In The Days Following…

Today I was thinking about how much I’ve changed over the last year…  Specifically I was thinking about some pivotal people that God sent in to my life and I found myself unquestionably changed by them.

There was the gal that drew me back to the Lord.  We were really friends, more acquaintances, but as I got to know her better I saw that her religious background completely mirrored mine.  She’s the only one that could have done it… drew my back to the Lord.  Before her, you couldn’t drag me in to a church kicking and screaming.  God put her in my life to change me and I’m so thankful for that.  While it was happening, I didn’t realize I was changing so much… but it’s very clear to me now.

The Ambassador was also one of those pivotal people for me.  I am changed by him…  Being with someone who prays everyday, and shares my spirituality changed the way I look at relationships, and what I want out of them.

I stood at church and watched my friends… the Pastor and his wife snuggle up and pray together and I thought–  That’s what I want.   I’ve come to this place where I truly believe that the only way a relationship can survive and endure with the way the world is today is to be brought together by God.  In fact, even to be able to find each other…  to meet someone who is your match body, soul and spirit is a miracle.  It seems like there are ten thousands things that have to come together to make that happen, but it does.  It happens every day, all over the world.

The Hunky Mechanic has been messaging me.  He’s been waiting for me to come out of this reclusive funk.  He says I mean so much to him and he doesn’t want me to get away again… but I think he’s lonely.  We are two good people who have managed to find each other.  We aren’t a perfect match, but we aren’t a disaster so it makes us want to cling to the possibility…  but I want more than that.  I want that relationship that challenges me…  a man who grows with me.

Plus, the conversation I tried to have with him about spirituality did not go well, so with him I don’t see myself getting the man who will hold me and pray with me asking for God’s guidance when things seem overwhelming.  I don’t see him as the man who will take my hands when I’m shedding tears of joy and thank the Lord for all he’s given us.

It seems everything I’ve read, and every sermon I’ve heard the last couple days have shouted “Don’t Settle!”  I even came across a sermon from a popular pastor in our area… and he talked about finding someone who matches you in those three ways… body, soul, and spirit.  He said so much that made so much  sense– talking about how often people marry the wrong person and make things harder on themselves.  You can make things work with 2 out of 3 but it takes a lot of work.

He also said don’t run around trying to make something happen, just rest and let the Lord bring that person in to your life.  He said when it’s right you’ll know… it won’t take loads of prayer to figure it out.  I agree and that’s what I’m going to do…  continue waiting on the Lord.  Now to have a talk with The Mechanic.

Published in: on July 15, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (8)  
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Let The Happiness Begin!

I have been floating in this in between space lately…  Still healing from the loss but not hurting as much.  I have been thinking about my life, and have decided I need to be challenged.  Right now, working graveyards in the slowest call center in the state, the most difficult part of my job is staying awake.  So, I’ve been praying, reading the bible, reading romance novel fluff and looking for the next big thing.  Isn’t a loss so much easier to bear when you’ve got something you can throw yourself in to?

I’ve been looking for a writing class, or a seminar to attend, even maybe a painting class, or photography, but every single thing I’ve found has either been too expensive or had a serious conflict with my work schedule.  Not to mention, nothing really felt right.  So, I’ve been just floating in this in between space.

I’ve been avoiding working on the book I started with Captain Amazing because I just have to admit…  It’s no fun writing someone else’s stories.  I’ve been writing for the blog, but it turns out writing can be like exercise.  If you do the exact same work out every day, at some point you will plateau and that work out won’t have the same effect that it once had.  Captain Amazing explained this to me, and he was right.  He didn’t care what I wrote, but was convinced if I wrote something new or different, it would light me up.

As I was looking, or rather waiting for inspiration on the next big thing, I remembered a novel I had started writing and had furiously scribbled notes on.  I dug through my craft room and finally found the binder with all my notes and other writing in it.  I dove in to writing the book, and I got through the first chapter plus a blow by blow outline for the entire book.

Still, it wasn’t quite right.

I started noticing people popping up and coming by the house.  I love that God will put people in my path even when I don’t feel like reaching out…  At one point, Mr. Cool dropped by.  We had a fabulous time talking about his work (he’s a real estate broker), while my kids relaxed with a movie.  I felt appreciated, connected, and reminded of how I want to be regarded by a man.

Mr. Cool got married last fall but we have remained friends.  We have terrific chemistry.  He’s got a terrific personality that I really enjoy.  So, over the course of conversation he started talking about the residential side of his business and wanting to find a charming single mother to work it.  He prefers commercial side of the business.

Well, Mr. Cool did not miss my eyes lighting up as he started to talk about it.  I have always enjoyed real estate.  I can see the beauty and benefit in all different types of homes.  I love how exciting it is to buy a new home, and the challenge of trying to get your home just right so it will sell quickly.  I also loved working in sales before I changed careers.  I often thought about taking my sales skills to a higher level, and real estate seemed like it would be a natural fit.

“But you already have a full time job” he said.  A yes, but I explained…  I worked 12 hour shifts smashed in to three days a week… especially when the kids are in school, I have time.  “Ok.  If you want to do it, get your license.  It’s really easy.  You can do it online.”

He went on to talk about how he’d been trained to respond to so many different types of situations.  He’s incredibly confident, studied like crazy, and was trained by masters.  Before moving to our podunk county, Mr. Cool had a shining career in bay area commercial real estate.  So successful, in fact, that he managed to put work on hold for some 10 years while he moved to his ranch and raised his kids in a small town.

