Things That Give Me **Pause**

inner struggleSome of the things that gave me pause after reading my girlfriends Big Fat Christian Love Story was… First of all…  First and foremost…  what if it works?!!  *gasp*  Do I really want to get married again?  Truthfully, folks, I’m slightly terrified at the thought of it.

I think maybe that’s a bridge I’ll have to cross when I come to it.  Not only am I growing, healing and changing everyday but maybe I can’t know how I’ll feel once I am in that relationship.  I know how I want to feel… but maybe it’s just one of those things where you’ll know it when you see it.. or feel it in this case.

Next, I’ve always heard the phrase “you wouldn’t drive a car without test driving it first, would you?”  To marry someone without EVER having slept with that person seriously freaks me out.  Now, it wouldn’t be such a big deal if it were someone who I had previously played with but otherwise… errrr… ummm..  I don’t know about that.

Even my mother said “Take my advice, Dear…  NEVER wait til you’re married.”  lol…  Moms aren’t supposed to say that!

Next up… if “divorce is not an option”, then doesn’t that give someone kind of free license to walk all over you and treat you like crap?  Or ignore you and your needs or wants or requests, thinking “ahh, she’ll never leave.”  I hate that idea because there are a ton of things we can’t control in this life, like other people, but I can control me.  I may not be able to persuade him to stop drinking or gambling us in to the poor house, but I can choose to leave.  Now I’m supposed to give that up?  Just put up with anything he throws my way?

I have read some guy bloggers that talk about the three As.  The three As are the only time a divorce should be considered… They are abuse, addiction, and adultery.  I can’t quite get on board with that either though.  I think couples can work through anything (those things too) if there are two willing partners… but what isn’t willing?

What if one partner refuses to try to improve things?  What if you are miserable and he just doesn’t give a rat’s ass?  What if there is complete neglect?  Is that a form of abuse?  What if it feels like you live with a stranger because she’s a work-a-holic?  Does that count as an addiction?

What if she’s shopping you in to bankruptcy and homelessness?  What if she just keeps doing it, no matter how many cards you cut up or check books you take away?  You can’t chain her up in the basement.  What are you supposed to do?  What if it’s been going on for a decade and the shop-a-holic refuses to even discuss the issue?  After all, why should she?  You’ve already told her “divorce is not an option” so she just figures you’ll never leave anyway!

So, lets say we would count that as a shopping addiction…  Shopping is an addiction now?  Then where do we draw the line?  Welcome to my internal struggle.

*Sigh*  I guess maybe that’s part of trusting God… fully surrendering.   Hmmm..  maybe it’s not God I don’t trust though… it’s men.  Ooooh, that sounded bad but it is part of the therapy stuff I’m working through right now.  Wish me luck, blogger friends…. because I have a feeling that once I work through this particular area in therapy, I’ll have the answers to the questions here as well.

Published in: on December 9, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (4)  
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Stalled on Relationship Road

excuses, excuses

excuses, excuses

Ok, peeps…  My apologies for this late published post.  It’s the first time in a very, very long time that I’ve not posted on schedule.  Three times a week.. Tues, Thurs, Sun 9am.  Usually, I have posts lined up to publish, sometimes 6 weeks ahead.  Not today though.

Lately, I’ve been working through a lot of really intense feelings about men, women and relationships.  I’ve been working through a lot of hurts left over from my divorce and childhood…  Daddy issues, divorce and abandonment issues…  BIG stuff.  Well, I keep getting part way through a particular defining moment and then sidetracked and derailed…   then comes the procrastination.

This pattern seems to be happening in several areas of my life.  For instance, the house work.  I’ve been putting it off a bit, but then I’ll work on it some but never get fully caught up.  Stalled, until it feels chaotic and a bit overwhelming.

I find that I’ve got so much to worry about these days… with the winter weather, and holidays coming and all.  It’s a lot for a single Mom to manage.  Remember last year?

Especially with children expecting the magic of Santa.  That’s a lot of pressure on a single mom!  Today I joked with my shift partners that I shoulda broke the news to the kids all at once—  “Kids, we’re leaving your father…  and by the way there’s no Santa!”

