Wading Through It

more love!!

more love!!

Every day has just been miserable lately. I’m drowning in mood swings, anxiety, fear, cold spells, complete loss of appetite, fatigue…. and on and on.. a whole slew of symptoms conspiring to just straight wreck my life.

This morning I get up and I can not get the fire going to save my life. For some reason the bath is barely luke warm, which is no fun when lately, I’m pretty much freezing all the time anyway. I’m so depressed… I sit in the tub and cry.

I somehow pull it together, take a chill pill and go to work. When I get there though, I am feeling quite emotional. I find my nurse friend there changing shifts and I am sure that was God’s design. I badly needed to hear what she had to say. She talked to me about an incredible internist she had recommended to me. Although that Doc sounded amazing, I just wasn’t sure I could swing it. She doesn’t bill our insurance and charges $160 an hour for an office visit. PLUS, she practices in a town that’s about a 40 minute drive in to the snowy mountains. Damn, I can barely handle the anxiety I have just driving 2 miles to work in the snow. *sigh*

Still, my nurse friend pressed about this internist and I decided I would certainly google her and call to try and get an appointment. “You need her because she’ll look at everything. If there is something wrong, she’ll find it… and I really think it’s more than just the progesterone.”

I was so shocked. I felt like no one else on the planet believed that but me. The Nurse has been with me through this whole thing. She knows the kind of symptoms I should experience coming off the progesterone, or if the progesterone was too high a dose. She knows what level my anxiety was at when I started to investigate this stuff five months ago, and she knows what I am going through now.

She even offered to go to the appointment with me. (even though she knows how wierd I am about riding in the car with other people.. she put it out there. I cried.) I SO BADLY needed the affirmation she gave me. It was like a long relaxing breath. I hugged her tight and she was on her way home.

As my other shift partners and I chatted about my internal chaos, another of them offered to drive me in her 4 wheel drive. She also knew about my wierd quirk not wanting to ride in the car with someone else. This made me laugh… of course with tears in my eyes. Much crying these days.

I worked a half a day and then came home and had a seriously crazy productive sick day. I reminded myself that I committed to resolving this imbalance, whatever it was and that means investing time and money. Whatever it takes. So I pulled some money out of my retirement account to cover any costs I might incur, and marched ahead.

I filled out intake forms for the Incredible Internist, who, from her website, looks to be the asian medical Sherlock Holmes with pig tails and a smile. My kinda gal… got the forms sent off attached to a short email that would pull at anyone’s heart strings. I even called for an appointment, but had to leave a message.

Also filled out forms for another Doc who will hopefully become my primary care physician here locally. I haven’t had a primary care physician since I was pregnant. If I was sick or something, I went to the walk in clinic. Turns out a primary care Doc is like insurance… You need one just in case. Who knew? lol

Then I filled out a giant stack of forms to hopefully get re-imbursed for all the therapy sessions with my counselor who won’t bill my insurance either… and sent em off.

*sigh* Feels good to have that stuff taken care of.

I have to say.. I miss writing about love, romance and relationships but in this place on my journey… I just can’t deal with that. I can’t imagine meeting someone, or even having a certain someone come back around. I can barely handle getting to work in the morning. Everything feels anxious and scary to me. I can’t even fathom taking my clothes off with someone. The way my adrenaline has been pumping, I might actually scream and run! (That says a LOT if you know what a naughty girl I am. lol)

I’ll get back there some day though… probably sooner than I think. Right???

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Published in: on January 1, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (6)  
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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. hang in there… you’re taking the bull by the horns! You’ll make it!

    • You know what they say…. when u get to the end of your rope, tie a know & hold on!

  2. What an amazing way to steer the new year, really, you’re incredible (and man, I really should start saving for retirement). What amazes me about you is your humor throughout it all, which really, helps me keep the bigger things in mind. This state won’t last forever, although it can feel like an eternity, you are making the right steps to help yourself, a warrior you are. We are here to support you, as you document something which I’m sure, many others are going through, you never know how much of a heroine you are. Although of course, it can feel super crappy right now. Keep breathing through each moment, and know that right now, you are here, keep up the steps towards self-care. Prayers for you… 😀

    Pink.

    • Thanks for all your encouragement Pink. & the prayers are much needed.

  3. I think I know this internist you’re talking about and I’ve also heard she is very good. Hang in there friend! It makes me sad to hear how miserable you’ve been.

    • I’m sure u do. She seems phenomenal, but unfortunately she is out of town for a few weeks and every day for me has been a struggle. I cant work and thats HUGE for me. Major smackdown. Just taking it day by day & praying for healing SOON.


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