The next morning I woke up with a heart full of joy.  I googled information on getting a California Real Esate Agent’s license and guess what…  It’s $150 (I can totally swing that next payday), and an online course so it won’t interfere with my work and kids schedule.  AWESOME.  That’s it!  That’s the next big thing!

I’m completely stoked and determined to follow through.  The next few days I woke up with the same overflowing joy.  I felt as though I had smiled all night long.  I know this joy is a product of so many things…  I started counting my blessings, writing at least 20 lines every day.  I have been praying and reading the word.  I’ve been taking my time in my emotional growth, and thinking about what’s really important to me and what kind of life I want to live…  but this new adventure seemed to be the catalyst that just flipped my switch!

Published in: on July 10, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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A Few Messages and A Dog

Call it intuition, or call it dumb luck but after I published that last post saying “maybe today will be the day he contact me”, The Ambassador actually did touch base.

He sent a simple email in response to my birthday wishes.  It was sort of odd though, it started out saying “I thought you were through with me.”  I just rolled my eyes at that.  I think he feels guilty.  He knows what he did was messed up and expects me to hate him.

I don’t hate anyone.  I stand by what I said in that letter a few weeks ago.  I love him, but if he’s going to come back around he needs to come correct.  Plus, I’m no hypocrite.  All the things he’s done, I’ve done them to someone else at some point too, and worse.

I sent a simple reply, then he forwarded me an email with some Harley riding philosopher’s social commentary on it.  I didn’t even read it but I did look at the list of recipients.  There were three girls on the list in addition to me.  I shook my head and deleted it without replying.  I have to admit, that pissed me off.

I thought about it for a while.  I’m really not someone who has a problem with friends of the opposite sex, after all  Captain Amazing is one of my absolute closest friend.  We talk every day.  I’m not really a jealous person either, so why was it bothering me?

I don’t like to be one of the crowd, for one.  Don’t lump me in with other girls!  I also don’t like to be treated like an option.  If you ever find yourself looking at people like options, instead of people (and I’ve done it), let me warn you… It’ll come back to bite you.  I guarantee.  People can sense that kind of thing.  I also realized he was probably “talking” to those girls when we were together.

I remember at one point he suddenly up and deleted his Facebook.  I thought it was a little odd, but sometimes The Ambassador does things that just don’t make much sense.  When I asked him why, he just said he had better things to do–  like loving me.  It didn’t take him long to re-activate it though.  Made no difference to me either way.  I had no reason not to trust him.

Oooh, now the whole damn thing makes sense!  I can’t say I’m happy about it, but it just tells me a little something about The Ambassador of Ambiguity.  I think he has a little trouble leading his heart, instead of running after the next shiny thing on a whim.  *sigh*

He texted me a few days after that with a picture of dog.  He adopted himself a dog who he absolutely loves.  I’m surprised The Ambassador went so long without a furry friend.  He’s great with dogs.  My little chiweenie loved him so much that whenever The Ambassador interacted with him he’d get so excited that he’d pee a little!

The Ambassador of Ambiguity is a big fan of The American Pit Bull, and the under dog.  He’s rescued several abused pits and nursed them back to health.  There were two in particular that he told me about.  He poured his heart and soul in to these dogs as well as his time and his money, and was absolutely destroyed at the tragic end to each dog’s life.  I’m sure those events contributed to his “everything I love, I lose” mentality.  I think after burying two in a row, his heart just needed a break.

I replied with congratulations.  It’s good The Ambassador got another dog.  He committed to another soul, even if it is hairy and walking on four legs.  He opened his heart, and did it when he was led to… He had planned to buy a home before getting another dog, but one day he was drawn to the shelter and just happened to find the happiest looking pit bull on the planet.

Well, that’s good for him to be moving in a positive direction.   Can’t say it really means anything in my world though.  I’m not even sure why he told me, to tell you the truth.  It’s a far cry from the “Come to Jesus moment” it would require for me to get excited about him again.  As I puttered around the house that day, I thought to myself…  “Good for you, dude…  Have a nice life.”

Published in: on July 8, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (13)  
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Days of Significance

I was laughing yesterday.  Seems like it’s been an eternity since I’ve laughed like that.  Seems so odd to me, I’m definitely someone who laughs very easily.  HA, so much so that there are times when every else in the room just stares in my direction.  Bitches can’t keep up.  lol.

So, this is good.  I’m starting to come out of the dark cloudy place I was in.  My anger is fading, and the longing doesn’t sting as much.  It seems my friends wish I’d stay angry at him forever.   They would love to junk punch him at this point, after all he’s put me through…  but that’s not me.  I appreciate being slow to anger and quick to forgive.  I just have to make sure I’m actually working through the hurts, instead of pushing them to the side and ignoring them.

I felt my emotions turn a corner and start to improve after the most recent days of significance.  I still hadn’t heard from The Ambassador, but I knew that his vacation days were ending.  He was staring down his first day in the new store, in the job he promoted in to.  The day after that was his birthday (35 years old), and the very next day the anniversary of his sobriety (6 years).

He was heavy on my mind and I wanted to let him know I still love him…  despite his stupid and inconsiderate actions as of late.  I thought about sending balloons.  That’s what I did for him last year and it’s a fun memory.