I can’t help thinking it’s all related.  I feel like I’ve got pregnancy brain… so many things to worry about that my sponge is full and things are getting forgotten.  AND it’s a vicious cycle, because the more I forget, the more stressed I feel, the more I forget… etc etc.

I think that’s why I’ve procrastinated the dang blog posts until I eventually just ran out of time.  With all these overwhelming issues, I feel stalled on relationship road.  In more ways than one.  I haven’t had a date in like 6 months… haven’t even been asked out on a date in all that time either.  *rolls eyes*  Talk about stalled.

I’m choosing it though.  I chose to take myself off the market, hunker down and do this therapy stuff.  I have to remind myself some time.  I guess I’m also choosing when I procrastinate or leave chores half-finished too.

Anyways….  There’s all my excuses for missing my own deadline.  lol.   Catch you Sunday!

Published in: on December 6, 2012 at 4:32 pm  Comments (2)  
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The Simple Life

It’s snowing now and at work we are keeping road conditions updated to the public and handling crashes, but as I glance out the window I realize how much I am looking forward to getting home.  Just picturing myself curled up on the couch with a cup of vanilla coffee, warmed by the fire in the wood stove, and gazing out my big bay window at the snowfall gives me butterflies.

I am learning to once again appreciate the simple things.  I am crafting my life in to a simple, peaceful, and beautiful experience here in my lovely little mountain town.  I no longer feel trapped here because I know I am the one who is designing my life here.   I am truly taking time to appreciate the gorgeous home God gave me as a healing place.  I glide across her warm wood floors and curl up enveloped in the warm colors I’ve painted on the walls.

My anxiety is very much improved these days but not by magic.. It has required quite a bit of effort.  As of late, I have been employing visualization quite often.  Whenever I have to venture out to do something that I know would usually cause me to be anxious.. I picture myself getting ready, leaving, making the drive, doing whatever I need to do and then returning home when it’s all done.  It sounds simple but it is helping tremendously…  In fact, I am starting to see a difference between myself and the other Moms around.

I was sitting at the YMCA the other day while my daughter was having dance class, and I got to chatting with my ex-husband’s live in girlfriend…  Let’s call her Miss Mini Van.  I say that because she’s very Suzie Homemaker-ish.  Betty Crocker-esque shall we say, and the first thing she did when they moved in together was trade her car in for a brand new mini van.  That cracks me up just in that she seems to be equipped with all the Domestic Homemaker genes that I don’t have.

Anyway, somehow I end up talking to Miss Mini Van about simplifying your life.  She snorts in her exasperation and says “Yeah right!” then dives in to a monologue about her kindergartener’s 5 costume requirement for 2 separate dance classes, not to mention that since she has now entered cohabitation, they have 5 kids combined and each with their own schedule…. etc, etc, etc.

Next I bumped in to yet another dance Mom who was also incredibly busy.  She regaled me with stories of her church volunteer service and having been bouncing from one meeting to another all day.

Several things happened.  First, their frantic energy did not affect me.  I sat listening and participating in the conversation but without being drawn in to the melodrama.  Second, I felt very removed from that lifestyle.  These women talked as though they were being dragged around by wild horses, like they had no choice in the matter.  Ohhh, not so, I thought. My life does not feel like that any more.  I no longer live in chaos, probably because I have been making progress cleaning out the chaos in my own mind.  I’ll be a devilish smile jumped to my face, because I felt like I have found the secret!  It felt good.  It felt really good.

I remember feeling like those women.  I was lost… like my life was running away without me.  I felt like I didn’t matter and all the things I was running around doing in life were about everyone but me.  Plus, I felt frantic inside.

Today I felt so different, and so very much at peace.  It was incredible.  So, I sat for a while and looked at my life.  I asked myself whether my actions, and my life are aligned with my values.  I do meaningful work.  My kids are LOVED, cherished, and well cared for.  I take time to enjoy simple things in life.  My kids have activities but they also have time to climb trees, and jump on the trampoline.  I make something beautiful to contribute to the world (my writing).  I pursue a relationship with my God daily, and my children know the Lord.  I am striving to be a more kind person, and I am teaching my kiddos kindness as well.

