I’m a Dirty Mistress

On July 17th, 2012 I made a kind of vow of celibacy.  I read through the book Sensual Celibacy, which was fantastic and I did it.  I made it work for like 2 years.  It wasn’t easy.  Sometimes I joke that it was like coming off hard drugs, but it was a time of productivity and self reflection.  I believe I was in therapy at the time and making some big strides in personal growth as well as artistically.  I painted and drew and created like crazy.  I worked on my house.  I got the housekeeping stuff caught up and kept up on it.  After having stopped internet dating and blogging and having sex, it seems I had loads of time and energy on my hands.

And then, he appeared at my door.  An old acquaintance.  Someone I had met once upon a time.  I remember the very first time I saw him across the room and I thought, ooh I had better stay away from that one.  You see, I knew he was married.  And it wasn’t so much that he was incredibly attractive or anything but there was a very strong vibe.  There was a sort of wave of electricity between us.

I managed to stay clear of him for a good year or so while we were involved in a project that kept us in fairly close proximity, but now here he was on my doorstep asking how I was.  We’ll just call him Mr. Married.

I didn’t recognize him at first.  I still felt the vibe but it had been years.  He had to reintroduce himself.  I quickly remembered.  You see, we’re both Marines.  We both earned the title when we were young,  I did my 4 years, but he remains in the reserves.  It’s a deeper connection than with others who serviced in different branches of the military and certainly those who never served at all.

We stood there staring at each other like two tigers who inadvertently have come face to face.  So, we chatted.  And then he stopped by again, not too long after that.  Then, knowing he’s good with computers, I asked his help with my crappy slow ass laptop.  That was the day…  That was the day he started really putting the flirt on.

I’m used to being hit on by married men.  For whatever reason, I seem to be married man catnip these days.  I fend them off easily and without bruise to the ego, but Mr. Married is different…  persistent, assertive, even bordering on aggressive.

So, he asked me.. “Does that mean I’ll never have a chance?”

“Have a chance to what?” I ask him “You’re a married man.”

“Yes I am” he replied “and I love my wife.”

Then he got up from the chair at the computer and walked toward me.  I don’t remember just what was said after that but I do know he slowly got in to my space, until I backed up to the wall and then kissed me.

My God what an explosive kiss.  It had been two years and I just didn’t have a whole lot of objection in me.  I melted.

But that was all there was… that day.

We talked a lot.  He always told me he loved his wife.  They had been married something like 20 years but she wasn’t much of an affectionate woman.  Just sort of rigid woman of highly religious German descent.  He swore he’d never been unfaithful except for a couple other kisses at other times in his life… but that was it.  Just the kisses and then he would retreat.

Now, I’m no naive 20 year old girl.  Maybe his wife was unresponsive and unaffectionate, maybe she wasn’t.  I asked myself if it really mattered.  It didn’t.   I could say that I had no intention of letting things go any further but it wouldn’t be true.  I was thinking about it.

I finally agreed to let him give me a massage after a 12 hour overnight shift but I knew where it would go.

I always knew the deal.  From day one.  I knew he loved his wife and he would never leave her.  I didn’t want that anyway.  I just wanted comfort, affection and intimacy.  I wanted laughter and playfulness and we had all that.

Our affair went on for about a year.  I think we both brought some much needed sunlight in to each others lives.  He and the wife had been fighting like cats and dogs, but they weren’t any longer.  After a year, he was to be deployed… so made a book of boudoir photos and poetry and sent him off to war.  I bid him farewell.

I knew things had gotten better with his wife and that when he returned from deployment, they would make a new start.

Plus, I knew I had emotionally moved to a new place.  I wanted more.  I didn’t want to be the dirty little secret anymore.  I didn’t need to be in a relationship that I knew would ask nothing more of me but a few hours of time and attention a week.  No risk of commitment required.  No scary steps to further the relationship.  No longer did I need those things.. I wanted to move forward, to have a partner not just a playmate.  It was time.

That was years ago and we did it.  Aside from a weak moment or two, we stopped our elicit affair, but he remains a close friend of mine.  It’s been three years now since our physical affair ended.  Still, he’s been there when I have badly needed a friend.  When I was terrified and in the dark, he flung open the drapes to let the light burst in and reminded me of the warrior inside.