I decided against it though, for a bunch of reasons.  First, I still have some lingering anger.  Next, it kind of felt like me chasing him again, and I won’t do that.  He knows how to reach me.  Also,  I don’t know what’s going on in his world and didn’t want to embarrass him or give him something to have to explain on his second day on the job.

When it came down to it, I sent him an email just saying I knew the next three days were important and wanted him to know I was thinking of him.  Good luck, Happy Birthday, and Congrats.

I struggled for a couple days thinking maybe he didn’t get the email.  Did he think I was still angry at him?  Wondering if he had changed his phone number since he moved.  Teetering on the edge of calling him, but I didn’t.

I stood firm and things got easier after that.  Ya know, I realize he was scared but as The Sultry School Teacher pointed out, I did everything I could to make our relationship a safe place.  He needs time to get his head and his heart right if anything ever were to happen with us again…

Plus, he seemed to work pretty hard to get away from me this last time, so fine, I’ll let him.  He knows where I am and how to reach me.  He can find me if he wants to.  He did the last time he went off with another girl.  He had lost my phone number, but he knows where I live and even appeared at one of my regular haunts.

I’m still sad.  I still miss him every single day, but I’m determined not to go back to the way things were.  If he can’t appreciate me, and what we have–  decide to hang on to it instead of continuing to run away, then he can stay gone.

I still feel like I’m waiting for him to come to his senses, even though logically I know that very well may never happen.  My heart is catching up though.  My heart is starting to warm up to the realization that whatever happens..  It’ll be ok.  God is going to give me what I need in life and in love.  Finally, my heart is starting to catch up.

Published in: on July 3, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (19)  
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Holding On Is a Part of Letting Go

The title is a line my therapist has told me many times and I completely believe it.   How many of you over the course of a break up have pulled out old photos and spread them out on the floor perusing?  It’s a part of letting go.

At this point I don’t know what’s going to happen with The Ambassador but I know he’s all over my life.  I can’t get away from him.  The coffee table I love that stands in the  center of my living room… from the day we went garage saling together.  He haggled them down from $15 to $5 and then bought it for me and awkwardly carried it out to his truck.

The garage sale bench we bought together, again while garage saling.  His buddy, The Goofy Musician, was in tow and we played and bickered like brother and sister as we drove around our small town.  I remember how surprised he was to see that I had painted up the bench and put it in a great place near my front door, under a coat rack he hung–   as if it had lived there forever.

I was sorting my recycling and found the two wine bottles from Valentine’s day.  I go to bible study and we read from the book of his first name, then his middle name…  Even “Desperado” playing on the radio as I drove in to work today..

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?

You been out ridin’ fences for  so long now

Oh, you’re a hard one but I know that you got your  reasons

These things that are pleasin’ you can hurt you somehow

Don’t  you draw the queen of diamonds boy

She’ll beat you if she’s able

You know  the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine  things

Have been laid upon your table

But you only want the ones that you  can’t get

Desperado, oh you ain’t gettin’ no younger

Your pain and  your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home

And  freedom, oh freedom, well that’s just some people talkin’

Your prison is  walkin’ through this world all alone

Don’t your feet get cold in the  winter time?

The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine

It’s hard to tell  the night time from the day

You’re losin’ all your highs and lows

Ain’t it  funny how the feelin’ goes away?

Desperado, why don’t you come to your  senses?

Come down from your fences, open the gate

It may be rainin’ but  there’s a rainbow above you

You better let somebody love you

(Let somebody  love you)

You better let somebody love you before it’s too late

He’s just all over my life, but I guess if you’re looking at it that way, then I’m all over his too.  Every time he pulls out that sleeping bag we snuggled under that last time on the tail gate of his truck.  Every time he sees a Rom Com.   Whenever he pours a cup of coffee in to that mug, or comes across the bible I bought him and had his name printed on.

I don’t know what will happen there but I know that at some point, I will meet a man who is open and honest with me.  We’ll share laughter, and dreams, and spirituality.  Things will roll along naturally and maybe we’ll even get married.  Who knows?

I’m tired of being sad all the time.  This past weekend I went in to an all out project frenzy.  My children and I volunteered building dog houses at the local doggie rescue ranch.  Then we came home and they played while I put together my pool and the trampoline all by myself.

I was all charged up on a girl power high!  “We don’t need a man to put some stuff together!” I cheered at The Sultry School Teacher, as she walked in seeing me putting the finishing touches on the trampoline.  I was almost giddy… of course, maybe that had something to do with the neighbor’s marijuana smoke wafting over the fence.  Am I actually feeling better, or is it just a contact high?  lol.

I also realized while putting the trampoline together that the last time it was up, The Young Firefighter was the one who put it together.  It was a little wonky and we thought maybe the company hadn’t sent all the correct parts… Nope!  Turns out he had put it together wrong!  He was probably drunk while he did it, so that explains it.

Boy, I was beat after that very long, very hot day.  Still, happy and smiling again.

Published in: on July 1, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (5)  
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Advice Unsolicited and Unwanted

As I have been struggling through this break up, and my therapy–  It feels like people in my life are heaping advice on me that I never asked for.  I think sometimes they do it because your in so much pain, it’s uncomfortable for them to watch or listen to… or because they care about you, or maybe even because they have some stake in the game.

