Thoughtful and Introspective

It seems the older I get, the more important truth and light and responsibility become.  By light, I mean being able to live your life out in the open with nothing to hide.  I believe the things we hide are generally things we know in our hearts we shouldn’t be doing.  Some would not agree with me and claim to hide things to avoid the judgement of others.  Still, I say, if you know what you’re doing is right—or at least right for you, then what do you care what other people think?

The last two nights at work we have had DUI crashes where a woman has come forward and obviously lied to cover for her male counterpart  (husband or whatever).   I am mystified.  Why would a person do that?  There’s no dignity in that.  There is no dignity in having the cops question you like crazy because they know you’re lying, even put you in cuffs for obstruction…. And for what??  So another doesn’t have to take responsibility for his actions?!  No thanks!  I would never do that.  Seriously dude, handle your own shit.  I’ll be there for you.  I’ll be loving and supportive, but you’ll have to endure your own consequences.  I can’t even fathom it being any other way.

I’m sitting here at my work console feeling introspective and thoughtful.  It’s a feeling that has been with me a lot over the last few days.  I am remembering my past relationships, joys and my own missteps… mostly I have been thinking about how I felt during those times.

My high school sweetheart was a wonderful guy.  He still is from what I gathered.  We emailed a little bit a few years ago.  For some reason, he’s been on my mind.   The Drummer is the son of a nurse, and a retired Marine Colonel.  All in all, he had a comfortable and healthy upbringing…  unlike my own.  He’s kind, smart, and also strongly opinionated.  He wrote poetry and sang for me.  Of course, our relationship wasn’t perfect but it was very very good… If I found someone like that now, I think I’d fall on my knees and burst in to tears.

Then I went and ruined it.  He graduated and we moved in together.  I was finishing my last year in high school and making plans to run off to The Marines.  I was young and stupid and scared.  I started picking fights, and drifting away from him until I finally left—blaming it all on him instead of saying what it really was.  I wanted out.  Although he was wonderful, there was a whole big world out there, and I was way to young to think about getting married or anything like that.  I could have honored what we shared together, instead of diminishing it and making our troubles a thousand times more important than the good things.

I can see it now, but at the time I was completely unaware.  I  had no idea how to be in a healthy relationship.  Hell, I even enlisted without even talking to him about it.  He never did that sort of thing to me.  I made so many mistakes.  I didn’t appreciate him like I should have.  I loved him but not with the kind of depth that he deserved.  He was always good to me, even when I was fighting with him over stupid shit and totally unaware of why I was doing it.  When I found him online some 11 years after the split and apologized like an addict workin’ a 12 step program…  He simply said “Sometimes you’re the statue, sometimes you’re the bird.”

I sometimes wonder how much his solid home life and his parent’s example of a loving healthy marriage played in to the type of person he is inside a relationship.   I remember Mr. Cool once telling me that his new wife is one of the least screwed up people he’s ever met.  She was raised in a healthy home environment  and he believes that’s the key to a healthy relationship.  If that’s the case then what does that say about me?

Seems like when you had a screwed up childhood invaded by abuse and dysfunction like mine, an isidious sense of fear and mistrust get embedded in your DNA.  You instinctly learn to keep things to yourself, and behave in a self preserving way.  You learn to survive using whatever coping techniques you’ve gained along the way.  There were so many things I did without even realizing how messed up it was.  It was like being sick, and not realizing you’re sick — insisting that you’re fine.

I suppose you just have to learn how to manage if a broken road has been your path through life…  learn a new way of being and I’m learning.

Published in: on July 12, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I do think people with healthy home lives have healthier relationships… I’ve dated people from divorced families and they were all 100x more difficult to date than those from married parents. I was raised in a good home though and think I’m kind of messed up in ways.

    • Whenever faced with this question, I always think about The Sultry School Teacher. She and her ex are both from solid traditional nuclear families with parents who stayed together all their lives. They are also both highly educated and yet they had enough problems to pull them apart. I’m sure there are studies and statistics, but I don’t think anyone really knows the answer. I even had one man who’s been married for some 26 years say it’s just the luck of the draw.

      I think we ALL have our issues, it’s just a matter of how we choose to behave with those in mind…

      • I do agree that we definitely have our issues… But I’m a believer that how you’re raised has a huge impact on your life/relationships, and I think having a single parent or parents who are in dysfunctional relationships causes bigger issues than those with happy marriages. Obviously people with married parents still get divorced, but yeah… It would be interesting to see some stats on the outcome of marriages with married/divorced parents.

      • I’m not comforted by statistics as I know they can easily be swayed. I know many wonderful men that were raised by single mothers. I do not agree that this situation creates bigger problems. Married parents don’t necessarily equal healthy parents and vice versa. I have also seen couples in happy marriages who’s children walking disasters. We each have our own individual trials and tribulations– it’s an injustice to lump people in together and make assumptions about them as a group. What matters the most is what we do with what we’ve been through. We can take our advantages in life, maybe having a healthy wonderful childhood and squander them– or we can take our adversity and turn it in to charachter.

      • I don’t necessarily think it’s the “single parent” part. I think it’s when children have to witness the unhappy times before the divorce and then watch the actual divorce. Also, with single parents CAN come a failed relationships and the children have to deal with the separation of somebody they were close to (their mother/father’s new SO). But I think unhappily married parents would face the same issues. However, when I say that the people I’ve dated who are from divorced families, they all saw the entire divorce. All of my friends and two long relationships (and my parents) are all very happily married. So I think all of that plays into it.

  2. I can totally relate to this. When Sean and I were younger we would sometimes have a normal fight, and I would say “I’m outta here, I’m leaving”… and there’s no reason to leave a man over whether your house should have crunchy peanut butter or creamy. At the time, I felt like it HAD to be my way, because I had to protect myself at all costs. Good thing I finally learned it is possible to have it crunch and creamy under the same roof!!

    • Fear does crazy things to people. It can make us do things that make no sense at all.

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