How I got here

I thought I might mention how I ended up here.

I flopped around for a couple years after my 10 marriage ended. I was scraping by with money and living in a dirty little apartment complex that the police were all too familiar with. Still, I was managing on my own, taking care of my two children, working and trying to meet someone.

I think often times people date who they know, who they see, the people that end up somehow in their everyday lives. So, as I lived in the dirty apartment complex, that is the type of men I met. I played the game. I fell for the charms of a recovered addict, and told myself that the people around me were more authentic than the ones I had known in suburbia where I had come from. In that part of town where no one had any money, and every one was scraping by– if you were a drunk, you were a drunk, no one tried to hide it.

I had lived for so many years with people being so concerned about their outer images that maybe they forgot to match them up to who they actually were. I was even married to that.

So, I floundered around trying to find what I had been missing. I was starved for some type of love, affection, and appreciation. I was crawling, clawing my way through the desert, dying of thirst, so, pretty much the first man that came along was my water.

What a disaster that was! The “recovered” addict still took pain pills everyday, smoked reefer whenever he could get his hands on it, and drank more than his fair share.  I did not hear this directly from the “recovered” addict, but instead from one of his friends who also insinuated that I was being used and conned.  Of course, I was madly, insanely in love with him.

It cost me a whole lot of pain and heartbreak, as well as money to lose that relationship.

I kept going from one relationship to the next with these extreme ups and downs. There were days when I felt cheated, and days when I wondered if I had done the right thing leaving my marriage, as miserable as it was there. However, I know I learned. I learned what I needed from a man, what I wanted, what I found essential. I ended up in situations where I thought I was in a relationship and later learned otherwise. I also learned that I was getting quite invested in every situation and broken hearted when it didn’t work out. Left alone to start again.

I knew I didn’t want “just sex” , yet somehow, that seemed to be what I kept ending up with.

I dated people I met at work, although not co-workers, as our company only had a handful of employees. I learned to play pool and built a rapport with a couple of bartenders that would lookout for me. Although I wasn’t a drinker, I spent some time at my local pubs yet nothing every came of it. Bars are such a meat market and I was not interested in that.

So after a couples years I started to get myself together. I began working on my mental and emotional health, talking about failed relationships. I got promoted at work and then went on to a new job that allows me much more independence and sense of accomplishment.  (I’m a law enforcement dispatcher)  I bought a house and grew out my hair. I began working out to shed some pounds that made me shutter every time I walked passed a mirror.

I got into a good routine and was so happy in it, I began to worry. I saw women at my new job that are staring down retirement, all alone and happy to be. I didn’t want to be that girl, staring down retirement alone alone alone, so I decided I had better get moving before I got too set in my ways.

I started to think about how I could makes myself “more attractive to a buyer”. Here is what I did…

1. I quit smoking (then started again, damn it) Now, I’ve quit again and it stuck.

2. Kept up the work out routine

3. Had my hair done. I’d been working on growing my hair out, now I had some highlights put in to lighten it up. Hair that is too dark, as mine was, can be harsh on your face.  (later got a fucked up haircut and had to go short again.  I’m trying to grow it out again.  Damn it!)– Now years later, my hair is long and gorgeous again.

4.. Spruced up my profiles and dove into online dating. –Now years later, quit online dating.  Committed to meeting someone organically.

5. Decided to hold out. I had been told by a guy friend or two that I’d been going to bed with men too early and decided I would hold out for a couple months while getting to know someone. I figured by the time the couple months was up, we’d be all strung out for each other. That sounded good to me, but I’m not going to lie, I knew it would be a challenge. Not only because I’m a very sensual woman, but I am also someone who naturally want to please people.

I then wrote a list of three simple things I’m looking for:

1. A man who has his head on straight. This means he has a job and a car. He’s not an addict and he’s not screwing his ex. He values people and relationships.

2. A man I get along with well. This means he isn’t verbally or physically abusive. He’s not withdrawn but instead open and honest and we have the ability to work things out together, without hurting each other.

