Isolation

b&w couchI’ve been such a hermit since I had that episode and missed five weeks of work and all. Well, now I’ve got some meds managing the anxiety pretty well and I feel like I am ready to re-enter the social world…. but what to do?

I am on this stupid graveyard shift and it is SO isolating. While I’m awake and working, the rest of the world is asleep– then I sleep away all the daylight hours. When I do wake up to get ready for work, I usually message with the Duke a bit… and today was a bit rough.

We are both in lonely places and wishing we were closer, but a myriad of circumstances prevents that. Still, sometimes he paints a picture of something like laying on a blanket in his arms under a tree… and I can’t help but picture it. Unfortunately, I think this just makes things harder. It was a lonely day today.

Thank God for my dog… I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have that fuzzy little love bug following me around to snuggle with me every second I’m home.

I miss the company of a man. I miss having strong arms around me and the strength in his personality. I miss touches, hugs, caresses and kisses. I miss companionship, talking for hours on end, and sex… boy do I miss sex.

I figured out today that I have gone for more than a year in my state of voluntary celibacy. I could break the pact. If I’m so in need of the company of a man and all that, there are places I could go and people I could see…. but I’m not just looking for someone. I’m looking for THE one.

Published in: on March 21, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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Communications Resume with The Ambassador

couchWell, he’s reappeared again… The Ambassador of Ambiguity. It’s been 10 months since he moved away and are things any different? I don’t know, but I’m different. I don’t feel scared to say what I really feel anymore and I’m committed to doing that on a regular basis. I have told him I love him and miss him and I don’t think we ever should have broken up in the first place.

He still hates it down in the city and misses our little town. His best buddy is still here… and me, of course.

He’s been flirtatious and sweet… and started making plans to drive the two hours up here and take me to dinner.

The first time he tried that, it seemed like every force in the universe was trying to prevent it. Both my kids stayed home sick, my babysitter bailed, and then it started snowing.

Where I live, when it snows, there is crash after crash, there are chains required, and freeways closed. So… the deal was off.

When he did make it in to town the next week and stopped by we had a terrific visit. I was lying around on the couch with a raging headache but I was glad to see him none the less. We sat together on the couch for a while… I laid my aching head in his lap. There were tons of lingering hugs, and he fixed the stereo he gave me so long ago.

We made loose plans for the next visit, and he started talking about a wedding he is going to and the subsequent vacation days he’ll be taking.

It was a fantastic visit. I went to work smiling like the Cheshire cat. I felt like “Ahh.. he’s my guy!”

Maybe I was just high on hugs. I don’t know, but we’ve been talking nearly every day since.

He sent me his vacation days and talked about going to the coast but didn’t out right invite me. We just sort of flirted back and forth about it. So, we shall see what comes of it, if anything.

I was pretty jazzed at first, but he seems quieter since that last conversation. I’m not holding my breath. I’m doing what I can to get well, and get my own life in order and take care of my great kids.

God is going to send the one who is meant for me… Maybe it’s The Ambassador, maybe it’s not. Just moving forward and doing my best to stay positive.

Published in: on March 19, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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The Duke Has Been Deployed

deployed
It’s been about 2 and a half months now since The Duke climbed on to a military plane and flew halfway around the world for a year long deployment.

If you remember my earlier story about Duke, then you know that we met when we first joined the Marines and he was dating a friend of mine. Then he served a year in Japan where they had broken up and when he returned I went to see him. We had a pretty romantic night together, but minus the hanky panky.. Still one of the absolutely most memorable nights of my life.

Duke and I lost touch for a long time… about 15 years in fact. Then he found me on facebook and we started talking again and haven’t stopped since.

We were good friends back then and now fit back in to each other lives so naturally. We know each ohers core. We respect and care about each other and have managed to share all sorts of secrets honestly and without judgement.

We have been getting closer over this last year to year and a half… however long it has been, texting often and talking on the phone. We poured out our hearts and our tears and all our frustrations with daily life, as well as trying to balance our careers, and relationships.

In so many ways, he’s just what a man should be. Strong and passionate, romantic and protective and he’s crazy about me.

So, all this would be very exciting except that The Duke is married. I’ve been hearing since day one how things are miserable and terrible and awful at home but he hasn’t left her, has he?

