Fast and Furious

The break throughs are coming fast and furious now.  I had another one relating to my mother, the skeptic.

I was going through this phase of being very angry with her.   In working through Self Matters and examining my internal dialogue, I had realized there was a whole lot of toxic negative shit in there and it stemmed from her.  I was angry, not only about that, but because she was an irresponsible parent.  Not only was she physically and emotionally abusive but she also repeatedly brought other abusers in to our lives.  She also moved us all around the damn country, which pulled my sisters and I away from other supportive family members.  We were in a sense, trapped with her.

I didn’t share any of this with my Mom, still The Gypsy Woman knew something was up.   She kept texting me like “Hey.. hows it going?  Everything ok?”  Still, I thought it better not to share this with her.  I knew I wouldn’t be angry forever and I have confronted her with the childhood stuff — I knew she would apologize, feel horribly guilty and it wouldn’t change anything.

So, I continued to journal my ass off, remain committed to the therapy and hope for the best.

One afternoon, after dragging myself around all day battling a cold, I laid down for a nap—  and I had the most incredible dream.  I was in a house, in a doorway arguing with my mother.   I was looking right in to her face and saying, almost shouting “You can’t ignore it if it’s really there!  You can’t ignore it!  I know you wanted to ignore it and I said it anyway but you can’t ignore it if it’s really there.  That kind of thing kills people from the inside out!  It kills people from the inside out.”

Then I left the house.  I was in the back yard of an enormous 3 story house…  just pacing when I look up and my mother is on the roof.  She’s walking toward the steepest part of the roof wearing a nightgown and bathrobe and smoking a cigarette.  At first I thought maybe she had something suicidal in mind, but quickly realized that was NOT the case…  She was just what we call 5150.  The definition of that is “mental case”.  She was just sick.

The cigarette seemed to be throwing her off-balance, but I didn’t want to ask her to drop it for fear it might start the leaves on the roof and in the gutters on fire. I watched her and struggled for what to say.  In the end I stood there looking up at her on the roof, and then woke up.

I knew it was a meaningful dream so when I woke up I picked up my trusty dream dictionary and went to work.  I looked up “house” which represents me.  I looked up “roof” which  is representative of my coping mechanisms…  That’s when my jaw dropped.  Next I looked up “fight” thinking about the confrontation we had… and it talked about anger etc.

I was so shocked..  I was sure that since I had confronted her, she metaphorically left my house.  I can’t tell you the kind of joy that gave me.  It also gave me a whole new way of looking at my mother.  Looking up at her on the roof, so distraught and confused, I felt a kind of pity.  I saw her very much as a child who doesn’t have the same ability to make decisions and foresee consequences as an adult does…  but see, the trick is, children don’t make decisions that carry such serious consequences.  My mother had all the consequences adults incur, but with a child’s decision-making skills.

I wondered for a moment if this was really a better way to see her.  I mean, it was kind of pity…  Then I realized.  It’s ok to love her like I love my kids.  I love them but I recognize their limitations…  they’re children.  My Mom is not a child, she’s sick.  My Mom has bi-polar disorder.  I understand now, I can’t expect her to operate like me.  She has limitations.

That doesn’t excuse everything.  I mean, she couldn’t look around her crazy life and realize maybe she needed to get some help or do things differently, but this break through also somehow helped me to accept what happened in the past and LET GO OF IT.  What’s in the past is in the past.  It’s over and done.

I don’t know how much this story means to some of my readers and blogger friends.. but to me, it’s enormous.  It is a huge breakthrough in my inner world.. in my internal dialogue, in how I see myself and my past.

For my readers, and blogger friends…  I want you to know something I wish someone would have told me when I embarked on this process…  It gets easier— SO much easier.  At first it’s a struggle, especially if you have some gnarly experiences to deal with.  You really have to HANG ON.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other even though they feel like they are made of lead.  You have to look at things you don’t want to look at.  Admit things you’d rather not, and feel all that sadness and sorrow and anger about things that have happened to you that you may have been trying like hell to ignore, but it DOES get easier.  It gets to the point where therapy feels like you’re on a greased track, sliding along faster and faster.  You’re making progress and you couldn’t stop if you tried.  In fact, it doesn’t just get easier, my friends, it even starts to get –joyous!

Published in: on September 30, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I love your post today Cadence! My sister is Bi-polar. I totter between feeling angry at her for not taking care of her children and then feeling sorry for her because she couldn’t take care of her children. It’s a struggle for sure. Glad to see you making another break through! And sharing this may just help someone else make peace with the bi-polar person in their inner-circle, ya never know! 🙂

    • Yes.. I felt quite angry with my mother thru this process, especially since I am a mother now. I couldn’t see how she could not see what I saw… but she doesn’t have the same thought process I have. I’ve gained a great deal acceptance of that now. I really hope it does help someone else. Writing is a gift God gave me & the best thing I can do with it is to help others.

  2. thank you I am struggling with my adult bipolar daughter

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