Oh So Rugged!

Rugged... like this guy I stole off pintrest!

Rugged… like this guy I stole off pintrest!

Although my current state of mental, physical, psychological chaos leaves me with zero desire to be dating or anything… I do miss men. Big burly rugged men.

From the sidelines where I sit, I am witnessing the awe inspiring strength God put in to men. I don’t think I ever realized before how rugged they really are. They guy from my church that came by to bring me some wood (married dude) grew up in South Lake Tahoe. He was swinging an ax around like it’s made of plastic… whipping up kindling and flinging large arm fulls of oak in to my wood shed.

Wood is a very manly thing… and a common thing up here in the mountains where I live. We have loggers, men who work at factories, tow cars out of giant snow storms, repair power lines in raging blizzards, hunt and kill animals for fun, climb on horses and hike in to the wilderness to search and rescue people, even volunteer for local fire departments… lol. Think about all the crazy rough neck type jobs men do… work oil riggs and fishing boats… all kinds of crazy dangerous stuff. They are just rugged. God made them that way. Very different from me… from women, and yet meant to be together.

Another guy from church stopped by my place this week to help me fix a broken window. (married) He’s a retired road cop. Spent 20 years rescuing stranded motorists, or victims of traffic collisions… pulling people out of the snow banks. Believe it, folks– they do more than just write tickets. Now he’s talking about going back to logging as a second career. wow.

Also,I must say, he was 50 something and in his church clothes, he seemed to blend in to the pavement, but when he arrived at my house in his ‘work clothes’… 5 o’clock shadow, carharts jacket and logger boots looking oh so rugged, rough and ready… I definately took a second look, I won’t lie. (no worries though, still celibate. 9 months now. Anyway, I re-iterate, he’s married) Just sayin’ — Rugged = Doable, for sure.

I’m just in awe. Not only am I realizing how NOT rugged I am, (and that’s ok) but I am watching and thinking about how much I miss having that kind of strong, simple, rugged hero type in my life.

Published in: on January 8, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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Surprising Details and High Expectations

oh you sassy bitch!

I bounced in to work in such a saucy mood.  Full of so much energy and enthusiasm that it was spilling out all over the place.

I had maybe even a little too much energy as I felt somewhat anxious — like I drank too much coffee.

I wasn’t in the office very long before I heard the buzz…  The Drug Cop’s last working day before his transfer.  Now, I’m not sure why but I felt sure we would see him in Dispatch that day.

As I got settled in and made a few calls, I discovered The Drug Cop was working a completely different area than we had on the schedule.  Some 40 minutes away from our office so we wouldn’t see him after all.  “Ehh.  Oh well” I thought.  I shrugged it off and passed the message through a co-worked that I said “sayonara sucka!” with a giggle.

The next thing I know, I’m staring out the window in awe.  Not only had The Sexy Drug Cop arrived with pizza to surprise us, but damned if he didn’t look as hot as I’d ever seen him.

Freshly showered and in a perfectly pressed uniform.  Not a hair out-of-place, and bad ass sunglasses in check.  Two of my girlfriends happened to be on shift with me and all three of us stood at the window shamelessly gawking as he climbed out of his car and headed for the building.

He strode in to dispatch full of compliments, “my favorite crew!” he announced, with his arms wide open and a smile on his face.  “I couldn’t leave without saying good-bye.  You’re my favorites!”

I thought this a little odd because I am sure  have only seen him in dispatch maybe 3 times in the two years I’ve been here.  I laughed a bit to myself and thought “Who cares!  He is damn nice to look at, a great conversationalist and I am in a fabulous mood.”

The Sexy Drug Cop started right in with a story about an extremely nervous 20-year-old kid that rode with him the day before.   The kid almost hyperventilated when The Drug Cop asked him to repeat a simple phrase over the radio.  He had us all shaking and laughing out loud…. and then I thought… Hmmm.. maybe I was wrong.  Maybe he is funny.

We all talked about our kids.  I have two, and The Drug Cop has one little girl who is almost two.  Another one of my girlfriends has a kindergarten age daughter, and the other has 2 boys and a girl.  There were a great bunch of cute kid stories and I got to imagine the very clean-cut, put together Drug Cop crawling around on his hands and knees giving his little girl “pony rides”.

