want the kids to catch me doing that… Next things ya know, I go take the trash out and return to find my 8 year old holding a can of lighter fluid while standing next to my 10 year old with a lighter in her hand! Noooo bueno, dude.

Published in: on January 3, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (2)  
Tags: , ,

Calling All Freaks

At first coming off the fence with The Ambassador was a relief. FINALLY dude made a decision, even if it wasn’t what I had hoped for.. I realize it was for the best. I re-opened my match and plenty of freaks profiles.

It didn’t take long for me to remember what a bitch it is out there. Ugh! Men can be SO clueless and rude. They’ll message you even when you are clearly NOT a match. Even when my profile states “public safety dispatcher” and he has a conviction for assault on a peace officer. (Although, at least the felon was attractive, and sweet after I told him no dice. Kudos for that.)

All too often, men don’t read the profiles. That’s one conclusion I’ve come to… THEN when I (as politely as I possibly can) thank said idiots for the message but point out that we are not a match— they often feel compelled to come back with the last word. And it’s usually not a very nice one. Rude.

Men will even message you when your profile says “works out 3­­-5x a week” and he gravely overwieght. Clueless.

Here are some of the winners I’ve come across. We’ll start with The Correctional Officer. Kudos for realizing we are in the same field. That could be good, but yikes on the “about me” section. What was this guy thinking?

I want to find that special women (was this purposely pluralized? lol) that wants to have more kids get married spend just not right now maybe later (huh?) I will spend the rest of our lives together (YOU will?), loves to work out, sports, and nascar. I love hip hop, techno, rap, and 80’s music, and am a hope less romantic. I am very straight forward, and very aggressive always says what is on my mind. (The poor grammer is killing me!) I still dont know what I really want, I know that I just want to make you mine (translation: The conquest is all I want). I will tell you what you want to hear to get what I want (watch out, I lie to get laid!). I am wanting to settle down with that special women (again plural?) if she is out there.

Then there was the guy with a picture of himself standing NEAR Adam Sandler as his main pic. No explaination on his profile. That can’t be good.

Then there was a cyclist (sorry boyz– NOT a sexy hobby in my book) who’s pic reminds me of Mark Walberg. Points there, because I lust over Marky Mark on a regular basis, but oddly enough, there are NO smiling pics of him. Not one. Not even close. Also, he’s a gemini and I have TERRIBLE luck with Geminis. The Ambassador is a gemini and so is my ex-husband. I should really leave those guys alone. His message to me went something like this:

Your comment about two people together against the world really resonates with
me. its been a long time since I’ve thought about that. Id love to learn
more about you. I dont get on here all the time, so you’re welcome to call
or text me if you like. (530)521-8959

I’m sorry, that message SHOUTS “relationships are not important to me”– and also apparently I have permission to contact him. Whatever.

Then there was some 20 yr old kid who IMd me on match asking if I would consider FWB. I was like “Nope. I’m a LTR girl”

Now I can see the value of FWB if you both realize that person is not the one, but you are attacted to each other, familiar and have some trust– but I can’t say that I believe it ever really works. You know, someone starts to get feelings and someone gets hurt. Whatever…. But THIS guy? We are not even friends… He’s stranger danger, dude. He might as well have just said “Are you DTF?”

Out of curiosity I asked him what he thought about the theory that FWB never works and he said “well, it works if you don’t spend time together.” —- See, then how can you be FRIENDS? That’s just a stranger hook-up. PLUS, I need some 20 year old kid like I need a hole in the head.

Next there was a 20 something who emailed me and said “hey, feel free to check out my profile.” DUH, really? I hadn’t thought of that. Where am I, anyway? Oh ya.. online dating site. Dork. Here’s the kicker though.. When I went to his profile, it was almost completely blank. Nearly every single question said “I’ll tell ya later”.

I couldn’t just let that one lie, and messaged him “sparse profile.” He replied “ask me anything you want and I’ll tell you.” No dude… that’s not how this works. What the hell?

There was a dude who’s profile called him “Kissy-fur”. Yuck. For some reason that just blasts the word “gross” in to my head.

There was a guy I sent a wink to on match… He simply winked back. I’m not playin’. If a girl eyes you in a bar, you don’t just eye her back. Step up and go talk to her. Let me spell this out for you, winky guy. Online dating translation= send her a message.

Then there was a very attractive guy who messaged me on plenty of freaks. Still, as we exchanged a few messages… He just kept sending the word “niceeeeeeeee”. I thought wtf? So, I asked him. His reply “I could use other words but I choose that one. Niceeeeeee”

**angry frustrated sigh** Seriously? What are you, some kind of ridiculous frat boy? Are you completely stoned out of your gord? Is there even a brain inside that skull rattling around? Of course, I didn’t say this to the poor brainless guy. I’m not mean to people like that… I just didn’t reply anymore. **eye roll**

As most of these nuts arrived in my inbox through Plenty of Freaks… I hid the profile again. I think I’ve had my fill of freaks for the time being.

