Advice Unsolicited and Unwanted

As I have been struggling through this break up, and my therapy–  It feels like people in my life are heaping advice on me that I never asked for.  I think sometimes they do it because your in so much pain, it’s uncomfortable for them to watch or listen to… or because they care about you, or maybe even because they have some stake in the game.

Drinking wine with the girls the other night The Sweet Tri-athlete was globbing it on.  She was rotating between several different types of advice like an oscillating sprinkler.  She was telling me things like “Do you really want to be with someone who can’t drink?”  She was referring to The Ambassador being a recovered alcoholic.  I explained that I didn’t care, and if need be I would quite drinking all together.  Makes no difference to me.  It’s such trivial thing compared to the connection we share.

Then she went on to say “If he wants to see you again, maybe just enjoy him for what he can give.”  I hate to admit it but The Sweet Tri-Athlete tends to be a constant advocate for not having boundaries.

Nope, no bueno.  Did that trash for a year already.  I’m not going to continue to let him toy with me… come around, go away, come back, drift away again, without me standing up for myself and letting him know what I will and will not accept.  She just kept on going… ping ponging around all over the place with her well-meaning “advice.”  The Sultry School Teacher could see me steaming.

I was just thinking “Dude, leave me alone about it.  I’m working through it the best I can.  I wasn’t asking for your freaking inconsistent advice, so just let it drop.  Damn!”  Of course, I didn’t say this to her.  I was just patient and loving.  I know she cares about me and she’s just trying to help ease the pain however she can.

Then, I was on the phone with the C-O a few days later.  He wants to meet up in person.  He lives some 3 1/2 hours away.  I’d drive one hour to the city to meet him, and he’d drive the rest of the way.  The thing is though, I could feel myself hemming and hawing about it.

I was feeling all non-committal and finally spilled the beans as to why…  I’m dealing with this break up with The Ambassador and it’s been much harder than I thought.  It’s going to take time.   I’m just not ready to move in to something new yet.  Despite the fact that the C-O and I have been texting and getting to know each other, I don’t even want to meet anyone new.  I just want to wrap myself up in my God, my life, my friends & family.

The C-O launched in to an entire lecture about how I should just move on and forget about it.  “Don’t be manipulated” he said, and on and on he went.  I corrected him a few times and tried to explain how I was feeling.  It was to no avail.  Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to be honest about your feelings.  It was like he just wanted me to erase it from my memory.

I told him I’m working through it, and the therapist has told me “holding on is a part of letting go” but The C-O disagreed.  “I don’t think so” he said, “I think it’s harmful.”  He works in the psych unit at the prison and with therapists every day and said he doesn’t think much of them.

“Well, I understand that they are just people too but he is one of the most brilliant men I’ve ever known.  So I think I’ll go with the therapist on this one.  He’s spent almost his entire life studying human behavior so maybe he has something to offer.” I told him.

Still, he pressed on telling me how I need to judge people on their actions, not just their words… blah, blah, blah.  I finally said “Look pal, I have lived a life.   I’m not clueless.  I know how to operate my own life.  I am working through this the way I think is best, and I’m sorry if you don’t like that but that’s the way it is.”  And I got off the phone.

I took a couple of days thinking about the conversation.  I wasn’t angry at what he’d said.  It told me a lot about how he sees the world, but it felt controlling to me.  He was obviously frustrated I wouldn’t just do what he wanted.

After 2 days I texted him.  We had a fairly short conversation and I ended up telling him it wasn’t fair for me to go in to this thing half-hearted.  He deserves to meet someone with an open heart, who’ll get excited about him.  I’m just not there right now.

It just didn’t feel right to me, and in truth I didn’t want to go all the way to the city to meet him.  It just wasn’t there for me.  I tend to think that sort of thing is always mutual, but sometimes one person just doesn’t want to see it.  For whatever reason, they have a drive to hang on to it anyway.

He was not happy and  haven’t heard from him since.  That’s fine with me.  Really, the only emotions I have about it are relief.   I knew he wasn’t the right one.  I could feel it, and now it was finally resolved.

Captain Amazing and The Sultry School Teacher have their own opinions too, but they are more understanding.  They’re both pissed at The Ambassador, but Captain Amazing understands because he’s been there with the 21 year old cashier.

