A Heavy Day and Some Progress… I guess

Today The Sultry School Teacher is packing up her house at lightening speed.  She’s in survival mode, cleaning out her kitchen and sending me hundreds of dollars worth of groceries.  For this I am incredibly grateful but my heart is breaking.  It’s finally setting in.  In a blink, she’ll be gone.

Today, I had to tell the kids, and we cried and cried together.  I did my best to comfort them, and their tears passed for the time being.

I think one of the most comforting things I have learned in therapy is that each emotion has a begining and an end.  I have to remind myself, because it doesn’t feel that way.   When my heart is hurting it feels like it’s going to be that way forever…

Although, I logically knew what was going to happen, today I am feeling it.  I am feeling myself headed right back to being alone.

As a child, I never felt alone.  I had two sisters, and more cousins than I could count.  Our house always felt full, and despite moving so often, I never had a problem making friends.  Then I was off to the Marines where you’re stuffed in to the barracks with a hundred or so other people in your same age bracket, and your same predicament.

It was when I left the military that the lonliness began.  Ever since I moved to this area some 13 years ago, I have felt like an outsider.  There have been a few intermittent times when I have managed to gather some people around me… a make shift family… a support system… but they never lasted long.  Now, it seems I am just a few weeks from back to being alone.

I saw my therapist, and despite spending most of the hour crying and feeling sorry for myself, he said we are making progress.  For the second time today someone remarked that I looked different.  It was one of those things they couldn’t really put their finger on…  tired?   different hair style?  Nope, my body was relaxed.  Upset yes, but not pent up.

I have been walking around feeling like an open wound these days… so many emotions to work through after keeping them locked away and ignored for a long time.   Apparently it’s working.  My anxiety level was very low today, and even enroute to the therapists office–  I remained pretty well calm.

Could it be that the therapy is working?  Could it be?

Published in: on August 12, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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Next Up, Captain Amazing

Got a call from Captain Amazing today.  It’s been a grueling summer for most of my peeps, him included.  For a little while he was seeing The 21 Year old Cashier, and Ms. Perfect.  Both of them knowing about the other and everyone involved conceeding that none of them was “The One”.  So, Capt. Amazing attempted to maintain a friendship with The Cashier, going out and even on trips together.  He also continued to spend time with Ms. Perfect separately.  They hung out, went out, and sometimes crawled in to each others arms.

Well, now the spell is broken for Capt. Amazing too.  There was a falling out with The Cashier, and Ms. Perfect has moved 4 hours away to attend law school.  It’s not so bad.  He can drive up and see Ms. Perfect on the weekends for the time being…  and there has been a very positive turn of events for him.  He’s making plans to take a job with a company who wants to plant him in their New York office.  New York City in about a month.

While I am thrilled for Capt. Amazing…  I’m sure New York City is much more his speed.  He’s not fulfilled with this small town life and it sounds like an incredible job.  Still, I will miss him.

Now, he lives an hour from me in a small city just across the stateline.  I don’t see him much, especially since my stupid panic disorder has been revved up–  but we text everyday and talk about once a week.  I fully expect even this stuff to change.  It’s not as though he’ll be out of cell range or anything, but remember what I said about the person leaving having so much to do?  He’ll be building a whole new life and I know it’s crutial to have people in our lives IN PERSON.  It’s part of this wave of change I’m experiencing lately…  just one more force in the water.


Published in: on August 9, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (10)  
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