Things That Give Me **Pause**

inner struggleSome of the things that gave me pause after reading my girlfriends Big Fat Christian Love Story was… First of all…  First and foremost…  what if it works?!!  *gasp*  Do I really want to get married again?  Truthfully, folks, I’m slightly terrified at the thought of it.

I think maybe that’s a bridge I’ll have to cross when I come to it.  Not only am I growing, healing and changing everyday but maybe I can’t know how I’ll feel once I am in that relationship.  I know how I want to feel… but maybe it’s just one of those things where you’ll know it when you see it.. or feel it in this case.

Next, I’ve always heard the phrase “you wouldn’t drive a car without test driving it first, would you?”  To marry someone without EVER having slept with that person seriously freaks me out.  Now, it wouldn’t be such a big deal if it were someone who I had previously played with but otherwise… errrr… ummm..  I don’t know about that.

Even my mother said “Take my advice, Dear…  NEVER wait til you’re married.”  lol…  Moms aren’t supposed to say that!

Next up… if “divorce is not an option”, then doesn’t that give someone kind of free license to walk all over you and treat you like crap?  Or ignore you and your needs or wants or requests, thinking “ahh, she’ll never leave.”  I hate that idea because there are a ton of things we can’t control in this life, like other people, but I can control me.  I may not be able to persuade him to stop drinking or gambling us in to the poor house, but I can choose to leave.  Now I’m supposed to give that up?  Just put up with anything he throws my way?

I have read some guy bloggers that talk about the three As.  The three As are the only time a divorce should be considered… They are abuse, addiction, and adultery.  I can’t quite get on board with that either though.  I think couples can work through anything (those things too) if there are two willing partners… but what isn’t willing?

What if one partner refuses to try to improve things?  What if you are miserable and he just doesn’t give a rat’s ass?  What if there is complete neglect?  Is that a form of abuse?  What if it feels like you live with a stranger because she’s a work-a-holic?  Does that count as an addiction?

What if she’s shopping you in to bankruptcy and homelessness?  What if she just keeps doing it, no matter how many cards you cut up or check books you take away?  You can’t chain her up in the basement.  What are you supposed to do?  What if it’s been going on for a decade and the shop-a-holic refuses to even discuss the issue?  After all, why should she?  You’ve already told her “divorce is not an option” so she just figures you’ll never leave anyway!

So, lets say we would count that as a shopping addiction…  Shopping is an addiction now?  Then where do we draw the line?  Welcome to my internal struggle.

*Sigh*  I guess maybe that’s part of trusting God… fully surrendering.   Hmmm..  maybe it’s not God I don’t trust though… it’s men.  Ooooh, that sounded bad but it is part of the therapy stuff I’m working through right now.  Wish me luck, blogger friends…. because I have a feeling that once I work through this particular area in therapy, I’ll have the answers to the questions here as well.

Published in: on December 9, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (4)  
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Playdate Sabotage– My Ex’s New Girlfriend

As I have mentioned in the past, I live in a very small town. SO small, in fact, that it is often said that in this town, you don’t lose your girlfriend, you just lose your turn. We also call dating “The Dating Shuffle”, because there are so few single people… We tend to just shuffle through the deck. Kind of yucky and Jerry Springer… but that’s how it’s done around here, I guess.

My ex-husband seems to have a complete inability to date anyone that I have never met or don’t have to see on a regular basis. It’s been five years, and in that time it’s happened time and time again. (Incidentally, I have managed to never date anyone he knows, sees on a regular basis, or is in the same line of work)
Recently, after a stretch of being single, I started to get the impression that he had met someone. He has being less irritated and not hassling me about every-frickin’-thing.

Also, after my kiddos came back from Disneyland with him they told me a story about how the TSA (security idiots at the airports) took away a snow globe he had bought as a Valentine’s Day present for “someone”. Hmmmmmm. They told me the story time and time again, as I’m sure they were all revved up at their Dad having blasted the TSA. lol

After said return from the happiest place on earth, my son was invited to go bowling with a friend from school. It’s not a buddy that I ever really hear him talking about, and soon he mentioned the boy’s last name and I realized I knew his mother.
Over a decade ago when my ex and I moved to this wasteland, I had worked with her. I liked her actually. She was a young single Mom and seemed to be the only one at my place of employment that was down to earth. I worked at a bank admin center, and all the women had been born there, grew up there, maybe left for a couple years for college, then returned to live here until they died. Ugh! NOT my kinda people really, and they did not like me. I wasn’t in the clique, I suppose. Not that I gave a shit.

Anyway, this gal was a struggling single Mom, driving a huge old car that was probably 20 years old. She was friendly and quick to laugh. I liked her… and she was the -only- one I liked.
Not long after our short time working together, she married a cop who worked for the same agency as my ex and I bumped in to her from time to time. At one point she was even a Facebook friend.
Later, she did childcare in her home and we almost put our kids with her. We ended up finding another option though. So, when my son’s father let me know she had invited our boy to go bowling, of course I had no problem with that.

