Wading Through It

more love!!

more love!!

Every day has just been miserable lately. I’m drowning in mood swings, anxiety, fear, cold spells, complete loss of appetite, fatigue…. and on and on.. a whole slew of symptoms conspiring to just straight wreck my life.

This morning I get up and I can not get the fire going to save my life. For some reason the bath is barely luke warm, which is no fun when lately, I’m pretty much freezing all the time anyway. I’m so depressed… I sit in the tub and cry.

I somehow pull it together, take a chill pill and go to work. When I get there though, I am feeling quite emotional. I find my nurse friend there changing shifts and I am sure that was God’s design. I badly needed to hear what she had to say. She talked to me about an incredible internist she had recommended to me. Although that Doc sounded amazing, I just wasn’t sure I could swing it. She doesn’t bill our insurance and charges $160 an hour for an office visit. PLUS, she practices in a town that’s about a 40 minute drive in to the snowy mountains. Damn, I can barely handle the anxiety I have just driving 2 miles to work in the snow. *sigh*

Still, my nurse friend pressed about this internist and I decided I would certainly google her and call to try and get an appointment. “You need her because she’ll look at everything. If there is something wrong, she’ll find it… and I really think it’s more than just the progesterone.”

I was so shocked. I felt like no one else on the planet believed that but me. The Nurse has been with me through this whole thing. She knows the kind of symptoms I should experience coming off the progesterone, or if the progesterone was too high a dose. She knows what level my anxiety was at when I started to investigate this stuff five months ago, and she knows what I am going through now.

She even offered to go to the appointment with me. (even though she knows how wierd I am about riding in the car with other people.. she put it out there. I cried.) I SO BADLY needed the affirmation she gave me. It was like a long relaxing breath. I hugged her tight and she was on her way home.

As my other shift partners and I chatted about my internal chaos, another of them offered to drive me in her 4 wheel drive. She also knew about my wierd quirk not wanting to ride in the car with someone else. This made me laugh… of course with tears in my eyes. Much crying these days.

I worked a half a day and then came home and had a seriously crazy productive sick day. I reminded myself that I committed to resolving this imbalance, whatever it was and that means investing time and money. Whatever it takes. So I pulled some money out of my retirement account to cover any costs I might incur, and marched ahead.

I filled out intake forms for the Incredible Internist, who, from her website, looks to be the asian medical Sherlock Holmes with pig tails and a smile. My kinda gal… got the forms sent off attached to a short email that would pull at anyone’s heart strings. I even called for an appointment, but had to leave a message.

Also filled out forms for another Doc who will hopefully become my primary care physician here locally. I haven’t had a primary care physician since I was pregnant. If I was sick or something, I went to the walk in clinic. Turns out a primary care Doc is like insurance… You need one just in case. Who knew? lol

Then I filled out a giant stack of forms to hopefully get re-imbursed for all the therapy sessions with my counselor who won’t bill my insurance either… and sent em off.

*sigh* Feels good to have that stuff taken care of.

I have to say.. I miss writing about love, romance and relationships but in this place on my journey… I just can’t deal with that. I can’t imagine meeting someone, or even having a certain someone come back around. I can barely handle getting to work in the morning. Everything feels anxious and scary to me. I can’t even fathom taking my clothes off with someone. The way my adrenaline has been pumping, I might actually scream and run! (That says a LOT if you know what a naughty girl I am. lol)

I’ll get back there some day though… probably sooner than I think. Right???

Published in: on January 1, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (6)  
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Scrambled Egg Brains Persist

At this point all my projects are completely on hold. My brain is so foggy and it’s so impossible to concentrate, I can’t read or write the blog or do my “Captivating” workbook.

In the last post I mentioned a Super Charged Panic Attack… The worst I’ve ever had, well… I had another about a week later that put that one to shame, and this one happened AT WORK. That freaked me the hell out. I mean, I work emergency situations. I’m manning the radio one minute and the next minute I’m screaming at the Supervisor to take over. My stomach was freaking out and I ran in to the bathroom. In addition to my bowel chaos, I was experiencing the most horrific panic attack I could possibly imagine.