I can’t tell you what this man has meant to me.    And this week, I learned he’s on the move.  New job, new city, new life… in two weeks.

Happy for him.  Sad sad sad for me.


Published in: on June 12, 2018 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  

Cast of Characters UPDATE

Since it’s been something like 5 years, I thought I should give people an update on the cast of characters that appeared over and over again in my blog years ago.  You can find original information about these characters on the Cast of Characters page in my blog.  So, here we go…


The Ambassador of Ambiguity aka:  The Ambassador, King Wishy-Washy

As much chemistry as I thought The Ambassador and I had…  Once we broke up, he took a promotion and moved the hell out of town.  I was terribly distraught and cried from the depths of my soul.  BUT King Wishy-Washy did a bang up job letting go and moving on.

I haven’t talked to him in several years, but I occasionally take a peak at his Facebook page.  He’s met a gorgeous young woman who seems a terrific match for him.  They have twin pit bulls, twin bikes and a lovely baby girl with a second on the way.  Although I am very surprised we weren’t able to keep even some type of polite friendship, I wish him all the happiness in the world.  I’d say it seems that he has found everything he ever wanted, but truth be told, he never knew what he wanted.  So, I just hope he’s blissfully happy.


Captain Amazing Adventurer aka:  Capt Amazing, My Bestie

Captain Amazing took a new job and moved to the very impressive Manhattan Beach in LA.  We aren’t besties anymore.  In fact, I haven’t heard from him in years.  Despite his protests, I knew he would drift away once he moved and he did.  Proximity is so important.

Now, Captain Amazing really did get everything he ever wanted.  He used to tell me all about the kind of women he felt he should be dating, but living in a small town or city tends to be a dried up dating wasteland so he never met women like that.  He saw himself with a gorgeous, fit, intelligent professional woman.  Someone with a good family, education, and career — and he absolutely found her.   At a work convention 3,000 miles away, he met a woman he thought he’d never see again.  She lived on the opposite coast.  However, Captain Amazing is a romantic and stole away for whatever romantic interludes he could share with her until the convention was over.

It turns out they never stopped talking and texting and chatting.  Fairly quickly she transferred to the West Coast and they have been together ever since.  He found her.  Just the woman he had always talked about, and he married her too.


Mr. X aka:  The Stalkerish Ex-boyfriend

I had to cut off Mr. X for some time.  Many years in fact.  He was spinning out with stalkerish manipulative and emotionally abusive behavior.  These days, however, we are talking again.  It turns out Mr. X had some substance issues he had to work out.  Now he’s clean and sober and a completely different person.

In the years that the blog has been in limbo, he’s traveled all over the country.  Lived in, I don’t know how many different states and finally settled (for now) about an hour and a half drive from where I live.

He remains single, but many of the scars inflicted during our romantic relationship still remain.  I’ll never go back down that path with him again.  He has, however, met a woman who is kind and generous and seems a good match for him.  I don’t know though.  She seems wonderful to me, but I don’t see the fire in his eyes he has had for other women.  However, the other women generally kicked him around, got him all twisted up and drove him crazy… So I’m putting in my vote for her lady of kindness.


The Hunky Mechanic  aka: The Mechanic

The mechanic found a lady and was with her for several years.  Although it seemed an odd partnership to me, as there was no traction.  I know he was in love with her but after years together, they still remained separate in their living situations.  Neither of them have children, so I found that rather curious.

It didn’t last though, and he’s recently found himself a single man again.  He’s in a transitional place in life, very likely staring down a necessary change in careers.  Things are frustrating and difficult and we are talking again, finding some comfort leaning on each other a bit.

At this point, we simply remain friends.  We talked about taking it to another level, but I don’t think we’re a good match romantically.  We’re very different and as much as I have considered simply tearing off his clothes, or even giving it another try…  It seems unwise.  We even had this conversation.  We are on the same page.  Besides, the man JUST got out of a relationship that lasted probably longer than his last marriage… give a man a chance to breath, ya know?