He did, however, repeatedly ask me if she needed to pick him up. “No” I told him “I think I’ll take our girl bowling at the same time. We’ll just go to the other end of the bowling alley, so we don’t bother on them.” After sending the same response to his question like three different times, he finally got the picture.

I walked in to the bowling alley completely surprised. There are new owners and that day it wasn’t the deserted ghost town I was used to seeing. In fact, it was packed. No lanes for my daughter and I— but one would be opening up in a few minutes. It was right next to the boys.

“Cool, I’ll take it.” I said.

We got shoes and I suited up the kids. I was waiting for The Sultry School Teacher to join us, when an interesting conversation ensued.

The other Mom started chatting with my daughter saying “How was disneyland? I heard you went on California Screamin’ like 10 times! I even saw pictures.” SCREEEEEECHING BRAKES…

My stomach dropped and my heart sped up. Are you fucking kidding me? Am I on a playdate with my ex’s new girlfriend?? I know he’s not an active Facebook user, so I’m sure she didn’t see the pictures there. But wait a minute… She’s married to one of his employees. He’s her husband’s boss. What is he doing even talking to her?

Thank God The Sultry School Teacher arrived, so I could spew out some of the thoughts that were overrunning my conscious mind.
I continued to chat with the suspected new girlfriend, thinking it was just a fluke. My suspicions must be wrong, she’s married. Until I mentioned my daughter’s upcoming birthday.

“On my boy’s last birthday we tried to do the party together, but it was just too uncomfortable… so we went back to doing them separately.” I said.

“I bet!” she replied “I’m going through a divorce right now and I can’t imagine being around his family.”

I looked over at The Sultry School Teacher, who rolled her eyes. Then I excused myself. I ran to the bathroom to attempt to stop the impending panic attack I felt coming on. While in the restroom, I remembered she used to be a Facebook friend so I attempted to stalk her profile. NOPE, unfriended at some point. Hmmm. No surprise there.

After some breathing and logical self talk… What does it matter? It’s been FIVE YEARS and I certainly don’t want him. Of course, he could have given me a heads up. Ha! Ya right, that’d NEVER happen. Exhale… breathe breathe breathe.

I makes no sense at all why this would be bothering me at all… but it was. It reaaaally was. Weird. Figured I’d come to terms with all that junk after having to see his last girlfriend every single day when I dropped off my kids at school. Apparently not.

Biiig breath, and I headed out to rejoin the party. And a party it was…. Next she mentioned that she’d be making the cake for my daughter’s party at her Dad’s. After that, I was totally convinced. Yep. She’d done everything except out right tell me she’s schtooping my ex.

I also found out that not long after she and her husband split, her husband started sleeping with the girl that had been her best friend since they were like 10 years old (shuffle shuffle shuffle)
She found out because the girl stopped talking to her, started hanging out with him— AND her kids caught them kissing. Later, her kids even saw the girl in his bed. I can only imagine how incredibly angry she must have been.

I asked her if she’d confronted aformentioned former friend. She said she had and it wasn’t pretty. I shivered. Fuuuuck that. I don’t want to be on either end of that brawl.

Then I realized, as angry as she was at her ex– she had done him one better. She’s fucking his boss!

Shocking. Aren’t those guys supposed to stick together? Maybe not a good idea to piss off the guys that are supposed to back you up. Then I remembered my ex had lost pretty much all his loyalty to people years before we split… Not so shocked anymore.

A few days later… Ding! I get a text, and who should it be? My ex’s new girlfriend! How nice of him to give her my number so she can once again arrange to pick up my child. :-/

She’s gonna regret that. I remember when the last girlfriend was trying to be all helpful with the kids. I think girls take pity on single Dads… or underestimate them thinking they need help with their kids. The last girlfriend did the helping with the kids thing for a while, and it gradually became more and more often, until she finally put a stop to it. See, if you are willing to “help” my ex, he’ll take full advantage of it. Ah well, she’ll learn that on her own.

Truth be told, I actually like this New GF. She is authentic and genuine. I’m sure if she were pissed at me, she’d let me know it. I respect that. The last girlfriend, while always pleasant to me even when I was blasting her, or mean mugging her… She was just fakey fake plastic. The New Girlfriend is not.

I’m also thinking maybe this one will stick around. She’s gorgeous, in a natural way. Blond, fairly tall, slender… super flat tummy (& after 4 kids!)… Nice size rack. She’s warm, good with the kids, closer to his age than the last one…. and she’s got fire in her belly. My ex appreciates that….. obviously, he married me. lol. Plus, she’s in the middle of a divorce. When I met my ex, I was in the middle of divorcing my first husband and I remember he was wonderful to me.