We all talked about our personal relationships, and a book called “Emotional Survival in Law Enforcement”.  The Drug Cop had picked it up and read it while his marriage was falling apart in a great attempt improve things.  He couldn’t understand what he was feeling and felt like there was something wrong with him.  The book provided much insight.

I wouldn’t have guessed him as someone who would have made that kind of effort in his personal relationships.   I don’t know why…  maybe just because my ex who is also a cop and former Marine didn’t.

Then another interesting fact snuck out…  His Dad is a psychologist who works exclusively with veterans.   Wow…  not only that but his ex is a social worker.

I was really surprised.   He’s such a motivated and active cop…  always finding drugs, and drunks and making tons of arrests.  He’s extremely pro-active when lined up with his peers.  I just figured him for tough as nails.  Maybe not so.  Psychologists and social workers tend to be pretty touchy feely, as I understand it.

I talked about the crash of my own marriage and the fact that there were some tough times and I was not always the best partner.  I had a really hard time staying at home with the kids.  I’m just not wired that way.  I need more meaning in my life than just washing the damn dishes.  I had a really hard time keeping up with the housework because I was in turmoil emotionally, and because the kids outpaced me without fail.  I was exhausted.

He shared some of his issues feeling exhausted and in emotional turmoil going through different stages working in law enforcement.  The Drug Cop is convinced that since we are Marines, we are difficult people…  I don’t know that I agree.

I was feeling sassy and a little flirtatious, as I stared at the gorgeous dimples I’d never noticed before.  He’s a fantastic man but with very very high expectations by his own admission.

I did finally tell him at one point that I’d thought about those high expectations before and have another friend who is similar in that way…. super motivated, super active, super responsible, only The Drug Cop also has an insane moral compass.

“I know you have some high expectations because you are motivated like that, and you live up to them —but I wonder how anyone could keep up with you.  My friend Duke is that way and I don’t know how his wife keeps up with him.” I remarked with wonder.

He seemed to absorb that and think about it some.  The truth is, Duke’s wife doesn’t keep up with him… and I can’t honestly say it’s not a problem, but I didn’t add that to the conversation.

Sometimes I feel like there are people I know (men & women alike) that are looking for nothing short of perfection.  The problem is, none of us is perfect.  We’re just human.

Now, I’m not an advocate for settling by any means, but I do believe we must let our partners be human.  Be accepting and considerate because we aren’t perfect either.

The Drug Cop stuck around for a good 4 or 5 hours, feeling entitled to slack off a little on his last day.  I have been incredibly secluded socially lately and it felt good to connect with people.  We all need some kind of social and emotional connection, and I miss it.

Still, I am determined to finished my therapy process and not get distracted.  I’m also feeling incredibly vulnerable at this stage, having “taken off my armor” as the therapist remarked… so I think I may continue hide for a while yet.

The Sexy Drug Cop made sure we all has his number, and hugged us as he left.  With his arms around me, he turned his head to my ear and said “I better get a text on November 10th.” (That’s the Marine Corps birthday)  Then he smiled, and walked out the door.

Published in: on November 4, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (4)  
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The Ambassador Followed Me Home

There I was driving down main street thinking how good I was feeling.  I had just gone to Walmart sans anxiety… which is huge for me.  With all the crowds and the cramped parking lot, it’s usually a nerve racking experience.

Next thing I know, I see a gorgeous red car coming my direction and sure enough, it’s 2011 Dodge Challenger with The Ambassador of Ambiguity at the wheel.

I waved as we passed, then glanced in the rear view mirror to see him flipping his car around making a u-turn in the middle of main street, screetching tires and all.

He changed direction and began following me as I turned off main and headed for my neighborhood.  I figured he was coming by to chat, and I was right.

Still, I was shocked since I haven’t seen him, or really heard from him much in 5 months PLUS the last time I talked to him I refuseds share a meal with him.  I still hadn’t sent the letter from my “No Regrets” post.

He looked thinner than I remembered, but handsome, tall and stylish.  I could see traces of gray starting to appear in his well kept blond hair…  which I absolutely love.

He said he was there for a dentist appointment, which shocked me since he lives in a city 2 hours away.  I commented “that’s a long ways to drive for a dentist appointment” to which he replied “seriously, I can’t handle it down there.”