Drinking wine with the girls the other night The Sweet Tri-athlete was globbing it on.  She was rotating between several different types of advice like an oscillating sprinkler.  She was telling me things like “Do you really want to be with someone who can’t drink?”  She was referring to The Ambassador being a recovered alcoholic.  I explained that I didn’t care, and if need be I would quite drinking all together.  Makes no difference to me.  It’s such trivial thing compared to the connection we share.

Then she went on to say “If he wants to see you again, maybe just enjoy him for what he can give.”  I hate to admit it but The Sweet Tri-Athlete tends to be a constant advocate for not having boundaries.

Nope, no bueno.  Did that trash for a year already.  I’m not going to continue to let him toy with me… come around, go away, come back, drift away again, without me standing up for myself and letting him know what I will and will not accept.  She just kept on going… ping ponging around all over the place with her well-meaning “advice.”  The Sultry School Teacher could see me steaming.

I was just thinking “Dude, leave me alone about it.  I’m working through it the best I can.  I wasn’t asking for your freaking inconsistent advice, so just let it drop.  Damn!”  Of course, I didn’t say this to her.  I was just patient and loving.  I know she cares about me and she’s just trying to help ease the pain however she can.

Then, I was on the phone with the C-O a few days later.  He wants to meet up in person.  He lives some 3 1/2 hours away.  I’d drive one hour to the city to meet him, and he’d drive the rest of the way.  The thing is though, I could feel myself hemming and hawing about it.

I was feeling all non-committal and finally spilled the beans as to why…  I’m dealing with this break up with The Ambassador and it’s been much harder than I thought.  It’s going to take time.   I’m just not ready to move in to something new yet.  Despite the fact that the C-O and I have been texting and getting to know each other, I don’t even want to meet anyone new.  I just want to wrap myself up in my God, my life, my friends & family.

The C-O launched in to an entire lecture about how I should just move on and forget about it.  “Don’t be manipulated” he said, and on and on he went.  I corrected him a few times and tried to explain how I was feeling.  It was to no avail.  Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to be honest about your feelings.  It was like he just wanted me to erase it from my memory.

I told him I’m working through it, and the therapist has told me “holding on is a part of letting go” but The C-O disagreed.  “I don’t think so” he said, “I think it’s harmful.”  He works in the psych unit at the prison and with therapists every day and said he doesn’t think much of them.

“Well, I understand that they are just people too but he is one of the most brilliant men I’ve ever known.  So I think I’ll go with the therapist on this one.  He’s spent almost his entire life studying human behavior so maybe he has something to offer.” I told him.

Still, he pressed on telling me how I need to judge people on their actions, not just their words… blah, blah, blah.  I finally said “Look pal, I have lived a life.   I’m not clueless.  I know how to operate my own life.  I am working through this the way I think is best, and I’m sorry if you don’t like that but that’s the way it is.”  And I got off the phone.

I took a couple of days thinking about the conversation.  I wasn’t angry at what he’d said.  It told me a lot about how he sees the world, but it felt controlling to me.  He was obviously frustrated I wouldn’t just do what he wanted.

After 2 days I texted him.  We had a fairly short conversation and I ended up telling him it wasn’t fair for me to go in to this thing half-hearted.  He deserves to meet someone with an open heart, who’ll get excited about him.  I’m just not there right now.

It just didn’t feel right to me, and in truth I didn’t want to go all the way to the city to meet him.  It just wasn’t there for me.  I tend to think that sort of thing is always mutual, but sometimes one person just doesn’t want to see it.  For whatever reason, they have a drive to hang on to it anyway.

He was not happy and  haven’t heard from him since.  That’s fine with me.  Really, the only emotions I have about it are relief.   I knew he wasn’t the right one.  I could feel it, and now it was finally resolved.

Captain Amazing and The Sultry School Teacher have their own opinions too, but they are more understanding.  They’re both pissed at The Ambassador, but Captain Amazing understands because he’s been there with the 21 year old cashier.

The Sultry School Teacher doesn’t understand but she respects my feelings.  I was quite surprised the other day at how self righteous she was in talking about the situation.  “I guess I need to screw up more so I can be more understanding,” she said, “I’ve never treated someone like that.”

I’m sure that’s true as The School Teacher doesn’t have the kind of screwed up background The Ambassador and I have.   Plus she’s hella smart, clear minded and funny.   I totally love her..  Still, I would imagine it would be very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who sports that kind of sanctimonious attitude.   It would be a hard line to live up to.  She’s not very forgiving either.  Once she’s lost respect for someone, that’s IT, Dude,  it’s done.

I think she’s just in that space right now in her healing process.  I’m sure I’ve gone down the self-righteousness path too at some point.  I know I’ve heard my ex-husband say he can’t do anything right.

I’m glad I’ve gotten past that.  The School Teacher and I were chatting the other day, and she said “Sometimes I just want to say ‘how can you be in love with him after everything he put you through?!'”  I just cocked my head and thought…  Well, I don’t love that way.

I don’t love someone because of their accomplishments, or how few mistakes he makes.  I love his heart, and when he makes mistakes I think… Hey, I’ve made mistakes too.  I do it all the time.  I’m totally unperfect.  As long as I can maintain a balance between loving him no matter what, and also not allowing him to step on me, then I’ve got it made.

With all the advice coming my way…  I’m sorry but I just have to go my own way.  I’ll do what I think is right in getting over this break up, and that’s all there is to it.