The Red Hott Ramblin’ Man aka:  The Ramblin’ Man, The Collector

The Red Hott Ramblin’ Man found a terrific match for himself as well.  He married a school teacher.  Gorgeous, a fan of the Opera and other fancy things, as well as never married no kids.  Once again it seems all he ever wanted.  Wondering if there will be little red headed babies coming along soon.


Mr. Cool

Mr. Cool married his long time on again off again Japanese lady.  She immigrated to the United States and I assume obtained her green card some time ago.  They do not intend to have children, and instead adopted a gorgeous little Dachshund and named him after one of the Beatles.  Ringo, maybe?


The Young Firefighter aka:  The Fireman

The Young Firefighter got married to an objectionable emotionally abusive woman.  (I tried to warn him but the heart wants what it wants.)  He also had a baby, not with her but some baby momma from before he got with the eventual wife.

He agreed to let the baby momma move with his son and her new husband to give their family a better life, but I’m sure that was so hard on him.  Then the marriage imploded.  He is currently fighting through the grieving and devastation that most people experience during a divorce, even if they were the one to leave like he was.

He’s really going through hell.  We talk from time to time.  He even came and stayed a weekend, and we made plans for a life together.  My kids fell in love with him all over again, and so did I.  In a lot of ways, he feels like home to me.  But he wasn’t ready, and at this point, I realize he may never be.


The Double Ds aka:  The DDs, The Dazzling Divorcees, My Wine Girls

The Sultry School Teacher  aka:  The School Teacher

Couldn’t make it work in our tiny town with wage discrepancies and trying to make co-parenting work long distance.  Had to move back to the city 7 hours away.


The Sweet Tri-Athlete

The Sweet Tri-Athlete started shacking up with an edgy truck driver ten years her junior.  She is passionately in love with him.  They got married last year.  I’m very happy for her, but sad for me.  She’s not longer a block away but instead living out in the country and I rarely see her.


The Edgy Cougar

The Edgy Cougar had a rough go of it for a while, romantically and medically.  She really struggled.  Physically and emotionally, she was probably at a good 8 on the pain scale.  She took a medical retirement and moved out of state to be near her adult children.  She seems much more content and happy to spend her days with her children and grand babies.


There will be more characters to come.  Some have remained in my life, despite not being on this list.. Like The Duke, who has had a long rough road fighting cancer, getting divorced and is now finally in the process of retiring from the military.  There will be new characters as well.   Stay tuned…

Published in: on June 7, 2018 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  

It’s Been a Brutal Week

Dear Readers, followers, friends,

Well, in trying to get the blog back in to full swing, I missed my Thursday publishing.  I’d like to get back to where I was, publishing twice a week on Tuesday and Thursday like clockwork but it just wasn’t in the cards this week.

This was a brutal week.  To those of you who don’t know me or don’t remember me… I am a single Mom.  Been single going on 12 years now.  This time of year is particularly difficult as I begin to feel buried in all the tasks screaming for my attention in the house and in the yard.  Plus, it’s nearing the end of school so the kids are on edge with finals and everything…

And now, I’ve found out that two of my people (and I don’t have a lot of people) are moving away.  One of my closest friends will be moving 5 hours south in about two weeks and near the same time, the man I’m madly in love with will be transferring out of our office for good.

This is all quite a lot to work through, and really just the tip of the iceberg.  All this week I have cried and cried and cried, and laughed and felt proud, and frustrated and irritated and concerned and angry and overwhelmed and grateful.  It’s been a week of raw, intense life.

So, forgive me my missed publication and please keep following…




Published in: on June 5, 2018 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  

An Odd Thing


Written 5 years ago but for some reason, never published…


An odd thing happened to me the other day…  I had a dream about The Ambassador… a really weird dream.  There was a bunch of stuff that happened.  There were other people in the dream, including his BFF The Goofy Musician, but mostly what I remember is he felt weird to me.  The whole connection between he and I was like-  gone.

In the dream, I was completely mystified.  How could that chemistry just disappear?  How could he feel like a stranger to me?  In the dream I even said as much to The Ambassador, but he just shrugged it off.  He wasn’t acting any differently than usual…  it just felt different.

