Getting Some Answers

docSo I met with the Fantastic Eastern-Western medicine Doc the other day. I was surprised as I stepped in to her office. It was so modest. Just a tiny little two room place with an office, a tiny file room with a receptionist smashed in it, a patient room and a restroom. Nothing fancy about it at all… and buddhist flags strung all around.

She’s definitely my kind of Doctor. I heard her telling the patient before you “When you die, I want you to be happy because you have done ALL the things you wanted to do.” And that’s what it all comes down to, isn’t it?

It was amazing to get some answers. She was so crazy smart she was talking at about 100 miles and hour and although I am pretty sharp, I could barely follow her. What I did pick up, though, was that my issue is most likely a combination of a thyroid condition and imbalance of my female hormones.

Even though we sat in her office during the entire visit, she did the most thorough exam I’ve had since this thing started. In fact, I am sure she is the only Doc that actually felt my thyroid… Which seemed somewhat off to her. Bumpy, I guess. Not a good sign, but I was right about that being an issue.

She also said that my hormones estrogen and progesterone were very low… in fact, what she said as that I had barely any at all. That’s funny… all the other Docs said I was “with in normal range”.

Balance. It sounds fairly simple, but unfortunately, I doubt that will be the case. I have some more tests to do for her but I am optimistic. We are headed in the right direction.

She also noticed my iron level was extremely high. It was supposed to be within a range with like 140 at the highest, and mine was 400!!

The most distressing thing about it was that she was reading blood test that another care provider had run, and NO ONE had ever said anything to me about it. So, now the incredible Doctor is also on a mission to find the cause and resolve the iron issue as well.

*Exhale* I can’t explain the relief I felt talking to a Doctor of the mindset… anxiety is not a diagnosis, and it’s definitely not a natural state for the body to be in. There has got to be a reason.

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Published in: on March 8, 2013 at 1:30 am  Leave a Comment  
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Fret not, Dear Readers!

Once again… I have missed several of my own publishing deadlines. My apologies. I have been climbing an uphill battle these days. While the holidays are stressful for me, but lately I feel like I’ve been walking through knee deep mud. I just can’t get anything done.

Turns out my hormones are completely freaking out and losing thier minds, causing all manner of bizzare symptoms… including an allergy to any and all christmas shopping.

More to come… my friends, fellow artists and bloggers… Maybe click on one of the topics in the “word cloud” on the lower right hand side of the screen. Maybe you’ve find an interesting post you never knew existed!

I am revving back up and will continue on a regular schedule but shrinking down just a bit, to two times a week. Tuesdays and Thursdays at 9am.

Hugs and love…

Published in: on December 14, 2012 at 3:09 pm  Comments (4)  

Stalled on Relationship Road

excuses, excuses

excuses, excuses

Ok, peeps…  My apologies for this late published post.  It’s the first time in a very, very long time that I’ve not posted on schedule.  Three times a week.. Tues, Thurs, Sun 9am.  Usually, I have posts lined up to publish, sometimes 6 weeks ahead.  Not today though.

Lately, I’ve been working through a lot of really intense feelings about men, women and relationships.  I’ve been working through a lot of hurts left over from my divorce and childhood…  Daddy issues, divorce and abandonment issues…  BIG stuff.  Well, I keep getting part way through a particular defining moment and then sidetracked and derailed…   then comes the procrastination.

This pattern seems to be happening in several areas of my life.  For instance, the house work.  I’ve been putting it off a bit, but then I’ll work on it some but never get fully caught up.  Stalled, until it feels chaotic and a bit overwhelming.

I find that I’ve got so much to worry about these days… with the winter weather, and holidays coming and all.  It’s a lot for a single Mom to manage.  Remember last year?  https://search4asoulmate.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/a-single-moms-december/

Especially with children expecting the magic of Santa.  That’s a lot of pressure on a single mom!  Today I joked with my shift partners that I shoulda broke the news to the kids all at once—  “Kids, we’re leaving your father…  and by the way there’s no Santa!”

