Delayed Reactions

The day after The Ambassador’s visit was fraught with anxiety for me.  He had texted that night saying again that I looked good and he missed making me laugh.  Then that morning I had seen him drive past the house like a red flash of light, with his buddy in the car next to him.

It was also therapy day, and I always have anxiety on therapy days.  With all the super emotional events of the past week, I was starting to panic.  Concerned that I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I needed to do that day, like make it to therapy for one…. pick up my kids, swing by the auto repair shop…  I gave in and took a Xanax.

I’m sure part of my unease was thinking about The Ambassador’s visit the previous day and turning it over in my head.  Remembering extra little details like telling him I had just been thinking about him and then BAM, there he was.  “Ya, we have that kind of intuition, you and I” he said.

In that moment something occurred to me.  I have been praying for him often, but I remember that some time ago there were a few days when I was so incredibly worried about him falling off the wagon.  I didn’t know why.  There was no logical reason.  It was just something I felt.  I was worried about his sobriety and prayed and prayed and prayed my heart out asking the Lord to keep him safe and strong.

I thought about that bonfire with his old friends that he mentioned.

I remembered him telling me he had the books I’d given him out sort of on display in his apartment, and his friends had teased him about being “Highly Sensitive” when they saw the book.. and how he still uses the coffee cup with the picture of us on it every day.

I’m sure there were just a million things zipping around in my brain and I tried to slow the thoughts and write them down.  I also wrote down all that had happened within the last week since I’d seen my therapist.  So much happened this week, I had to write it down.

Once seated and talking with my counselor I told him —  it’s not just The Ambassador..  “I was anxious when Captain Amazing stopped by my place on his way to LA, and anytime any of my girlfriends call.  I’m just not going towards people well at all right now.”

“Well,” he replied “you’re taking off all your armor.”

I am certainly doing that.  I have felt so vulnerable and emotional through this process.  I definitely feel like I have taken my armor off.  I have been using all kinds of defense mechanisms in overdrive to protect myself…  being secretive, being removed, lying to myself, denial… for such a long time.  I kind of feel naked right now.  lol.

I didn’t sleep well that night, but I didn’t expect to either.  I figured that was all normal considering the hugely emotional last few days, but when I was still anxious the next day…  and then a third night laying down and not being able to sleep–  I started to consider getting back on meds on a regular basis.

Maybe I’m pushing myself too hard, and trying to get through this therapy too fast.  Does it have to be this miserable?  I’m not even really living my life.  I’ve just been surviving.  I realize the meds would probably slow the therapy way down but it’s been so tough… maybe it’d be worth it.

I poured my heart out to the Lord, then closed my eyes and decided I’d see how I felt in the morning…  Well, now it’s morning and guess what…  I feel like dancing!  Lighter, happier, more energetic, and more peaceful inside…. almost maybe even carefree.  ALMOST.

Hallelujah, no regular meds for me!

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Published in: on November 1, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. lovely and sweet post. Write down is a needness for me too. All the best. Walter


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