I woke up really sad.  I felt defeated.  I can feel him slipping away and I realized that in the dream, it wasn’t him who was weird necessarily, but that my feelings had changed.  That’s what the dream was about.  In real life, I feel myself healing, getting stronger and not hurting so much over him.  I guess that has me feeling even more like I’m losing him.

Well, it seems my heart and soul aren’t about to let that happen so my subconscious kicked in he exploded in to my dreams.  Now I’ve had this warmth in my heart for him ever since.

I drive through town smiling and thinking things like..  That’s where he was the first time I saw him riding his mountain bike.  I couldn’t see him very well, and wasn’t sure it was him– but he spotted me too and emailed me when he got home.

Today I took my morning walk through my neighborhood instead of at the park, music humming in my ears, and I found myself doing the same thing..  Smiling and thinking warmly…  That’s where he randomly chatted up that old man while we were out for a walk.  That’s the crappy apartment he lived in when he first moved to town.  We walked past here a couple of days after we broke up.  That’s where the guy that runs the coffee stand lives.  The Ambassador seemed to know all about his life even though they weren’t necessarily friends.  It feels like I’m living a movie montage.

We fell in love all over this town.

I still miss him and think about him everyday but I can feel myself healing.  I feel lighter somehow.  Even though I miss him, I haven’t contacted him.  Somehow I know if there will every be anything else between us, he’s going to have to be the one to come back around.  So, I am just going on with my life but I have to say–  I don’t mind the warm memories.

Published in: on May 29, 2018 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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No More Waiting…?

Written some time probably 5 or so years ago and for some reason, never yet published…


So lately I have been a bit lonely and sort of starved for social interaction. Luckily I have been placed with totally awesome and amazing shift partner lately. That helps, and I am having some friends help me do a little work on one of the rooms in my house so it can be rented out. I have heard a roommate can really help the lonelies… So, we are moving forward. Even making some progress with my medical issues.

Still, my heart wants a partner as it always has.

Recently, The Ambassador of Ambiguity has come back in to my life. We’ve been texting or talking about every few days and he’s visited a couple times. He’s always telling me he wants to take me to dinner, or maybe come to church with me. His hugs are never the friendship pat, but long lingering moments wrapped in his arms. Still, he’s the same rubber band man that he has always been. 35 years old and he doesn’t know who he is or what he wants. I see him searching for meaning and purpose in his life, and we talk about it.. but instead of growing in that direction, he seems to continually stay the same.

The other day I texted him asking how his weekend was going and he replied that he was watching some college kids “get drunk!!!” So, apparently he had driven over an hour and a half from his house to the nearest college town to… what?… chase college girls and tempt his sobriety?

In the last year I have grown so much, and am so thankful for that. I feel solid in what my values are and what carries meaning for me in life. I have peace in my soul like never before. My eyes are wide open, and I am soaking up the time I have while my children are small, to guide them and teach them.

This growth, however, leaves me disappointed at The Ambassador these days. Honestly, that text from The Ambassador hit my launch sequence. I was so pissed. He’s apparently the old guy in the club creepin’ on the college girls? Hanging around feeling like he’s in a Girls Gone Wild video?

The last 6 years since he’s gotten sober, he’s come a long way and made himself a hell of a career– So what does he do with it? Buy a crap load of toys and complain that he’s unhappy with his life. How many times can I tell him, the toys can’t love him back.

In my heart, the best thing I can do with my life is love and care for the people God puts in my path… but The Ambassador seems to remain alone by choice.

I don’t know, I guess I am just frustrated that he can not seem to make a decision in his personal life. I still love him but I want to be with a man that can make a decision, lead his family– who isn’t afraid to take on responsibility because he knows that along with it comes infinite rewards.

I was chatting with my fabulous shift partner about this, and she said maybe I was being too available to him. In my flash of anger, I agreed and said “he’s cut off!”

Then as I thought about it, I realized my reaction to his behavior was more than just frustration with him but also combined with my recent loneliness. I also thought, “why do I have to play these games?” I don’t play games with The Duke. I say how I feel. Same with Mr.Cool, The Young Firefighter, The stalkerish Mr. X. I don’t want to play cat and mouse, or hard to get in order to elicit some response from him… and I won’t. I need to just be me.