Published in: on January 26, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (12)  
Tags: , , , , ,

Are You IN or Are You OUT?

ANDDDD the hot and cold act continues. Once again I had a day where The Ambassador’s words were sinking in. Last night, AGAIN, he said to me… “I go back and forth on you.”

I swear to God, if I hear that one more fucking time, I’m going to blow a gasket. Do you know how that kind of thing makes a woman feel? How about “not good enough” for starters.

I’m pissed off, once again, hurt, and sorely disappointed. I am a gorgeous, successful, passionate woman.

I’m flexible and caring when with a partner. How can I be right in front of his face and he doesn’t even see it? OR doesn’t appreciate it.

I stayed away all day. He texted me but I “one word”ed him until at one point he said someone called him at work, and he thought it might have been The Sneaky Bitch, but it wasn’t. “How do you know?” I asked. He replied “I asked her.”

Great. He’s still talking to her… after everything she did. She hacked in to all his email. (BTW, men put up with this trash WAY too often. I’d NEVER let that fly. I’d go ballistic.) She even threatened to start trouble for him at work. —This was all after he broke it off with her because, from the sounds of it, she was trying to manipulate him in to getting her pregnant! (I realllly want to have another baby. Of course, I’m on the pill. Oh you don’t have to use that condom, babe… yaaa right.)

Ah well, it’s his life.

Anyway, back to my frustrations…

After ALL this time… after 8 months we have known each other… two months since we started talking again– some days it still feels like he’s got only one foot IN the door. I meant that the way it sounded too. One foot barely in the door. NOT one foot out the door, because that would mean most of him was IN. NOPE.

I’m not sure why or what’s on his mind, and I shouldn’t have to wonder. There should be NO QUESTION in my mind as to whether or not he cares about me.. or whether or not he’s in to me.

Today I had a drink in the middle of the day. It calmed me some. Nothing like feeling drunk at 3 in the afternoon. lol.

I don’t feel like talking to him. I feel like I’ve talked this thing to death. Don’t want to talk to my friends about it, because they have heard all this bullshit already. What more is there to say?

I don’t want to turn on the god damn stereo he gave me. I don’t want to see him or have anything to do with him.

Maybe it’s not a communication issue… maybe it’s a matter of energy. As Danny put it to me “the energy is off”… aint that the truth?! I don’t know if he’s not sharing, or it’s just not there.

At this point, for whatever reason, he’s just not all in. I can feel that. I’m starting to think that will never change… and/ or I just don’t want to wait around anymore. I’m tired of feeling not good enough. I’m tired of not being adored, lusted after, and chased. My head hurts. I’m tired of crying.

Looking at photos of The Young Firefighter on Facebook today. He’s madly in love. He’s engaged actually, to a girl who’s very pretty, kinda big and a raging bitch.

I’ll tell you… I met him when he was like 20 years old. I remember many times thinking about all he didn’t know (he’s 11 yrs younger than me)… but he KNOWS how to love. He knows how to open his heart and let someone in. He’s a risk taker, maybe that’s why. He’s not scared to put himself out there.

I’m happy for him…. He looks like he’s in total bliss, but I SO want that kind of love. It’s palpable. You can see it in their eyes just looking at a photo. You can feel it just being in the same room.

Then I remember it was no picnic for him either. He was staying at my house for a while. He had to come back to town to take care of some legal matters… and we talked extensively about her. She was the same way… holding off, keeping him at arms length, not letting him in. (Although she was brutal and verbally abusive about it… I didn’t call her a raging bitch for no reason)

I guess she finally surrendered, so apparently it can happen. I guess?? Idk… my heart feels achy. Maybe he does not have the ability to surrender.

I remember feeling like this with my ex-husband. All my feminine wiles did not work. It didn’t matter what I did… at the end, he was never emotionally present. Not emotionally invested at all.

Seriously, at this point he should well know. The Reluctant Monogamist and I discussed this– and she’s right. It has been ENOUGH time for him to swallow that fear or resolve whatever is getting in the way and move forward— or just stop fucking TOYING with me. This is no game of cat and mouse. My patience has run the hell out. Do you want me or not? Are you in or are you out?

With all the talking about this bullshit, I feel like I am banging my head against the wall. Even still, I realize I need to communicate some way, at some point.

I think I’m just going to fold up in to my own life, atleast for today. Keep this to myself for now… Try not to obsess. I need distraction. Maybe I’ll drink some more rum and paint my bathroom.