We have been messaging pretty much every day and feeling as close as ever… In fact, today the conversation really turned romantic and I had to put the brakes on.

He wants to make a pact that when he returns from deployment, if I am not with anyone and he and the wife break up, we’ll be together. I am hesitant to make any kind of pact. I don’t want to be a factor in anyone’s marriage breaking up. A divorce is such a nightmare. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and I have talked to the Duke about this. I don’t think he realizes how much he’s giving up. Not just financially but also in not having his every days with his son anymore.

Still, I have love for this man and have for a long time. We were always close friends, anytime we’ve been in each other’s lives but we are talking about a family here.

I do believe that sometimes a marriage becomes so bad, and one partner refuses to try to make the marriage any better– the only option left is to go your own way.

Still, once again, I don’t want to be a factor in that situation at all. If it all happened that way, of course I would give it a go with The Duke… but even that has it’s risks. I mean, even though we have been close emotionally, there are so many things he doesn’t know about me… Like I’m messy and really a homebody– while he is not. He has such a BIG life with his career and his non-profit organization and publicity events. My life is simple and small.

I don’t know that our lifestyles are compatible, not to mention I am not leaving this really small town, so he’d have to come here and there is no work. Of course he’ll be retired then with a decent pention, but his ex-wife would be drawing half of that, not to mention half of the rest of his assets.

Just things bouncing around in my head. For now that plan is to just keep talking… being friends… and to keep praying.

Published in: on March 14, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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Oh So Rugged!

Rugged... like this guy I stole off pintrest!

Rugged… like this guy I stole off pintrest!

Although my current state of mental, physical, psychological chaos leaves me with zero desire to be dating or anything… I do miss men. Big burly rugged men.

From the sidelines where I sit, I am witnessing the awe inspiring strength God put in to men. I don’t think I ever realized before how rugged they really are. They guy from my church that came by to bring me some wood (married dude) grew up in South Lake Tahoe. He was swinging an ax around like it’s made of plastic… whipping up kindling and flinging large arm fulls of oak in to my wood shed.

Wood is a very manly thing… and a common thing up here in the mountains where I live. We have loggers, men who work at factories, tow cars out of giant snow storms, repair power lines in raging blizzards, hunt and kill animals for fun, climb on horses and hike in to the wilderness to search and rescue people, even volunteer for local fire departments… lol. Think about all the crazy rough neck type jobs men do… work oil riggs and fishing boats… all kinds of crazy dangerous stuff. They are just rugged. God made them that way. Very different from me… from women, and yet meant to be together.

Another guy from church stopped by my place this week to help me fix a broken window. (married) He’s a retired road cop. Spent 20 years rescuing stranded motorists, or victims of traffic collisions… pulling people out of the snow banks. Believe it, folks– they do more than just write tickets. Now he’s talking about going back to logging as a second career. wow.

Also,I must say, he was 50 something and in his church clothes, he seemed to blend in to the pavement, but when he arrived at my house in his ‘work clothes’… 5 o’clock shadow, carharts jacket and logger boots looking oh so rugged, rough and ready… I definately took a second look, I won’t lie. (no worries though, still celibate. 9 months now. Anyway, I re-iterate, he’s married) Just sayin’ — Rugged = Doable, for sure.

I’m just in awe. Not only am I realizing how NOT rugged I am, (and that’s ok) but I am watching and thinking about how much I miss having that kind of strong, simple, rugged hero type in my life.

Published in: on January 8, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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Things That Give Me **Pause**

inner struggleSome of the things that gave me pause after reading my girlfriends Big Fat Christian Love Story was… First of all…  First and foremost…  what if it works?!!  *gasp*  Do I really want to get married again?  Truthfully, folks, I’m slightly terrified at the thought of it.

I think maybe that’s a bridge I’ll have to cross when I come to it.  Not only am I growing, healing and changing everyday but maybe I can’t know how I’ll feel once I am in that relationship.  I know how I want to feel… but maybe it’s just one of those things where you’ll know it when you see it.. or feel it in this case.

Next, I’ve always heard the phrase “you wouldn’t drive a car without test driving it first, would you?”  To marry someone without EVER having slept with that person seriously freaks me out.  Now, it wouldn’t be such a big deal if it were someone who I had previously played with but otherwise… errrr… ummm..  I don’t know about that.