He loved living in our little town and only moved in order to advance in his career.  Even after nearly half a year, The Ambassador still hates the chaotic feeling of the city but I think it’s more than that.  His heart is here in our little town.

We chatted for about an hour, which seemed to fly by in a blink.  He said he’d driven by my house but couldn’t tell if I was home, so he drove across town and past my work trying to see if my car was in the back lot.

I looked straight in to his eyes and told him I miss him every single day, and I couldn’t believe I was looking in to his face.  I also got to spout off some stories and rant about a couple things that I felt only he could understand.

I told him about therapy and how nerve racking it has been uncovering things I have been trying NOT to look at for some 30 years.

He said he’s been working overnights and has no social life at all.  I told him I’m out of the social scene while trying to get through therapy.

“You look good” he said over and over again.  All I could do at that was smile.

He shared some of his stuff.  He went to a bonfire with a bunch of people he grew up with.  There were all drinking and smoking weed.  Despite thier pressure and repeated attempts to get to him, The Ambassador stayed clean, as he has managed to do every day for the last 6 years.

In 6 years The Ambassador has managed to go from someone who was couch crashing and working as a base line retail employee to management, promoted twice and making what is getting really close to 6 figures plus driving that gorgeous $40,000 car.

He made a decision.  He stopped drinking and never went back.  Then he climbed and climbed and climbed, turning his life around.  His old friends couldn’t believe it.  They are all still in that life… drinking and drugging thier lives away.

For as long as I have known The Ambassador he has seemed trapped between who he used to be and who he is becoming…  but when I heard this story, I sensed there had been an internal shift in him.  He’s not trapped in between anymore.  He knows that’s not who he is anymore.

It was a good visit.  In some ways it felt like we had never parted, but in other ways it felt like starting over.  I kept no secrets.  I didn’t allow myself to become overly concerned by how he might react, and then censor myself as I’d done in the past.   I told him I missed him.  I told him about the dreams I’d had about him and the things that happened and I’d wished he was there to talk it over with.

As we walked toward the door he said “I’d like to see you again, if you’ll let me.”  Then he hugged me tight for a long time… and he was gone.

Published in: on October 30, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (4)  
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The Body and All It’s Connected To

This is a repost of one of my stories from April of 2011…  it’s a good read but also–  this guy is still text messaging me with the same ol’ sexy flirtations.  It’s been over year!  *eye roll*  Anyway, hope you enjoy.

For all you readers that don’t remember.. Mr. Off Limits is a guy who works for the same company as my ex-husband.  He’s a stocky buff body builder type, complete with motorcycle and zany personality.

He saw me on Plenty of Freaks a couple months ago and popped up a chat box to say “hi”.  He now pops up every week and a half or so to flirt like crazy with me via text message.  He and I have both said it’s too bad he’s with that company– it makes him off limits but he’s fun and I think we spend a fair amount of time boosting each other’s egos.

Mr. Off Limits seems to be fairly inexperienced, especially for a guy in his early thirties.  This intrigues me, and I have to admit I playfully taunt him with some of my “outdoor adventures”, some indoor adventures and other brief titillating facts.

Mr. Off Limits had this girlfriend who was NOT adventurous when it came to sex.   She was also a raging bitch.

I, on the other hand, am not a bitch.  I’ve been called “nice” more times than I can count… but more in a naughty in the bedroom but nice otherwise way.  😉

This guy has been, ummmm, fairly communicative I guess.  However, I think that’s simply out of necessity.  He strikes me as someone who shares as little as he can possibly get away with.  He’s very much like my ex-husband.

Well, now he’s got Friends With Benefits (FWB) on the brain.  He’s all but straight out asked me to be his FWB.  I’ve thought about it.  He’s sexy and complimentary and all…. but honestly, I don’t want to.

Why do guys do that??  I want a RELATIONSHIP.  What makes men think I’m FWB material?  (do NOT answer that!  it’s a rhetroical question.)  Why would you want some kind of “better than nothing” situation anyway?  I think those relationships just drag people down.  It’s depressing to be with someone who doesn’t think you are amazing, special, one of a kind.. and worth anything life can throw at you.  It affects a person’s self esteem.

AND I am worth more than that.  I am fighting off feeling indignant about men just wanting to fuck me and nothing more.

