Holding On Is a Part of Letting Go

The title is a line my therapist has told me many times and I completely believe it.   How many of you over the course of a break up have pulled out old photos and spread them out on the floor perusing?  It’s a part of letting go.

At this point I don’t know what’s going to happen with The Ambassador but I know he’s all over my life.  I can’t get away from him.  The coffee table I love that stands in the  center of my living room… from the day we went garage saling together.  He haggled them down from $15 to $5 and then bought it for me and awkwardly carried it out to his truck.

The garage sale bench we bought together, again while garage saling.  His buddy, The Goofy Musician, was in tow and we played and bickered like brother and sister as we drove around our small town.  I remember how surprised he was to see that I had painted up the bench and put it in a great place near my front door, under a coat rack he hung–   as if it had lived there forever.

I was sorting my recycling and found the two wine bottles from Valentine’s day.  I go to bible study and we read from the book of his first name, then his middle name…  Even “Desperado” playing on the radio as I drove in to work today..

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?

You been out ridin’ fences for  so long now

Oh, you’re a hard one but I know that you got your  reasons

These things that are pleasin’ you can hurt you somehow

Don’t  you draw the queen of diamonds boy

She’ll beat you if she’s able

You know  the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine  things

Have been laid upon your table

But you only want the ones that you  can’t get

Desperado, oh you ain’t gettin’ no younger

Your pain and  your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home

And  freedom, oh freedom, well that’s just some people talkin’

Your prison is  walkin’ through this world all alone

Don’t your feet get cold in the  winter time?

The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine

It’s hard to tell  the night time from the day

You’re losin’ all your highs and lows

Ain’t it  funny how the feelin’ goes away?

Desperado, why don’t you come to your  senses?

Come down from your fences, open the gate

It may be rainin’ but  there’s a rainbow above you

You better let somebody love you

(Let somebody  love you)

You better let somebody love you before it’s too late

He’s just all over my life, but I guess if you’re looking at it that way, then I’m all over his too.  Every time he pulls out that sleeping bag we snuggled under that last time on the tail gate of his truck.  Every time he sees a Rom Com.   Whenever he pours a cup of coffee in to that mug, or comes across the bible I bought him and had his name printed on.

I don’t know what will happen there but I know that at some point, I will meet a man who is open and honest with me.  We’ll share laughter, and dreams, and spirituality.  Things will roll along naturally and maybe we’ll even get married.  Who knows?

I’m tired of being sad all the time.  This past weekend I went in to an all out project frenzy.  My children and I volunteered building dog houses at the local doggie rescue ranch.  Then we came home and they played while I put together my pool and the trampoline all by myself.

I was all charged up on a girl power high!  “We don’t need a man to put some stuff together!” I cheered at The Sultry School Teacher, as she walked in seeing me putting the finishing touches on the trampoline.  I was almost giddy… of course, maybe that had something to do with the neighbor’s marijuana smoke wafting over the fence.  Am I actually feeling better, or is it just a contact high?  lol.

I also realized while putting the trampoline together that the last time it was up, The Young Firefighter was the one who put it together.  It was a little wonky and we thought maybe the company hadn’t sent all the correct parts… Nope!  Turns out he had put it together wrong!  He was probably drunk while he did it, so that explains it.

Boy, I was beat after that very long, very hot day.  Still, happy and smiling again.

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