Never Let Her Wonder

He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
“Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.”

Dear Men of the world,

Just a friendly reminder from you’re saucy blogosphere soul mate seeker. When you find a woman that you know has been placed in your life for a reason… One that you know is incredible and an acception to every rule… When you find a woman who will always care about you, no matter what the circumstance… NEVER but never let her wonder how you feel about her.

Heed the warning of every song that preaches “tell her about it”… Don’t shine it on. If you want this woman in your life, make SURE she knows it. Not only is it the right and healthy thing to do but it’ll keep your woman beside you.

Even the most confident, career minded, sucessful and independant woman longs to be swept away by your words. Don’t let her down. Tell her every chance you get.

Let her know you cherish her, she’s goreous, and mysterious… Let her see that you know her to be passionate, hard working and maybe even carrying around a heart two sizes too big. If she’s loyal to a fault… Tell her you so much appreciate that she always has your back.

Even if your feelings are just in the begining stages of being excited and curious, let her know it. Tell her you’re glad you met her, and your life is better with her in it.

(warning: I do NOT mean overwhelm her inappropriately early with visions of the future, or smother her with so much attention that it feels like a noose)

If she’s wondering how you feel, there will always be someone (possibly multiple someones) telling her to give up– that she’s wasting her time– and trying to take your place.

Published in: on January 24, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (13)  
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Thank You Distraction

At this point I’m getting tons of hugs and kisses. I’m getting so much talking I could bang my head against the wall, but at this point I need action. I need to see effort toward closeness versus all energy working at holding back.

I have decided I need to get busy, get distracted and let him be. I supposed if this doesn’t turn the tables, I don’t know what will. It’s like we are doing the cha-cha.. I take a couple steps back, and he comes forward. He steps back, I come forward… I don’t like this dance. I want to be able to be me, and get closer without him being so damned skittish!

No more.. I am going to just go live my life and see what he does.

Yesterday I got a text from a friend of mine. He also happens to be the Pastor at the church I go to. He wanted to let me know the church was doing pizza and roller skating with a giant crowd of some 80 people from our tiny sad town. It sounded like a blast. I’m a wanna-be roller derby babe.

I recruited The Sultry School teacher and we loaded all our little peeps in her minivan limo and we were off to the city.

The Ambassador got off work and texted me. After like one minute with no reply, he called. I just happened to have the phone in my hand at the time. I took it as a sign and picked up the call. Of course the roller rink was rockin’ and the sounds came through on his end of the phone.

“Where are you??” he asked.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I sassed.

He repeated my words in disbelief “Yes I would like to know. Unless you’re all Phill’s, then I don’t want to know.”

“Who the hell is Phill?”

“Phill, or Mike, or Dave, or Rob… ”

I laughed “I’m with the church people, at the roller rink in the city. It’s pizza and roller skating night. There’s like 80 people here from our town!”

“Do you have the kids with you?” OH, that one didn’t get past me. It was another quiz designed to help him decifer whether or not I was out hunting.

“Ya! I have the kids and The School Teacher and her kids. I got my whole posse with me.”

Haha… Thank you distraction. You don’t like it, Mr. Ambassador? You wonder? How bout you lock this shit down?

I mothered him a bit… asking if he had plenty of NyQuill and tylenol or whatever else.

Later in the night, of course, he texted me. “Good night. Thanks for taking care of me.”

I didn’t really even do anything. I was an hour’s drive away… but whatever. It was nice.

Back to business and distraction. I finally painted that bathroom.

Next I brought my kiddos out to bowl at the bowling lanes in town. I’m a horrific bowler, and even with the bumpers up I didn’t break 100 on our first game. Still, my babies had a blast, and I was turning heads. There was one guy in particular I was eyeing… Broad shoulders and enormous hands. Not freakishly enormous, just big enough for me to notice. That may be the first time I’ve checked out a dude and just looking at his –hands– made me hot.

The best thing– He had the most incredible face. More childlike than chiseled, with big brown eyes framed by wavy brown hair.

Of course, who knows… He could be some kind of angry monster or a drunk or whatever. I don’t know a thing about him, but it was nice to wonder… and leer.

I played with my kids and basked in the glow of validation. I thought about The Sultry School Teacher’s dream that we started a league team and get shirts emblazoned with “The Pink Ladies”. (Ya, that’s right… we’re awesome like that. lol)

After looking around, I judged the crowd to be the most single attractive men in our age group I’d seen anywhere in town.

I have given The Ambassador one last hail mary… Sooo tired of the hot and cold act. If he can’t show me something– some kind of appreciation, validation and/or involvement, I guess I’m off to The Pink Ladies.

Published in: on January 21, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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Surprise, Surprise

“Many of us get our emotional excercise by jumping to negative conclusions” –Leo Buscaglia

There were so many things said in the talk with The Ambassador of Ambiguity. I was looking for reassurance and he took his second chance to give me that, and ran with it.

I happy to hear that he valued me in his life enough to worry about me being upset, and talk to his friends about it. He didn’t want to lose me, and when he thought that was happening curled up with the blankets over his head.