So, my fabulous shift partner offered to talk to some people and see about a good guy to set me up with. I agreed. “I’m open to that” I replied.

I’m not sure where to go from here. There doesn’t seem to be any single guys at church or at work. I don’t work with the public, so I rarely meet new people. The college classes offered at our junior college here in town always conflict with my work schedule. I’ve just got to be myself and maybe try to be more active.

The thought of going back to online dating turns me off. I don’t want to put up an electronic billboard and advertise myself, or look through men’s profiles like it’s some kind of catalogue. Plus, you never know what you’re going to get online, AND I don’t want to jump in fast.

Published in: on May 29, 2018 at 12:29 am  Comments (2)  

I’m Back, Baby! And things have changed.

It been over 5 years since I wrote my last blog post and so much has changed.  SO much that I had many times gone back and forth over whether to attempt to revive this fabulous blog.  I don’t do online dating anymore.  I don’t date at the brisk pace i once used to.  In fact, for long stretches I don’t date at all.. or if I do, I may find myself in a dalliance with a married man.

I’m committed to meeting someone organically.  I just can’t continue to get my hopes up meeting someone and then have them dashed over and over again.  It takes a massive amount of energy to maintain those online accounts and message people, reply to messages, set up dates and times to meet, only then to see the person for 5 seconds before you realize they are not a match for you.  It could be anything..  The way he walks or talks or a smidge of attitude that makes you go “oh no, sister, we’ve seen that before.  uh uh, no thanks.”  It could be how liberal he is or how intelligent he is not.  All things that you would immediately know about a person had you met them organically but not so much online.

After five years, my cast of characters has drastically changed.  Many people have gotten married and even started families.  One is even married and divorced with a baby from another woman in between.  So, I’ll get to telling those stories to catch up.

My life is still a kaleidoscope of experiences and unusual extraordinary people.   I have some fun being the dirty mistress at times, or dating someone and sharing stories about our crazy narcissistic ex spouses.  I’m still fighting with my ex-husband, by the way.  12 years and it’s worse than ever.   And, I have discovered a very curious pattern in my romantic life over the last few years.

Oh, I still have stories to tell.  Stand by to Stand by….

Published in: on May 26, 2018 at 12:17 am  Leave a Comment  


b&w couchI’ve been such a hermit since I had that episode and missed five weeks of work and all. Well, now I’ve got some meds managing the anxiety pretty well and I feel like I am ready to re-enter the social world…. but what to do?

I am on this stupid graveyard shift and it is SO isolating. While I’m awake and working, the rest of the world is asleep– then I sleep away all the daylight hours. When I do wake up to get ready for work, I usually message with the Duke a bit… and today was a bit rough.

We are both in lonely places and wishing we were closer, but a myriad of circumstances prevents that. Still, sometimes he paints a picture of something like laying on a blanket in his arms under a tree… and I can’t help but picture it. Unfortunately, I think this just makes things harder. It was a lonely day today.

Thank God for my dog… I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have that fuzzy little love bug following me around to snuggle with me every second I’m home.

I miss the company of a man. I miss having strong arms around me and the strength in his personality. I miss touches, hugs, caresses and kisses. I miss companionship, talking for hours on end, and sex… boy do I miss sex.

I figured out today that I have gone for more than a year in my state of voluntary celibacy. I could break the pact. If I’m so in need of the company of a man and all that, there are places I could go and people I could see…. but I’m not just looking for someone. I’m looking for THE one.

Published in: on March 21, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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Communications Resume with The Ambassador

couchWell, he’s reappeared again… The Ambassador of Ambiguity. It’s been 10 months since he moved away and are things any different? I don’t know, but I’m different. I don’t feel scared to say what I really feel anymore and I’m committed to doing that on a regular basis. I have told him I love him and miss him and I don’t think we ever should have broken up in the first place.

He still hates it down in the city and misses our little town. His best buddy is still here… and me, of course.

He’s been flirtatious and sweet… and started making plans to drive the two hours up here and take me to dinner.

The first time he tried that, it seemed like every force in the universe was trying to prevent it. Both my kids stayed home sick, my babysitter bailed, and then it started snowing.

Where I live, when it snows, there is crash after crash, there are chains required, and freeways closed. So… the deal was off.