I hid away in my house for several weeks…  not reaching out to the outside world, even with my writing.  In fact, it took some conversations with a special reader friend to get me going again…  but I’m going again.  At this point, I still miss him but I’m tired of feeling sad all the time.  I’m ready to get going again.

It’s a little lonely in my life right now.  I don’t look forward to days and especially nights off work without the kids.  Those are the most lonely…  Luckily, they are few and far between.  I guess I’ll continue on my project frenzy–  getting things done around the house…  Keeping busy.  Keeping my mind off things.

Next project is to build a table from this gorgeous old door I have, paint wonderfully crackled and chipping away, and some gorgeous detailed table legs that I picked up some where along the way.  I love architectural salvage, and trash to treasure projects.  So much character in there…  So, people… I’m creativity bound!

Published in: on June 28, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (8)  
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THE Worst Day

I have been just wandering through life with a tornado of thoughts and emotions inside my body.  I know The Ambassador is leaving soon, and I feel like I have just been waiting for that day to come.  I have been a total recluse staying hidden inside my safe place…  inside my house, desperately not wanting to run in to him again out in town.

Considering what he’s been doing, and that the ex-girlfriend he’s been “reminiscing” with lives down south near the city he’s moving to–  I figured he’d be gone the minute they cut him loose.  Maybe then I’d feel better, and more able to crawl out from under my rock.

I’ve been diving in to the church stuff, which is comforting.  I’ve been letting my feelings rain, which has kept the peace that I prayed for in my heart.  Still there have been many many tears.

I’ve been going through a bunch of emotions.  Fear that he won’t come back again.  Sadness that he’s chosen another.  Concern that he seems to be going right back to his old life, where he was when he was drinking and so desperately did not want to live.  He’s going back to the same area, which he’s described as “full of triggers” and even to the same girl.

She’s married, by the way.  You see, she was with The Ambassador but when he had to move up here for his promotion–  she refused to move with him because her family was down there.  They teetered back and forth and eventually did a final split.

At that time she got back together with her physically abusive baby daddy and up and moved clear out of state 10 times farther away.  So much for being overly concerned about staying close to her family.

She married the violent felon and had another child with him.  That would make 3 they have together.  Well, after 5 years they are on the rocks again, and she’s back in his hometown.

This is no big shock to me.  That’s the kind of life The Ambassador and I came from, grew up in.  It takes time to realize that sort of thing is not normal, healthy or ok.  I’m also not surprised because she is the type woman he’s always dated.  Terrible to him, manipulative and verbally abusive, always trying to fight with him.

He was in the hospital and critically ill at one point during their relationship, and I remember asking him once “Where the hell was she???”  I don’t even remember what he said.  It doesn’t matter.  She wasn’t there.  At times I feel completely baffled at how he could choose to leave what we have and go back to that train wreck of a life.

I know these type of women have filled his life…  He told me countless times that I’m different.  I think that’s a little tough for him sometimes.  Even though it’s better, healthier, happier… it feels foriegn.  Still, I have no regrets of being different from all the rest.

I prayed my heart out that the Lord would protect him from losing his sobriety.  I prayed like crazy that the Lord would help him lead his heart.

His last day of work came and went, and yet I still didn’t feel any better.  I missed him terribly but am still gnashing my teeth over the whole situation.  Him breaking up with me for no good reason, continuing to romance me, then posting crap on Facebook that hurt me… and just generally for choosing not to be in my life.

Friday came and although I had been making progress toward feeling better…  that day I just woke up with a feeling of malaise.  I didn’t know why, but I could barely drag my ass off the couch.  I did manage to get myself dressed and attempt to plug in my ear buds and go for a walk, thinking I badly needed the endorphins.

I stepped out my front door and started walking in the oposite direction of where he lived, but before long I found myself heading toward his street and crossing a road about a block away from there.  I looked over…  I needed to see, I guess.  I caught just a glimpse of his back, shirtless in his favorite jeans and boots heading in to his apartment…  and the moving truck.

I crossed quickly and took the road a block down, tears streaming down my face like a waterfall and grateful to be wearing sunglasses to hide them maybe a little bit.

I headed home quickly, the vision of the uhaul burned in my brain.  I stormed in to my house and cried like someone was reaching in to my body and ripping out my soul.  I have -never- cried over a relationship like I cried that day.  I sat for what felt like an eternity, alone in my house wailing and crying–  rocking back and forth wracked with sobs, having to remind myself to breathe.  It was pure raw emotion rushing out of my body like hurricane strength winds.

From the moment I heard he was moving, I knew the day the truck rolled out of town would be THE worst day and I was right.  The air was filled with sadness, anger, resentment, mourning, and profound loss.  I was in complete despair.

You would think his being such an ass lately would have made things easier to see him go… at least The Sultry School Teacher did, but it wasn’t true.  It just made things so much worse.  If he could have just been honest and open with me, things would have been so much easier on my heart and soul.  Even if he didn’t want to be together, if he could have honored what we had and said goodbye, it would have been easier.  BUT instead, of course, he made it in to this huge complicated thing.  It’s just like him too.  Fucking complicated!!

After a few hours of being a total emotional basket case, I managed to pull myself together and go pick up my children.  I suddenly had a strong drive to leave the house…  get out of there, and take my kids to dinner or a movie… just anything not to be in the house.