He might even marry her. :-O He’s said many many times that he’ll never get married again, but I’ve got to tell ya… My intuition is telling me something here. It’s screaming at me, in fact, and surprisingly that really makes me smile. I’m off to call The Gypsy Woman and see what she has to say about it!

Published in: on March 6, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (8)  
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A Single Mom’s December

I have to rage a little bit here. It is December and for a single Mom (like me anyway) that means scraping together every penny to pay for your heating… keeping your kids warm, while also trying to keep them fed AND praying I’ll be able to give them maybe one or two items off their list for Santa.

It’s not the funnest time of year. I do everything I can to make it wonderous… put up my decorations and dole out the hot chocolate with special snow man shaped marshmallows. I even managed to take my kiddos to breakfast with Santa because it was only $3 per person. BUT, the financial stresses are almost more than I can bear.

I have a decent job and if I manage things well, I’m able to pay my mortgage and other bills, plus other necessities and a modest $5 a week allowance for the kids so they can learn the value of money. (AND when they get the “gimme’s” I do not have to miserably try to explain my precarious financial position to a 7 yr old. I simply say “Well, save your allowance!”)

This December has proven to be a rather brutal month though. Last month I cleaned out my measly savings account going out-of-state to see my family and photograph a cousin’s wedding.

This month, I once again had to buy firewood because I have to admit, I do NOT know the most efficient way to burn it. (I’m learning) I’ve never had to deal with wood heat on my own. As a kid, my parents took care of it and when I was married my ex was always the one that played with fire. SO, I have just been burning it all willy nilly and zipped right through half the cord I bought already. Damn it! I knew what I had wouldn’t last me the rest of the month, so I bought some more. Grrrr. There’s goes a couple hundred bucks.

Next, my lovely little puppy has decided that he will make every effort to dig up his super human power to find any clothing I value that has been left unsecured —and chew it to death— especially my panties. Damn dirty dog! So, off I go to Victoria’s Secret I go.

When I am there I discover I’ve been wearing the completely wrong size bra. WAY too small! It certainly made my day to realize I’m an entire cup size bigger than I thought, and then reality set it.

I have ZERO bras the correct size, and I am now positive that the too small torture devices I’ve been wearing are the cause of some nearly disabling back pain I had last week. Fuck! I have to buy at least one or two, and those bitches aren’t cheap.

Dropped another $100 and some bucks in Victoria’s Secret… I knew it was gonna hurt my pocket-book but a girl needs underwear!

This month, finance wise, has been truly ridiculous. I mean, I even bought a few things and had to return them on more than one occasion. Can I just say… a one income household.. such a bitch!

I have resigned my self to making gifts for my Dazzling Divorcees… and making cards too. Luckily, I’m quite crafty and trained in layout and Graphic Design so the stuff won’t look like something made in a first grade classroom.

Then this morning as I am helping my precious kiddos get dressed, what should happen but I find my son has grown out of his jeans. Son of a bitch!

I just bought him a few pair in the bigger size which have migrated to his Father’s house. See, his Dad thinks it’s all right and good to raise hell if our children get sent over in any piece of clothing that is not in perfect condition and proper fit… then send them back to me in any ill-fitting clothing he can find. See, works out great for Dad because then I end up buying all the new clothes. Pisses me off. (buuuut, my children need clothing so I do it)

The Little Man pulls off the jeans and we manage to find a pair that fits… but this experience has his my overwhelm button and nearly brought me to tears wondering –HOW AM I GOING TO GET THIS KID SOME PANTS THAT FIT? Hopefully he’s got a few to hold him over til January.

I then go to drop off my babes at their Dad’s and he finally hands over his measly $241 child support check 12 days late. I look down only to see he has written “eternal punishment” in the memo space on the check. What a greedy son of a bitch. Really???

I know men who work the same kind of job and pay ten times what he pays! It’s fine that it’s not much but can ya not be a fucking asshole about it??!!! This man constantly proves to me that I did the right thing in leaving him.

Even though the stress is just about to break me… I thank God I’m on my own. I thank God that whatever decisions I make, good or bad with my finances and my bills.. They are MINE and I don’t have to EXPLAIN to anyone. There is no man there being an asshole and making things worse.

So, I’m sitting at my desk pouring over my finances wracking my brain for a solution to make ends meet this month when finally I remember seeing a shiny little glare from my panty drawer this morning. I now realize, it’s our wedding rings.

That’s it! I’m selling the divorce rings! Not only will it get me through Christmas but I’m sure it will prove quite satisfying to sever yet another tie to that greedy bullying SOB.

Merry Frickin’ Christmas! Ha ha!!

Published in: on December 12, 2011 at 5:39 pm  Comments (11)  
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