He told me that he turned down a recent transfer opportunity for three reasons, one was me, the second his best friend who also lives here in town, and last was the crazy bitch that runs the store he was considering transfering to.

I was happy to be a part of that decision. I was the perfect mix.

It wasn’t all about me, but I was a factor and that made me happy.
He once again stated that I am unlike any of the women he has ever dated. I have my life together and I’m mature. (I guess that’s a good thing. lol) He’s always been the mature one. It seems now though that he is looking for a partner, not a project.

He told me that it’s because I am different… Essentially because he values me and this relationship, that he has been so adamant about taking things slow. “I want to grow together, to be able to say I can’t be without her.”

He did more than satisfy, even delight me with his sentiments but he surprised me too. Not only had his thoughts gone from “Do I want a relationship?” to “Is she the one?” but he surprised the hell out of me with the next question…

“Am I the marrying kind? I mean, has it crossed your mind? Have you thought about it?”

Wow, I know my eyes got BIG at that question, and I sucked in a bunch of oxygen. He went on to say that he’d been listening to Elvis Duran in The Morning on the radio and they discussed this topic. Apparently the participants said things like “within 6-12 months you should know if this is someone you would marry.”

He also talked about a couple of women that work for him who are not married. One had a makeshift ceremony and has a ring but it’s not legal, and the other has been happy and healthy with her man for 15 years.

I stumbled a little bit, and then took a breath and allowed myself to be fully open and honest. “For me, if I never get married again that would probably be ok, except that in our society they sometimes make it necessary to be married. What if one partner gets sick and can’t work and needs medical insurance? What if they won’t let you in the hospital room because you aren’t married.. you aren’t family. You have no rights to make medical decisions for that person, etc.

I’ve done the whole picket fence thing, and that’s just not important to me. What matters to me is the emotional connection. I want someone I could be happy with if we had to live in a tent… but not someone who would run his life off the rails so we actually do have to live in a tent.”

I went on to say “Are you the marrying kind? I think, for me, yes… but to be honest, this withholding communication and stuff will make me run the other way fast. We’ve got to get this figured out.”

He told me that his view on life has changed. He no longer wants to be the gypsy that says “look I can pack everything I own into a back pack and leave today.” He wants a home and a family. He wants to feel at home, and have a place he belongs.

He also went on to talk about money, and how it’s important to him to have a cushion. He doesn’t want to have a lot of unsecured debt. I told him I have just one credit card with a $300 limit. “But we’ve got years maybe,” I went on “before we have to talk about those sorts of things and when I get in a situation like that again I’m fine with keeping things separate.”

I did not elaborate on my theory on couples finance, and we moved on. Maybe I should have. Then again, I’m sure that talk will come up again later.

He also asked if I am going to retire from the agency I currently work for. I told him I love it there, and have no plans to leave at this point but who knows what will happen when the kids get older. I might want to get out of this town. There’ s a whole big world out there.

He seemed to think he knew how I felt, but I guarantee I surprised him as well. Men seem so ready to assume that we all want to get hitched, combine finances, and follow where ever they go –or the oposite and never leave our current location.

I have no interest in a man’s money. I would be perfectly happy putting a percentage of what we make in to an account for household finances… The rest of his is HIS. I don’t have to worry about what kind of toys he buys or how much he spends on what, because it’s not mine. Chances are he’ll earn more and have more to spend, but that can get worked out in who pays for romantic getaways and who buys dinner out. If we are both generous and not demanding and greedy… It’ll work out fine.

I even have one girlfriend that can’t say it enough “prenup. prenup. prenup!” and I agree. This go round, I am taking responsiblity for earning my own way, and my own retirement. I know I won’t be staying at home caring for children as was the agreement with my ex-husband, so there’s no reason not to.

Can’t wait to see where this will go from here. He dropped by last night and was not the slightlest bit withholding of his feelings, compliments and affection. (although, still no dirty details to share. boooo!)

We are growing together and mmmmm, that feels good.

Published in: on January 13, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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No Texts, No Calls, No Nada

How do I go from being so sure this is where I want to be (in with The Ambassador) to feeling like “Shit! Maybe this isn’t what I want?”

Well, I sent him some texts this morning.. A “good morning” and a “Let’s hang out tonight. Miss ur face!” with no response. With all the advanced forms of technology (which he seems to see as a distraction) and not a word from him.

I just don’t understand. We are on this whole thing consistantly communicating and stuff… Then bam.. nothing. Last time he did this, he went off with The Sneaky Bitch.

I tried to call and it rang and rang and went to voicemail. Well, I’m done. 3 strikes rule. If I try to contact a man 3 times with no response, you’re out. Ball’s in your court, Champ. Step up or step off.

More than that… I need to communicate this. I keep saying “We teach people how to treat us” (stolen from Dr. Phil) and I believe it to my core. I do not intend to make the same bullshit mistakes I made with The Collector. SO… have a fit?

