No Secrets

I have been slacking on journaling through the last bit of junk about The Ambassador.  I realized I’m not getting closure on this because I don’t want to.   I’m not ready to close the book on The Ambassador yet, for all the reasons I mentioned in my post “No Regrets”.

I had a dream a few weeks ago that I was standing in my closet talking and laughing with The Ambassador of Ambiguity in total bliss.  That was it… That was the whole dream.  I didn’t think much of it since it was so simplistic, but eventually I did mention it to my therapist.  He was visibly affected.  He suddenly leaned back in his chair and started to chuckle a bit.

I tipped my head to the side, completely unsure why he was reacting in such a dramatic way.  I think he often chuckles because my dreams are so often profound, and I think that surprises him.  Still, I didn’t think this particular dream was a big deal until he started talking about being in a closet refers to keeping secrets.  Then I got it.

Even that day walking in to his office I was rapidly searching through things in my head trying to decide what I was going to share with him and maybe what I wasn’t.  The fact that I was purposely dragging my feet on The Ambassador thing…  How I really felt about it… all of that.

After the interpretation of the dream, I spilled it.  I told him all the things I’d been considering keeping a secret.  I told him why I don’t talk to my friends about it.. and on and on and on.  I have a really hard time putting things that are really close to my heart out there for the world to see.  I don’t want to have to defend myself and I get scared that even though they may be people I trust, they might smash on it.

I’d actually been thinking about secrets lately… how much energy it takes to keep them pushed down.  I don’t want that.  They eat you up.  I have no use for secrets anymore.  Now, I am not saying I am going to over share with every Tom, Dick, and Harry… but with the people I love and trust…  I don’t need secrets.  I want to live my life so that I can have no behaviors I feel so ashamed of that I keep them secret… and if that happens, I want to be strong enough to confront the issue openly.

I have often read or seen movies and tv where a couple will say “we have no secrets from each other” and I just couldn’t wrap my head around that…  “Ya right.  How could that even be possible?” I thought.  But now I think I’m starting to understand.

Published in: on October 23, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I actually think your therapist is the last person you want to keep anything from. How are they supposed to be able to help you as well as possible if they are missing data?

    • You have a very good point but it’s not logical.. it’s a fear of intimacy. Therapy is one of the most highly personal things we do in life.

      • Hmm. I hadn’t thought of that.

      • Lol… ya, it took me 5 months to realize why I get so damn nervous every time.

  2. Hugs.. love this post! It soo reminds me of the qualities of an INFJ, where we often do this to prevent hurting loved ones. I’m totally with you on the not revealing so as to have to defend our intuition for decisions we make. I have my own Ambassador of Ambiguity too that I leave open for a variety of reasons, which is also a trait of INFJ. You’re amazing. Hugs…

    • Yes but the problem is.. keeping those secrets compromises us. It is to our detriment… I think a better choice is to just be yourself & let them deal with it.

      • You’re soo right.. it comes with my wanting to be liked… sigh… I so gots to work on that… and not wanting to hurt people.. but we do in the end anyhow when we hold back who we are.

        Such wisdom I am learning from you! 😀


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