Disappointment Like a Wave

I’m sitting at my desk feeling a wave of disappointment wash over me and settle. If I let the thoughts take over, there might be tears.

It’s been a few days since the big reveal (Of feelings, I mean… you dirty dirty minds!) and things are humming along nicely. Spent time hanging out with The Ambassador last night. For hours we listened to gorgeous slow alternative stuff and talked. I massaged his body, his hands, his feet, legs, back… and just as has happened before, there are a few things that wormed their way in to my head and are left floating around in there today.

He sees me as some kind of goody 2 shoes. In fact, he’s used that phrase. Goody Goody, Good Girl. I don’t know what exactly it means to him, but to me it = boring… The oposite of exciting. The anti-sexy. —and I am NOT the frickin’ anti-sexy.

It occured to me that, in comparison to the last two girls he has dated, maybe I am a goody goody. One was a cheater, a tramp and a drunk while the next one was sneaky, crazy jelous and hella manipulative.

Asking what it meant to him didn’t occur to me at the time.

So, now it’s bothering me. That and the fact that he keeps talking about me being a good decision. I don’t want to be just a decision. I don’t want to be the one that makes sense. I don’t want the logical girl that he THOUGHT he should date. I want him to feel it… I want him to want it, and want me…. and maybe he does. I don’t know. I do know I feel his energy pulling back again, though.
Maybe I’m just over analyzing…. BUT, at the same time, if I feel a shift in the relationship, in the energy and in the ebb and flow– What am I supposed to do? Ignore it and hope for the best? That hardly seems like a good idea.

The disappointment came when I was talking with a friend, and he said he’s only known me a couple weeks and maybe he knows me better than The Ambassador does. Could that be true? Then he said “Hey, if you want a fixer upper– have fun.”
That struck me. It struck me like punch in the gut knocking the wind out of me. How many times have I said I am looking for a partner, not a project? Yet, maybe my friend is right. There in lies my disappointment. (and to all you who are thinking I’m a complete putz for just now realizing this… I know!)

I don’t know how to absorb this really. Part of me asks, aren’t we all fixer uppers in one way or another? I’mcertainly no stinkin’ relationship expert. What am I supposed to learn from this? Then there is… What the hell– Should I go?

I don’t want to go. That’s definately not the right answer, every cell in my body is telling me NOT to bail. So, I shall stay. I’ll pray, and not panic and see what happens. Still, I’m a little sad today.

Published in: on February 7, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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