Even my mother said “Take my advice, Dear…  NEVER wait til you’re married.”  lol…  Moms aren’t supposed to say that!

Next up… if “divorce is not an option”, then doesn’t that give someone kind of free license to walk all over you and treat you like crap?  Or ignore you and your needs or wants or requests, thinking “ahh, she’ll never leave.”  I hate that idea because there are a ton of things we can’t control in this life, like other people, but I can control me.  I may not be able to persuade him to stop drinking or gambling us in to the poor house, but I can choose to leave.  Now I’m supposed to give that up?  Just put up with anything he throws my way?

I have read some guy bloggers that talk about the three As.  The three As are the only time a divorce should be considered… They are abuse, addiction, and adultery.  I can’t quite get on board with that either though.  I think couples can work through anything (those things too) if there are two willing partners… but what isn’t willing?

What if one partner refuses to try to improve things?  What if you are miserable and he just doesn’t give a rat’s ass?  What if there is complete neglect?  Is that a form of abuse?  What if it feels like you live with a stranger because she’s a work-a-holic?  Does that count as an addiction?

What if she’s shopping you in to bankruptcy and homelessness?  What if she just keeps doing it, no matter how many cards you cut up or check books you take away?  You can’t chain her up in the basement.  What are you supposed to do?  What if it’s been going on for a decade and the shop-a-holic refuses to even discuss the issue?  After all, why should she?  You’ve already told her “divorce is not an option” so she just figures you’ll never leave anyway!

So, lets say we would count that as a shopping addiction…  Shopping is an addiction now?  Then where do we draw the line?  Welcome to my internal struggle.

*Sigh*  I guess maybe that’s part of trusting God… fully surrendering.   Hmmm..  maybe it’s not God I don’t trust though… it’s men.  Ooooh, that sounded bad but it is part of the therapy stuff I’m working through right now.  Wish me luck, blogger friends…. because I have a feeling that once I work through this particular area in therapy, I’ll have the answers to the questions here as well.

Published in: on December 9, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (4)  
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Stalled on Relationship Road

excuses, excuses

excuses, excuses

Ok, peeps…  My apologies for this late published post.  It’s the first time in a very, very long time that I’ve not posted on schedule.  Three times a week.. Tues, Thurs, Sun 9am.  Usually, I have posts lined up to publish, sometimes 6 weeks ahead.  Not today though.

Lately, I’ve been working through a lot of really intense feelings about men, women and relationships.  I’ve been working through a lot of hurts left over from my divorce and childhood…  Daddy issues, divorce and abandonment issues…  BIG stuff.  Well, I keep getting part way through a particular defining moment and then sidetracked and derailed…   then comes the procrastination.

This pattern seems to be happening in several areas of my life.  For instance, the house work.  I’ve been putting it off a bit, but then I’ll work on it some but never get fully caught up.  Stalled, until it feels chaotic and a bit overwhelming.

I find that I’ve got so much to worry about these days… with the winter weather, and holidays coming and all.  It’s a lot for a single Mom to manage.  Remember last year?  https://search4asoulmate.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/a-single-moms-december/

Especially with children expecting the magic of Santa.  That’s a lot of pressure on a single mom!  Today I joked with my shift partners that I shoulda broke the news to the kids all at once—  “Kids, we’re leaving your father…  and by the way there’s no Santa!”

I can’t help thinking it’s all related.  I feel like I’ve got pregnancy brain… so many things to worry about that my sponge is full and things are getting forgotten.  AND it’s a vicious cycle, because the more I forget, the more stressed I feel, the more I forget… etc etc.

I think that’s why I’ve procrastinated the dang blog posts until I eventually just ran out of time.  With all these overwhelming issues, I feel stalled on relationship road.  In more ways than one.  I haven’t had a date in like 6 months… haven’t even been asked out on a date in all that time either.  *rolls eyes*  Talk about stalled.

I’m choosing it though.  I chose to take myself off the market, hunker down and do this therapy stuff.  I have to remind myself some time.  I guess I’m also choosing when I procrastinate or leave chores half-finished too.

Anyways….  There’s all my excuses for missing my own deadline.  lol.   Catch you Sunday!

Published in: on December 6, 2012 at 4:32 pm  Comments (2)  
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A Big Fat Christian Love Story

As I’ve been growing and growing and growing like crazy in my spiritual walk, I have decided I want to do the whole relationship thing a totally different way this time.  I want to do it God’s way… whatever that means.

