An Awkward Talk

“The Hunky Mechanic came by the other day.  I was coming home from the grocery store, and he helped me bring the bags in to the house.  I’d been wanting to talk to him, and let him know that I’m over the reclusive stage I’d been going through.

I was feeling light hearted and confident… tossing little jokes his direction, teasing with him but The Mechanic seemed to be in a fairly serious mood.

We chatted easily and I told him “no strings attached” is definitely not what I want.  I told him I want to go slow, and establish a solid emotional foundation in a relationship first.

I suggested we hang out together, play together or maybe even take on some kind of home project together…  like the second bathroom at his house.  He started re-doing it years ago and stalled.

I don’t think I really got to know him when we dated before and I guarantee he didn’t get to know me all that well.  There were a lot of things I kept to myself, and he didn’t seem all that interested anyway.  Things seem to be smooth, with both of us keeping the peace — and maybe he was happy with that.

The Mechanic, true to form, didn’t like any of my ideas and suggested we take his dirtbike out in to the woods and shoot some guns.  I passed…  He knows these woods from hunting them all his life, but I don’t know the woods.  I’m cool if it’s camping and I am we are tethered to a home base, but I don’t want to go driving around randomly in the woods.

When I said that, the room went dead silent and he just stared at me.  I’m not sure why he seemed so surprised but he changed the subject after that.

Eventually we got around to talking about the whole cellibacy thing.  He was , of course, skeptical since he remembers that I totatlly wore him out.  I had that man begging for mercy!  lol.  He said “How are you going to do that, because as I remember…”

I told him I’m surprised too but this is really what my soul is craving right now.  Then he tried bargaining… saying “how about like ‘if it happens, it happens’?”

“No” I said “I’m not even going to put myself in positions where it could just happen.”

People, I know myself well enough to know that if I do that–  it will happen.  I want to take sex out of the equation, at least for a while.  I don’t know how long it’s going to be but I want that solid emotional foundation, damn it!  And I’m going to made decisions to support that goal.

We chatted for a while about the racetrack and what was happening there… and then the conversation changed course and I started talking about my writing.  Instantly, I saw that shut off switch in his eyes.  — I called him out on it.

“You stopped listening” I said.  He didn’t reply for a moment, and then “yeah, I get it…” and regurgitated my words back to me with complete disinterest.  “See, you aren’t interested in this stuff” I said rather matter of fact.

Very soon after that, he made his escape… and I haven’t heard from him since.  He didn’t even say anything about it.  He just disappeared.  All I can do is shake my head.

That’s fine with me.  I always had this feeling that he wasn’t interested in me specifically but just in having a woman by his side that wouldn’t be a hassle.  No thanks… I don’t need that job.

Published in: on July 22, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. This is so, SO timely:

    “I always had this feeling that he wasn’t interested in me specifically but just in having a woman by his side that wouldn’t be a hassle. No thanks… I don’t need that job.”

    I just had this realization about my man recently, and it was like a punch in the gut. Looks like I am gonna have to cut him loose.

    • Oh no, hun. 😦 I’m sorry to hear that. It’s a frustrating feeling. The Mechanic is a good man & would be faithful & solid but you know what they say. Don’t find someone you can live with, find someone you can’t live without. I’m not that for him either— but you are like over a year in with your man, aren’t you? Damn complicated hearts!

      • Not quite – 7 months in. It’s pretty heartbreaking that’s for sure. But I don’t want to feel like I’m just good enough, and interchangeable.

      • Hell no… No one wants to feel like they are interchangeable. That’s terrible. A good description but a terrible feeling. I only meant that you have much time invested and even if he isn’t “the one” I’m sure you’ve become attached to each other. Sending good vibes you’re way Monogamist.

      • Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I’m pretty attached despite the fact that the “cons” list is sooooo much longer than the “pros” list. I actually made a list. Seeing it in black and white made it impossible for me to keep pretending.

      • I don’t know why we do that to ourselves but I must admit I’ve done some pretending myself in the past.

  2. I have been on vacation, and yours in the first blog I had to come catch up on! I am so glad to see that you are really regarding yourself the way you should! It’s crazy, but that whole celibacy thing does work. I had a best friend growing up who had a pretty super charged sex drive, and she and I took totally different paths… I held out for relationships while she jumped at physical gratification. A few years ago she finally decided to take my advice, which was to grow out her hair and try a little holding back… now she’s married! Not sure if it was the hairstyle, or the waiting that helped her more, but I’d like to think it was a little of both!

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