The Sultry School Teacher doesn’t understand but she respects my feelings.  I was quite surprised the other day at how self righteous she was in talking about the situation.  “I guess I need to screw up more so I can be more understanding,” she said, “I’ve never treated someone like that.”

I’m sure that’s true as The School Teacher doesn’t have the kind of screwed up background The Ambassador and I have.   Plus she’s hella smart, clear minded and funny.   I totally love her..  Still, I would imagine it would be very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who sports that kind of sanctimonious attitude.   It would be a hard line to live up to.  She’s not very forgiving either.  Once she’s lost respect for someone, that’s IT, Dude,  it’s done.

I think she’s just in that space right now in her healing process.  I’m sure I’ve gone down the self-righteousness path too at some point.  I know I’ve heard my ex-husband say he can’t do anything right.

I’m glad I’ve gotten past that.  The School Teacher and I were chatting the other day, and she said “Sometimes I just want to say ‘how can you be in love with him after everything he put you through?!'”  I just cocked my head and thought…  Well, I don’t love that way.

I don’t love someone because of their accomplishments, or how few mistakes he makes.  I love his heart, and when he makes mistakes I think… Hey, I’ve made mistakes too.  I do it all the time.  I’m totally unperfect.  As long as I can maintain a balance between loving him no matter what, and also not allowing him to step on me, then I’ve got it made.

With all the advice coming my way…  I’m sorry but I just have to go my own way.  I’ll do what I think is right in getting over this break up, and that’s all there is to it.

I hid away in my house for several weeks…  not reaching out to the outside world, even with my writing.  In fact, it took some conversations with a special reader friend to get me going again…  but I’m going again.  At this point, I still miss him but I’m tired of feeling sad all the time.  I’m ready to get going again.

It’s a little lonely in my life right now.  I don’t look forward to days and especially nights off work without the kids.  Those are the most lonely…  Luckily, they are few and far between.  I guess I’ll continue on my project frenzy–  getting things done around the house…  Keeping busy.  Keeping my mind off things.

Next project is to build a table from this gorgeous old door I have, paint wonderfully crackled and chipping away, and some gorgeous detailed table legs that I picked up some where along the way.  I love architectural salvage, and trash to treasure projects.  So much character in there…  So, people… I’m creativity bound!

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Published in: on June 28, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (8)  
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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. a post full of sentiment…from human behavior to human soul…all the best.

    • What a great compliment. Thank you, Walter.

      • Thank you, Cadence.

  2. I really feel you, again! So many times people asked me why I stayed with my husband “after all he’s done” and it’s always in that moment that I am reminded of “all I’ve done” and I think it’s not about keeping score, it’s about loving him at the core of his being. With that said, I think I have been guilty of flip flopping advice from time to time, and when I catch myself doing it, I always realize that I’m not really giving advice from my heart, I’m seeking to help validate someone’s own feelings… The advice from my heart is this: There is a reason why this hasn’t been hunky dory easy to let go. Whether God is planning to send him back or just teach you some strong lessons on the journey only HE knows, but I think you are doing amazing work, being honest about where you are and what you feel is something that is truly hard to do, so keep on going and when you’re friends get really annoying, just say “you’re so good at this advice stuff. You need to call Dr. Phil and see if has room for you on staff, that way everyone can benefit from your awesome insights!” With the right amount of sarcasm and smile, it will shut them up every time! Well, gotta go, I hear Dr. Phil has an opening on staff and I was thinking of writing in….

    • Tiff.. I always love your comments. It has occurred to me lately that there is a reason God has put this on my heart so heavy and it’s so hard to let move along after The Ambassador. Like you, I don’t know if it’s because The Ambassador will come back around or just because I need the lessons. You are right.. Only God knows.

      As for the unsolicited and ping pong advice.. I don’t begrudge them. The Sweet Tri-Athlete was doing her best to comfort me and as far as The C-O goes.. Well, that worked it’s self out, didn’t it? Lol. Funny how that happens.

  3. Rock on 🙂

  4. This is a topic I’ve never really considered until now… Definitely going to make me think about whether or not I just up and provide unsolicited advice. Especially to Ginger…

    • Well… In truth, all that conversation did was show me a bit more of who The C-O is, and I’m glad it did. It just confirmed what I already suspected.. We are not a match.


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