I can’t help thinking it’s all related.  I feel like I’ve got pregnancy brain… so many things to worry about that my sponge is full and things are getting forgotten.  AND it’s a vicious cycle, because the more I forget, the more stressed I feel, the more I forget… etc etc.

I think that’s why I’ve procrastinated the dang blog posts until I eventually just ran out of time.  With all these overwhelming issues, I feel stalled on relationship road.  In more ways than one.  I haven’t had a date in like 6 months… haven’t even been asked out on a date in all that time either.  *rolls eyes*  Talk about stalled.

I’m choosing it though.  I chose to take myself off the market, hunker down and do this therapy stuff.  I have to remind myself some time.  I guess I’m also choosing when I procrastinate or leave chores half-finished too.

Anyways….  There’s all my excuses for missing my own deadline.  lol.   Catch you Sunday!

Published in: on December 6, 2012 at 4:32 pm  Comments (2)  
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Maybe We Are Not So Different

This past weekend was highly emotionally charged for me.  I have been working through some of my relationship experiences and it stirred up some serious fears and frustrations.  I was so filled with anxiety and distracted that I cracked up my car even.

A bunch of things happened that affected me.  After cracking up my car, I texted The Hunky Mechanic.  He doesn’t do body work (at least not on cars– wink, wink, nudge, nudge) but I knew he could give me a referral to some guys that won’t rip me off.

I hadn’t heard from him since the talk about cellibacy so it was a little awkward at first re-establishing contact but he wasn’t angry or otherwise unhappy to hear from me either… So that was good.

Still, I know how The Mechanic’s mind works…  I freaked out a little thinking I was giving him the wrong impression.  I even called Capt. Amazing over it and he talked some sense in to me.

The Mechanic and I had a chance to catch up and during the course of that catching up he said one particular line that stands out to me.  He said “…you know, you push people away as much as you pull them in.”

He has said a few things lately that have really been intuitive.  He also said that he sensed I wasn’t ready for a committed relationship.  Of course, I immediately objected… but the truth is, he’s right.   I’m freakin’ terrified.

I was sitting in my living room at one point… writing in my journal about such things, when I looked up and saw a flash of red.

I stood and turned to look out my windows to the north.  At the stop sign on the corner I saw a red 2011 Dodge Challenger come to a stop.  My jaw dropped and I was staring in complete disbelief.  Can’t you just hear my inner dialogue saying “uhhh, I did NOT just see that”?– blink, blink.

I was jarred back to reality when my son asked what I was looking at.  I wasn’t sure how to tell him I’d just seen The Ambassador’s car drive past our house.

I started to panic and pray the he DIDN’T stop by.  He drove past the house, even though there are a hundred other ways to get around this town without doing that.  I knew he was thinking about me and that was good enough.

I texted Capt. Amazing.  He asked if the guy is stalking me.  I laughed and said he’s harmless, just dysfunctional.  I told Capt. Amazing it’s easier to watch from afar than to interact.  Then I realized, I just prayed he didn’t stop by.  Maybe we are not all that different.

Published in: on October 11, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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Alone? That’s OK

Madly fabulous woman, and terrific writer. Hope you enjoy her post!

lifeinthefarcelane

Google search the word “alone” and you’re returned approx. 5174810 pages. Of pictures in sepia or black and white, of all sorts of things: Sad faced puppies. Children. People. Skulls. Kittens. In puddles. On the edge of a pier. In the rain. With tatty teddy bears. Sad prose. Broken roses.. If one wasn’t depressed when they 1st Googled the damn word they would fast get there!

Wandering along a deserted (it was 5am) beach this morning, I was hit by the realisation that I was thoroughly enjoying being alone. This of course got me to thinking and I started to dissect the word alone.

ALONE. Say it with me: ALONE. Say it out loud: ALONE. It just sounds so negative.

Sure, there are times when the word isn’t all bad. For example: “She couldn’t have done it alone” but even THAT is effectively saying if you ARE alone you’re weak, incapable, incomplete…

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Published in: on October 4, 2012 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Judgemental Much? And Neg, Neg, Neg

I carved out some alone time with The Mechanic finally.  With my crazy schedule, I had to take a day off to do it, but I was totally stoked since I have been feeling so connected with him.  Now it’s time to see if we can have a little fun together..  be a little inappropriate.  If we can do that, we might actually fall in love… that “can’t live with out each other” kind of love.