For all my life I have watched people trying to do the dating, relationship and marriage thing the way the world does it…  and fail miserably at it, myself included.  In the people I know and love, I see more failing than succeeding.

So, I set about trying to figure out what that means.  I searched the bible and read and read about marriage and sex before marriage and all kinds of stuff related to that.  I found that often when I was googling questions I saw the same scripture verse recycled over and over again, interpreted to mean what they wanted it to mean.  I saw people with blog posts who were WAY too conservative to align with my beliefs.  I read a few that cause me to choke on my coffee and exclaim “that’s just ridiculous!” out loud.

In trying to settle my thoughts and beliefs on this issue, I realized…  I had no idea what a “christian” love story even looks like.. for me, I mean.  I’m no 20 year old girl raised by super holy rollers.  That I can visualize, but I am a 35 year old double divorcee!

The way our culture does relationships…  dating, sex, relationship, live together, engagement, marriage…  That I can picture.  I’ve seen it happen a thousand times over, but what is the alternative?

I asked a few people and didn’t get much help, although my girlfriend The Pastor’s Wife did offer a valuable tidbit.  “It has to be a Christian” she said… and boy is she right, because no one else is going to want to do this.  lol.

So far, what I do know is I want to remain celibate until marriage, and no living together in between.  These two things alone are pretty scary to me.  I realize it is shrinking my dating pool down significantly, but I don’t want to date a lot of people… just the right one.

Next thing you know I see a christian divorcee girlfriend of mine post on Facebook that she is getting remarried.  I trust her and she and I have been through a lot.  I’ve known her for years.  I’ve known her as my customer, my bank teller, my co-worker, my employee, my friend.  We have talked through marriage, emotional abuse, custody issues, leaving your husband, moving out-of-state.  I even gave her a shining reference for her new job in a new state after she chose to leave.

Since we had been through all this… I decided I could spray her with questions and not feel badly about it at all.

Her reply to me was this…

-Is he a christian? Yes he is. Though a new Christian. He has jumped right in and is volunteering and is there every time the doors are open.

-How did you meet him? I met him on an online dating site. Do I recommend? No.. but it does happen.

-Is there an age difference? I am 32 he is 35

-How long have you been together? 5 months. Crazy huh? But, we just knew it was meant to be! Plus we are older and know what we are looking for. It was each other!!

-At what point did you realize this was really working out and actually headed for marriage? About 2 months into it. He was really hesitant to even get with me and be in a relationship. Once he committed it flew from there.

-How did he propose? We just decided to get married. No one really proposed. We just knew we were meant to be together for the rest of our lives.

-Does this situation feel differently than the first time around? in what way?

-How do you know this time is going to be different from the first time? (this question always comes back to me when I think about getting married again one day. How on earth will I know I’m not signing up for the same kind of heartbreak and problems I had last time?)

I prayed one day “God I just want someone who fits in my life. I am a single mom that is very busy. I work a lot, I’m active in the boys school life, I’m active in church, I have no time for a relationship. If I am ever going to get married he has to fit.” I had no area of my life I wanted to cut out or slow down. So it was going to have to be a God thing for it to work. He came around and just “fit”. He was willing and even excited to be apart of the things I was doing.

When he met my family, he was the first guy since my ex-husband my family had met, they thought.. wow this must be serious… and I wasn’t even sure it was going to be at this point. But, they fell in love with him.

The next weekend I met his family, His mom has never liked anyone he brought home, she fell in love with me and told him “she is the best thing that has ever happened to you, don’t mess it up or hurt her” and we have been one super close family ever since.

Both our families LOVE each other.. my boys ADORE him.. Cadence, God found my missing puzzle piece.. and it was him. He just “fits”.

-How do I know it’s different? Because it’s God not me.. I don’t know what the future holds. I just know divorce is not an option. I am going to work harder and be a wife to him as if I’m doing it until the Lord. My attitude is different, my beliefs are different and my approach is different. The only way Brian and I will make it for the next 10000 years, is to put Jesus first. Period!