3. Crazy Chemistry. I want someone I’ve got crazy chemistry with. The kind of mine I feel pulled to like a magnet.   It’s a bit of magic.  No one can really explain it.   Usually these people end up being important in my life and even a soul mate of sorts. I mean a soul mate as the writer Thomas Moore describes them in his book Soul Mates. “A soul mate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communicating and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace.”

It seems simple, doesn’t it?? Just three basic categories, and yet I have invariably found only two out of the three. Still, this time I am determined to do things right. I’ve been married twice already, I’ve got to do it right this time.

I also began to read Susan Page’s book “If I’m So Wonderful, Why am I Still Single”. I decided to be single with a vengeance and meet LOTS of people, date different types of men. This serves to not only stop me from jumping into an instant relationship but also to get to know people before committing to a situation and not become overly invested in one situation.  Later learned this was a terrible idea and left me feeling damaged and demoralized.  I stopped.

I kept reading and have soaked up books like “Why Men Love Bitches”, “He’s Just Not Your Type, and That’s  a Good Thing”, “He’s Just Not That Into You”.. etc.

At first I kept meeting the same type of men I had always known. They were men that expected me to pull the largest share of the load. It stayed that way for a little bit, until all of a sudden it seemed as though I was meeting one incredible attractive and unique man after another. A chef that owned two restaurants, a marketing guy, a broker. I was starting to see that there are fantastic intriguing people in the world. My only options are not just the chauvinistic outdoors men that populate my tiny backwoods mountain town.

The first one I met was “Mr. Cool”. He lives in a an even smaller town outside of mine. He is multifaceted, strong and fun. He grew up with a similar background. Son of a single Mom, he is opinionated and hardworking. He was also about 15 years older than me.

Mr. Cool opened my eyes to the fact that I have been living “inside the box”, and that is not the way I want my life to be. I want my life to be full of adventure and fabulous hilarious stories. I want my life to be exciting and full of unique accomplished people. I want to live life to the fullest, in short, to be extraordinary.

So that’s where I am.  My life is many of those things but after some 12 years or so of riding solo… I still don’t have a partner.  But there has been much excitement along the way, and I intend to share it.

Published on February 25, 2011 at 1:51 am  Comments (16)  

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16 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hopefully the third time is the charm. My Aunt was married twice before but has been married to my Uncle Joe for about 17 years now. If they met today it would be through online dating but when back in the 90’s it was all due to an honest personal ad in the local paper.

    It’ll happen for you, Your Sassiness 😉

    • What a sweet comment. I believe. I know it will happen for me. I’m so thankful for these last several years outside of a marriage, as I have learned SO much!

  2. *correction* way back in the 90’s not “when back” o_0

  3. Dispatcher, eh? Big city or small town?

  4. This is a sad story. I hope you find a strong sense of self and peace.

    • I’m surprised you see it that way. I see it as a journey of self discovery. I can see all the growth but maybe I didn’t convey that so well.

  5. Your writing is fine. It seems like much of what you’re dealing with is learning about yourself and what you want. I’ve never known what to “be when I grow up” but who I am and what’s important to me has always been extremely clear. I guess I’m unusual that way. My self-assurance is sometimes found appealing but can also put off those with less developed identities. At least you say you’re enjoying the ride.

  6. Mmm, I can recognise a lot of my own struggles in your own account. Despite our very different locations, background and just about everything else!
    But your journey seems to have taught you so much about yourself, and your clarity of mind will attract similarly sorted men.
    I’ll be cheering you on from the other side of the Atlantic!

  7. Good to see you made a reasonable and realistic “list”. I get on women about this all the time. I’ll have to take a look around. I hope you learn a thing or 2 via my site and the ones I support.

    • Danny.. Thanx for checking out my blog. I have learned VERY much on this journey –not that I am going to give any credit to “the manosphere” for that. Sorry boyz!

  8. Great blog Cadence! Boy, if only I had the willpower to hold out for a couple months!

    • Holding out is just misery most of the time– booo.

    • But thnx for the kudos.. Glad you found me 😉

  9. […] Search 4 a Soul Mate […]

  10. I nominated you for a new award! You’ll find the rules here:


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