An Overwhelming Emotional Experience

I had been journaling about my recent break up the other day when I realized that it wasn’t so much The Ambassador I was angry at for some of the things that happened… but at myself.  I was really angry at myself for seeing some things and not saying anything about them.  I once saw him chatting with a girl on Facebook.  He quickly closed it, and I told myself I had nothing to worry about… but I still think about that.  It bothers me and I should have said something.

There are a few situations like this that are still gnawing at me today and I realized it’s not him I need to forgive really…  It’s me.  Forgiveness is a peculiar thing.  For instance, I have read that the more you try to will forgiveness, the longer it takes… and even more frustrating…  It seems forgiving yourself is often much harder than forgiving others.

So, I had come to the realization that it was myself I needed to forgive but I wasn’t sure how to go about.  I was pissed that I was weak and afraid and didn’t say word one about it.  I just held it in, and it still bothers me to this day.  I was angry that I had been so afraid that I held back some things and didn’t protect our relationship.  I was also angry at myself about this anxiety bs.  I feel like I am scared all the time.  Where’s my strenght?!  What have I become?

I turned this over in my mind through out Sunday morning.  I had to pick up my kiddos from thier Dad’s house.  He co-habitates with a woman who has 3 of her own children…  So, as you can imagine, it gets chaotic over there.  I was trying to help her find some tights, and as I stepped in to her room and saw clothes piled up, and drawers packed so full you couldn’t open them– she and I both started feeling overwhelmed.  My little girl even started to tear up.

I comforted her and calmed her down.  As I did that, I realized that I am going through this rough time so I can teach my children how to find thier peace as well.  The world is much like their Dad’s house.  It can get chaotic and wear on you and it’s filled with people who just keep buying more junk and piling it on the top instead of managing what was already there.  Filled with people who care more about how things look than what they actually are.

I am learning how to find peace in a crazy world, so I’ll be able to teach that to them too.

Once we got to church, the kids took off to thier children’s classes and I stood in the front row, heart wide open, singing praises… feeling the tears run down my face.  (That happens quite often for me.  I’m the church crier.)  The Pastor got  up to speak and talked some about trying to find peace in a wild world.  I wasn’t too surprised because when the Lord is trying to tell me something, he often tells me more than once… but when he started talking about counting your blessings… all the things that God has done for you, I had a startling experience.

Parts of my life flashed through my mind like they were on a movie screen in fast forward.  It was old things, but today too.  I was flooded with all the ways the Lord gives me strength every single day.  He has rescued me, carried me through and sustained me.  Although I felt weak, what flashed before my eyes were a million different things He gives me strength in each and every day.

I am out here in California all alone, thousands of miles away from my family.  I have lived an extraordinary life…  it may feel ordinary now, but even in that–  I am doing what everyday joes just don’t do…  I’m writing a book, employed in meaningful work, crawling through therapy.  All the things flooded over me like a tsunami and I was racked with sobs.  They were tears of overwhelming joy.

I was so moved and overcome with tears that I almost ran out of there… but instead, two of my girlfriends who know most of what has been happening with me…  Swept around me like mother birds and held me in their arms until the service ended and I could take a break and tell them what happened.

I don’t know how else to explain the power of this even to you, except to say that it was completely overwhelming.   I had an emotional hangover for the rest of the day….  but joy came in the morning.  🙂

Published in: on October 28, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. You have always struck me by how honest you are. You’re so incredibly brave. Love the laundry analogies too. Honoring yourself definitely means paying attention to those small things. Great that you have now! Most stay in denial for years…

    • Thanks Pink. Becoming more honest was part of why I started this blog. I’m so glad you’re still with me, btw. My stats have really dropped. I think my reckless behaviors were much more fun to read! Lol… oh well.. No turning back now! I am much happier this way.

      • I think life just gets busy. My stats have dropped too, but then again, I figure that it’s because the search terms for like ‘sad kitten’ must have lowered recently. haha.. I like just focusing my blog back at me, instead of an audience, you know? Sometimes our writing can be about pleasing others and I really try to focus on what makes me happy. You’re totally honest with yourself with is refreshing! Besides, many who start blogs and read them often get behind. So it’s not you by any means, if anything your writing has become more person and in-depth 😀

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