Things seem to be lining up beautifully.   Of course I don’t have every single thing I want in life…  I’m still working through issues.  I still want a partner, and I miss my friends who moved away but I am making major progress attaining that inner peace I’ve been praying for.  For the moment, all is well.

Published in: on November 20, 2012 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Mind Control

So, I’ve been reading Eat Pray Love…  That’s right, I said reading it.  The movie was a good adaptation of the book but I wanted to know more about this journey to enlightenment taken by a 30 something woman after a divorce.  I find it intriguing that I am chasing down the same inner peace at about the same age Elizabeth Gilbert was when she took the trip and wrote the book.  In fact, I asked my counselor if there was some developmental thing that happens to us as we sail out of our twenties and in to our thirties.

“Why yes” he said, and recommended a book, which, of course I promptly bought on amazon.  More to come on that.

Eat Pray Love is a fantastic book.  Emotional, passionate and quirky funny as well.  I highly recommend it!

One of the most fascinating things I found when reading and looking at the author’s journey, then looking at mine…  It’s mind control.  Not some creepy, stranger trying to make you crazy kind of mind control… but controlling our own thoughts.  It seems to be the key to the entire process.

“You are, after all, what you think.  Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.”  –Elizabeth Gilbert

For a neurotic writer or artist like so many of us (Elizabeth Gilbert included) the first step, I think, is to quiet the mind.  You can’t control your thoughts if they are whipping through your head so fast you don’t know what they are.  Plus, I had become an expert at staying so dang busy I had a thousand other things to think about and distract me… keep my mind crazy busy.

The task of quieting the mind is much more difficult than it sounds.  I mean, how many people do you know who have trouble sleeping, sometimes all their lives, because they can’t shut their brain off?   The author does talk about how some people are naturally blessed with a quiet mind though…  Ha!  That has never been me.

Meditation seemed to be the key for Liz Gilbert.  She ran off to an Ashram in India and wrestled with it and struggled.  For me, I guess what has slowed my mind was my own personal exile to the graveyard shift and then the systematic removal of my closest friends one by one.  It’s left me alone with nothing but my thoughts for long periods of time, bitching and grumbling about it the whole time.

Once I give myself some time to work on grappling with and finally subduing my mind, then I can look at the thoughts that are flowing in and out of there and choose what to keep and what to get rid of.

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day.  This is a power you can cultivate.” –from Eat Pray Love

Once again, not such an easy task because my mind works incredibly fast, and it turns out is filled with all kinds of poisonous stuff.  It’s jammed with memories of childhood abuse, memories of my own actions in relationships that hurt the people I loved, shame, guilt, TONS of fear… and some really nasty things I’ve been saying to myself over the years.  I did NOT want to look at those.  I didn’t want to be alone with those thoughts, but then again, how can you fix it if you don’t look at it?

So, finally, I look at them, feel them but then what?  HOW the hell do you change them?  For Elizabeth Gilbert, she seemed to do this in meditation.  By having a conversation with herself, looking at the thoughts, feeling them, accepting them and comforting herself with loving affirmations.

For me, I need something more concrete and less mystical.  That’s where Dr. Phil’s Self Matters book comes in to play.  He’s got it all organized out and lined up.  Among other things, he recommends journaling all those thoughts and experiences, and then challenging them with 4 questions.

1.  Is it true?

2.  Does it serve your best interests to hold on to this belief?

3.  Are your thoughts and attitudes advancing and protecting your health?

4.  Does this belief get me what I want in life?

And then writing some positive, accurate and authentic thoughts to replace the bad ones.  It might sound silly but I’ve tried it and it works!

Amazing how much of our own personal inner peace is derived from the thoughts we think.   I would say most people go through their entire lives without ever doing this soul work, because it’s hard and it’s scary and unpleasant.  Most people prefer to remain unconscious, distracted, and treating only the symptoms, not the root causes… but I have never been “most people.”