I love all those rom coms like “Love and Other Drugs” and “No Strings Attached” where a fantastic relationship grows out of FWB but I don’t think it happens that way in real life.  One person always grows feelings and the other one still wants no strings.  So, the one with the feelings gets hurt and yet has no business being upset because the intentions were clear from the get go.

I am a passionate, emotional woman and I have an amazing ability to see the good in people.  I know I’d probably be the one to grow feelings.  I mean, they call it “intimacy” for a reason, don’t they?

I’m sorry but avoiding the drama and secret keeping with this guy is not an answer because it’s a small town… a VERY small town.  Someone will see someone else’s car at someone’s house at all hours of the night and word will get out.

Plus, I haven’t spent any time in person with him, so it’s not like I know we’re not right for each other but the chemistry is so delicious I can’t resist.

Why should I anyway??  I’m really not that badly in need of sex, and if I go down that road, it ends up being– the more I get, the more I want.  Then I’d have that whole thing to deal with, and round and round we go.

So, if he thinks all I’m worth is a good time in the sack (and I AM a good time.. hahaha), then he can go somewhere else.

Let me break it down for you boys… if you want my company..  If you are interested in my heart and my head, as well as my body…  If you are looking for something real and aren’t paralyzed by a fear of getting hurt……….  I’ll consider it, but if you’re just after the body — then forget you.  I’m saving that for a man who will truly appreciate it and all it’s connected to.

Published in: on September 23, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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I Hate Your Stupid Car

Cadence:  He texted me the other day.  He bought a new car.

Capt. Amazing:  I thought you were done with him after the voice message thing?

Cadence:  I love him, D.  I’m praying for change.  I’m a prisoner of hope. — but keeping my distance until or unless I see some change though.

Capt. Amazing:  I understand.


He understands because he’s been there.  He’s been through the same types of things with the women he has loved.  Somehow we can manage to hate the behavior but love the man (or woman in Capt. Amazing’s case).  I tell ya folks, I know you’re tired of hearing about him and in truth… I wish I hated him but like the poem… not even a little, not even at all.

In fact, our most recent text conversation started out with him asking me if I still super hated him.  *sigh*  Not even a little, not even at all.

You see, what happened was, he called and asked to take me out…  Dinner, or whatever.  He didn’t care.. just wanted to see me.  He had that sort of “aww shucks” sound in his voice.  I know that tone with him.  So… I thought about it for quite some time.  Do I see him, or do I not?  It’s been three months since the unforgettable night star-gazing on the tailgate of his truck.  After a few hours, I made some arrangements for the kids and called him back to let him know…  That’s when I heard it… some goofball message saying whoever was calling, he’d call back unless it was THE GIRL, or some other guys that I don’t know… but I recognized THE GIRL’s name.

He started seeing this gorgeous but also mean ass crazy girl like right after the night on the tailgate, so hearing her name was brutal…  In the words of Carrie Bradshaw “that was like takin’ a bullet.”  I immediately hung up on his stupid voicemail.  When he called back I rejected his invitation and called him out on all sorts of stuff… but in my own calm, caring, but matter of fact way.

I didn’t hear from him again for a few weeks, then the text messages about the stupid car.  He bought a new car.  He could have bought anything…  Single guy, no kids, no responsibilities but him and his dog… He coulda bought himself a Maserati, hell, he could have bought himself a Porsche but no…  He bought a kick ass Red Dodge Challenger.

Now, I am kind of car girl… It’s not that I can work on cars, or am obsessed with NASCAR like some redneck girl… but I love some American heavy metal…  the curvy sexy all american muscle car gets my heart racing.  The Ambassador knows this..  He loves this about me.  We’ve gone to car shows together…  I let him drive my charger a bunch of times…  He even talked about buying one, if we wouldn’t look like such dorks being a couple and both driving the same car…

I don’t know…  Maybe it doesn’t mean anything… he just liked the car… but why message me about it?  Why message me at all?  He’s the one that ended our relationship.  He’s the one talking to other people… or who knows what else.  Why contact me at all?  I wish there were others to write about for you guys, but my heart’s just not thereIt would be so much simpler to hate him, and give it up once and for all.