I earn MAD amounts of time off at this job, and I can’t always get away if my shift isn’t fully staffed but right now is perfect timing.  All the elements easily came together, and BING I was given the day off!

I was excited but sort of indecisive about it.  I found myself trying to make a plan, and nothing quite seemed right.  I finally settled on subway sandwiches at the park.  I thought we’d walk the path, and do some chatting.

So many things ran through my head.  It was a good place to go, since I probably would -not- bump in to The Ambassador.  It’s such an incredibly small town, that could happen anywhere but that park is kind of my place.  It was casual and relaxing.  Plus, I was a little concerned my stupid anxiety would kick in, and I have spent a lot of time at that park so it’s a safe place for me.

I texted the plan to The Hunky Mechanic my plan.  I had checked with him a couple of times to make sure he didn’t have plans.  Made sure he was game to come out and play.  All was good but when I texted him my plan, he called me.  He told me he had already eaten, he hates subway, he’s exhausted and his feet hurt from working all day.  He was still planning to come over but…    So, I tried to go with the flow.  “Well, what did you have in mind?” I asked.  His reply….”I don’t know.”

Finally I just said “I don’t care if we stay here and play cards, as long as we don’t get back in that routine of spending all our alone time watching TV.”  He kind of stumbled on his words then.  It was awkward.  Oh well, I figured.  I’m NOT getting back in that routine.  I don’t want to spend my life that way.

After this conversation, a bunch of memories came flooding back to me.  I remembered now, this happened three years ago.  I’d make a plan.  He’d say no.  We didn’t really have a life together.  I was tagging along in his life.  Hence the feeling of just being an ass that fit in the available seat in his truck.  Fuck.

While he and I were together, we either spent time at his house eating dinner in front of the TV or doing what he wanted to do.  We went to a party with his friends.  We went 4-wheeling in his jeep twice.  –which, if ya know me at all, you know I’m not some red neck princess.  I don’t mind doing outdoorsy stuff, but…  ugh..  Sooo not me.

I also wondered how much he wanted to come out and spent time with me.  I got the impression he’d have rather been at home sitting in his Barco lounger.  I pressed on, and shook off the analyzing.

He showed up on time, and we did go to the park and walk around.  We meandered along the path not holding hands but not connecting very well.  There were a lot of awkward silences.  The conversation was forced.  There was a lot of negative.

He was quite judgemental in watching the other people at the park and even in talking about his group of friends.  Like, his one buddy is dating this gorgeous 22-year-old girl and he remarked that he was surprised because her body type is not the type he usually goes for.  He called her “thick”.   I thought–  is he fucking kidding me?  She’s thick?  What the hell?

There also seems to be a lot of rules in The Mechanic’s world.  Rules for what to eat, what to wear…. rules, rules, rules.

I did broach some subjects I had been intending to though.  I had a few things I wanted to ask him… They were about my blog, his spirituality, what he felt his purpose in life was and about his personal bucket list.

I talked about my blog again, and he made a face.  I totally called him out on it.  “You’re making a face, what’s going on?”

Mechanic:  Nothing

Cadence:  Nooo, you made that face before when I was talking about my blog.  Are you just -not- interested?

Mechanic:  No.. I..  Maybe I just don’t know enough about it.

Cadence:  Do you know what a blog is?

Mechanic:  Yeah, like a chat board?

Cadence:  No.. it’s an online journal…  I write a story about the length of a  magazine article.  People can post comments on the article, but it’s not a chat board.

He still seemed so dismissive.  I tried to explain how it’s got me writing on a regular basis.  He might as well have rolled his eyes.  I gave up.  But I felt like asking “Who the hell do you think I am?”  That I write, and what I write about…  it an integral part of who I am.

We headed back to the car.  We drove past his a church that was all lit up and the parking lot packed.  He remarked that it was a Tuesday night.  I saw my opening and I took it.  I asked him if his parents took him to church as a kid.

