It’s My Birthday, damn it, and I’ll Cry If I Want To…

At 5:15 am I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor opening the box my Mom has sent me, and all the brightly wrapped gifts inside, while crying my eyes out.  I can’t help but think of how things were on this very day last year.

I had just returned from a fabulous visit with my family out-of-state.  I had my best girlfriend living next door, Capt. Amazing only an hours drive away, and The Ambassador holding my hand.  That’s all changed now, and I had some sadness wash over me about it.

At about the very same moment though, it also occurred to me that even though I had these incredible people SO close by, I wasn’t able to fully enjoy them.  Last year at the time my anxiety & panic were merciless.  They were chasing me down all the time.   It was interfering in my life every single day.

During the trip I had just returned from, I met up with an old friend of mine.  She was my total BFF in junior high school.  It was great being with her but I was very pre-occupied with my anxiety.  I had to insist on driving my own car to dinner.  I worried about the restaurant we went to, and we spent most of the rest of the time at my hotel.  I was terrified that I’d have a panic attack.  My anxiety was already at a higher level, since I was out of my normal routine and environment.  It could have been so much better.

On my birthday last year The Ambassador and I made plans with Capt. Amazing and Mz. Perfect to go rolling skating in the city…  I was really excited.  I love to roller skate, and so does The Ambassador but we had never gone together.  It was going to be a total blast!

I jumped out of bed super excited.  I knew I was living a rare shining moment… falling in love, having my closest friends near by and having had a chance to see my far away family twice that year!  I was just ecstatic and reveling in the joy.

I called The Ambassador and said “Get out of bed!  You’ve got to take me to breakfast.  It’s my birthday!”  We went, we ate, and as usual we totally laughed our asses off.  After lingering over breakfast for some time, I headed home.  That’s when it seemed all the anxiety of the upcoming social event HIT me.  I was crazy anxious, and that combined with the steak and eggs completely F-ed up my stomach.  I had to cancel the roller skating.

Then I stayed at home hiding the rest of the day hiding and feeling sick.  I am SO glad… SO thankful that I am healing.

I am missing my peeps very much today… all of them, but especially The Ambassador of Ambiguity.  The feelings about him seem to be more intense than those related to anyone else in my life… whether it be happy or sad.    I had been really trucking along well feeling more and more content about the whole thing, but today feels a little different.

I do realize I have SO so much to be thankful for.  Great job I love, beautiful house, fantastic healthy kids.  I also have many terrific people in my life but it feels like I have spent SUCH a long time chasing the elusive emotional intimacy.  6 years single, plus I had been chasing it for a few years before that as my marriage crumbled before my eyes.

Even when I have gotten my hands on some emotional intimacy (in a friendship, or romantic scenario), it is fleeting.  Just as I get it in my grip, it disappears again.  No permanence at all.

I totally understand the value of living near your extended family.  Out here hundreds of miles away from them, it is a constant struggle to maintain any emotional intimacy with anyone.  And because people seem to float in and out of my life so often these days, I feel like I have no real history with anyone.

Now, I must say… I have, by far THE most amazing family of anyone I have ever met, and I know some totally incredible people but I need face to face people in my personal life.  I feel a bit like a spoiled child… like I am complaining but I’ve got everything.  Everything except someone to love.  BUT, facts are facts, and I am wired that way.

*Sigh*  God knows this about me.  I’m sure things are going to get better, but I have to get through this healing time.  I’m sure when I look back on it, it will feel like a short season of solitude but for the moment… it kinda stinks.

A firm spanking might could turn this whole day around though! lol

Published in: on November 22, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Happy birthday. Sincerely.

  2. Hey, we all get to host our own pity parties from time to time, as long as we don’t stay too long at them! Hope your birthday ended on a high note! 🙂

    • It was perfectly bitter sweet. I have never more fully felt the meaning of that until that particular day. SO glad to see ur comments again, Tiff. You are like sunshine. 🙂

      • So sorry I have been so busy lately! Finally finalized adoptions and then more craziness broke out… story of my life!

      • You have so much light u give to everyone around you. I know it must be *really* tough what you’re doing. I’m just glad to see u. U guys are amazing. Many kudos and prayers for u guys! ❤

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