Scrambled Egg Brains Persist

At this point all my projects are completely on hold. My brain is so foggy and it’s so impossible to concentrate, I can’t read or write the blog or do my “Captivating” workbook.

In the last post I mentioned a Super Charged Panic Attack… The worst I’ve ever had, well… I had another about a week later that put that one to shame, and this one happened AT WORK. That freaked me the hell out. I mean, I work emergency situations. I’m manning the radio one minute and the next minute I’m screaming at the Supervisor to take over. My stomach was freaking out and I ran in to the bathroom. In addition to my bowel chaos, I was experiencing the most horrific panic attack I could possibly imagine.

Even with meds for my stomach and to chill me out, it took me like an hour and a half just to calm down enough to leave work to go home sick. Luckily, we were staffed that day, but there are plenty of other days when that’s not the case and there’s no supervisor on duty to yell at.

Even the next day I was shaking and feeling awful, so I called in to work. I got it in to my head that maybe my heart was causing the problems, so I went to see the Doc again. They found nothing abnormal. Big surprise, since I had to take plenty of chill pill meds just to be able to get myself to go over there in there first place.

I was just so distraught… scared. Frustrated. I’ve been going to the walk in clinic here in our little town for years… I mean, I rarely get sick and so had no reason to find myself a regular doctor. Now, I’m trying to find one, or get in the OBGYN I haven’t seen in years and years… all I keep hearing is 3 or 4 weeks.

My therapist was going to call the internist and try to get me in earlier, but when I called to chat with him about it, we kind of got in to an argument. I started to become really upset trying to explain the frustration I was feeling in trying to book myself an appointment and he actually says “I need you to use your adult voice”.

I was so angry and offended. How condescending is that? AND with all the hormonal and whatever other possibly thyroid or adrenal issues I’ve grappling with — that’s like demanding that a diabetic STOP his glucose from rising. I was pissed.

The whole thing ended badly and I called my Mom. She, of course, just told me she understands. She’s been through something similar. She loves me and everything will be ok.

After being able to get my emotions out, I could finally take a breath and try to make a plan about what to do.

Right now… my life just feels like an enormous anxious mess.

Published in: on December 27, 2012 at 5:48 pm  Comments (7)  
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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Damn – that was condescending! It would have made my blood boil if it weren’t already in overdrive if I was in your shoes.

    You’ve written a lot lately about what’s going on in your life in a lot of detail but I notice you didn’t mention much about “downtime” … could a short holiday/break help? Maybe you just need to get away from it all.

    I’ve had a hectic year (harsh break up and then I moved country too) and barely had time for myself. This month I was a little irritable at work and started to think that perhaps I should change jobs if this one was getting on my nerves so much. A colleague pointed out that perhaps it’s good that I’m off on holiday for the New Year as I need to “chill out” a little. That set me thinking and made me realise that my mood was affecting others too. Maybe this will help for you?

    Feel free to ignore me if this sounds condescending πŸ™‚

    • A break is a good idea, traveler. I am definitely going to see what I can do about that. Thanks for commenting. :).

  2. You’re an incredibly strong woman, really, I’m amazed you made it through the day, and I’m sorry to hear others couldn’t empathize properly and returned it with condescending remarks instead. Douches! Although it feels like a mess, you are hardly a mess, even if things are messy right now. Keep on holding to that flame of hope, however small it may be, and hopefully you receive the care and support you deserve. Ameen. Hugssss

    • Thanks for the encouragement, Pink. I think my therapist was a bit blindsided. He asked me about it later (via email).. I was honest, even though it felt rough… he said thanks for the feedback. I think we’re ok

      • You know, from taking my course on counselling, there are sooo many different types of therapists, techniques, and so forth, this is really more about your: what you need, want to accomplish, and are motivated by. So like, do what feels right to you, take charge and even change therapists if need be (or not, depending on what you feel is effective). There are like close to hundreds of different therapy styles, personalities, and individuals, don’t doubt yourself if you feel you need to make a positive change or even growth towards a different type of intervention or counselling professional. πŸ˜€ You have my support!

      • Nah.. we had a session & we are all good. Reconciled. Any change would feel liked breaking up after a little verbal disagreement.. plus, I dont even want to imagine the nightmare of starting over with someone else now.

      • Great to hear things are resolved! πŸ˜€ Hopefully you are keeping well. πŸ˜€

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