I hate the way you push and pull

and I hate your stupid car

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you

not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all

Published in: on September 9, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (16)  
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Giggles at the Garage Sale

A couple of years ago my daughter played ponytail softball here in town and while garage saling this past weekend I bumped in to one of the guys that coached her team.

I was shepherding my kiddos around checking things out. I helped them count out their allowance. I jumped on to an electric scooter and zipped up and down the block howling with glee, and then I noticed him watching me. The kids made their purchases, and he gallantly carried them out to my car.

The Softball Coach chatted me up and was funny and charming. He had to remind me of his name when I confessed that he looked super familiar but I couldn’t place him. A little embarrassing since he remembered me. After he told me his very long and complicated last name he casually said “common spelling”. It was a little dispatcher jargon and really funny because obviously there is no common spelling for that ridiculous last name.  I giggled

I thanked him for the help and we were on our way. I smiled to myself thinking how cute I was in my pigtails, sundress, and sandals… but that was really the end of it. I’m just not all that concerned about it at the moment. I rather enjoying having all the dating stress off my shoulders. It didn’t really feel stressful while I was doing it, but I can definitely feel a difference now.

Also, ya know, I have to confess, all three of these new men in my atmosphere are cops, different agencies maybe but still cops– and I still have reservations about dating cops. Especially in a small town it can be incredibly difficult if it doesn’t work out. I’ve had several men bail the minute they found out my ex-husband is a cop.  Can’t say that’s a huge downside.  Some of them bailed because they were shady but eiter way, I don’t need some jilted ex-boyfriend driving around in a patrol car too.

Plus, I think the majority of them are pretty closed off. It’s a popular coping mechanism for dealing with all the disturbing things they have to see, but I want someone who’s open.  Ultimately, I don’t want to end up with another guy like my ex-husband.. Closed off, and tired of dealing with everyone elses problems all day at work, never wants to deal with his own.

Still, that’s the world I live in. Maybe I need to stop lumping them all in some pidgeon hole together. After all, how much am I like my fellow dispatchers? Hmmm.. I’m not sure I even know the answer to that one.

I’m not going to burn up too many brain cells mulling it over though. For the time being, I’m not dating and I’m happy with that. I’ve got some “me projects” I’m working on. Probably putting out a bit of a “stay back” vibe too, which is fine with me. I have no desire to be anything but authentic.

Published in: on August 5, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (2)  
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Road Dog

Better looking, but less FUNNY than these guys. MEOW!


As I have mentioned before, I am a law enforcement dispatcher. The other day, I’m sitting at my work position engrossed in whatever it was I was doing, when I look up and there stands The Road Dog. He’s leaning on the partician next to my desk with his “Smokey The Bear” hat and bad ass sunglasses on, his muscular arms folded in front of him.

He looked pretty damn hot. The most attractive I’ve ever seen him look, actually… and there he stood, or rather, leaned– waiting for me to turn my attention to him.

I’m calling him The Road Dog because he’s a highway cop… When our Allied Agency cops are being nice, they might call the highway guys “road dogs”.

The Road Dog is in his mid 40s, just under 6 foot tall, stocky. He sports a shiny shaved head and confident walk. He’s sociable, accomplished professionally, and in his personal life a super outdoorsy — hunter, fisherman, dirt bike rider type of guy. The kind of guy you see in flannel and work boots riding his dirtbike home from work. Give him a power bar and a bottle of gatorade and he can survive in the woods for a week.

The Road Dog has been single since I started here two years ago. He wanders in to dispatch to chat us up on a regular basis but has never really been flirtatious or anything. I believe he’s been dealing with the emotional after effects of his divorce in his own way, but lately… I seem to be seeing more attentive behavior from him. Seems like he’s all of a sudden testing the waters.

Although there are many positive things I could say about The Road Dog… There are also plenty of things that just don’t feel right to me. First, although the outdoorsy thing is sexy, I’m not Ms. Outdoorsy girl. Next, I’ve never had one of those conversations with him where I really felt like we were clicking. You know the kind I mean– where you’re really on the same wave length and it flows smoothly. Also, he works here. Just doesn’t seem to really fit.

I have to say though, if he was as funny as Super Troopers…  I’d rump right in without a second thought.  Haven’t you heard?  Funny is the new sexy!


