The Reason

I posted earlier about each one of my close friends being removed one by one.  I also replied to Pink Ninjabi that I am sure it’s happening for a reason.  I think I’ve discovered what that is.

I know I have mentioned that I have been in therapy.  I have seen therapists off and on through out my adult life.  Some helped, some were idiots.  I started again recently because I was having such an incredible amount of anxiety, and panic that it was making it very difficult to operate my life.  I finally just got fed up with it and decided I would do whatever it takes to take back control of my life and resolve the issue.  And I mean RESOLVE IT… not manage it, not learn to live with it…  RESOLVE IT.

So far it’s been one hell of a rocky road. I’ve had to learn to listen to my intuition all over again.  It seems I have been ignoring it and making decisions based on some other haphazard ridiculous reasons…  mostly in my romantic life.  For some reason, the other aspects are fine.

I also had to learn to pin point what emotions I was feeling at the moment.  It seemed every freakin’ thing was covered by the panic.  I stopped any anti-anxiety meds and suffered through, becoming more and more reclusive.  I discovered a hormone imbalance that was causing the great majority of my panic and corrected that…. and here I am today.

I am sure God has removed these people from my life to give me a chance to concentrate solely and completely on me and completing this therapy.  Despite the hormone imbalance being corrected, there are still some anxiety issues that I am sure are psychological.  I have had a hell of a life, starting with a reckless out of control mother, her abuse, and that of others she brought in to our lives.

Now, I am in therapy and really getting to the tough part… absolutely brutal.  I’m at the point where it’s time to start dragging out all the childhood bullshit.  Last time I was in therapy, a few years ago, I got to this point and then quit.  I dreaded every session and couldn’t really see how it would be helpful to rehash all those old stories.  It just felt like hurt, hurt, hurt.

That’s how this therapy stuff was feeling now too.  After my last session, I had a very severe therapy hangover.  Crying jags all day, and having to force myself to leave the house.  I was doing some volunteer work with the church and finding myself even bursting in to tears there in public.

Just lots of hurt, and having to drag my ass down the therapists office every time.  Once I realized this, I decided I’ve been running from that hurt for a long time and it’s time to face it head on.  I need to pull out those childhood experiences and take a look at them…  reframe them with an adult mindset, instead of the distorted interpretation of a child.

So, I started working on it.   I threw myself in to it.  Every day things cross my path and threaten to distract me from it.  Until recently, dating has been the absolute best distraction.  I can write one hell of an online profile… Just post it up there and suddenly I’ve got as many emails as I can possibly manage.  There will be an initial flood of emails to sort through.  Then maybe find a couple of guys I’m interested in… Get numbers, do a little text messaging, maybe have a couple of dates…  Spend plenty of time trying to figure out if I like them, if something could work, if I want to go on another date, how fast it’s going…  blah blah blah.  Plenty of distraction.

Well, not only has God removed a bunch of friends from my life, but also the desire to put some kind of advertisement of myself up on an electronic billboard in an attempt to get a date.  Right now, I’ve got absolutely no desire to dive in to the dating world again…. Instead I am driven and determined to work through whatever psychological toxic waste has been dragging me down and influencing my relationships and my life.

It’s not the most exciting thing to read about…  My blog stats have pretty much dropped to half…  It’s not as much fun for me either, and it sure ain’t sexy…  but it’s my journey and where I’m at in this moment.  I’m plugging along, and I think I’m even seeing some progress…  more to come.

Published in: on September 6, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (6)  
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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. great post!…from reason to love…self love, self respect…some reason, but much love, self love. I feel me happy feeling you well. Sincerely, Walter

    • What a terrific comment. The post is just very genuinely me. Many thanks, Walter!

      • Many thanks, Cadence.

  2. You are an absolute inspiration, and please don’t let stats get you down when what really matters are the numbers you are keeping with yourself as to the percentage of progress you are making within. My apologies for the delay in my reply as I have been bogged down, but delighted to see that you are facing these head on. I found that getting through this swamp, means clearer waters ahead. It can just feel like one paddle at a time will take forever… 😀 Hugssss


    • Thanks so much for all the encouragement Pink. You are always so good to me. I believe I am starting to see those clearer waters up ahead. 😉

      • Awww…. 😀 soooo great to hear… as your mind calms, the water does clear.. it can be tough at times… I should know… but definitely, yes!


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