Out of the Blue

I closed a door to the past today

I was puttering around the house, with my ear buds in.  Cleaning up and such, when I looked up to see my little chiweenie looking out the window and barking.  I realized someone was at the door, even though I hadn’t heard the knocking with music blaring in my head.

I popped out the ear buds and swung open the door.  There stood The Stalkerish Ex-Boyfriend.  I was shocked.  He lives two states away.  “What are you doing here?” I demanded sternly.

He started to stumble over his words saying he wasn’t going to do this but he was driving by the house, and blah blah blah.  He looked at his toes, probably sorry he’d come… and he should have been.  He had not been invited.  It was just another way he steps over my boundaries and then says he couldn’t help himself.  That kind of behavior is what has earned him The Stalkerish moniker.

He apologized a few times, and we had some words.  I said “I’m sorry but no matter how many times I say it, you just don’t hear me and I don’t want that in my life.  The last time we spoke you took some very personal things I had told you and spit them back at me in anger.”  He started to speak but I cut him off, “and don’t say you don’t remember because that would just make it worse.  It was something SO hurtful and traumatic for me and to think you don’t even remember…” I shook my head as my words trailed off.  He apologized again.

Then a thought of Jesus flashed in my mind and I decided I didn’t want to be unkind.  I’m not that person and I fully believe God sends people across our paths for a reason.  He was standing out in the cold.  I know he’s no danger to me so I unlocked the hefty metal gate between us and let him in.

I told him I was feeling anxious and so I was going to stand.  He sat at the dining table.  We had some conversation…  He said people are leaving his life left and right.  He doesn’t want to be an old man all alone with no friends or family.  He showed me a picture of the girl he’s been dating since June and said “I’m screwing it up.”

I took one look at the photo and wasn’t sure whether or not to believe him.  She wasn’t the type of girl I’d ever seen him date before.  She was kind of mousey, I guess.  I told him it looked like something was going on there… they did NOT look cosy in the photo.

He said he’s having the same problems in that relationship that he did with me.  He spent a whole lot of time saying other people have problems… blaming the situations on them but he’s starting to realize, it’s him.

I nodded.  “Yep.  You’re the only constant in all those situations.   People like us, who grew up the way with did with all the abuse and neglect…  We NEED therapy.  We need it if we’re going to stop screwing up all our relationships.  We have to pull out all that old crap we don’t want to look at, and re-examine it so we can let go of it.  It’s painful, but more than anybody we need to do it.”

“But there’s so much stuff… I mean, where do you even start?” he asked.

“You pray.  God will direct your paths, if you let him.  You find a counselor and you tell him what you just told me.  He’ll know where to go from there.  My guy has been doing this for 30 years.  Thirty years, he’s worked with thousands of people and he’s been trained.  He’ll know where to go from there.”

We talked for a while and I found some wise words leaping from my lips. I told him about my own therapy experiences.  Not just now, but in the past too.  I have had counselors who were idiots, and didn’t understand me at all but sure thought they did.  (eye roll) I’ve also had good therapy experiences, but then bailed when it started to get hard.  I had to finally get to a point where I fully committed and said “I’m gonna do whatever it takes to get all the way through this… and see it through… to completion.”

There was some self disclosure but I was very careful about what I shared with him.  I certainly have no desire to throw my pearls to pigs.

He asked what it was that led me to finally cut him out of my life completely.  I was very honest with him but there was kindness and compassion behind my words.  I believe in the truth, but not brutal truth.  Brutal is never good.

I told him I have seen him chase down drama and conflict and I don’t want that in my life.  I told him I know understand why his sister, who has had much therapy, freezes out anyone who brings chaos and unpleasantness in to her life.

I also said, I want to live a life with no secrets, and no weird emotional undercurrents.  I think he was still holding out hope that we would get back together, even though I have been extremely clear with him.  It’s not going to happen.  I can’t be with someone who fights and unfairly at that.  It’s traumatic for me.  When it comes to fight or flight, I’d rather be with someone who withdraws so as not to hurt his partner.

Still, as many times as I have told him, even though he knew I was crazy in love with The Ambassador, he was still hanging on to it.  People have commented on it after seeing his comments on my Facebook… even The Ambassador once said “that guy’s in love with you.”

He tried to deny it and said “You saw what I wrote.  I was Mr. Neutral.”

I just said “Well… sometimes what we’re feeling sneaks out, even if we don’t want it to.”

I also told him I was having a hard time believing a word he said, because he had repeatedly promised to respect my boundaries and never has.

“Look,” I said, “those behaviors are driven by something deep down inside… and until you fix what’s down inside you are just forcing the behaviors.  You can only do that so long before you return to what comes natural.”

He was still trying his old tricks.  Trying to get sympathy by talking about his medical issues.  Trying to blame the behavior on the pain medication he’s taking.  Attempting to guilt me by saying “I understand if you never want to talk to me for the rest of your life.”  Nothing worked, and I called him out on it.  “And quit trying to guilt me with that,” I said.  He laughed.

In the end, I told him “Don’t contact me — at all.”

“I won’t” he said.  I just stared at him.  “I won’t, I promise.”

“We’ll see” I replied.  If he does contact me again, I’ll just ignore the text messages, emails, phone calls… whatever.  It’s what I’ve been doing for the last 5 months or so.

I’ve really been sticking to my guns, which, it turns out has really hit home for him.  It’s a huge part of what now has him looking very seriously at therapy….  who knows if he’ll actually do it though.  He seemed to have plenty of excuses which he rattled off while I rolled my eyes.

That’s up to him.  He can decide to live his life however he wants… but I did feel we got some closure.  I closed the book on that situation.

Maybe that’s the deal with people showing up at my door these days…  God’s sending closure right to my doorstep.  🙂

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Published in: on November 11, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. a soft and lovely post


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