Neurotic Frustration

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
–Robert Frost

One time The Ambassador told me he had to drive out-of-town to go to a meeting for work, and he had such an incredibly high level of anxiety that he wanted to quit his job, run home and hide under the covers.  I fully understood that the other day when I had to drive out-of-town for a training class.

It didn’t make any sense because I lived in that town for years… I even worked at the facility where we had the class.  I know that building like the back of my hand.  STILL, it felt like every muscle in my body was clenched as tight as it would go for the entire drive.  The anxiety also upset my stomach some.  I almost made myself late because I had to stop twice to go to the bathroom.

When I finally did get there, I realized there was a whole LOT of people crammed in to a room two sizes too small.  That didn’t help.  Mz. Heinous being nearby didn’t help.  I had a really high level of anxiety all day long.  It was incredibly uncomfortable… bordering on excruciating.

When I finally did get home it took a good two hours for me to calm down.  I wrapped a blanket tight around me and sat on the couch writing an email to my therapist.  I was beyond frustrated.  I have been at this for like 5 months now and still…. I can’t even drive myself to the city without panicking the whole way.  I remembered all my adventures when I was young…   I have rapelled down the side of waterfalls, stood toe to toe with Marine Generals, traveled, played, ridden over The Brooklyn Bridge, walked in to NBC studios, traipsed around Manhattan, explored LA, been to packed clubs, and outdoor concerts… and I felt like I had been robbed of all of that.

I asked my counselor if we are on the right track.   Once again I found myself wondering if it would work… if all this emotional pain and therapy and time and money I’m spending would actually work.   Will it really resolve the anxiety?  Will it all be worth it?

I spoke to my friend, who’s a nurse and pointed me toward the hormone imbalance.  Most days I feel like the cream and vitamins I am taking to manage the imbalance is working… and then I have a day like that day.  CRASH.

My nurse friend pointed out that I have come a really long way.  She mentioned that a couple of months ago when I first consulted her, things were so much worse.  I was having anxiety like that every day… even trying to drive the measly 2 miles to work.  She said looking from the outside in she could see the difference.  She also reminded me that this trip was a higher level than my everyday routine.  She said it’s going to take time.  Sometimes even 6-9 months for the progesterone cream to fully correct the imbalance.

When I saw my therapist for an emergency session, he mentioned it’s been 5 weeks since I have had an episode like that where I felt out of control.  Of course, I haven’t been out-of-town in 5 weeks, but I remembered what the nurse said about it being a higher level.

Also, what else am I going to do?  Go backwards?  I don’t think I could do that if I tried…  and I don’t want to.  Besides, God is leading me down this path… and it’s hard.  It’s frustrating, emotionally painful… brutal even, but I am going to continue walking that path to its completion.  It’s been absolutely the most emotionally difficult, and trying time of my whole life but even if I wanted to jump the tracks…  I wouldn’t even know what other way to go.

I often wonder how many of us make decisions like addicts… only changing when it becomes MORE uncomfortable to stay the same than it is to change.  Going backward… definitely worse than continuing forward.