I grabbed them from school, and stopped back by the house to pick something up.  As I was standing in my kitchen, I heard a truck and looked up to see The Ambassador’s U-haul sail past my huge front window.  No tears.  At that point I was all cried out.

I tipped my head and thought about the narrow side street I lived on.  There’s no possible reason for him to drive down my street except to say goodbye.

Captain Amazing wasn’t impressed by this, insisting that was no way to go about things.  For me, however, it was a romantic gesture.  True, it could have been handled better all the way around but at least I knew he didn’t pack up that truck and drive on with out one thought of me.

Published in: on June 26, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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Yet Another Facebook Fiasco

I touched base with The Ambassador…  I hadn’t heard from him much and the going away present I ordered online for him finally arrive.  I shot him a text in an attempt to kind of get an idea where his head was at.  I knew he’d gotten my email but had not replied.  I figured it had freaked him out.  I swear sometimes that man is like a frightened alley cat.

After one or two frivolous distant messages, I finally said to myself “screw it” and texted him “I haven’t heard from you much.  Are you hiding from me?”

No reply.   It late but I knew he wasn’t asleep.  I drove past his house on my way home and his lights were on.  I thought about it, prayed about it, and decided to walk over there and quietly put his gift  in the mailbox.  By the time I got to his place on foot, his lights were out.  Still not having replied to my bold question.

In the morning he texted “No.  I got your email.  I’m just running around trying to figure it all out.”

What a very good reply.  It felt honest to me.  I told him I didn’t know how he was feeling so I left something for him in the mailbox.

“You’re such a doll.  Thank you.” he replied.

Along with the gift I left him, there was a handwritten letter.  It was fairly succinct and pretty much just said I don’t want to walk through life being scared of getting hurt all the time.  I’m not going to do it anymore.  I am going to grab hold of the opportunities life sends my way and live passionately.

In all honesty–  that’s who I am.  That’s the life I have lived…  for the most part, fearless.   When did I become this timid frightened woman when it comes to love?  I’m not that girl.  I’m fierce, and tough and have gotten through a lot of junk on sheer grit alone.  *Sigh*  but I guess after so much weight and hurts being heaped on us, we get a little heavy… weighted down, until we can unpack some of the baggage.  Well, I’ve started unpacking!

Considering the letter, I figured the silence and distance from him would continue.  Plus, he’d been busy…  The move was coming up super fast.

A few days later I bumped in to him at the store.  He hugged me tight, and we chatted for about 2 seconds and he was off.  I noticed it was different.  He was different.  I didn’t get the standard cheery persona smile.  He looked serious.

I shrugged it off until the next day…  then I understood.  He posted a song on his Facebook page.  It was a country song “I should have kissed you” and it was accompanied by a line he wrote about how he walked in the light with his dream beside him and he choked.

After all the talking we had done.  Him saying he was scared and he just needs to grow the hell up.  Telling me he was figuring it all out.  When we went to dinner we even discussed whether he was seeing anyone new…  No.  A definite no.  He had been talking to an ex-girlfriend but he said he was just able to get some closure to why she had been so terrible to him five years ago.  So…  after all that, I was confused and thought it might have been some kind of cryptic message to me.

Captain Amazing knew right away.  “Oh, it sounds like he’s seeing someone.  Have you thought about taking him off your Facebook so you don’t have to see that stuff?”

That felt like a swift kick in the stomach.  I wandered around the house for a bit, and then decided to just ASK him instead of worrying about it.  Whatever it was, I needed to face the truth.

Cadence:  I saw your FB status.  Are you seeing someone now?

Ambassador:  No, just reminiscing with an old friend.

Cadence:  Well, I would hope if that were the case you would tell me and not just drop a bomb on Facebook.

Well no wonder that chance encounter was awkward for him!  He probably felt like I could see in to his soul.

I had a bunch of pent-up anger to work off, and started weed wacking in my yard.  It didn’t take but a few minutes to realize his reply was total bullshit.  Complete and total bullshit.  Once again he was lying to himself and refusing to call something what it was.  That wasn’t reminiscing.  That was a date, and I knew who it was too.  Damn ex-girlfriend!

Suddenly I was pissed.  It hurt  that he was seeing someone else, but also I was infuriated that he seemed to have a complete inability to be honest and honorable with me.

Sure, we can hide behind technicalities… like they aren’t officially together or that he doesn’t owe me anything since we are in fact broken up–  but I know he didn’t feel right about it or he wouldn’t have gone about it all shady like.  He’d have come right out and said it.

I’m tired of it, and I’m not going to play that game anymore.  I’m going to call it like it is.  I was also enraged that he would post that shit on Facebook.  He knew I’d see it and he knows how I feel about that shit.  That’s why every time we have broken up I have unfriended him.  I don’t need to see that crap.  A couple of weeks ago he talked me in to letting him back on, which I did — never thinking he would do something like this– again.

I’m convinced it was intentional. Intentional, in fact, I’m sure it was a bullshit cowardly way of pushing me away…   like breaking up with me in the dark.  His way of not having to see my face.  If you’re doing nothing wrong…  if you know what you’re doing is the right thing and needs to be done–  then why can’t you do it in the light of day??

I texted him that on second thought I was taking him off my friend’s list and I didn’t need that kind of shit popping up on my news feed and in my face.