The slowing down of the thoughts, looking at them and digging through that is really tough…  and then replacing them with positive.  That’s brutal too.. but I find much positive and reassurance and unconditional love in getting to know God.  For me, I’m sure there is no way I could have accomplished even what I have done so far were it not for knowing God…  so one last quirky quote from Eat Pray Love..

“Look for God.  Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water.”  –Elizabeth Gilbert

Published in: on November 15, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (4)  
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The Gambler

“I think you’re a bit of a gambler” said my therapist, with a mischevious gleam in his eye.

I nodded my head with a sly grin…  I am not afraid to take a risk in life or in love, in fact I had risked myself right in to a frenzy the last few years, and stacked up one “loss” after another.

The second he made his remarks, that old Kenny Roger’s song started playing in my head.  I’m sure you’ve all heard it but here’s what it boils down to in one line “Now every gambler knows the secret to survivin’ is knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep.”

“Well, I guess I’m learning when to hold em, and when to fold em” I replied.

Later that day, as I turned it over in my head, I was bowled over by his metaphor.  He’s absolutely right.  The Game is life…  I’m not going to stop playing and just opt out of life or love and melt in to the background of this anonymous small town, so I guess I am The Gambler BUT like the song says “If you’re gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right”.

I have been playing the game but staying too long with things that don’t work for me… negative self talk, hanging on to old baggage, staying in relationships that won’t work, sometimes without even pausing long enough to ask myself “is this really what I want in my life?”.   The therapist got me when I was finally “out of aces” and now I’m learning to play it right.

When The Stalkerish Ex-boyfriend appeared on my door step yesterday…  I talked to him for a few minutes but at the end I was very clear.  “Don’t contact me.”  Don’t want the drama.  Don’t want the conflict.  I have no use for people in the world that just don’t hear me, no matter how many times I say it.  No matter how many times I lay down a boundary, they step over it.  No thanks… you can go.

I’m being very aware of what I’m letting IN to my life and what I am letting go of…  like a bunch of negative self talk, guilt, shame, hurts and old labels, bad behaviors that just don’t work for me and old ways of thinking.  You’ve got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em…  and I’m learning fast.

Published in: on November 13, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (2)  
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Mature Love v Immature Love

I found this such an incredible post… Just had to reblog it. Kudos to a fantastic writer, a scholar and a romantic. Thanks John. To all my readers… hope you enjoy!

What Is Real True Love?

Erich Fromm, in “The Art of Loving,” wrote, “Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says: ‘I need you because I love you’.”

The first statement is based on dependency—I am dependent on you, I am under-developed as a person, I am young and I am just starting out in adulthood and I am glomming onto you, relying on you to support me emotionally and psychologically (maybe even financially), to validate me, to give me a sense of who I am, to make me feel special, loved, wanted, valuable, complete, to compliment me, to make me feel better, to make my life better, easier, more fun, and because you are doing that, and because I am getting all of that from you and this relationship right now, that is why I “love” you. (But should that change, I’ll look elsewhere…

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Published in: on October 25, 2012 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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I swear you were put on this earth just to kick me in the balls!

collecting a jar of hearts

Like the title?  Yeah, that’s a quote from The Stalkerish Ex-boyfriend.  He said it a long time ago, and I never fully understand what he meant…  Until today.

He used to tell me all the time that when we start getting close, I withdraw.  His reaction to this is to become angry, and start fighting like a wolverine.  Because of this kind of reaction, he’s out.  I can’t deal with that.  I find that kind of behavior hurtful and damaging, so he’s gone… BUT it doesn’t mean his hypothesis was wrong.  It’s not.  In fact, it’s totally right.

I have been the distancer in relationships for about as long as I can remember… and now, after my experiences with The Ambassador, I know how it feels to watch someone you just want to be close to fight it, withdraw, and push you away.  It’s excruciating and I started thinking about when I have done that, which is many many times…  as far back as my high school sweetheart.  I REALLY did him wrong… and have since tracked him down and sincerely apologized for it.