When I finally surrendered all hurts, jealousy, pain, bitterness, and most of all unforgiveness, of myself and others, God did a miracle in me. He gave me a new heart. A heart that feels, that cries, that is merciful, soft, and has grace. I have emotions I’ve never had before. I don’t have walls or a hard anything about me anymore. I am vulnerable and I love it. I have no problem saying “wow that really hurt”. I don’t have to be tough anymore. When someone hurts me I cry.. I tell them.. then I pray. I’m not a jerk anymore.

It’s too exhausting to keep yourself locked up and out of hurts reach. God has really shown me what it is like to be human.. and I love it. He shows me people through his eyes and it is amazing how different people are than how they portray themselves.

Soooo…  that’s it.  My girl’s big fat christian love story.  I can picture it now.  I was also struck because it sounds like she has gone through a lot of the same healing that I’ve been going through.  I understand getting my emotions back, and the crying… Oh, so much crying over the past few months!

Much to think about though.  A few of the things in her reply kind of gave me pause..  more to come!

Published in: on December 4, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (1)  
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Wedding Bells for Captain Amazing

Making plans, looking at rings…  He’s really doing it.  Captain Amazing is going to tie the knot with his Mz. Perfect.

When I texted the news to The Ambassador, he said “I thought they broke up”…  Well, they did.  Then got back together, then broke up then back together.  *sigh*  Well, you know what they say–   never give up on someone you can’t stop thinking about.

They were together for quite some time in the town they both grew up in.  They grew up in the same kind of atmosphere.. close families, affluent families.  They are both very active, very athletic.  Capt. Amazing told me he’ll never find anyone who’s a better match for her than him.

On that last point, to tell you the truth, I’m skeptical.  I’m not a big fan of Mz. Perfect but I see why he loves her.  Still, Capt. Amazing and I have been having some very serious, very deep conversations about this huge life decision.  He is absolutely one of the closest friends I’ve ever had throughout my life.  I love him and I know he is a responsible human… capable, bright, intelligent, talented… but I also love him enough to ask the hard questions.

I wish, when I was making big, life altering choices someone would have asked me “are you sure?”  I wish someone would have drawn me out and invited me to process my thoughts with them.

I was so happy to be able to have this conversation with him without obsessing over how I was saying it or whether I should say anything.  I just said it, but I know my friendship with Capt. Amazing is definitely a safe one.  I was proud of that…  I think it’s a sign of my growth.

I also found that Capt. Amazing’s news was bringing up some questions of my own that I wrestle with…

For instance, he and Mz. Perfect will not be having a wedding… no extravagant affair… in fact, almost no affair at all.  Since, it’s not the first marriage for either of them, they plan to go to the courthouse and get ‘er done.

My own issues with this bubbled to the surface.  “It’s a big deal,” I said “it should feel like a big deal.”  So, how do you create that sort of feeling, but without 200 guests and many many dollars spent on flowers, and invitations, and all the like?

They are also planning to get married within a month of the time they become officially engaged.  Now, he has known this woman for about 2 years, so…  In that case, as long as you have known each other a long enough time, how long should an engagement last?

Is it true that…  We are older now.  We know what we want…  so there’s no need to wait so long?

I’m not asking for cultural norms here or anything.  I just find myself thinking “how do I feel about that?”  What is my stance on that kind of situation, if it were me?

Maybe it doesn’t matter.  Maybe it’s different for every couple, but frankly, I’m a little surprised that I’m not really sure how I feel about it.  Hmmm….

Above all, mighty congratulations to the happy couple.  🙂  Love and luck!

-Cadence

Published in: on December 2, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (2)  
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It’s My Birthday, damn it, and I’ll Cry If I Want To…

At 5:15 am I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor opening the box my Mom has sent me, and all the brightly wrapped gifts inside, while crying my eyes out.  I can’t help but think of how things were on this very day last year.

I had just returned from a fabulous visit with my family out-of-state.  I had my best girlfriend living next door, Capt. Amazing only an hours drive away, and The Ambassador holding my hand.  That’s all changed now, and I had some sadness wash over me about it.

At about the very same moment though, it also occurred to me that even though I had these incredible people SO close by, I wasn’t able to fully enjoy them.  Last year at the time my anxiety & panic were merciless.  They were chasing me down all the time.   It was interfering in my life every single day.