No, they aren’t religious.  He is baptized catholic but that’s not what he believes.  He does believe in God but I got the impression that everything else is up in the air, even Jesus and the bible.

The thing that really struck me in the conversation was the fact that he just didn’t want to talk about it.  He said that religion and politics can be hot buttons in a relationship so he just didn’t like to talk about.

You have to talk about it!  It doesn’t mean you have to agree.  I mean, he’s allowed to have his own opinion but if a couple never talks about that sort of thing, how can you really know your partner??  Those things are core beliefs!  He seemed to agree, but the conversation ended there.

We picked up some sandwiches at the grocery store.  Noooow he was hungry.  I tried to rent a movie from the Redbox but Mr. Negative piped up that he wouldn’t make it through an entire movie.  It was like 8pm.  ugh.

It’s amazing how your level of activity can affect a relationship.  I know people who are far more active than I am.  Waking earlier and going, going, going all the time, always out and about.  Capt Amazing stayed at my house this summer so we could work on the book we’re writing…  The morning he left, he was up, packed and out the door before I had even opened my eyes.

My friend Duke did a fundraiser last year and ran some 236 miles over a course of several days, then he came home and was up staining his fence the next day!  Wow, I don’t know if I could keep up with that, but I don’t want to stay at home all the time and go to bed before 10 every night either.

We went back to my house and ate… then I finally gave in and turned on the TV.   We had pretty much run out of things to talk about.  After that chat about spirituality I figured it was pretty much a lost cause going any further with the purpose in life, or bucket list stuff.

He spent most of the time trying to brush away my very sweet little dog who -everyone- loves.  My poor little adorable chiweenie was just trying to sit on his lap… and all he did was repeatedly shove him away.

The date just did not go well.  I mean, I don’t get an evening to go and do anything with no kids in tow very often.  I had to take the day off to get it.  I would have thought we should make the most of it, but maybe he’s not a “make the most of it” kind of guy.   There wasn’t much affection, and even the conversation was awkward.  I did NOT feel connected.  We were just -not- clicking.

As he got up to go around 10:30pm, he said… “now don’t get mad.  I know you want to spend time together, and make love and all that but we’ll get there.   Don’t read too much in to it, because I am VERY interested.”

I jokingly replied “ohhhhh yeah right.”   He didn’t seem to like that much…. and honestly, in all jokes there’s a little bit of truth.  If I really think about it, I guess he doesn’t seem much interested to me and I don’t mean just sex… but in even getting to know me as a person.

AND in truth, I can’t say I’m much interested in him after today either.  I feel like I can’t talk about anything that matters to me… like my writing or my spirituality.  Those are HUGE parts of who I am.

Plus, I’m looking for The One and that means someone I can laugh with, talk to about anything, and count on.  If I can’t have those three things, I’d rather have no relationship at all.

I guess the only thing to do is pull back.  I’m certainly not going to try to -make- him interested.  I guess I’ve learned THAT lesson. There’s a little bit of sad in there…  Frustration that someone I can have a fantastic connection with can’t love me and is closed off… and a dude who is welcoming me in with open arms.. but we don’t have the emotional connection.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run in to this one or the other type of thing.

STILL, that’s like saying “it was in the last place I looked!”  Of course it was in the last place you looked.  Why would you keep looking after you found it?  So, I guess it will just keep being almost, and one or the other types of things until I meet the one, right?

Published in: on May 22, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (10)  
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Someone… Thoughts On My Extraordinary Love

Someone I am my very best self with, my authentic self–  Who has my best interests at heart.  A man who is gentle and kind, yet strong and protective and not afraid to say the things that are difficult to say.

A partner who welcomes me in to his life and allows me to support him too.  A man who will also be his best self when he’s with me.

A partner who sees the real me in a positive and appreciative light — who is enthusiastic and excited about our love and our life.

Someone who fully accepts and loves me — and laughs like crazy with me.

Someone who is committed to the magical gift we have in having found each other — and knows God put us together on purpose.