Even with meds for my stomach and to chill me out, it took me like an hour and a half just to calm down enough to leave work to go home sick. Luckily, we were staffed that day, but there are plenty of other days when that’s not the case and there’s no supervisor on duty to yell at.

Even the next day I was shaking and feeling awful, so I called in to work. I got it in to my head that maybe my heart was causing the problems, so I went to see the Doc again. They found nothing abnormal. Big surprise, since I had to take plenty of chill pill meds just to be able to get myself to go over there in there first place.

I was just so distraught… scared. Frustrated. I’ve been going to the walk in clinic here in our little town for years… I mean, I rarely get sick and so had no reason to find myself a regular doctor. Now, I’m trying to find one, or get in the OBGYN I haven’t seen in years and years… all I keep hearing is 3 or 4 weeks.

My therapist was going to call the internist and try to get me in earlier, but when I called to chat with him about it, we kind of got in to an argument. I started to become really upset trying to explain the frustration I was feeling in trying to book myself an appointment and he actually says “I need you to use your adult voice”.

I was so angry and offended. How condescending is that? AND with all the hormonal and whatever other possibly thyroid or adrenal issues I’ve grappling with — that’s like demanding that a diabetic STOP his glucose from rising. I was pissed.

The whole thing ended badly and I called my Mom. She, of course, just told me she understands. She’s been through something similar. She loves me and everything will be ok.

After being able to get my emotions out, I could finally take a breath and try to make a plan about what to do.

Right now… my life just feels like an enormous anxious mess.

Published in: on December 27, 2012 at 5:48 pm  Comments (7)  
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Short Relationship Reads

As I have scrambled egg brains these days, due to the hormone hysteria my body is experiencing… I thought I’d share some of the interesting short reads I’ve come across online.

Here’s one about men and emotional intimacy…

“With world population well over six billion, it seems strange to think anyone could be lonely” — a quote from this next article “Celebrating Love Without Limits”

Living Single in a Marriage Minded society

How to Choose a Life Partner

Great Expectations: The Soul Mate Quest

Happy surfing everyone!

Published in: on December 20, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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***Under Pressure***

Balance your hormones, balance your life!

Balance your hormones, balance your life!

So, I am dealing with the standard holiday times stresses, worries about heating costs and shopping and wrapping gifts… only this year I get to do it while on a completly horrifying hormone highway to hell.

I had been noticing a few little things here and there… like not being able to focus. Remember my previous post talking about starting tasks and then not finishing them completely? Then all of sudden it hit me like surprise junk punch— I had the most insane crazed panic attack I’ve ever experienced when I was supposed to be headed to my daughter’s dance recital.

I called my therapist and had an emergency intervention. This was an incredibly powerful panic attack, and the first one I can ever remember where I was actually full on in tears.. wracked with sobs. We did a couple little excercises to try to burn off some of the excess energy flowing through my viens.. then burned up the rest of the time with me rattling off my syptoms. It was SO SO incredibly uncomfortable… I was just crawlin’ out of my skin. SUPER SONIC ANXIETY — The Heebee Jeebs, for sure! It was awful…

As my therapist watched me pacing, and crying– he suggested it might be a hormone issue. This later sparked conversation with my incredible shift partners at work and one of them lent me “Hormone Balance Made Simple” by Dr. John Lee.

It took me a couple days but I finally realized what was happening. In July I started a progesterone cream my Doc recommended but it was an enormous 200 mg dose. The book said that if you take an over dose of progesterone cream, you will initially start seeing an improvement in the symptoms… but then at some point that stops and it excacerbates your imbalance. THAT is what was happening to me!

The lack of concentration just got way worse… The anixety was absolutely intolerable… super sonic! This kind of panic must be what people feel when they go crazy inside a hospital ER knocking things over and screaming and eventually being tackled and given a stiff shot of Haldol! It feels like a crazed emergency in side your chest!

Luckily I had a few Xanax but they just were cutting it so I went back to my Physician Assistant to talk about getting some help. What a nightmare that was… If I had come in unkempt, they probably would have thought me to be a homeless unmedicated schitzophrenic. I paced through the waiting room, avoiding eye contact, rocking back and forth… I did let them know I was having incredibly high anxiety, but even knowiing that — I musta looked nuts!