During the trip I had just returned from, I met up with an old friend of mine.  She was my total BFF in junior high school.  It was great being with her but I was very pre-occupied with my anxiety.  I had to insist on driving my own car to dinner.  I worried about the restaurant we went to, and we spent most of the rest of the time at my hotel.  I was terrified that I’d have a panic attack.  My anxiety was already at a higher level, since I was out of my normal routine and environment.  It could have been so much better.

On my birthday last year The Ambassador and I made plans with Capt. Amazing and Mz. Perfect to go rolling skating in the city…  I was really excited.  I love to roller skate, and so does The Ambassador but we had never gone together.  It was going to be a total blast!

I jumped out of bed super excited.  I knew I was living a rare shining moment… falling in love, having my closest friends near by and having had a chance to see my far away family twice that year!  I was just ecstatic and reveling in the joy.

I called The Ambassador and said “Get out of bed!  You’ve got to take me to breakfast.  It’s my birthday!”  We went, we ate, and as usual we totally laughed our asses off.  After lingering over breakfast for some time, I headed home.  That’s when it seemed all the anxiety of the upcoming social event HIT me.  I was crazy anxious, and that combined with the steak and eggs completely F-ed up my stomach.  I had to cancel the roller skating.

Then I stayed at home hiding the rest of the day hiding and feeling sick.  I am SO glad… SO thankful that I am healing.

I am missing my peeps very much today… all of them, but especially The Ambassador of Ambiguity.  The feelings about him seem to be more intense than those related to anyone else in my life… whether it be happy or sad.    I had been really trucking along well feeling more and more content about the whole thing, but today feels a little different.

I do realize I have SO so much to be thankful for.  Great job I love, beautiful house, fantastic healthy kids.  I also have many terrific people in my life but it feels like I have spent SUCH a long time chasing the elusive emotional intimacy.  6 years single, plus I had been chasing it for a few years before that as my marriage crumbled before my eyes.

Even when I have gotten my hands on some emotional intimacy (in a friendship, or romantic scenario), it is fleeting.  Just as I get it in my grip, it disappears again.  No permanence at all.

I totally understand the value of living near your extended family.  Out here hundreds of miles away from them, it is a constant struggle to maintain any emotional intimacy with anyone.  And because people seem to float in and out of my life so often these days, I feel like I have no real history with anyone.

Now, I must say… I have, by far THE most amazing family of anyone I have ever met, and I know some totally incredible people but I need face to face people in my personal life.  I feel a bit like a spoiled child… like I am complaining but I’ve got everything.  Everything except someone to love.  BUT, facts are facts, and I am wired that way.

*Sigh*  God knows this about me.  I’m sure things are going to get better, but I have to get through this healing time.  I’m sure when I look back on it, it will feel like a short season of solitude but for the moment… it kinda stinks.

A firm spanking might could turn this whole day around though! lol

Published in: on November 22, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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Out of the Blue

I closed a door to the past today

I was puttering around the house, with my ear buds in.  Cleaning up and such, when I looked up to see my little chiweenie looking out the window and barking.  I realized someone was at the door, even though I hadn’t heard the knocking with music blaring in my head.

I popped out the ear buds and swung open the door.  There stood The Stalkerish Ex-Boyfriend.  I was shocked.  He lives two states away.  “What are you doing here?” I demanded sternly.

He started to stumble over his words saying he wasn’t going to do this but he was driving by the house, and blah blah blah.  He looked at his toes, probably sorry he’d come… and he should have been.  He had not been invited.  It was just another way he steps over my boundaries and then says he couldn’t help himself.  That kind of behavior is what has earned him The Stalkerish moniker.

He apologized a few times, and we had some words.  I said “I’m sorry but no matter how many times I say it, you just don’t hear me and I don’t want that in my life.  The last time we spoke you took some very personal things I had told you and spit them back at me in anger.”  He started to speak but I cut him off, “and don’t say you don’t remember because that would just make it worse.  It was something SO hurtful and traumatic for me and to think you don’t even remember…” I shook my head as my words trailed off.  He apologized again.

Then a thought of Jesus flashed in my mind and I decided I didn’t want to be unkind.  I’m not that person and I fully believe God sends people across our paths for a reason.  He was standing out in the cold.  I know he’s no danger to me so I unlocked the hefty metal gate between us and let him in.