Published in: on August 2, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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Easy On The Eyes, Hard On The Heart

Ya baby… except the guys I know are the real thing

I remember the first time I saw The Drug Cop.  He was in civilian clothes having been assigned to a drug task force, and walked into the dispatch center in jeans and his badge hanging on one of those chain things you see detectives wear in the movies sometimes.

I damn near fell out of my chair!  I immediately thought of the way Rick Shroeder looked when he was on NYPD Blue (The Drug Cop is blonde), only the guy standing in front of me was taller and FAR more attractive.  He looked like a damn movie star..  I couldn’t believe it.  I probably stumbled over my words like an idiot when we were introduced.

It was a really long time before I saw him again, but it turns out The Drug Cop also served in The Marines, and I get the impression that he feels a sort of connection because of that.  I don’t know about you other services, but we Marines got it like that.  😉

The next time he came by our office, we chatted a while and I understood that he’s been missing the camaraderie he found there. To me it’s just a signal that although work and home might be good to go… the social aspect of his life might be kinda out of balance. Not a huge surprise in our mid-thirties. Sometimes it seems like everyone you know is off and busy with their own lives and families.

Anyway, now he’s calling in just to say “hi.. how ya doin’?” and tell me he can always tell when it’s me on the radio– by the overtone of my voice.

Hmmm…  Doubt anything will happen there.  From what I understand, he’s got a transfer in.  I believe he had short marriage…  I mean celebrity short, that ended and now he’s off to bigger things.  He doesn’t seem like the type to be content just humming along in this little town.  Guess he had to give it a try though.

I would imagine it would be hard for any woman to keep up with The Drug Cop…  He just seems like the type that’s always on.  Always pushing himself..  stellar athlete, stellar cop…  ya know, everything just so.  A woman like me would probably drive him crazy.  I’m messy.  I don’t do routines well.  I do my best to go with the flow.  I try to listen to my heart, go with the flow, grow where I’m planted and follow God’s plan for me…  The Drug Cop seems more like an “I make my OWN luck” kinda man.

And, did I mention he looks like TROUBLE?  He’s got “easy on the eyes, hard on the heart” written all over him.

Published in: on July 31, 2012 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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The Men in My Atmosphere

I was thinking Social Kenny’s previous comment on one of my posts about a harem…  Like maybe I needed a new harem.  I immediately thought… no thanks!

Today I realize, it’s not so much a matter of what is or isn’t there in my life, but instead — where my focus lies.  I haven’t been writing about the men in my atmosphere because that’s not where my focus is at the moment, but there are men in my atmosphere.  Even in small towns I guess Danny’s words ring true — there will always be another man.

Lately, I find myself truckin’ along through life paying little attention to the men in my vicinity.  In large part it’s because my intuition and moral compass are telling my the situations just aren’t right.

These days I often hear from Mr. Cool, and The Duke… They are both incredible extraordinary men just oozing with charisma.   Friends yes, but from time to time they seem to want to step over the line.  That’s a no-go..  They are married.

I just don’t understand women who do that sort of thing.  It seems to me to be a bad idea on so many fronts.  First, in this life one of the things I most pride myself on is not hurting others.  I think taking part in the possible nuclear explosion of someone’s marriage would be going against that value.

Next, it seems a bad decision for a women’s self-esteem too.  Why would you consent to not only sharing him but also NOT being #1 on the list.  You might think you’re the one he really loves, but the fact is– he is married to someone else.   They have a life together, a history, and a home.  If nothing else, he is legally bound to his wife– not you.  Not what I’m looking for.

I still hear from Mr. Off Limits fairly often.  I even bumped in to him in the grocery store the other day.  You’d think that would happen more than once ever 4 years, but not so…

Mr. Off Limits is a totally sexy guy but seemingly closed off.  He does his absolute best to steer our conversations (text message) right to sexy time at every change he gets.  Recently, after having remarked about this time and time again, it results in my not replying any further.  No thanks.

“…raise your hand if the shape of your hips don’t compare to the shape of your mind”  –from One Girl Revolution by Saving Jane

Mr. Off Limits is also a solid, honorable, committed hard-working guy… but again my intuition is just screaming that we are not a match.  I think he does want a relationship but is maybe someone who does want a relationship but maybe doesn’t want to actually put any effort in to it.  He’s suggested a date a few times, but never followed up to confirm any sort of plan.  We’ve been flirting by text message for how long now?  More than two years!

