Embrace Change – Strive for Positive Transformation

Today my horoscope says “Embrace Change”.  It says

Don’t take “no” for an answer.  Collect what’s owed to you.   Put pressure on anyone who has been unfair.   A new spin on an old partnership will bring greater equality to your relationship.  Embrace change and strive for positive transformation.

That’s what I’m doing.  Embracing the change in myself from the timid woman I have become over the last few years, to a more bold, brave, authentic me.

I can’t help but think about The Ambassador at the mention of an old partnership, and greater equality in a relationship.  I still miss him.  I still read his horoscope everyday, but it doesn’t hurt now like it once did.  I still reach for my phone hoping to see his name when I wake in the morning.  I wonder if today will be the day he’ll contact me, but I’m not holding my breath.  I won’t be the one making contact at this point, I can tell you that.

I’ve been emailing with one of my reader friends who is struggling to hang on to his marriage.  In my eyes he is making a valiant effort and I really hope it goes well for him.  He mentioned that he has started The Love Dare.  You may have heard of this book.  It’s a christian based book to help us learn how to love better, and more like Jesus Christ.  It’s really a book about your walk with God, but greatly involving marriage.  The movie “Fireproof” with Kirk Cameron was based on this book.

I have the book, but I didn’t find it until years after my marriage had ended.  Still, it’s a beautiful piece of work filled with scripture and thoughts on love.  My mission in life at this point is to learn how to love better–  everyone in my life.

I have read the book before, and read through it once again.  It’s perfect for some circumstances in relationships, but not others.  I am someone who struggles with keeping firm boundaries, so for me, it may not be the right fit.  It’s that balance between loving no matter what, and yet not letting yourself get stepped on.

I’ve always been troubled by some things in The Love Dare.  I have tried to love harder in my relationships but in many cases this just may not be appropriate.  There are times when the balance of the relationship turns, and one ends up on top pretty well stomping the other partner.  At that point, to remain in the lower position just begging to hang on to crumbs you’re getting tossed just doesn’t seem like the right answer.  It further throws off the balance of that relationship and can also read like desperation.

Desperation is never good.  It makes the other person feel like they are being pulled under and drowned.  It’s suffocating and pulls all kinds of guilt and obligation in to the scenario.  A situation like this is no time to lay down and be the door mat.  It’s a time for tough love.

As I was poking around The Love Dare website, I found a book about just that.  It’s called “Love Must Be Tough” by James Dobson.  I checked it out on Amazon and found that it gives guidance on how to handle such situations.  It talks about what one partner may be feelings when they feel driven to leave the relationship.  It also talks about when one partner withdraws from the other.

I have such a hard time dealing with this..  the withdrawing.  I’m growing though, and doing better.  I am finding it much easier to respect my partner’s space these days, and not panic over it.

It seems the author himself was a King Wishy-Washy with his wife before they were married.  He said he kept her guessing about how he felt for 2 years, and even broke it off a couple of times before they came together for good.  “Hmmmm, interesting,” I thought.  I have to have this book.

Despite my current restriction from self help reading, I ordered it and had it shipped overnight.  Like Columbuscynic commented on one of my posts a few weeks ago, it is just an affirmation of what I already know.  I know it’s time to toughen up…  maybe the book will give me some guidance and encouragement in doing that.  We shall see.

Published in: on July 5, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (8)  
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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I wanna read that book! Just to validate that I was not the only lady crazy enough to have given a Mr. Wishy Washy a second, third, okay, maybe fourth chance! I lost count, but I do know, I don’t regret taking him back as many times as it took to make him MINE! 🙂

    • I just love your love story, Tiff… however I’m sure it was quite a struggle when u were in the midst of it. I have no idea this story will turn out in the end but right now I can use some toughness as I move forward with my life.

      • You’re exactly right. I can remember crying myself to sleep so many times… always wondering what it would take for him to make that final move. To be honest I sometimes wonder if my low self-esteem at the time made it even easier for him to go back and forth, and I wonder if I would have let him back in if it all happened at this age instead of that one. I guess he’s lucky, he caught me at a moment when I was running low on toughness. I hope you forever hang onto your clarity in this moment and your need to keep moving forward, and yet I hope you never lose the belief that happy endings sometimes happen…

      • I def believe in happy endings but only God knows how the road goes. At this point i really have no choice but to move forward & let God take care of the rest.

  2. Cadence, thanks for this post. I too have the same problem as you do. Giving of myself too much and getting trampled on. Yikes! Next time I’m at the bookstore I will look for the “Love Must Be Tough” book and check it out.
    A timely post for me for sure. Thanks.

    • I’m so glad this post was timely for u. I love to find a story that speaks to me at just the right time. Hope your situation sorts it’s self out in a positive way… Here’s to a dash of toughness to balance us out! Cheers!

  3. a soft post

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