Someone who is one of the BEST people I’ve ever known and also feels that way about me.  Someone who also values and strives for a balanced relationship energy.

Published in: on May 6, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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Totally loooved this post. Thanx Cakes!

Published in: on April 29, 2012 at 7:19 pm  Leave a Comment  

Most Inpiring Blogger Award

 

Yet another fabulous female blogger has nominated me for an award.  I couldn’t be more please… Thank you, Karmic Diva!

 

These are the rules for this award:

#1 Thank the person who nominated you – check!

 

#2 Share seven thing about yourself

**7 things about me:

-I totally and completely love my job.

-I own a gorgeous open 2,050 square ft house built in 1925.

-I’m addicted to Mt. Dew.

-When I was a teen, I loved those choose your own adventure novels.  I find life to be a lot like those novels.

-I once had a gnarly fall from a train overpass and down a hill face first on a first date.  Still scored a second date… and third and fourth, etc.

-I have social anxiety.  It can be incredibly miserable.

-I consider my personal style to be sexy boho chic.  Is that an oxy-moron?  lol

 

#3 Pass the award to seven nominees — I am going to nominate some folks I may not have nominated in the past.  Many of them my beloved readers, which is how I found their blogs.  They offer some really well written and thought out comments, which I so much appreciate.  I am going to start working harder to reciprocate

Columbus Cynic  http://columbuscynic.wordpress.com/

A Lonely Runner  http://alonelyrunner.wordpress.com/

Lipstick and Playdates  http://lipstickandplaydates.wordpress.com/

Raising Kolas n Joe  http://raisingnikolasnjoe.wordpress.com/

E Marie  http://emarie24.wordpress.com/

Misadventures in Cleveland Dating  http://thirtysomethingsingle.com/

Mother Interrupted  http://motherinterrupted.wordpress.com/

Published in: on March 20, 2012 at 4:19 pm  Comments (4)  
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Oooooh, I’m Soooo Versatile!


I was nominated for The Versatile Blogger award by the lovely and talented Teri Jensen at The Narcissist’s Blog. http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/ Thank you, Great Lady. 😉

Nominate 10-15 fellow bloggers. All blogs are super bueno… I’m only nominating 10 because all their great stuff keeps me busy just trying to read them, so I don’t end up visiting a zillion different blogs. They are my peeps. SO, the nominees are, in no particular order……..

Julie Jeske – http://julietjeske.wordpress.com/

Life in The Farce Lane – http://lifeinthefarcelane.wordpress.com/

Ride with Blaze – http://ridewithblaze.wordpress.com/

The Book Whore – http://sparklebumpsthebookwhore.wordpress.com/

The Nature of My Game – http://thenatureofmygame.net/

Misadventures in Cleveland Dating – http://thirtysomethingsingle.com

Life with Blondie – http://lifewithblondie.wordpress.com/

Lipstick and Playdates – http://lipstickandplaydates.wordpress.com/

Susie Lindau’s Wild Ride – http://susielindau.com/

Social Kenny – http://kennyspuathoughts.wordpress.com/

Inform the bloggers of their nomination.
Share 7 random things about yourself. Wow, this is going to be tricky. I feel like I’ve blabbed a zillion secrets on this blog already. Hmmmm… channeling randomnesssssss… Hmmmmm…

I lost my virginity when I was 17.

I made my high school sweetheart wait for A YEAR before I gave it up.

My Dad was an uninvolved non-functioning alcoholic that died at the age of 42.

I have only been published in print one time, and it was in the base newspaper in 29 Palms.

The subject of my only work in print is something called “trash diving”.

I drank only one time in highschool, and never tried any drugs.

I once had my Miranda Rights read to me in an official setting. I was -almost- in trouble.

Thank the blogger who nominated you.

Thanks a zillion, Teri, the most fabulous Narcissist I know! If you’re ever zippin’ down I-5 in to Cali, shoot me an email. I promise to offer you a warm bed and a plethora of jokes and drinks!
Add the Award pictures on your blog post.

Published in: on February 22, 2012 at 2:00 pm  Comments (2)  
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