He gave me another prescription for a little stronger chill pill… Then I finally heard back from the people at the hormone clinic who had prescriped the overdose, and they advised I stop taking the cream for a week… then start again at a half dose.

I think this will give my body time to burn off the excess progesterone and hopefully find some balance with the much smaller dose.

For now I am a droopy eyed, slightly sedated woman who can’t concentrate. I don’t mind feeling sedated considering the Heebee jeebies as an alternative. *shivers* So, now I have to catch up on my life in this state.

You see, it takes an awful lot of energy to be this anxious so I had been exhausted and unable to pry my ass off the couch to clean up the last couple weeks.

Second day off the progesterone I managed to get most of the cleaning done. Next day I worked a 12 hour shift and made a dent in Christmas shopping. Today I managed to finish all the main gift buying… Now just a couple details left to pick up.. plus some family pix and christmas cards.

I just keep putting one groggy foot in front of the other… but beware… if you see a tiny little pixie of a zombie coming towards you in Walmart, don’t shoot.. It’s only me.

Published in: on December 18, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (8)  
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Fret not, Dear Readers!

Once again… I have missed several of my own publishing deadlines. My apologies. I have been climbing an uphill battle these days. While the holidays are stressful for me, but lately I feel like I’ve been walking through knee deep mud. I just can’t get anything done.

Turns out my hormones are completely freaking out and losing thier minds, causing all manner of bizzare symptoms… including an allergy to any and all christmas shopping.

More to come… my friends, fellow artists and bloggers… Maybe click on one of the topics in the “word cloud” on the lower right hand side of the screen. Maybe you’ve find an interesting post you never knew existed!

I am revving back up and will continue on a regular schedule but shrinking down just a bit, to two times a week. Tuesdays and Thursdays at 9am.

Hugs and love…

Published in: on December 14, 2012 at 3:09 pm  Comments (4)  

Things That Give Me **Pause**

inner struggleSome of the things that gave me pause after reading my girlfriends Big Fat Christian Love Story was… First of all…  First and foremost…  what if it works?!!  *gasp*  Do I really want to get married again?  Truthfully, folks, I’m slightly terrified at the thought of it.

I think maybe that’s a bridge I’ll have to cross when I come to it.  Not only am I growing, healing and changing everyday but maybe I can’t know how I’ll feel once I am in that relationship.  I know how I want to feel… but maybe it’s just one of those things where you’ll know it when you see it.. or feel it in this case.

Next, I’ve always heard the phrase “you wouldn’t drive a car without test driving it first, would you?”  To marry someone without EVER having slept with that person seriously freaks me out.  Now, it wouldn’t be such a big deal if it were someone who I had previously played with but otherwise… errrr… ummm..  I don’t know about that.

Even my mother said “Take my advice, Dear…  NEVER wait til you’re married.”  lol…  Moms aren’t supposed to say that!

Next up… if “divorce is not an option”, then doesn’t that give someone kind of free license to walk all over you and treat you like crap?  Or ignore you and your needs or wants or requests, thinking “ahh, she’ll never leave.”  I hate that idea because there are a ton of things we can’t control in this life, like other people, but I can control me.  I may not be able to persuade him to stop drinking or gambling us in to the poor house, but I can choose to leave.  Now I’m supposed to give that up?  Just put up with anything he throws my way?

I have read some guy bloggers that talk about the three As.  The three As are the only time a divorce should be considered… They are abuse, addiction, and adultery.  I can’t quite get on board with that either though.  I think couples can work through anything (those things too) if there are two willing partners… but what isn’t willing?

What if one partner refuses to try to improve things?  What if you are miserable and he just doesn’t give a rat’s ass?  What if there is complete neglect?  Is that a form of abuse?  What if it feels like you live with a stranger because she’s a work-a-holic?  Does that count as an addiction?

What if she’s shopping you in to bankruptcy and homelessness?  What if she just keeps doing it, no matter how many cards you cut up or check books you take away?  You can’t chain her up in the basement.  What are you supposed to do?  What if it’s been going on for a decade and the shop-a-holic refuses to even discuss the issue?  After all, why should she?  You’ve already told her “divorce is not an option” so she just figures you’ll never leave anyway!