I’m probably just obsessing again but then again, if The Ambassador were feeling so insecure about where he stands with me… I’d feel some responsiblity to help resolve that. Wouldn’t you? It’s part of what we do. It’s what we should do. We let our partners know how we feel so he or she can feel safe and secure in the relationship. I shouldn’t have to feel like a starving person waiting for him to throw me a crumb… a tiny clue of how he feels.

Next, as I was checking my email I came across “Kiss Me Daily” and of course, I see pictures of kisses, kisses and more kisses. That’s the kind of passion and intimacy I want. A man who can’t keep his hands off me. A man who longs to press his lips to mine. A man who sees me for the amazing woman that I am and isn’t too shy or too scared to tell me about it. A man who knows how unique, rare, and incredible mad chemistry is and wouldn’t dare risk losing it or letting it go.

Thus far, I have gotten basicly ONE kiss. ONE. Not even a long lasivious kiss, and I had to be the one to initiate it.

Why? Why does it have to start so slow? I’m begining to think this going slow bullshit is just an excuse to keep me at arms length. Is it some kind of ploy to string me along because it’s always feels good to have someone who wants you, even if you don’t want them?

Problem is, I don’t really believe that people are that calculating and cruel. If that’s the case, I’m sure The Ambassador of Ambiguity, who is SO aptly named, is not doing it intentionally.

I’m scared I’m pursuing something that maybe isn’t what I really want. The most important thing to me in a romantic relationship is emotional /verbal intimacy, and second physical closeness. If we don’t have it now, who’s to say it will ever be there? Can’t a girl get more than one “Hey Doll Face” in seven months?!!

Mr. Cool (see previous posts like Meeting Mr. Cool) is italian… He’s very italian. He kissed me at the end of our first fabulous date. He knew what he wanted. Then, he went on and on about how incredible it was. For days I got luxurious, complimentary, romantic emails about how my lips felt and the fireworks that went off for him when he touched me. How he couldn’t wait to feel my kiss again.

Neither of us were really trying to go anywhere quickly… But we were reveling in what we felt in that moment. It was natural and intoxicating. I get none of that with The Ambassador.

Although it didn’t work out with Mr. Cool, I felt more and I got more from him in the few dates we had than I have heard out of The Ambassador in the 7 months I have known him. WHY am I pursuing this?

I know myself very well, and I know I need a lot of attention. I won’t apologize for it. I want to adore and be adored. I do believe romantic relationships need tension, but this may very well break me.

I’m tired of not knowing where I stand. I’m tired of not knowing if he values what we have. I want some confirmation, and of course (like always) I want it now.

Hours later… the word “withholding” popped in to my head. I feel like he’s withholding his feelings and physical affection. Do I really want to be with someone who does that? So, does that mean he’ll do it later in the relationship when he’s upset or feeling disconnected for some reason? That would just destroy me.

And even further… Shall I get in to a relationship with another man that I have to PRY information out of? I think NOT.

Published in: on January 10, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (13)  
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Talking in Code

This playa could seriously talk some code! lol

I swear sometimes The Ambassador of Ambiguity talks in code, or operates in code… whichever is the flavor of the moment. AND it’s double extra worse if we are messaging vs. talking. This makes things painfully confusing since I have been dealing with his emotional push-pull as well.

Now, the Coupletastic blog had a great post the other day that I found helpful. It’s titled “Dating in Stages”. Here’s the link:

Although, I do feel like he’s flip flopping between stages at times.

The other day he posted something on Facebook about having someone in your life you thought you were meant to be with but that person continues to make choices that keep you on the sidelines.

What the hell does that mean??? Let me tell you, I had pretty much a 12 hour freak out on that one, since he was at work and I couldn’t reach him to ask. SO, what do I do? I call my besties and tell them about it. OVER analyze everything it could mean, and then it turned out to be nothing.

Some girl who was totally ancient history had popped up on his FB to say “hi” and he was thinking about how he would NEVER go there. He was thinking in the past he had thought they were meant to be together, but she continually proves him wrong.

Ok, so I got that out of the way. He tells me he wants to co-host a party.. Yet, I am still, as of yet, UNkissed. He tells me he’s considering trading his 2 seater Jeep in for a vehicle that will have room for “all of us”, which I assume means my kids.
The other day– for the first time– I got a text message that just said “Hello, Doll Face”. Ahhh, what a relief that was. Simple. Direct. Sweet.

Now, he sends me a message that says “I was thinking, I think the hardest thing I try to do is open up fully with others with my emotions. Speaking them is easy.”

I’m thinking… Is this some sort of explaination for the lack of kissy time? Hmmm. I just replied “I’ll keep that in mind. That’s a hell of an insight.”

Later he messages “Is that bad that I hold back a bit? I’m just used to being hurt even by family & friends. Doesn’t really matter.”

How do you answer that? I’m just not judgement that way. Is that bad? Odd question. I replied that holding back won’t stop you from getting hurt but it will stop you from living life to the fullest.

I considered following up with “Are you holding back with me? If so, STOP IT! lol” but I didn’t. I just let it ride…..

Published in: on January 5, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (4)  
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