A Heavy Day and Some Progress… I guess

Today The Sultry School Teacher is packing up her house at lightening speed.  She’s in survival mode, cleaning out her kitchen and sending me hundreds of dollars worth of groceries.  For this I am incredibly grateful but my heart is breaking.  It’s finally setting in.  In a blink, she’ll be gone.

Today, I had to tell the kids, and we cried and cried together.  I did my best to comfort them, and their tears passed for the time being.

I think one of the most comforting things I have learned in therapy is that each emotion has a begining and an end.  I have to remind myself, because it doesn’t feel that way.   When my heart is hurting it feels like it’s going to be that way forever…

Although, I logically knew what was going to happen, today I am feeling it.  I am feeling myself headed right back to being alone.

As a child, I never felt alone.  I had two sisters, and more cousins than I could count.  Our house always felt full, and despite moving so often, I never had a problem making friends.  Then I was off to the Marines where you’re stuffed in to the barracks with a hundred or so other people in your same age bracket, and your same predicament.

It was when I left the military that the lonliness began.  Ever since I moved to this area some 13 years ago, I have felt like an outsider.  There have been a few intermittent times when I have managed to gather some people around me… a make shift family… a support system… but they never lasted long.  Now, it seems I am just a few weeks from back to being alone.

I saw my therapist, and despite spending most of the hour crying and feeling sorry for myself, he said we are making progress.  For the second time today someone remarked that I looked different.  It was one of those things they couldn’t really put their finger on…  tired?   different hair style?  Nope, my body was relaxed.  Upset yes, but not pent up.

I have been walking around feeling like an open wound these days… so many emotions to work through after keeping them locked away and ignored for a long time.   Apparently it’s working.  My anxiety level was very low today, and even enroute to the therapists office–  I remained pretty well calm.

Could it be that the therapy is working?  Could it be?

Published in: on August 12, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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9 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. It always amazes me how people can see my anxiety on my face even when I think I’m doing a good job hiding it. Sounds like you’re doing a great job breathing through the emotions:)

    • Yes, I’ve always been wound pretttty TIGHT. I guess people just are used to seeing my face with the muscles relaxed. lol.

  2. a lovely post. Walter

    • Gracias

      • thanks for your reply…it’s important to me. Walter

  3. You know how they say anything worth having is worth earning? Well when you finally make it to your happy place, you will have earned it ten fold!

  4. Healing is interesting.. It’s when there is the most pain, that is a sign that we are only getting better from that point forward. It takes time, one agonizing millimeter at a time, but as you get through each day, it becomes weeks, which turn into months, and then years. Pain lessens, suffering though, is a different aspect of grieving where we must let it out, or else bleed within… You have taught me soooo much about being honest with myself. Little do you realize, how much of a hero you are to many of us. 😀


    • Wow Pink, what an amazing thing to say. Thank you, Darling… and thanks for the encouragement. You are right about healing. The other day I was visualizing how my knees used to heal when I scraped them as a kid. First open and raw then scabbed, then the scab shrinks then it’s all pink with a little scar left behind… but not for long. Eventually it blends in and you can hardly tell.

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