With The Hunky Mechanic,  I had finally stopped dating completely inappropriate men who I’d never make a serious committment to.  Still… being in a relationship with him… a man who is trustworthy, full of good character, and extremely attractive freaked me out.  Watching him move the relationship along, and knowing he was wanting more….  sent me over the edge.

There I was hauling my bag back and forth to work everyday as he nearly begged me to leave some things at his house.  I didn’t even realize I was doing it at the time, but I hid myself, withdrew, distanced and eventually ran.  I couldn’t have told him how I was feeling even if I wanted to because I didn’t know.  I was actively ignoring it.  I was simply floating through, trying not to think about it until I started to feel freaked out, then I’d run.

Still, I know he’s a good man so whenever he would come back around, I’d give it another chance but I hadn’t worked through any of my fears of intimacy, so the cycle would start again.  Same thing with The Stalkerish Ex-boyfriend.  Sound like a kick in the balls to you?

There he stood watching me continue holding back, while he wanted nothing more than to be close to me.  Talk about heart ache.  Watching The Ambassador do that with me was like torture.  Even when things were good, I couldn’t fully enjoy it because he seemed ready to bolt at any minute.  It was like trying to catch a frightened stray cat.

Now, I maintain that The Hunky Mechanic and I are very different.  We aren’t right for each other…  but I have to wonder if that is completely true, or just my excuse for keeping him at arm’s length.

Many, many of my friends can’t understand why I have been so understanding with The Ambassador.  Here’s why —  All the things he’s done, I’ve done.  Jumping out of one relationship out of fear, and right in to another.  Holding back, not saying what I felt.  Looking around frantically for a reason to run.  I’m sure I’ve hurt plenty of people along the way– and then when I met The Ambassador of Ambiguity I was suddenly on the other side of the coin.

I have said about The Ambassador many times that he craves intimacy but at the same time is terrified by it.  I could say the absolute same thing for me.  It was like looking in to a mirror… only instead of just seeing it, I was FEELING it.  I don’t want to be that girl anymore… collecting a jar of hearts.  Letting others get attached while I remain removed.

I had a crazed amount of anxiety over all this– for a few days even.  I was even late for my therapy session this week, but I went.  As hard as it may be, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I explained all this to my therapist and he seems to think that as I continue my personal therapy, working through all sorts of things from my past, it will start to feel differently.  I won’t be terrified of relationships anymore.

“But I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember” I said.  To which, my therapist replied “I don’t think you knew any other way.”

Damn, was he right.  It’s the relationship pattern I watched with my mother all my life.  Bottle everything up.  Don’t talk about it.  Just swallow it down until you can’t take it anymore then bail… but make sure you hold back… hold back, hold back, hold back, because he’ll eventually hurt you in the end.  Well, I am learning another way.

My therapist even went so far as to say, in another 2 or 3 months, I’ll feel completely different.  That means by the start of the new year…   That would really make for on hell of a NEW year, wouldn’t it?

Jeez, I hope he’s right because after realizing my part in these relationship patterns, seeing The Ambassadors car and then getting a text from The Hunky Mechanic saying “I sure wish we could make this work with us”–  I was so shaken I thought I’d throw up.

In “The Dance of Intimacy” by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. — it reads “Intimacy can happen only after we work toward a more solid self.”  So, I guess I am on the right track.  So, wish me luck… or better yet, wish me STRENGTH.  ❤

Published in: on October 14, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (8)  
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Daphne’s 9 Types of Lovers

So, I zipped through a book today, because as you guys know–  I’m a readin’ machine.  The title immediately intrigued me being “The 9 Types of Lovers;  Why we love the people we do & how they drive us crazy.” by Daphne Rose Kingma.

