Hope Resurrected

The day after my day of rage, and girl time with The Sultry School Teacher. I’m a little calmer now. I call up Mr. X, who seems more open to understanding why I am not yet ready to throw in the towel with The Ambassador, and talk him out of his head.

He was so good to work through all this with me. I try to -both sides- of every situation. Whatever is happening, there are two people there and I am no innocent party. I strive to see what my part is in it all. The value in this is that I can change ME. I have control of me. So, if I can see what I’m doing wrong… I can fix it.

I finally figured out that I needed to talk to The Ambassador. He’s a good man and certainly worth hanging on to… but have to get this communication thing figured out or it’ll wreck it.

Usually, I’m a runner. Things get tough or scary and I’m not happy… I’ll run. When The X and I were together, I did it on a regular basis. He just happens to be much more persistant than most so he could keep reeling me back in, until we both finally saw the writing on the wall. (Great friends, terrible match as lovers).

I want to change that. How will I ever have a relationship that lasts for any length of time, if I keep running. The key to NOT running away? It’s not being afraid to communicate.

Communication is hard for me. It’s brutal. I’ve been through so much, and so many situations where the other person has reacted negatively, even hurt and scarred me with his words that– I admit it, I’m scared.

Often times, I don’t want to talk about it because I’m paralyzed by fear of what he might say or do. I realized that a lack of communication is what I was so angry with The Ambassador over, when, hell, I’m no expert. I became certain that I wasn’t clear when I talked to him a few days ago.

Herein lies the personal growth that I knew I needed so much… What was being told to me in prayer and by tarot. I felt like “I get it now. I get it!”

The X helped me put some words and a non-confrontational approach together, and encourage me to do it NOW. Talk to him NOW… as soon as possible, before something happens and you two are pulled apart.

Not only would that be bad because the romance would be ruined, but also, I wouldn’t have the chance to experience the personal growth that will come with communicating my feelings to him. I hated that thought and The X made a very good point in saying “if you don’t go through this now… and experience that growth, learn what you need to– then chances are you are going to have to learn it in another relationship anyway.” And he is SO right. I’m sure if I don’t tackle this hurdle, it’ll just keep coming back around and being a problem. So… hold on tight, here we gooooooo!

I immediately texted The Sultry School Teacher and asked her to watch the kids for a couple hours. Then I messaged The Ambassador — after a few pleasantries I said “I have a few things on my mind.

Can you make time for me please?”

He was very good about it and replied promptly. He was to come by my place.

As soon as I opened the door and saw his face, felt his energy… everything felt ok. Better than ok, it felt amazing.

He was just off work and stood there smiling and eyes shining in his dress pants and white collared shirt. I let him in, hugged him and proceeded to get him fed. We chatted as I pulled some left overs out of the fridge and reheated them.

Oddly enough, he was talking about hirings at work. He was talking about his boss having hired a bunch of re-treads that have worked there before. He is generally not a fan of this practice, however… his feelings on that are changing and he said “I believe in change. I do. I believe in it. I have to… look how far I’ve come.”

That spoke right to my soul. He’s so open and willing… unlike all the men I have known. From there we moved on and he asked why my day was so bad yesterday.

“I was SO mad at you yesterday” I said, “I was SOOOOO mad. See, it felt great hanging out the night before but once I got up and started my day the next morning.. I realized I had come to you for reassurance and I got ‘I think you’re more excited about this than I am.”

He makes kind of shocked face… “Oh my God I ruined your day.” We laughed together and I told him it was like the time at work when he’d gone to his boss for reassurance and the guy just basicly said “man up!”

I went on to tell him that he is good at showing… I can see him investing in this, but I need to hear it too. I’m all about the words. I may need it more than most people, but I know myself well. I need the show and the tell, and I mean all the time.

When you said that I felt like “what… have you got -nothing- going on in there? I mean, we’ve known each other for 7 months now. I’d like to say we are atleast close friends by now, and you’ve got nothin’?”

“Oh no, I’ve got emotions” he replied. “I talk about you all the time. I knew you were mad. I talked to Ginny about you all day at work today. I go back and forth… Is she the one? When I found my book and my ipod in the mailbox, I though ‘uuuhhh ohhh’ and I just crawled in to bed and pulled the blankets over my head. See that’s what I’ll do. I’m used to losing people. I’ll just crawl in to bed and get in to a space where I tell myself ‘You deserve this. You deserve this. ‘

And I thought about my barbeque. I thought about just telling you to keep it. You were sending me a message when you left those things in my mailbox. If you would have returned my barbeque (I mentioned The Schoolteacher offered to help me drop it off with her van. I said NO.) I’d have just thought you didn’t want to talk to me anymore.”

We laughed all along the way… This was by far THE best experience I have ever had communicating with a partner. He was SO open and receptive. He was so willingly to hear me out and share also what he needed so we could get to a place where I wasn’t uncomfortable and HE wasn’t uncomfortable either.