So, lets say we would count that as a shopping addiction…  Shopping is an addiction now?  Then where do we draw the line?  Welcome to my internal struggle.

*Sigh*  I guess maybe that’s part of trusting God… fully surrendering.   Hmmm..  maybe it’s not God I don’t trust though… it’s men.  Ooooh, that sounded bad but it is part of the therapy stuff I’m working through right now.  Wish me luck, blogger friends…. because I have a feeling that once I work through this particular area in therapy, I’ll have the answers to the questions here as well.

Published in: on December 9, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (4)  
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Stalled on Relationship Road

excuses, excuses

excuses, excuses

Ok, peeps…  My apologies for this late published post.  It’s the first time in a very, very long time that I’ve not posted on schedule.  Three times a week.. Tues, Thurs, Sun 9am.  Usually, I have posts lined up to publish, sometimes 6 weeks ahead.  Not today though.

Lately, I’ve been working through a lot of really intense feelings about men, women and relationships.  I’ve been working through a lot of hurts left over from my divorce and childhood…  Daddy issues, divorce and abandonment issues…  BIG stuff.  Well, I keep getting part way through a particular defining moment and then sidetracked and derailed…   then comes the procrastination.

This pattern seems to be happening in several areas of my life.  For instance, the house work.  I’ve been putting it off a bit, but then I’ll work on it some but never get fully caught up.  Stalled, until it feels chaotic and a bit overwhelming.

I find that I’ve got so much to worry about these days… with the winter weather, and holidays coming and all.  It’s a lot for a single Mom to manage.  Remember last year?  https://search4asoulmate.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/a-single-moms-december/

Especially with children expecting the magic of Santa.  That’s a lot of pressure on a single mom!  Today I joked with my shift partners that I shoulda broke the news to the kids all at once—  “Kids, we’re leaving your father…  and by the way there’s no Santa!”

I can’t help thinking it’s all related.  I feel like I’ve got pregnancy brain… so many things to worry about that my sponge is full and things are getting forgotten.  AND it’s a vicious cycle, because the more I forget, the more stressed I feel, the more I forget… etc etc.

I think that’s why I’ve procrastinated the dang blog posts until I eventually just ran out of time.  With all these overwhelming issues, I feel stalled on relationship road.  In more ways than one.  I haven’t had a date in like 6 months… haven’t even been asked out on a date in all that time either.  *rolls eyes*  Talk about stalled.

I’m choosing it though.  I chose to take myself off the market, hunker down and do this therapy stuff.  I have to remind myself some time.  I guess I’m also choosing when I procrastinate or leave chores half-finished too.

Anyways….  There’s all my excuses for missing my own deadline.  lol.   Catch you Sunday!

Published in: on December 6, 2012 at 4:32 pm  Comments (2)  
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A Big Fat Christian Love Story

As I’ve been growing and growing and growing like crazy in my spiritual walk, I have decided I want to do the whole relationship thing a totally different way this time.  I want to do it God’s way… whatever that means.

For all my life I have watched people trying to do the dating, relationship and marriage thing the way the world does it…  and fail miserably at it, myself included.  In the people I know and love, I see more failing than succeeding.

So, I set about trying to figure out what that means.  I searched the bible and read and read about marriage and sex before marriage and all kinds of stuff related to that.  I found that often when I was googling questions I saw the same scripture verse recycled over and over again, interpreted to mean what they wanted it to mean.  I saw people with blog posts who were WAY too conservative to align with my beliefs.  I read a few that cause me to choke on my coffee and exclaim “that’s just ridiculous!” out loud.

In trying to settle my thoughts and beliefs on this issue, I realized…  I had no idea what a “christian” love story even looks like.. for me, I mean.  I’m no 20 year old girl raised by super holy rollers.  That I can visualize, but I am a 35 year old double divorcee!

The way our culture does relationships…  dating, sex, relationship, live together, engagement, marriage…  That I can picture.  I’ve seen it happen a thousand times over, but what is the alternative?

