Days of Significance

I was laughing yesterday.  Seems like it’s been an eternity since I’ve laughed like that.  Seems so odd to me, I’m definitely someone who laughs very easily.  HA, so much so that there are times when every else in the room just stares in my direction.  Bitches can’t keep up.  lol.

So, this is good.  I’m starting to come out of the dark cloudy place I was in.  My anger is fading, and the longing doesn’t sting as much.  It seems my friends wish I’d stay angry at him forever.   They would love to junk punch him at this point, after all he’s put me through…  but that’s not me.  I appreciate being slow to anger and quick to forgive.  I just have to make sure I’m actually working through the hurts, instead of pushing them to the side and ignoring them.

I felt my emotions turn a corner and start to improve after the most recent days of significance.  I still hadn’t heard from The Ambassador, but I knew that his vacation days were ending.  He was staring down his first day in the new store, in the job he promoted in to.  The day after that was his birthday (35 years old), and the very next day the anniversary of his sobriety (6 years).

He was heavy on my mind and I wanted to let him know I still love him…  despite his stupid and inconsiderate actions as of late.  I thought about sending balloons.  That’s what I did for him last year and it’s a fun memory.

I decided against it though, for a bunch of reasons.  First, I still have some lingering anger.  Next, it kind of felt like me chasing him again, and I won’t do that.  He knows how to reach me.  Also,  I don’t know what’s going on in his world and didn’t want to embarrass him or give him something to have to explain on his second day on the job.

When it came down to it, I sent him an email just saying I knew the next three days were important and wanted him to know I was thinking of him.  Good luck, Happy Birthday, and Congrats.

I struggled for a couple days thinking maybe he didn’t get the email.  Did he think I was still angry at him?  Wondering if he had changed his phone number since he moved.  Teetering on the edge of calling him, but I didn’t.

I stood firm and things got easier after that.  Ya know, I realize he was scared but as The Sultry School Teacher pointed out, I did everything I could to make our relationship a safe place.  He needs time to get his head and his heart right if anything ever were to happen with us again…

Plus, he seemed to work pretty hard to get away from me this last time, so fine, I’ll let him.  He knows where I am and how to reach me.  He can find me if he wants to.  He did the last time he went off with another girl.  He had lost my phone number, but he knows where I live and even appeared at one of my regular haunts.

I’m still sad.  I still miss him every single day, but I’m determined not to go back to the way things were.  If he can’t appreciate me, and what we have–  decide to hang on to it instead of continuing to run away, then he can stay gone.

I still feel like I’m waiting for him to come to his senses, even though logically I know that very well may never happen.  My heart is catching up though.  My heart is starting to warm up to the realization that whatever happens..  It’ll be ok.  God is going to give me what I need in life and in love.  Finally, my heart is starting to catch up.

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Published in: on July 3, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (19)  
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19 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Been also trying hard to kick waiting for one to come to his senses for way too many months now. Doing way better now, but still have a longing.
    Logic and heart are like fire and water sometimes. “Why heart, can’t you be a bit more logical!”

    • Logic and emotion are def two very different things. For me, I am trying to move forward with my life and taking care of me. I’ve never been one to sit around waiting but I am determined not to venture in to romance this time until my heart is really ready.

      Glad you are doing better now… Isn’t longing such a curse sometimes? Do you ever wonder if God put that longing in your heart for a reason? I do.

  2. My heart goes out to you! “Why Men Marry B*tches” helped me a lot as it made me realize that we do need to stand up for ourselves including letting go of the chase. You’re an amazing person, throughout this process, it is evident your heart is gold. 😀

    Pink.

    • Yes, I read that. Maybe I’ll have another look at it.. But I think the trick I healing my heart, otherwise suggestions like those books offer just feel fake.

      • Hugs to you! Healing will come, sometimes slower than we like. 😀

        Pink.

      • It can’t come fast enough.

  3. a calm and lovely warm up post…

  4. I do too. It wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t something. I wonder sometimes though if the longing is really about that certain man or just longing in general…which I then associate with a man.

    You are very strong to wait until heart is ready. Sounds alot like me. I have always prided myself in being able to quickly brush things off and move on. In the dating world this has been to my disadvantage. I remember blogging last year wondering if all these little pieces of my heart that were getting hurt would add up into one big hurt. I think it has. I hope I am strong enough to wait until my heart is ready this next time as I am just waiting for this current ‘relationship’ to expire….

    • I think that is certainly something to be examined.. Whether or not we are longing for someone in our lives or for that particular person. Even my therapist has said things like “people have a haard time letting go for two reasons.. Either they low self esteem or they are afraid to be alone” –I think that statement is a great oversimplification. It FAILS sharply because it does not take in to account all the intricate details of the people ivolved.

      For me, I KNOW I miss The Ambassador. I don’t just miss having a man around.. I could have that. The Hunky Mechanic is waiting is the wings. It’s not that I don’t want to be alone… I could solve that easily. My heart only wants The Ambassador…

      A couple quotes from Nicholas Sparks…

      “The greater the love, the greater the trajedy when it’s over.”
      “The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are conncted.”

      • Love the quotes and I agree that is a simplistic view offered by the therapist.

        I find myself saying alot this last year “right man, wrong time”. It seems to be all about timing and both being in the right place within ones heart. I don’t know, thats my excuse anyway….

      • I looove that. They say timing I’d everything. Hopefully it won’t be long before I find myself with the right man at the right time.

  5. Stay gone…and up and about you go. Nicely written.

    • Thanks… I may be soft hearted but I have crazy resilience underneath.

      • I kinda sensed that too 🙂

  6. TWABAM

    • “There will always be another man” — Thanks, D.

  7. I do think God gives us that longing. I just don’t think our hearts ache for someone without reason. I think when we feel that deeply, there is a purpose to it. Not that the longing ever makes it perfect, or even work out, which only makes it harder to feel all of that. The person I once longed for was lost to me for many many years, and now he’s my best friend. I sometimes wonder why it didn’t work out differently, but God knew what I needed, and eventually he found me… Glad to see you getting to a place of acceptance. Live in the longing for as long as you have to…

    • Have I told you lately how wonderful you are? Lol… I agree God puts certain emotions on our hearts for a reason, even if it’s not the reason we think.


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