He replied that he knows he makes it hard on me, and after that last email he had decided to give me some room.

“You could have told me that!” I replied, and then blasted him for not being straight forward with me… saying I am trying like hell to be straight with him.  It’s scary and uncomfortable, but I respect him enough to do it anyway…  and “YA, some space would be good here!” I snapped.

He just kept blowing smoke —  he knew damn well I wasn’t the one who needed space.  He’s the one who wants some space AND don’t blame that trash on my email.  I’m sure it has nothing to do with that–  He just wants to see what’s up with the ex-girlfriend.

When I told my friends about it, they wanted to grab torches and pitch forks, form a mob and hunt him down…   As for me though… as hurt and angry as I was–  I get it.  I hate to say it but everything he’s done, I’ve done too — at some point during my dating years.

These days though, I consider myself a reformed disaster.  I’m doing my best to grow, and change.  Be more open, authentic, and unafraid.  To say the things that are tough to say, but  important.  Deal with things as they come along, and not let them build up.  I’ve come a long way, but I am still aware of how I’ve handled myself in the past.  I’m not so self-righteous as to shame him for doing the same kinds of things.

I’m not making excuses for him.  What he did was fucked up and I’d like to give him a good kick in the balls for it, but I understand too.

Now I have a whole new tangled pile of emotions to “be in”.  My therapist told me to just let my emotions rain down over me.  So, that’s what I’ll do.

Published in: on June 24, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (10)  
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My Black Belt in the Dark Arts of Avoidance and Distraction

I have been mulling over some of my behavior patterns when it comes to relationships and I have decided I’ve earned a black belt in the arts of avoidance and distraction over the years.

I’ve hurt people with this distraction thing over the years, because when things end, they feel like I don’t care.  They have thought I wasn’t really in it because it doesn’t look like I’m hurting.  In truth, I’m not hurting.  I had gone to great lengths to make sure of that.  Avoidance and distraction works very well, but in the short term.  It’s like cutting a weed down but not pulling out the roots.  It’ll keep popping back up.

I didn’t want to feel the hurt and sadness so I chased distraction, usually in the form of another relationship right away.  If I couldn’t find another relationship to jump in to right away then I kept busy with online dating sites, home projects, hanging out with friends, racing out-of-town….  anything.  Anything not to be alone with my thoughts.

Even when I left my ex-husband, we had spent 10 years together, and inside of 2 weeks I was totally involved in a relationship with another man.  It happened so fast, and in such an intense way that he thought maybe I’d started it up before I left him.  I didn’t.

I think it just had to be fast an intense to even attempt to temper the emotional fall-out of giving up on a decade long relationship.

I hurt Mr. X in much of the same way.  We were fighting like crazy, and had gone back and forth a few times.  At one point, I started seeing The Hunky Mechanic and jumped right in to spending holidays together and the whole deal.

The last time Mr. X and I broke up, I got pissed at his pushing and persistence and blocked his ass.  He had absolutely no way to reach me.  Then his cousin died.  His cousin was a terrific man.  I knew him, and had even called him to rescue me with a jump-start of my car at one point.  Mr. X drove over to my place to tell me we’d lost his cousin, and The Young Firefighter was there…  staying at my place.

So now, I am feeling like it’s karma.  The Ambassador is engaged in full on distraction mode.  I had him heavy on my heart the other day, and my intuition was telling me to zip him a text message so I did…

Cadence:  You’ve been heavy on my mind today.  Hope all is well in your world.

Ambassador:  I was thinking about you over my huge cup of coffee.

(For Christmas I gave him a big ol’ coffee cup with a picture of us on it.  It’s a pic my friend took from behind us as we stood close to each other at a concert in the park.  One the other side is a quote from Winnie The Pooh.  It says “If there is ever a time when we are not together there is something you must always remember.  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”)

Cadence:  And what were you thinking?

Ambassador:  That I miss our conversations so much that I’m talking to old friends about them.

Cadence:  Me too.  Well, I’m going to walk at the park today if you want to join.

Ambassador:  I’m working or I so would.

Cadence:  Hope your day is beautiful.

Ambassador:  It’s going great.  No one can touch this high life.  Any higher and I’m going to have to submit to a piss test for the boss!

Cadence:  That sounds like BLISS.

That was a couple of days ago, and I haven’t heard from him since.  Frustrating because part of me wants to say “You miss me?  I’m right here!!!!”  BUT, I also know he is fully engaged in avoidance/ distraction right now.  He has mentioned old friends and ex’s in the very scant amount of communications we’ve had, so I’m sure he’s jumping in his truck and driving south for a few hours to see them every chance he gets.

It sucks feeling like the only one that’s mourning the relationship.  It makes me wonder things like –Was he talking to these girls when we were together?  Maybe just spending energy thinking about them, instead of putting that energy in to what we had.  Split energy is never good.  That’s definitely one of the things that will keep a person with one foot out the door in a relationship.  Maybe that’s what was going on.  I mean, Capt Amazing has kind of being doing that with Ms. Perfect and The Cashier for quite a while now and those girls most likely have no idea.  *sigh*

Who knows what it was that kept him so closed off, and does it really matter?  I don’t know.  It’s not fun feeling like the only one mourning the relationship but it’s my karma.

So, here I am in all new territory in actually trying to deal with these feelings about The Ambassador instead of run from them.  It’s uncomfortable and painful.  Today was brutal.  I couldn’t sleep.  I don’t feel good physically or emotionally.  I’m incredibly sad and I miss him terribly.