Published in: on January 18, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
Tags: , , , , , ,

Gimme The Goods

I have to send out a note to my readers. This involvement with The Ambassador of Ambiguity has been quite an inner struggle for me. The thing is, even with so many around me (friends and readers) thinking he is a lost cause and he’s just not that into me… I keep hanging on. Don’t think your comments don’t affect me. They do. I pay attention, but I have always been the type to go my own way.

I’m sure you all think I’m a fool for love, or just a fool, which is true some ways. Still, I ask you to please consider that you are only getting piece by piece information. You’re only recieving those items that have been sifted through the strainer and remain to nibble at my brain.

I realize I may have neglected to include all kinds of good stuff that has tumbled out of his mouth along the way… Here are just a few…
I talk about you all the time.
I talked to Ginny about you all day.
(On me being what he calls “mature”) …it’s crazy attractive.
You’re so fucking hot.
You’re all tits and ass today.
You look amazing.
I’m tired of people being seasons in my life.
I want to build a history together.
I want to hold you and talk to you.
If we wait, it’ll mean more. It’ll be more than just sex.
You are in a whole different category than any of the women I’ve ever dated. That’s why I am so adamant about this going slow thing. I badly don’t want to mess this up.
I want to grow together.
I want to get to the point where I can say “I can’t be without her.”
I want more than that. I want the whole thing… the whole life, the house, the family.

Although this going slow stuff… this going painfully, gut wrenchingly slow is brutal at times, I want to be different from all the rest. I want to be “kissed by a man who means it” (Thanks, T), and I have told The Ambassador before… If I’m not “the whole package” for you, then be on your way. Maybe he needs time to get there, or maybe he never will… For now, I’m going to hang in there, and let him lead the dance… after all, the dances I’ve been doing over the last several years haven’t worked out so well, so why not try this?

The Sultry School Teacher has been the most clear minded friend to me. Because she’s a woman, she is not restrained by an inborn need to protect me. She’s also the one who has spent absolutely the most time around The Ambassador and I together. She tells me it was never a question in her mind whether or not The Ambassador of Ambiguity cared. Seeing us together, feeling that, she knows we have something incredible… It’s just ironing out the kinks that’s hard.

I try not to get too holy roller on this blog, but the fact is, I am a spiritual woman. Sure, I am quite an unconventional christian with my tarot cards, and beliefs of past lives, etc… but I do believe.
I know God is with me on this journey. I know he sent The Ambassador in to my life for a reason. It may be that there are things that we need to learn from each other. It may be that he is the partner I have been praying for– and while he’s processing and molding during his own personal growth, I am learning to be patient, have faith and realize that not every action or reaction is directly about me. Only time will tell.

This morning he posted a link to the movie “Courageous” on his Facebook with an in depth remark culminating in “If ever given the opportunity, I will!” He’s been talking about marriage lately. Asking me what I think about with regard to that. Tears filled my eyes as I watched the trailer, and I thanked God for sending a man like that into my life. For a moment, I thought “maybe he is the one.” Just like on so many other days when I thought for a moment that maybe I should run.

I pray. I pray all the time, and I know I’m not finished here yet. There’s more I need to experience with him, and he’s too good to let go without a fight. Somethings are worth fighting for, and waiting for… (of course my fight is a slightly crazed internal struggle. lol)

Keep in mind that even though we talk about sex and dates and my naughty lace and high heel clad morning routines– My path is just as I titled this blog. I’m not looking to get laid. I’m not looking for some kind of affair, or out there like a teenage girl trying to find a boyfriend… I am searching for a soul mate.

That means learning to open my heart again after having the shit kicked out of me by love. It means re-learning all the bad habits we (The Ambassador & I) have developed in previous relationships. It means tearing down the walls that years of child abuse, addiction, toxic people and later troubled romantic relationships have built, and sharing our lives with one another… forging a true and intimate emotional connection.

I want something that is going to last. I want to look at my past relationships and do things differently this time around. Through all this, not only am I mission bound, but I am experiencing miles and miles of personal growth along the way.

So, stay with me readers. I know my growing pains can be frustrating and irritating, but it’s deep stuff. It’s raw and it’s real. We are complicated humans with fears, and scars, and lessons learned (good and bad) from every experience we’ve had.

Some of you may still be thinking I’m a fool… He’s just not that into me and I need to move on. You may be right, but I’ll know when it’s time to go. I may look back on this experience in the future and realize that I chased him when he was never fully on board, but I am willing to take that chance. I am going to walk the path God is showing me, and at some point I know I’ll find what I need.

Published in: on January 2, 2012 at 12:10 pm  Comments (6)  
Tags: , , , , , , ,