Thoughts On My Own Availability

I went by The Hunky Mechanic’s shop today to make an appointment for whatever maintenance that might be of use to my sexy Dodge Charger.  I know she is in need of a tire rotation and alignment at the very least.  I am aiming to be more congruent and to care better for the things and people I so greatly value in my life.

It was an odd thing.  I have been tossing around this task for days, maybe weeks.  I have known the Charger needed some maintenance, and now is the time to do it.  I have driven past the road to his shop time and time again, but something told me not to go in…  until today.  I’m not sure why today.  I only know that I was listening to my intuition, and timing is everything.

It was a good day to see an old boyfriend as I was primped, poured in to a short skirt, and propped up by my sultry black knee-high boots.  Generally an outfit like this makes me feel super confident and powerful, but today has been painted by emotions that surprised me.  So, today I am thoughtful.  Confident yes, but genuinely introspective.

I stepped through the door and waited for him to appear.  I didn’t feel the nervousness I have in the past.  With no chemical help at all, I was completely at peace which I believe is because I was totally detached from the outcome.  I wanted nothing from him.  I wasn’t hoping for attention.  I wasn’t thinking he’d call me at a later time…  I was simply visiting a man I shared time with, and trusted to work on my car without lying, cheating, or fucking it up.  He strolled in casually and said “Hi” with a smile.

His brownish red goatee was peppered with grey.  He looked good, but curiously older.  He also seemed comfortable and at peace.

For once he was able to say that he’s been busy and the shop is doing well.  We went on chatting and he shared what has been filling his time.  No mention of a woman.  My words were similar… work.  kids.

The Hunky Mechanic is… well, solid.  He’s steadfast.  He has the ability to commit and has done so with many things in his life, despite the fact that he has never had children.  He’s committed to his work, his group of friends, his family, his place on the board for our little town’s race track.

When The Hunky Mechanic and I were together, things were moving right along.   At three months we started to say the “I love you”s.  We shared our nights together when I didn’t have the children.  I met his parents and friends.  He met my children.  We have hot incredible sex and almost never argued.

What struck me most today is that he asked me to move towards being more of a part of his life.  He asked me to leave some things at his house…  Toothbrush, hairdryer, clothes.. whatever I wanted, but I never did.  Three or four days a week I hauled whatever I needed in an overnight bag.  We never stayed overnight at my place.  He invited me to leave some toys for the kids at his place, and even made plans to arrange his second bedroom for them to stay over with me at some point.  Honestly, it wasn’t long after that, that I bailed.

This realization nearly brought me to tears today.  After all the time with The Ambassador, hoping and praying for him to welcome me in fully, which he never did…  I thought about how I had been fully invited in to this wonderful man’s world and I ran.

I was scared.  I’ll admit that.  I was scared to mess up his tidy little world.  I was afraid to let myself be vulnerable with him.  I was scared because I didn’t know if that was what I wanted.  I didn’t know if he was what I wanted.  He’s not playful.  He doesn’t make me throw my head back and laugh.  He’s quiet and keeps his emotions and thoughts to himself.  He’s the strong silent type.

The Hunky Mechanic has traveled a little bit.  As a younger man he was a firefighter, and hot shot at that.  He traveled all over assisting other departments with enormous out of control fires… but he has never lived outside this county in all his 45 years.  Not only is that very difficult for my adventurous spirit to fathom, but does that mean I would be further stuck here?

My ex husband is the strong silent type and solid, very similar to The Hunky Mechanic— and stubborn and immovable.  I was always expected to be the one to follow him.  He was in charge of our life.  That was the unspoken agreement we had.  Well, I don’t want that.   I want a partnership.  That means both people flex for each other… not one doing all the flexing to foster the others life and dreams.  This isn’t the 1950s.

When he first told me he loved me, he said he had not said that to anyone in -seven- years.  Seven years!  That’s an incredibly long time.  It’s not like there hadn’t been women.  There had…  Even after all this time and a second try, I still don’t know why me.  Why me?

The kind of extraordinary love I seek is once where I never have to wonder “why me?”  I need someone to share his details.  To share his thoughts, fears, and his excitement.  I didn’t feel we had a soulful connection.  Although… there was an unspoken easiness between us.  There was a palpable feeling, and I saw the evidence as tears welling up in his eyes when we broke up.

The book I’m reading, “Calling in The One”, the author talks about the people in our lives being a mirror of what’s deep inside ourselves.  So—  once again I find myself turning my eyes back to me.

My mind flip-flops again, and I wonder… for all those things I wanted to know and wanted to hear from him…  Did I ask?  Did I share my own?  Did I ever tell him -why- I loved him?

I didn’t tell him I was scared.  I didn’t tell him it grated on me that he expected me not to remain friends with any ex-boyfriends.  I just attempted to live up to the expectation.

I never confessed my anger that he initially refused to go to a work Christmas party with me because I had been sharing my work frustrations with him and he was pissed at those people.  If we didn’t have a soulful connection, how much of that was me?  A relationship is a two way street.

In that situation was I the only who could not surrender?  Was I the one who couldn’t let myself get excited about this terrific man?  Or maybe it just wasn’t what I wanted.

I could have asked him “why me?”.  I’m sure he’d have answered anything I asked him.

Isn’t there an old song about that too?  “Darlin’ if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.”

Published in: on April 15, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (12)  
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Available Men Only Please

I have been grappling with this idea lately that maybe I am attracting unavailable men.  In fact, I’ve begun some personal growth work to explore just that….