I asked a few people and didn’t get much help, although my girlfriend The Pastor’s Wife did offer a valuable tidbit.  “It has to be a Christian” she said… and boy is she right, because no one else is going to want to do this.  lol.

So far, what I do know is I want to remain celibate until marriage, and no living together in between.  These two things alone are pretty scary to me.  I realize it is shrinking my dating pool down significantly, but I don’t want to date a lot of people… just the right one.

Next thing you know I see a christian divorcee girlfriend of mine post on Facebook that she is getting remarried.  I trust her and she and I have been through a lot.  I’ve known her for years.  I’ve known her as my customer, my bank teller, my co-worker, my employee, my friend.  We have talked through marriage, emotional abuse, custody issues, leaving your husband, moving out-of-state.  I even gave her a shining reference for her new job in a new state after she chose to leave.

Since we had been through all this… I decided I could spray her with questions and not feel badly about it at all.

Her reply to me was this…

-Is he a christian? Yes he is. Though a new Christian. He has jumped right in and is volunteering and is there every time the doors are open.

-How did you meet him? I met him on an online dating site. Do I recommend? No.. but it does happen.

-Is there an age difference? I am 32 he is 35

-How long have you been together? 5 months. Crazy huh? But, we just knew it was meant to be! Plus we are older and know what we are looking for. It was each other!!

-At what point did you realize this was really working out and actually headed for marriage? About 2 months into it. He was really hesitant to even get with me and be in a relationship. Once he committed it flew from there.

-How did he propose? We just decided to get married. No one really proposed. We just knew we were meant to be together for the rest of our lives.

-Does this situation feel differently than the first time around? in what way?

-How do you know this time is going to be different from the first time? (this question always comes back to me when I think about getting married again one day. How on earth will I know I’m not signing up for the same kind of heartbreak and problems I had last time?)

I prayed one day “God I just want someone who fits in my life. I am a single mom that is very busy. I work a lot, I’m active in the boys school life, I’m active in church, I have no time for a relationship. If I am ever going to get married he has to fit.” I had no area of my life I wanted to cut out or slow down. So it was going to have to be a God thing for it to work. He came around and just “fit”. He was willing and even excited to be apart of the things I was doing.

When he met my family, he was the first guy since my ex-husband my family had met, they thought.. wow this must be serious… and I wasn’t even sure it was going to be at this point. But, they fell in love with him.

The next weekend I met his family, His mom has never liked anyone he brought home, she fell in love with me and told him “she is the best thing that has ever happened to you, don’t mess it up or hurt her” and we have been one super close family ever since.

Both our families LOVE each other.. my boys ADORE him.. Cadence, God found my missing puzzle piece.. and it was him. He just “fits”.

-How do I know it’s different? Because it’s God not me.. I don’t know what the future holds. I just know divorce is not an option. I am going to work harder and be a wife to him as if I’m doing it until the Lord. My attitude is different, my beliefs are different and my approach is different. The only way Brian and I will make it for the next 10000 years, is to put Jesus first. Period!

When I finally surrendered all hurts, jealousy, pain, bitterness, and most of all unforgiveness, of myself and others, God did a miracle in me. He gave me a new heart. A heart that feels, that cries, that is merciful, soft, and has grace. I have emotions I’ve never had before. I don’t have walls or a hard anything about me anymore. I am vulnerable and I love it. I have no problem saying “wow that really hurt”. I don’t have to be tough anymore. When someone hurts me I cry.. I tell them.. then I pray. I’m not a jerk anymore.

It’s too exhausting to keep yourself locked up and out of hurts reach. God has really shown me what it is like to be human.. and I love it. He shows me people through his eyes and it is amazing how different people are than how they portray themselves.

Soooo…  that’s it.  My girl’s big fat christian love story.  I can picture it now.  I was also struck because it sounds like she has gone through a lot of the same healing that I’ve been going through.  I understand getting my emotions back, and the crying… Oh, so much crying over the past few months!

Much to think about though.  A few of the things in her reply kind of gave me pause..  more to come!

Published in: on December 4, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (1)  
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Wedding Bells for Captain Amazing

Making plans, looking at rings…  He’s really doing it.  Captain Amazing is going to tie the knot with his Mz. Perfect.