I’m fascinated by all sorts of descriptions of personality types, and I have heard the author’s name before…  So, I picked it up.  It was an interesting read.  I think the author pretty accurately described some behavior, but other descriptions seemed a bit too extreme.  Still, a fascinating read.  The moniker’s she gave the personalities are fairly self-explanatory..  I’m gonna list them below with a short description and I’ll include where I fit in, as well as some of the characters you’ve been reading about in this blog…

Keep in mind though, you’ve really got to read the more in-depth descriptions to be able to pin someone down.  I had a little trouble with it at first, even with people I’m extremely close to.  Anyway, here goes…

The Attention Seeker:  Vivacious, accomplished, charismatic, but also struggles with a bit of narcissism.  (Duke & Capt. Amazing)

The Emoter:  Exciting and fun but also volatile and unpredictable.  When I think “crazy bitch” this is the personality type that comes to mind.

The Cool Cucumber:  Steady and responsible but emotionally closed off.  Not only will the cucumber deny his own emotions, and yours as well but he’ll deny emotions exist at all.  (My ex-husband, and The Hunky Mechanic)

The Skeptic:  Funny, intelligent, charming and witty but also the ambivalent rubber band man or woman.  (The Ambassador of Ambiguity)

The Workaholic:   Successful, driven leaders, overachievers, but also constantly keep busy to avoid emotional intimacy

The Perfectionist:  Martha Stewart types, organized, hard-working, but also have incredibly high expectations, not just for themselves but for others as well.  (The Sultry School Teacher)

The Fantasizer:  In the author’s words “Sweet natured romantics”.   The dreamers who are often crushed when a relationship ends.   (This one is ME..  Did you already figure that out?  lol.  Also possibly Mr. Cool)

The Controller:  Decisive, and confident but they also tend to want to run other people’s lives.  (Mr. X)

The People Pleaser: Caretakers, always ready to accommodate others but often at their own expense.  (The Sweet Tri-Athlete, The Young Firefighter)

The author goes quite in-depth about each of the personality types.  I took issue with her descriptions though, because she described the personalities in such negative terms.  She made me wonder how anyone ever ends up in a relationship.

The author also describes which personality types seem to be happiest with each other.  An intriguing and quick read.  Maybe worth a look.

Published in: on August 28, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (5)  
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Let’s Make a Plan

Sensual Cellibacy by Donna Marie Williams

So, the Sensual Cellibacy book came.  I zipped right through it in about day.   It was good.. The author took a pretty moderate approach in writing the book.  It wasn’t  religious or scientific really… and best of all, it approached the topic of cellibacy from a standpoint that encourages the reader to decided what is right for them.

The book talked about a period of cellibacy being a time to focus your energies on your goals, etc.  It helps the reader make cellibacy more manageable by giving direction in how to re-focus your energies and gain a new perspective.

I had already been pulling projects together, and plotting goals.  The truth is, my heart is thankful for the break.  I can breath a sigh of relief to be staring down a break from trying to manage dating sights, or schedule coffee dates, or having my hopes grow, only to be dashed not much later.  I could use some rest.

In fact, in this begining phase of my crazy little experiment, I’m not going to be dating at all.  Until I get to a place where I can look at dating in a playful positive light again, I’m on a break.

There were many wonderful things to absorb in the book.  The author talks a lot about the power of our sexuality, and how as women, not only are we recieving a man physically but also recieving and retaining his energy as well.

For me, that’s very true…  I’m certainly an “earthy woman” like she describes in her book.  I crave that physical touch..  The soulful intertwining of bare bodies, breathing in synchronicity… tongue tied and twisted..  but I’m tired of sharing that intimacy with men who I know in my heart are unavailable.

Here are some quotes from the book:

To me, sex meant I would be recieving his essence in to my body and spirit.

Sex deepens the relationship only if true intimacy has already been achieved.

As much as possible I infuse sensuality into every aspect of my life, from the clothes I wear to the sheets I sleep in.  Even my prayers are romantic and passionate.

Women and men practicing sensual cellibacy have the golden oppotunity to get to know each other on deeper, more meaningful levels.

Relationships don’t work if each partner is thinking of self and is being stingy with self.

The pursuit of a relationship, or the attempt to try and keep one, can cause great anxiety.

We must learn to fearlessly confront uncomfortable emotions.

In talking, we heal.