I know that I could message him.  I could start this whole routine with him all over again… chase him a little.  He loves to be chased, but the chasing makes me feel inadequate and unwanted.  So, I’ll get fed up and about the time I’ve had enough, he’ll come around and give me just enough attention not to starve to death.  I could.  I could do that all over again, but that routine is not working for me.  It just makes me feel bad.  So, I’m not.  I’ve stopped.  I have refused the chase.

Ya know, the truth is love must be given freely otherwise it’s not real.  I’m not going to chase him, or pry information out of him, paint him in to a corner or manipulate him.  I realize that’s what he’s used to and it might keep him around but I’m not going to do it.  It’s not a real committment if it’s like that, it’s an obligation.  I don’t want to be anyone’s obligation.

I deserve better and I know it doesn’t have to be like that because I’ve had so much love in my life.  I’ve had it given freely and openly.  I’ve been chased with it, and chased off with it.  I’ve also been warmed by it, and enveloped in it.

Published in: on May 29, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (8)  
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Making Different Choices, Growing Through The Pain

Today was a hard day.  It’s Easter break in my neck of the woods and it feels like all my peeps have left town.  I’m feeling lonely.

Captain Amazing is in NYC.  The Sultry School Teacher is in the bay area.  Another girlfriend is off and temporary assignment and yet another one is playing temporary one week wife to her Tom Cat boyfriend.  (That’s a story for another day.)

I remember having a particular weekend like this when I was going through my first divorce.  I was incredibly lonely and there was a holiday weekend when all my friends left the base and I had nothing to distract me.  I jumped in my car and drove 12 hours home to see my family.  I was in an absolute panic clamoring for something to distract me from myself.

Distraction has been my tool in many ways.  Through many a break up, I’ve embarked on projects to keep me busy and -not- dealing with the emotions at hand.  I thought this was a great way of dealing with things.  It eased the pain and I told myself I was getting on with the business of feeling better… not wallowing.  Still, it doesn’t work because as we’ve said before, when you don’t learn the lesson, it comes back around to slap you again.

This time I’m making changes.  I’m breaking old patterns and finding a new way.

The biggest pattern grating on me at the moment is the one I’ve been living with The Ambassador since day one.  Generally how it goes is, something happens where we feel close…  This time it was the walk we had, sharing aspects of our spirituality, and then me dropping off a book for him that we had talked about.  Next, he pulls away.  I feel him pulling away and start to reach out.  I reach out until I get fed up feeling like I’m chasing him, then I give up.  At some point he comes back around.

Right now he’s in the pulling away stage.  I can feel him pulling away, and I hate that.  I hate that feeling and I don’t want to let go…. but this time, I’m going to.  I’m going to let go of it and let God do with it what he will.  I’m not reaching out.  Although, I desperately don’t want him to disappear from my life…  I’m letting it go.

It’s gut wrenching, feeling him disappearing and doing nothing to stop it.  I’ve done it once before when he disappeared to play with The Sneaky Bitch.  That time, however, I did everything I could to distract myself from the misery of letting him go.  Another pattern I’m changing this time.  I’m going to be in it… work through my pain over it all.  I need to get my boundary against apathetic emotionally unavailable men solidly in place…  It’s not easy though.

Today after dropping off my kids, I drove down the road that goes right past his place.  He was outside walking from his truck in to the house, talking on the phone.  I attempted a wave but he didn’t see me.  As always figuratively, and in this case literally, he doesn’t see me.

Thats part of my problem with The Ambassador.  He’s so worked up in his own head, in his own problems that he doesn’t seem me.  There’s no appreciation.

For me, I have an appreciation for people in my life.  I see how incredible they are and what  a blessing it is that God has put them in my life.  For The Ambassador, there seems to be none of that.  Not just with me, but with his best friend as well… and anyone else orbiting in his universe.  So, why am I sticking around for that bs?  My heart just doesn’t want to let go.

When I got home, I got a call from Mr. X.  He could tell something was bothering me.  I fessed up.  My heart is breaking.  I miss him SO much, but I will NOT chase him.  I am praying and listening to the Lord and I am NOT to chase him.  I dissolved in to tears and had to get off the phone.

Mr. X was doing his best to comfort me, but what it came down to was… I know it’ll be ok, but right now it fucking hurts.

I put on my running shoes and went walking.  I walked and I thought about this boundary I’m putting in place.  I thought about The Ambassador coming back around after I’ve got my bliss back, which he always seems to do and I thought…  Oh no you don’t Mr. Ambassador of Ambiguity.  Oh no you don’t come back around showing up all romantic like, lighting up when you seem me…  Unless you’ve had some major come to Jesus moment about me, and have torn that wall down, don’t waste my time.  I don’t need to be spending time with a man I love… and I can’t even tell him I’ve fallen madly in love with him because he might run away. It rips my heart to shreds.   I need to be with someone I can count on when the going gets tough, not someone who doesn’t even stick around when things are going good.

This was a scary thought, even in my own head because I know The Ambassador well enough to know that with a speech like that I might well lose him forever.  He could very well turn tail and run…  But I’ve got to put that boundary in place, because the way things are right now, the way they have been, stings like a son of a bitch.

Published in: on April 24, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (25)  
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