I told him I was feeling anxious and so I was going to stand.  He sat at the dining table.  We had some conversation…  He said people are leaving his life left and right.  He doesn’t want to be an old man all alone with no friends or family.  He showed me a picture of the girl he’s been dating since June and said “I’m screwing it up.”

I took one look at the photo and wasn’t sure whether or not to believe him.  She wasn’t the type of girl I’d ever seen him date before.  She was kind of mousey, I guess.  I told him it looked like something was going on there… they did NOT look cosy in the photo.

He said he’s having the same problems in that relationship that he did with me.  He spent a whole lot of time saying other people have problems… blaming the situations on them but he’s starting to realize, it’s him.

I nodded.  “Yep.  You’re the only constant in all those situations.   People like us, who grew up the way with did with all the abuse and neglect…  We NEED therapy.  We need it if we’re going to stop screwing up all our relationships.  We have to pull out all that old crap we don’t want to look at, and re-examine it so we can let go of it.  It’s painful, but more than anybody we need to do it.”

“But there’s so much stuff… I mean, where do you even start?” he asked.

“You pray.  God will direct your paths, if you let him.  You find a counselor and you tell him what you just told me.  He’ll know where to go from there.  My guy has been doing this for 30 years.  Thirty years, he’s worked with thousands of people and he’s been trained.  He’ll know where to go from there.”

We talked for a while and I found some wise words leaping from my lips. I told him about my own therapy experiences.  Not just now, but in the past too.  I have had counselors who were idiots, and didn’t understand me at all but sure thought they did.  (eye roll) I’ve also had good therapy experiences, but then bailed when it started to get hard.  I had to finally get to a point where I fully committed and said “I’m gonna do whatever it takes to get all the way through this… and see it through… to completion.”

There was some self disclosure but I was very careful about what I shared with him.  I certainly have no desire to throw my pearls to pigs.

He asked what it was that led me to finally cut him out of my life completely.  I was very honest with him but there was kindness and compassion behind my words.  I believe in the truth, but not brutal truth.  Brutal is never good.

I told him I have seen him chase down drama and conflict and I don’t want that in my life.  I told him I know understand why his sister, who has had much therapy, freezes out anyone who brings chaos and unpleasantness in to her life.

I also said, I want to live a life with no secrets, and no weird emotional undercurrents.  I think he was still holding out hope that we would get back together, even though I have been extremely clear with him.  It’s not going to happen.  I can’t be with someone who fights and unfairly at that.  It’s traumatic for me.  When it comes to fight or flight, I’d rather be with someone who withdraws so as not to hurt his partner.

Still, as many times as I have told him, even though he knew I was crazy in love with The Ambassador, he was still hanging on to it.  People have commented on it after seeing his comments on my Facebook… even The Ambassador once said “that guy’s in love with you.”

He tried to deny it and said “You saw what I wrote.  I was Mr. Neutral.”

I just said “Well… sometimes what we’re feeling sneaks out, even if we don’t want it to.”

I also told him I was having a hard time believing a word he said, because he had repeatedly promised to respect my boundaries and never has.

“Look,” I said, “those behaviors are driven by something deep down inside… and until you fix what’s down inside you are just forcing the behaviors.  You can only do that so long before you return to what comes natural.”

He was still trying his old tricks.  Trying to get sympathy by talking about his medical issues.  Trying to blame the behavior on the pain medication he’s taking.  Attempting to guilt me by saying “I understand if you never want to talk to me for the rest of your life.”  Nothing worked, and I called him out on it.  “And quit trying to guilt me with that,” I said.  He laughed.

In the end, I told him “Don’t contact me — at all.”

“I won’t” he said.  I just stared at him.  “I won’t, I promise.”

“We’ll see” I replied.  If he does contact me again, I’ll just ignore the text messages, emails, phone calls… whatever.  It’s what I’ve been doing for the last 5 months or so.

I’ve really been sticking to my guns, which, it turns out has really hit home for him.  It’s a huge part of what now has him looking very seriously at therapy….  who knows if he’ll actually do it though.  He seemed to have plenty of excuses which he rattled off while I rolled my eyes.

That’s up to him.  He can decide to live his life however he wants… but I did feel we got some closure.  I closed the book on that situation.

Maybe that’s the deal with people showing up at my door these days…  God’s sending closure right to my doorstep.  🙂

Published in: on November 11, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (1)  
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