No Regrets

As painful as the entire thing with The Ambassador has been, and even more–  realizing that I have done the same things to the people I shared time with.  There was a lot of hurt.  Still, today I feel grateful.

Last session my therapist said “The key to maturity is learning how to forgo immediate gratification in order to improve your future.”  I thought about that for a minute and all I could think was…  That was The Ambassador.   He taught me so much about that with his whole “go slow, get to know” thing.  I am truly changed by him.

I’m grateful that God put The Ambassador in my path, because I don’t know that I would have learned that hard truth about myself without that experience.  I’m also terribly grateful to have known such a man.

I’ll never regret loving a man who pumps gas for the elderly whenever he gets the chance… Who has pulled a dog from the grips of torture (she had literally been stabbed in the head by the drug addicts who were keeping her) paid for all her medical care and nursed her back to health.  I don’t for one minute regret sharing time with a man who shed tears watching “Courageous” and gets down on his knees every day to pour his heart out to the Lord.

While in the midst of these overwhelming feelings of gratitude and appreciation, I scrawled a letter to The Ambassador in my journal.  I have not yet decided whether or not I’ll actually send it to him though.

I deeply believe we should tell people how much we care about them while we have the chance, because we all know life is short.  We never know how much time we have left.  Plus, I feel like these words were put on my heart for a reason.

I think this would be a terrific action to gain some emotional closure to the situation once I completely finish working through it in my journal.  It even sounds a little like a good-bye letter.

Still, I can’t help but wonder how a letter like this would affect the current climate between us, if there is any… so like I said, I haven’t decided.   Would love to hear your thoughts, blogger friends.  Here’s the letter…

Dear Ambassador,

I am continuing to work through my therapy stuff and I want to tell you–  I’ve been changed by knowing you.

Letting you lead me down the path of going slow has had a profound effect on me.  It gave me a chance to really know and see the heart of another.  Through that I realized how vital it is to give things time to grow…  not just in relationships but in many things in life.  I’m still not the most patient person in the world, but I’m learning…

Knowing you even through the push-pull showed me some things about myself that I didn’t even know were there…  my craving intimacy and also being terrified by it–  Knowing you has led me down a path of so much self discovery.  I’m truly a better person for having known you. 

I learned so much from you and from our experience together.  I don’t regret one second we spent together.  How could I ever regret falling in love with a man who once told me “if I had a million dollars, I’d create a million jobs”?  Who tells me to hold on while we are talking on the phone so he can feed a homeless man digging through the trash…  I could go on and on here. 

In all honestly, I still hope our time together is not over forever, but I realize we  both have things to work through…  Who knowns what God has in store for each of us, but whatever happens, I am deeply grateful for the time we shared together.

With love and well wishes,

Cadence

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Published in: on October 16, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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9 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Send it. Like you said, we should tell people how we feel because life is short. And who wouldn’t love getting a letter like that? 😉

    • Thank you, Skye. I teared up reading that. You are a fantastic spirit. Miss ya.

  2. I think it’s great that you are focusing on the positive, but he’s lied to you in the past, and been very hurtful through this dishonesty. Of course there are many things I don’t know about your situation, but I think you need to balance it out. He should take responsibility fpor waht he’s done. Have you asked your therapist about sending it? I would.

    • I did discuss it with my therapist but he never says do or don’t. I am certainly focusing on the positive but I am not blind to the other stuff either. Truth is, I haven’t sent it yet because I am still feeling somewhat bitter about those things. I am still trying to figure that stuff out & when I do feel some peace about it.. I may send it. It is meant only to be honest about how I feel & be the final act of closure. I just don’t know if I am quite ready to close the book on it yet.

  3. Send it Cadence! I sent my husband a goodbye letter and it changed our path forever. In mine, I told him I had realized he wasn’t going to love me the way I wanted him to, but that I’d be honored to remain friends as we both moved on. It was his light bulb moment. I didn’t know it at first, but a year or so later he confessed that the letter made him feel like it was now or never. I am not at all suggesting the outcome will be the same, I’ve realized I can be a bit overly optimistic and naive, but I do believe that those exact words you wrote were on your heart for a reason, to further your journey, and you have to send them, to see what the furthering entails!

    • Tiff, I love your optimistic heart & I don’t think it’s “overly optimistic”. I am the same way. I guess I just scared to risk changing the path. Although it hurts to have that empty space in my heart where he used to live… the thought of him changing gears is super scary too. I am in such a raw place with the whole therapy thing right now.

      Thanks for weighing in. I also believe the words were put on my heart for a reason.

  4. I think I agree with everybody else here. Send it, if you feel you want to. Because then you’ll just sit around and wonder why you never sent it.

    • Ya. I hate that feeling… to keep thinking about something like that. Sometimes its a good indicator that I haven’t fully resolved that situation. Glad u put in your two cents. Thanks!

  5. You’re such an amazing person as you have described many feelings that I have been experiencing too. Thank you for airing these out. 😀


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