The Collector even popped up on my phone the other day.  A couple of text messages, a missed call, a voicemail.   He rambled on to my message machine talking about how he’d been in my town to ride the mountain biking trails, and was hanging out with his girlfriend.

All I could think about was how I couldn’t drag his ass to my town when we were seeing each other.  I even bought a home during that time and really wanted to show it off.  Still nope.  He comes down here now, though?  And why is he trying to charm the socks off my voicemail when the day before he was “hanging out with the girlfriend”?

I sent a warm and polite text in reply but I did not return his call.  There were several times he operated in a fashion I did not appreciate.  No thanks.

So, even in a time when I’m feeling reclusive and I have NO profiles posted on any dating sites…  There are men in my atmosphere, just nothing that feels right.  Not just those that I have dated before or known for years, but new ones too…  The Road Dog, The Drug Cop and The Softball Coach.  I just haven’t been paying much attention to their attentions.  My focus is else where…  if it’s meant to be, it shall be.

I’ve got some “me projects” I’m working on, and I have no intention of putting up with any bullshit–  like The Collector hitting on some wine girl while we are there together.    When the right time comes, and the right guy comes along, it’ll happen just like it’s supposed to.

Published in: on July 29, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (2)  
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Let’s Make a Plan

Sensual Cellibacy by Donna Marie Williams

So, the Sensual Cellibacy book came.  I zipped right through it in about day.   It was good.. The author took a pretty moderate approach in writing the book.  It wasn’t  religious or scientific really… and best of all, it approached the topic of cellibacy from a standpoint that encourages the reader to decided what is right for them.

The book talked about a period of cellibacy being a time to focus your energies on your goals, etc.  It helps the reader make cellibacy more manageable by giving direction in how to re-focus your energies and gain a new perspective.

I had already been pulling projects together, and plotting goals.  The truth is, my heart is thankful for the break.  I can breath a sigh of relief to be staring down a break from trying to manage dating sights, or schedule coffee dates, or having my hopes grow, only to be dashed not much later.  I could use some rest.

In fact, in this begining phase of my crazy little experiment, I’m not going to be dating at all.  Until I get to a place where I can look at dating in a playful positive light again, I’m on a break.

There were many wonderful things to absorb in the book.  The author talks a lot about the power of our sexuality, and how as women, not only are we recieving a man physically but also recieving and retaining his energy as well.

For me, that’s very true…  I’m certainly an “earthy woman” like she describes in her book.  I crave that physical touch..  The soulful intertwining of bare bodies, breathing in synchronicity… tongue tied and twisted..  but I’m tired of sharing that intimacy with men who I know in my heart are unavailable.

Here are some quotes from the book:

To me, sex meant I would be recieving his essence in to my body and spirit.

Sex deepens the relationship only if true intimacy has already been achieved.

As much as possible I infuse sensuality into every aspect of my life, from the clothes I wear to the sheets I sleep in.  Even my prayers are romantic and passionate.

Women and men practicing sensual cellibacy have the golden oppotunity to get to know each other on deeper, more meaningful levels.

Relationships don’t work if each partner is thinking of self and is being stingy with self.

The pursuit of a relationship, or the attempt to try and keep one, can cause great anxiety.

We must learn to fearlessly confront uncomfortable emotions.

In talking, we heal.

Sensual Cellibacy helped me shore up and organize some of my thoughts and goals…  I didn’t originally know how long I wanted to take on this whole cellibacy thing..  but now I’m thinking at least 6 months.  I’ve got some things I need to take care of (resolve my anxiety disorder, get real estate license, finish writing my book, etc) and I don’t need the distractions from dating or other sexy entanglements.

Once I get through some of these tasks, and when my heart feels ready, I’ll start dating again, but even then–  I intend to hold out on doing the deed until I’m in a relationship where there is caring, cooperation, and committment.

Once I get out there again, I’m sure dating is going to be tricky with that plan in mind but I can handle it.  If dude disappears when he hears he’ll have to hold out then I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

So—  that’s the cellibacy plan for now.  I’ll keep you posted.  🙂

Published in: on July 24, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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