When he did make it in to town the next week and stopped by we had a terrific visit. I was lying around on the couch with a raging headache but I was glad to see him none the less. We sat together on the couch for a while… I laid my aching head in his lap. There were tons of lingering hugs, and he fixed the stereo he gave me so long ago.

We made loose plans for the next visit, and he started talking about a wedding he is going to and the subsequent vacation days he’ll be taking.

It was a fantastic visit. I went to work smiling like the Cheshire cat. I felt like “Ahh.. he’s my guy!”

Maybe I was just high on hugs. I don’t know, but we’ve been talking nearly every day since.

He sent me his vacation days and talked about going to the coast but didn’t out right invite me. We just sort of flirted back and forth about it. So, we shall see what comes of it, if anything.

I was pretty jazzed at first, but he seems quieter since that last conversation. I’m not holding my breath. I’m doing what I can to get well, and get my own life in order and take care of my great kids.

God is going to send the one who is meant for me… Maybe it’s The Ambassador, maybe it’s not. Just moving forward and doing my best to stay positive.

Published in: on March 19, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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The Duke Has Been Deployed

It’s been about 2 and a half months now since The Duke climbed on to a military plane and flew halfway around the world for a year long deployment.

If you remember my earlier story about Duke, then you know that we met when we first joined the Marines and he was dating a friend of mine. Then he served a year in Japan where they had broken up and when he returned I went to see him. We had a pretty romantic night together, but minus the hanky panky.. Still one of the absolutely most memorable nights of my life.

Duke and I lost touch for a long time… about 15 years in fact. Then he found me on facebook and we started talking again and haven’t stopped since.

We were good friends back then and now fit back in to each other lives so naturally. We know each ohers core. We respect and care about each other and have managed to share all sorts of secrets honestly and without judgement.

We have been getting closer over this last year to year and a half… however long it has been, texting often and talking on the phone. We poured out our hearts and our tears and all our frustrations with daily life, as well as trying to balance our careers, and relationships.

In so many ways, he’s just what a man should be. Strong and passionate, romantic and protective and he’s crazy about me.

So, all this would be very exciting except that The Duke is married. I’ve been hearing since day one how things are miserable and terrible and awful at home but he hasn’t left her, has he?

We have been messaging pretty much every day and feeling as close as ever… In fact, today the conversation really turned romantic and I had to put the brakes on.

He wants to make a pact that when he returns from deployment, if I am not with anyone and he and the wife break up, we’ll be together. I am hesitant to make any kind of pact. I don’t want to be a factor in anyone’s marriage breaking up. A divorce is such a nightmare. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and I have talked to the Duke about this. I don’t think he realizes how much he’s giving up. Not just financially but also in not having his every days with his son anymore.

Still, I have love for this man and have for a long time. We were always close friends, anytime we’ve been in each other’s lives but we are talking about a family here.

I do believe that sometimes a marriage becomes so bad, and one partner refuses to try to make the marriage any better– the only option left is to go your own way.

Still, once again, I don’t want to be a factor in that situation at all. If it all happened that way, of course I would give it a go with The Duke… but even that has it’s risks. I mean, even though we have been close emotionally, there are so many things he doesn’t know about me… Like I’m messy and really a homebody– while he is not. He has such a BIG life with his career and his non-profit organization and publicity events. My life is simple and small.

I don’t know that our lifestyles are compatible, not to mention I am not leaving this really small town, so he’d have to come here and there is no work. Of course he’ll be retired then with a decent pention, but his ex-wife would be drawing half of that, not to mention half of the rest of his assets.

Just things bouncing around in my head. For now that plan is to just keep talking… being friends… and to keep praying.

Published in: on March 14, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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Loss of a Loyal Furry Friend



About 2 months ago, before I got sick… I lost one of my dearest friends. I’ve never been one to go overboard with pets like some. Spoiling them with ridiculous bling and carrying them around like accessories. I mean, come on!

I also don’t think people should adopt pets and then leave them alone trapped in the back yard or on a chain either. They are animals… but they are also members of the family. I guess I am kinda middle of the road on things like that.

