The Gambler

“I think you’re a bit of a gambler” said my therapist, with a mischevious gleam in his eye.

I nodded my head with a sly grin…  I am not afraid to take a risk in life or in love, in fact I had risked myself right in to a frenzy the last few years, and stacked up one “loss” after another.

The second he made his remarks, that old Kenny Roger’s song started playing in my head.  I’m sure you’ve all heard it but here’s what it boils down to in one line “Now every gambler knows the secret to survivin’ is knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep.”

“Well, I guess I’m learning when to hold em, and when to fold em” I replied.

Later that day, as I turned it over in my head, I was bowled over by his metaphor.  He’s absolutely right.  The Game is life…  I’m not going to stop playing and just opt out of life or love and melt in to the background of this anonymous small town, so I guess I am The Gambler BUT like the song says “If you’re gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right”.

I have been playing the game but staying too long with things that don’t work for me… negative self talk, hanging on to old baggage, staying in relationships that won’t work, sometimes without even pausing long enough to ask myself “is this really what I want in my life?”.   The therapist got me when I was finally “out of aces” and now I’m learning to play it right.

When The Stalkerish Ex-boyfriend appeared on my door step yesterday…  I talked to him for a few minutes but at the end I was very clear.  “Don’t contact me.”  Don’t want the drama.  Don’t want the conflict.  I have no use for people in the world that just don’t hear me, no matter how many times I say it.  No matter how many times I lay down a boundary, they step over it.  No thanks… you can go.

I’m being very aware of what I’m letting IN to my life and what I am letting go of…  like a bunch of negative self talk, guilt, shame, hurts and old labels, bad behaviors that just don’t work for me and old ways of thinking.  You’ve got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em…  and I’m learning fast.

Published in: on November 13, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (2)  
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Bball in the Dark

We played night time basketball. As The Ambassador really wants to have more dates and more adventures together, I set up a basketball adventure.

It went really well… aside from it being as cold as a witches tit outside. First we went by the YMCA and even though it was 45 minutes til closing, there were a ton of sweaty dudes on the courts. We didn’t want to play with other people so we left. He was all jazzed. Amped up just to be out of the house together, I think.

We drove over to some basketball courts in the dark, and parked my car with the lights on to shine on the pavement. The fence was unlocked but it still felt like we were being naughty.

Shooting hoops in the dark when you can barely see the rim proved to be it’s own type of adventure. Nearly everytime he passed the ball to me, I squealed. I could hear the ball coming but it was so dark I couldn’t see it. I did manage to put a few up though, and was surprised my lay-up hadn’t gotten rusty. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve played any basketball.

I showed him up tossing up a bunch of 2 pointers. Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! He’s no super athlete either, so I wasn’t humiliated. lol. He chased me around, grabbed me around the waist… even made a rapid humping motion from behind em at one point. I was laughing like crazy. He always makes me laugh.

We talked, we tossed, we laughed. We went by the grocery store to get some food since I hadn’t eaten all day. He was big on the holding hands. It felt a little odd to me, honestly. The Collector’s theory is that PDA is an ownership kind of a thing. I don’t know…. it wierds me out since it still kind of feels like he’s got one foot in and we have had no sexy time.

At one point he told me he’d read his horoscope for 2012 and it said this might be the year he marries, etc. He also said he was really stoked because he really wants the marriage.

This sent my mind in to turning over what I’d said to him about not being married again being ok with me. It also had me wondering. You see, The Ambassador has never been married and has no kids. I don’t want to get in to a space where I am just what I offer. I’m a responsible woman who makes a home. I realize he wants a marriage, home and family very much… Let’s just say, I hope I NEVER have to consider a marriage proposal from anyone that makes me wonder WHY he’s asking.

If I ever get married again, it’ll be to someone that just wants to be with me. Someone who is honestly one of the best people I’ve ever met, and who can SAY the same about me. He wants to marry me because it’s ME.

I stayed at his place and it proved to be a NONsexy cuddle only sleepover again. This time, though, he was touching me. He had one hand caressing my ass most of the time. He was touching me lightly and looking at me. Kissing me, although still not a really passionate kiss.

At one point I said something about it and he admitted “You think I don’t know I’m turning you on?” He knew. He said he was just appreciating being close with me.

*Sigh* Is it possible that I could slow my roll and be able to just appreciate that? Idk. I’m a scorpio… that may not be possible.

Published in: on January 17, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (5)  
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