When I texted the news to The Ambassador, he said “I thought they broke up”…  Well, they did.  Then got back together, then broke up then back together.  *sigh*  Well, you know what they say–   never give up on someone you can’t stop thinking about.

They were together for quite some time in the town they both grew up in.  They grew up in the same kind of atmosphere.. close families, affluent families.  They are both very active, very athletic.  Capt. Amazing told me he’ll never find anyone who’s a better match for her than him.

On that last point, to tell you the truth, I’m skeptical.  I’m not a big fan of Mz. Perfect but I see why he loves her.  Still, Capt. Amazing and I have been having some very serious, very deep conversations about this huge life decision.  He is absolutely one of the closest friends I’ve ever had throughout my life.  I love him and I know he is a responsible human… capable, bright, intelligent, talented… but I also love him enough to ask the hard questions.

I wish, when I was making big, life altering choices someone would have asked me “are you sure?”  I wish someone would have drawn me out and invited me to process my thoughts with them.

I was so happy to be able to have this conversation with him without obsessing over how I was saying it or whether I should say anything.  I just said it, but I know my friendship with Capt. Amazing is definitely a safe one.  I was proud of that…  I think it’s a sign of my growth.

I also found that Capt. Amazing’s news was bringing up some questions of my own that I wrestle with…

For instance, he and Mz. Perfect will not be having a wedding… no extravagant affair… in fact, almost no affair at all.  Since, it’s not the first marriage for either of them, they plan to go to the courthouse and get ‘er done.

My own issues with this bubbled to the surface.  “It’s a big deal,” I said “it should feel like a big deal.”  So, how do you create that sort of feeling, but without 200 guests and many many dollars spent on flowers, and invitations, and all the like?

They are also planning to get married within a month of the time they become officially engaged.  Now, he has known this woman for about 2 years, so…  In that case, as long as you have known each other a long enough time, how long should an engagement last?

Is it true that…  We are older now.  We know what we want…  so there’s no need to wait so long?

I’m not asking for cultural norms here or anything.  I just find myself thinking “how do I feel about that?”  What is my stance on that kind of situation, if it were me?

Maybe it doesn’t matter.  Maybe it’s different for every couple, but frankly, I’m a little surprised that I’m not really sure how I feel about it.  Hmmm….

Above all, mighty congratulations to the happy couple.  🙂  Love and luck!


Published in: on December 2, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (2)  
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Wild at Heart

Wild at Heart:  Discovering the secret of Man’s soul by John Eldredge.  This book is the sort of male counterpart to Captivating (which I covered in my last post).  Also a life changing book.  I wish every man I know would read this book.  I found it so incredibly insightful, and empowering.  AND–  Ladies, if you want to understand your man… or your father or your sons… check this out.

I read this book once, then the woman’s version Captivating and I am seriously thinking about going to one of the retreats they offer.  I have no doubt it would be an incredibly healing experience, but I am leary of thrusing myself in to such an emotionally intense situation with a bunch of strangers.  I do, however, intend to read both these books again and journal my way through the Captivating workbook.

Everything made so much sense to me in understanding a man’s drive for adventure, but also the withdrawal and passivity I have seen in men I’ve loved.  Amazing book!  I gained, not just a whole new understanding of the male gender but also a whole new RESPECT.  Here’s Amazon’s description:

Every man was once a boy.  And every little has dreams, big dreams,  dreams of being the hero, of beating the bad guys, of doing daring feats and rescuing the damsel in distress. Every little girl has dreams, too: of being rescued by her prince and swept up into a great adventure, knowing that she is the beauty.

But what happens to those dreams when we grow up? Walk into most churches, have a look around, and ask yourself: What is a Christian man?  Without listening to what is said, look at what you find there. Most Christian men are . . . bored.

John Eldredge revises and updates his best-selling, renowned Christian classic, Wild at Heart, and in it invites men to recover their masculine heart, defined in the image of a passionate God. And he invites women to discover the secret of a man’s soul and to delight in the strength and wildness men were created to offer.  John Eldredge is the director of Ransomed Heart Ministries.

Published in: on November 29, 2012 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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