Mr. Charima got right to the point when I spoke to him.  “Why do you have to figure it out?” he asked…  Then proceeded to explain that he can sense an emotionally screwed up woman within 20 minutes and when he realizes that..  He just bails.  Bam, OUT, gone.  So— why don’t I?

The School Teacher and I were talking about this very thing.   It’s gotten so complicated now… dating.  Not only are we looking for chemistry and attraction, but also whether or not your lives can fit together.  Do we live close enough to each other?  If not, will one of the partners be able to move within a reasonable amount of time.

Good luck even meeting someone in the first place, because I’d say most people in our age bracket and workin’ careers and raising kids.  We just don’t get out a lot.

Then there is the question of intimacy, only now we are all damaged goods.  Is he capable of true intimacy?  Am I open to recieve it?  It’s cooooomplicated.

Maybe I’m not a huge magnet for the emotionally unavailable.  Maybe that’s just the majority of men on the market in my age range, and I just give them more chances that I probably should…  But with alllll this, can we really find it all?  Can we find it all, and have it be so easy?  See above image.

Published in: on March 25, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (11)  
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Are You Strong Enough?

So, I woke up this morning with that split second of peace before you remember what happened the night before. Ya know, that moment before the realization hits, and swearing ensues.

You see, last night was the end for The Ambassador and me.

I had already been over the top frustrated and given him his last hail mary. I thought he wouldn’t do anything with it, but hey, I was wrong. He finally got off the ever lovin’ fence and made a decision. He bailed.

He texted me before I got off work…

Ambassador: Sorry I’m being distant. I’ve been having a lot of thoughts this weekend. I’m not being fair to you, not taking the time to tend to your feelings, and I’m sorry.

I was still pissed and I didn’t respond to him for several hours. I’m angry that we have every opportunity in the world in front of us… We have this interaction where we can do something, or do nothing and have a great time. We laugh our asses off together, and can talk for 6 hours straight without batting an eye. We’ve managed to even get through 2 1/2 months (since we’ve been talking again) “going slow” with NO SEX. Hell, we even live in the same town, and he’s just fucking it up. It’s like he’s doing it on purpose.

I may be an emotional girl, but I am very self aware. I know what I want and what I need to be happy. It’s not that tough. I’m pretty simple and low maintenance. I just want to know I’m wanted.

I’m convinced it’s not all that much to ask for… unless you are asking someone who’s– to use Danny’s (see blog roll) words “emotionally diabled”. Danny also called him an “emotional tampon”– I just like that cuz it sounds gross and I’m still mad.

He doesn’t see how rare and precious this is, or value me, and that pisses me off. Plus, I (the girl who’s all about words) don’t know what to say to him, and I HATE that feeling.

I finally did reply and we were off to the races —

Cadence: Are you? Cuz you just keep shutting me out.

Ambassador: Yes, I’m sorry, because I’m afraid to lose our friendship if I let you in. I don’t think we will have the relationship you want. And I am wasting your time in this area. I know you aren’t stupid and you can see this. I’m not pushing this relationship because I have what I want from it. Some one to talk and dream with, to share times. I know this is not what you want to hear, but it isn’t the easiest to explain. So yes I’m sorry.

Now that I read it over… I could have taken this a number of different ways, but last night it hit me like a slap in the face.

Cadence: Well, thanks for toying with me for such a long fucking time and wow — you have SO little respect for me that you didn’t even say that to my face. I’m so incredibly angry with you right now. The gate will be unlocked tomorrow, if you could please pick up your bbq while I am at work.

(on a side note: I think I earned some personal growth points here… I got hella mad! I actually let him know I was mad, and I did it without being viscious. ya me.)

Ambassador: Thank you.

Cadence: Don’t thank me. What you did was so cowardly.

Ambassador: I knew it would come down to the bbq. It always does.

Cadence: Whatever that means. Stop trying to be funny. Just leave me alone for a while– I’m angry & hurt. Just let me be.

I texted the info to some friends, and thought over some really MEAN words swirling around in my head but I did NOT say them. That’s not me.

A glass of wine, a few random tears, and a hefty dose of Prime Time TV then I crawled in to bed.

When I woke up, and the realization set in.. My heart sank, but I am not one to wallow– I opened Plenty of Fish to poke around………… And low and behold… what do I see??? Not only has The Ambassador been online today, but he has revamped his ENTIRE profile– to include new pictures. I just rolled my eyes. He redid his entire profile BEFORE 5am!

Lately things always seem to look different in the light of day… I now see that could have been an attempt at talking things out, breaking the silence, letting me know what’s been on his mind but all I saw was “friendship” and “I don’t think we’ll have the kind of relationship you want” and “I’m wasting your time.” It’s very possible that I disregarded all the rest of it.

See– that’s why a person should NOT do this sort of thing via text message. NOT TO MENTION, The Ambassador lives SO close to my house, I can pretty much see his place from my front window. Text message? Really? Who does that?

Even still, these are not the answers my heart needs. I needed to know that I was what he wanted.. where he wanted to be.

For more info on this ultra female phenominon, check out 2. on Pensive’s blog post

Ahhhh, whatever… emotionally bankrupt, defunct, and out of order!

Guess I’m still a little mad. I think this guy has no tolerance for intimacy, and if he can’t even find the courage to walk around the corner and talk to me, then maybe he’s not strong enough to be my man.

(a note to my readers and friends… time to ratchet the blog back down to 3 days a week)

Published in: on January 23, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (11)  
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