My feelings completely flip flopped. The day before I was probably 80/20… thinking it most likely would NOT work out… He completely turned that around, and I started thinking that even more important than communication running smoothly was having such a receptive caring partner. Sharing your feelings is going to be necessary at some point in any relationship. It’s going to be scary and the only way to grow through it is to breach the subject… Go at it, and with such a willing soul on the other end, eventually it won’t be so terrifying anymore.

I was scared of how he might react and what he might say… He was scared too. He has dated some scary emotional women. They would certainly manipulate him.. shut him up by being vicisous to him. Before long he learns to just keep quiet. I have had the same kind of experiences with former partners. It sure as hell can make a person gun shy.

What it comes down to is… I’m learning him and vice versa. I’ve learned that the initial conversation on relationship topics can feel threatening to him, so he gets defensive. The second time around has proven to be recieved much better.

Also, I’ve got to be careful not to take the pull back so personally. It’s like every thing he does in life.. Full blast, pull back. I’m also learning it’s ok to go over there and pull him out of his hiding place. That feels somewhat like chasing to me (and I hate that feeling), but I can reframe that. If I look at all my relationships in life, they are all that way. Sometimes I reach out more, sometimes the other person does more of the reaching out. I’ve got to stop keeping score, and feeling like it means he doesn’t want me around.

For him… I’ve got to climb out of my safe place more often too. He knows what we are like at home. He needs to know how we are out there, in the world. Not easy, but I can do it and he’s certainly worth the effort.

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Published in: on January 12, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (5)  
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The Par-tay

So, several weeks ago The Ambassador popped out with “We should have a dinner party!”

I leaned back in my chair. I don’t need that extra expense of feeding like 10 people. Plus the hassle of worrying about how my house looks and who will come, etc. etc. PLUS, that’s a couple thing.

He offered to do all the cooking, and cleaning to prepare. Well, I took a deep breath and said yes.

He did not help with the cleaning as promised but he did buy ALL the food. He ran all over the place, even driving over an hour to pick up organic beef for the gourmet burgers.

The Ambassador came by early to prep and we got a little time to chat before the party. It was very plain to me how nervous he was but he reassured me the cooking would calm him.

He had bought a new shirt, stripey and plaid. He’s got this fantastic modern earthy style sometimes that includes baggy pants that sit low on his hips. Everytime I see him wearing this style, it makes me hold my breath. It’s the way he looked the first time I saw him.

He’s also got this country side to him, and suits up in wranglers and boots… That was the look he sported that night. His new shirt caressing his shoulders and making them look oh so broad.

I prepared to go pick my kids up from school and was thinking I was determined NOT to go in to this party UNkissed. I buttoned my coat and said I was going, then stopped and turned around. I marched right back and simply said “There’s one more thing I want before I go.”

He turned to me and we shared a first kiss standing in my kitchen with his hands full of beef. It was sweet and sort of a smatter of small kisses. Just what I would have expected. I smiled and turned away to continue my tasks for the day.

We had planned this a couple weeks before. He invited his one best friend who wouldn’t give him a straight answer as to whether or not he was coming… He did attend, with girlfriend in tow. He also invited his one friend from work who decided she would rather just stay at home on her day off.

I invited my three Dazzling Divorcees and Captain Amazing. They all came.

It turned out, that was going a little overboard. It was A LOT of peole. Didn’t seem like all that many but when you count kids and dates… It was a ton.

The party went off just fine. Everyone loved The Ambassador’s gourmet burgers… even the kids, which shocked the hell out of me. Kids usually aren’t crazy about stuff they have not tried before, but they gobbled it down. The guests had great conversation and it was really fun putting faces to names.

Now, half way through the dinner… I heard the other kids looking for my son. I got curious and got up from the table to look. I couldn’t find him either and my anxiety started to grow. I checked all the places inside the house then through my coat on to go check the garage.

On my way out the door I turned and saw him sitting on the floor, head in a basket full of clean laundry crying. I sat with him and talked to him. He was feeling left out by the other kids. Honestly, it was SO many people– it was probably overwhelming for him. It was for me. By that time my anxiety had shot up.
I was pretty much MIA for the rest of the party. My stomach was upset so I bounced between the bathroom and my son’s room comforting him and being a horrible hostess.

When things calmed and I realized what The Ambassador and The Sultry School Teacher had done, my heart swelled and I wondered just how much joy one heart could hold. They took care of everything. The Ambassador kept things going, playing host while I was gone, and comforting me when I popped up.

The two of them cleaned up all the food and all the dishes. The Sultry School Teacher, even took the dishes to her place next door to run them through the dish washer so I didn’t have to wash them by hand.

Later, talking to The Ambassador, he complimented her with vigor. “She’s such a good friend to you…” and on and on he went. Despite my absence, the party went off without a hitch.

My friends and his friends intermingled seemlessly… but what I really took away from the party was that I have been supremely overwhelmingly blessed with a guy and a girl of stellar charachter who care for me enough to be my stand ins even when I’m too stubborn to admit I need one.

Published in: on January 9, 2012 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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