I swear you were put on this earth just to kick me in the balls!

collecting a jar of hearts

Like the title?  Yeah, that’s a quote from The Stalkerish Ex-boyfriend.  He said it a long time ago, and I never fully understand what he meant…  Until today.

He used to tell me all the time that when we start getting close, I withdraw.  His reaction to this is to become angry, and start fighting like a wolverine.  Because of this kind of reaction, he’s out.  I can’t deal with that.  I find that kind of behavior hurtful and damaging, so he’s gone… BUT it doesn’t mean his hypothesis was wrong.  It’s not.  In fact, it’s totally right.

I have been the distancer in relationships for about as long as I can remember… and now, after my experiences with The Ambassador, I know how it feels to watch someone you just want to be close to fight it, withdraw, and push you away.  It’s excruciating and I started thinking about when I have done that, which is many many times…  as far back as my high school sweetheart.  I REALLY did him wrong… and have since tracked him down and sincerely apologized for it.

With The Hunky Mechanic,  I had finally stopped dating completely inappropriate men who I’d never make a serious committment to.  Still… being in a relationship with him… a man who is trustworthy, full of good character, and extremely attractive freaked me out.  Watching him move the relationship along, and knowing he was wanting more….  sent me over the edge.

There I was hauling my bag back and forth to work everyday as he nearly begged me to leave some things at his house.  I didn’t even realize I was doing it at the time, but I hid myself, withdrew, distanced and eventually ran.  I couldn’t have told him how I was feeling even if I wanted to because I didn’t know.  I was actively ignoring it.  I was simply floating through, trying not to think about it until I started to feel freaked out, then I’d run.

Still, I know he’s a good man so whenever he would come back around, I’d give it another chance but I hadn’t worked through any of my fears of intimacy, so the cycle would start again.  Same thing with The Stalkerish Ex-boyfriend.  Sound like a kick in the balls to you?

There he stood watching me continue holding back, while he wanted nothing more than to be close to me.  Talk about heart ache.  Watching The Ambassador do that with me was like torture.  Even when things were good, I couldn’t fully enjoy it because he seemed ready to bolt at any minute.  It was like trying to catch a frightened stray cat.

Now, I maintain that The Hunky Mechanic and I are very different.  We aren’t right for each other…  but I have to wonder if that is completely true, or just my excuse for keeping him at arm’s length.

Many, many of my friends can’t understand why I have been so understanding with The Ambassador.  Here’s why —  All the things he’s done, I’ve done.  Jumping out of one relationship out of fear, and right in to another.  Holding back, not saying what I felt.  Looking around frantically for a reason to run.  I’m sure I’ve hurt plenty of people along the way– and then when I met The Ambassador of Ambiguity I was suddenly on the other side of the coin.

I have said about The Ambassador many times that he craves intimacy but at the same time is terrified by it.  I could say the absolute same thing for me.  It was like looking in to a mirror… only instead of just seeing it, I was FEELING it.  I don’t want to be that girl anymore… collecting a jar of hearts.  Letting others get attached while I remain removed.

I had a crazed amount of anxiety over all this– for a few days even.  I was even late for my therapy session this week, but I went.  As hard as it may be, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I explained all this to my therapist and he seems to think that as I continue my personal therapy, working through all sorts of things from my past, it will start to feel differently.  I won’t be terrified of relationships anymore.

“But I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember” I said.  To which, my therapist replied “I don’t think you knew any other way.”

Damn, was he right.  It’s the relationship pattern I watched with my mother all my life.  Bottle everything up.  Don’t talk about it.  Just swallow it down until you can’t take it anymore then bail… but make sure you hold back… hold back, hold back, hold back, because he’ll eventually hurt you in the end.  Well, I am learning another way.

My therapist even went so far as to say, in another 2 or 3 months, I’ll feel completely different.  That means by the start of the new year…   That would really make for on hell of a NEW year, wouldn’t it?

Jeez, I hope he’s right because after realizing my part in these relationship patterns, seeing The Ambassadors car and then getting a text from The Hunky Mechanic saying “I sure wish we could make this work with us”–  I was so shaken I thought I’d throw up.

In “The Dance of Intimacy” by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. — it reads “Intimacy can happen only after we work toward a more solid self.”  So, I guess I am on the right track.  So, wish me luck… or better yet, wish me STRENGTH.  ❤

Published in: on October 14, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (8)  
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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. consider it done! xoxo

  2. I wish you strength. Also I want to let you know as someone who came out on the other side of therapy whole, that it does work and you will feel different. You might even wonder why it took you so long to realize all the things you were doing, and that they don’t work for you anymore. Don’t count out Hunky too soon either, from what you have written about him in your blog he seems like a guy that knows what he wants and sticks around to fight for it.

    • Sharing that u have come thru the other side of therapy & that it does work.. priceless to me. I dont know anyone who has done anything more than dabble in it & there’s so much emotional pain for me, it leaves me constantly wondering if it will be worth it. Thank u so much for sharing what u did.

  3. […] just read Cadence Harper’s post I swear you were put on this earth just to kick me in the balls! And I totally saw shades of Ginger in that post. I’ve never had the problem of keeping […]

  4. amazing quote, thank you! I shall tweet this! Amazing post. Your journey is incredible as I reflect on my own as well. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. 😀

    • Thanks Pink.. good to know I’m not the only person in earth traveling this kind of journey!

      • It’s ironic how much you and I have in common actually. Kinda spooky. Wooo.. wooo… Happy Halloween! 😀 And absolutely, you’re definitely not alone. Nope. Sing it Michael!

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