I got my girl, Wiggles, just after my separation from the ex-husband. She was my friend and companion. I was really struggling living on my own half the time (when sharing custody), the first time not living with another adult human EVER.

Wiggles was my friend. She followed where ever I went. She was sweet and compliant… her only indulgence was chasing my cats and scaring the bejesus out of them. She was a smooth fox terrier and just had that pursuit gene wired in to her brain.

She especially enjoyed this pastime in the middle of the night. I can’t tell you how many nights I was startled awake and jumping out of bed to find her running like a maniac through my apartment. Took a little time to break her of that. In fact, she had to spend a few nights out in the yard to accomplish it.

She was a quiet little portly black and white smooth fox terrier with a heart-shaped black spot on her back. She was about 10 years old when we got her, and started out very timid when we met her at the shelter. Yet, as we loved on her and helped her feel more secure and comfortable, she warmed up.

She spent much time prancing around with red polish on her toe nails. She always walked like she was wearing high heels and her long nails clip clopped and sounded just like them.

When we brought our second dog in to the family… a Chihuahua-Doxie mix puppy, Wiggles really came alive. She mothered on him and played with him and seemed delighted to have a furry companion of her own. She stayed that way until just a couple of days before she died.

About 6 months ago, we had a scare in the middle of the night. We were sleeping in bed, and she started to get up and move around some. Then, in the darkness, I thought she had accidentally fallen off the bed. The sound was odd though. I didn’t hear her scramble to her feet, but I did hear an odd rhythmic sound. I jumped out of bed and saw my girl in a full on seizure. Thank God the kids weren’t home.

I did my best to comfort her. Afterward, she was dizzy and disoriented and I gave her loads of attention and put her to bed. The next day we visited the vet.

He ran all kinds of tests and determined that she was fine, but the seizure could have been caused by a slow-growing brain tumor. She had a couple other fatty tumors on her torso, so he thought it was a possibility. He also said it could have been just a fluke and she might never had another seizure again.

She never did have another seizure, but as time went on I thought I heard some labored breathing from time to time and then came the day when she woke up dizzy.

She was shaking her head and unsure about hopping off the bed in the morning. I was thinking she was getting old and started looking up possibilities that could cause it.

When I returned from work, she was more wobbly… in fact I had to help her out to the bathroom. Thats when I called to see about the vet… Still, before I could get her in she was gone.

It was a huge shock. In a couple of days she went from her fine and fun and playful self, to not being able to walk. That’s when I realized she wouldn’t make it through the night.

As I held her, I was sure the brain tumor had paralyzed her. She was awake and alert but her body was completely relaxed. She was always a funny sort, and never liked to be picked up or held. If you picked her up, she went all stiff and her legs shot straight out. Not today… Today she was like a newborn baby in my arms molding to my body.

I held her and rocked her. I cried desperately and told her what a good dog she was and what a wonderful friend and part of our family she had been. Then I laid her on her bed, and called for the kids from their Dads so they had a chance to say good-bye to her.

We cried and cried and petted her and slathered her with love… Wrapped her in our favorite softest blanket we had and told her all the wonderful things our hearts could hold.

I took the kids back to their fathers for the night and came home to be with my wonderful dear friend. I turned down the lights and laid on the couch watching her. Just a few minutes after I turned down the lights and the whole world got quiet, she vomited and I heard her agonal breathing start.

My soul was aching and I was sobbing and praying to God to take her fast… “If you are going to take her, God, please take her fast.” Then I stroked her and talked quietly to her until her spirit left her body. Then I sat and stared for the longest time, breathing in the silence.

Then I realized I needed to bury her. I felt all numb. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do without a partner. It was pouring down rain and she’d gone down hill so fast that I hadn’t planned where I would put her.

I considered calling my Pastor or another friend from church to help me but it was the middle of the night and they all have their own families to take care of… So, in my grief, I put on my rain coat and boots, marched out to her favorite spot in the back yard and just started to dig.

I was emotional to the point of vomiting but I managed to lay her to rest. I don’t know why I needed to go through all that alone, but I do know God was there with me… wetting the ground with the rain to make my task just a little lighter.

I love you Wiggles girl… You are sorely sorely missed.

Published in: on March 12, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (12)  
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