Sensual Cellibacy helped me shore up and organize some of my thoughts and goals…  I didn’t originally know how long I wanted to take on this whole cellibacy thing..  but now I’m thinking at least 6 months.  I’ve got some things I need to take care of (resolve my anxiety disorder, get real estate license, finish writing my book, etc) and I don’t need the distractions from dating or other sexy entanglements.

Once I get through some of these tasks, and when my heart feels ready, I’ll start dating again, but even then–  I intend to hold out on doing the deed until I’m in a relationship where there is caring, cooperation, and committment.

Once I get out there again, I’m sure dating is going to be tricky with that plan in mind but I can handle it.  If dude disappears when he hears he’ll have to hold out then I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

So—  that’s the cellibacy plan for now.  I’ll keep you posted.  🙂

Published in: on July 24, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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Voluntary Celibacy for God Knows How Long

The Hunky Mechanic texted me the other day and offered up some “intimate company– no strings attached”.  That may just be the exact oposite of what I want.  That phrase seemed to snap me out of this head space I’d been in.  It got me thinking about what I want now, and how I want to go about things as I move forward and get on with my life.

I’ve spent some time thinking about my past relationships, dates and other debacles in my romantic life.  When I look back over the last year spent going slow, I realize  it was really beneficial.  That approach, while sometimes excruciating, certainly did it’s job.  I know The Ambassador incredibly well, and he knows my heart.  We spent time together because we genuinely enjoyed each other’s personalities.

So…  I’ve decided that’s the way I’m going to go about things for the time being.  The Hunky Mechanic is not going to like it, and to be honest, I’m a little shocked myself.  When I started this blog there is no possible way I’d have taken on some kind of sexual fast like this.  Hell, I had a hard time getting through the third date sometimes… but like I said in my last post.. I’m changed.

I’m not foolish enough to think it’s going to be easy either, especially with The Hunky Mechanic hanging around.  When we were together three years ago, the sex was incredible.  Just thinking about the last time I stood in his shop with him, and he slid up behind me kissing my neck makes me shiver.  Still, I’m going to try to do it.  I’ve spent more than enough time chasing what my body wants… now it’s time to follow what my soul wants.

I found a book on Amazon called Sensual Celibacy: The Sexy Woman’s Guide to Using Abstinence for Recharging Your Spirit, Discovering Your Passions, Achieving Greater Intimacy in Your Next Relationship.  That is what my soul craves.  Check out the description…

ABSTINENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW STRONGERIf you’re single and in between relationships — or just about to embark on a new one — then you can’t underestimate the importance of making the right choices when it comes to physical intimacy. When should it happen? If it’s already a part of your relationship, is it meaningful to both of you? Is there a strong emotional foundation in place? Or did you jump right in — and get hurt? And how can you preserve your self-respect the next time around?

Donna Marie Williams wrestled with these questions for years until she discovered the empowering nature of celibacy: abstaining from sex for a self-determined time while embracing new opportunities for self-discovery, personal growth, and heightened self-esteem. Now she shares her knowledge in a simple but effective 10-step program that will help you lead a happier, healthier, and even sexier life. Sensual Celibacyreveals:

* Why charting your relationship history can be a real eye opener

* How celibacy can help you focus on what you really want out of life

* Ways to stay true to your celibacy commitment, even if you’re in a relationship

* When to end your celibacy, with intelligence, confidence, and joy

If you’re ready to rethink your approach to relationships and reconnect with yourself, then let Sensual Celibacy guide you to a happier, healthier lifestyle.

So…  I’m going to order that book first thing payday.

Sex is a powerful force… funny how removing it for a time can help so many other things seem clearer.  It’s also become so standard these days… so expected, and I don’t like that.  It diminishes the intrigue and intimacy.  After having waited so long with The Ambassador, built an emotional foundation and experienced a greater intimacy… I just have no interest in going back to a more shallow type situation.

The Mechanic is going to think I’ve gone crazy… *sigh* but oh well.  This is what God’s put on my heart for my journey and I’m going to follow it.

Published in: on July 17, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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