THE Worst Day

I have been just wandering through life with a tornado of thoughts and emotions inside my body.  I know The Ambassador is leaving soon, and I feel like I have just been waiting for that day to come.  I have been a total recluse staying hidden inside my safe place…  inside my house, desperately not wanting to run in to him again out in town.

Considering what he’s been doing, and that the ex-girlfriend he’s been “reminiscing” with lives down south near the city he’s moving to–  I figured he’d be gone the minute they cut him loose.  Maybe then I’d feel better, and more able to crawl out from under my rock.

I’ve been diving in to the church stuff, which is comforting.  I’ve been letting my feelings rain, which has kept the peace that I prayed for in my heart.  Still there have been many many tears.

I’ve been going through a bunch of emotions.  Fear that he won’t come back again.  Sadness that he’s chosen another.  Concern that he seems to be going right back to his old life, where he was when he was drinking and so desperately did not want to live.  He’s going back to the same area, which he’s described as “full of triggers” and even to the same girl.

She’s married, by the way.  You see, she was with The Ambassador but when he had to move up here for his promotion–  she refused to move with him because her family was down there.  They teetered back and forth and eventually did a final split.

At that time she got back together with her physically abusive baby daddy and up and moved clear out of state 10 times farther away.  So much for being overly concerned about staying close to her family.

She married the violent felon and had another child with him.  That would make 3 they have together.  Well, after 5 years they are on the rocks again, and she’s back in his hometown.

This is no big shock to me.  That’s the kind of life The Ambassador and I came from, grew up in.  It takes time to realize that sort of thing is not normal, healthy or ok.  I’m also not surprised because she is the type woman he’s always dated.  Terrible to him, manipulative and verbally abusive, always trying to fight with him.

He was in the hospital and critically ill at one point during their relationship, and I remember asking him once “Where the hell was she???”  I don’t even remember what he said.  It doesn’t matter.  She wasn’t there.  At times I feel completely baffled at how he could choose to leave what we have and go back to that train wreck of a life.

I know these type of women have filled his life…  He told me countless times that I’m different.  I think that’s a little tough for him sometimes.  Even though it’s better, healthier, happier… it feels foriegn.  Still, I have no regrets of being different from all the rest.

I prayed my heart out that the Lord would protect him from losing his sobriety.  I prayed like crazy that the Lord would help him lead his heart.

His last day of work came and went, and yet I still didn’t feel any better.  I missed him terribly but am still gnashing my teeth over the whole situation.  Him breaking up with me for no good reason, continuing to romance me, then posting crap on Facebook that hurt me… and just generally for choosing not to be in my life.

Friday came and although I had been making progress toward feeling better…  that day I just woke up with a feeling of malaise.  I didn’t know why, but I could barely drag my ass off the couch.  I did manage to get myself dressed and attempt to plug in my ear buds and go for a walk, thinking I badly needed the endorphins.

I stepped out my front door and started walking in the oposite direction of where he lived, but before long I found myself heading toward his street and crossing a road about a block away from there.  I looked over…  I needed to see, I guess.  I caught just a glimpse of his back, shirtless in his favorite jeans and boots heading in to his apartment…  and the moving truck.

I crossed quickly and took the road a block down, tears streaming down my face like a waterfall and grateful to be wearing sunglasses to hide them maybe a little bit.

I headed home quickly, the vision of the uhaul burned in my brain.  I stormed in to my house and cried like someone was reaching in to my body and ripping out my soul.  I have -never- cried over a relationship like I cried that day.  I sat for what felt like an eternity, alone in my house wailing and crying–  rocking back and forth wracked with sobs, having to remind myself to breathe.  It was pure raw emotion rushing out of my body like hurricane strength winds.

From the moment I heard he was moving, I knew the day the truck rolled out of town would be THE worst day and I was right.  The air was filled with sadness, anger, resentment, mourning, and profound loss.  I was in complete despair.

You would think his being such an ass lately would have made things easier to see him go… at least The Sultry School Teacher did, but it wasn’t true.  It just made things so much worse.  If he could have just been honest and open with me, things would have been so much easier on my heart and soul.  Even if he didn’t want to be together, if he could have honored what we had and said goodbye, it would have been easier.  BUT instead, of course, he made it in to this huge complicated thing.  It’s just like him too.  Fucking complicated!!

After a few hours of being a total emotional basket case, I managed to pull myself together and go pick up my children.  I suddenly had a strong drive to leave the house…  get out of there, and take my kids to dinner or a movie… just anything not to be in the house.

I grabbed them from school, and stopped back by the house to pick something up.  As I was standing in my kitchen, I heard a truck and looked up to see The Ambassador’s U-haul sail past my huge front window.  No tears.  At that point I was all cried out.

I tipped my head and thought about the narrow side street I lived on.  There’s no possible reason for him to drive down my street except to say goodbye.

Captain Amazing wasn’t impressed by this, insisting that was no way to go about things.  For me, however, it was a romantic gesture.  True, it could have been handled better all the way around but at least I knew he didn’t pack up that truck and drive on with out one thought of me.

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Published in: on June 26, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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9 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. another sweet post…your house is your home…is your loving…a courageous post. Walter

    • yes, my home is my sanctuary… I’m so glad you pointed that out. It’s so different than when I was a child. I remember rounding the corner praying not to see a car in the drive knowing the kind of abuse and turmiol I’d be headed for if there was. I’ve built myself a safe place where I want to be.

      • Cadence…I am very happy with your comment…your home is full of love…you are a lovely person…let me tell you that my mother passed on yesterday…at sunset…in a beautiful winter day…I feel me well…she is well…I ask you to pray a little for her and for me…reveice my sincere friendship. Walter

      • Praying! Peace and comfort to you and your family.

      • my warm regards to you…

      • my warm regards to you…I am praying too

  2. My heart goes out to you as relationships are often complicated, messy, and not logical as it should be. I mean, you’re incredible, but it takes someone to believe that they are equally incredible to be with you. If only you realized how amazing you are, you would realize his move is not a reflection of you, but ultimately what he thinks of himself. I hope you always see yourself as highly as we all see you, our Angel. Hugs to you.

    Pink.

    • You are right, Pink. It was, with out a doubt, a reflection of him. Thanks again for all your sweet words. ❤

      • HUGSSSSSS ❤ Your heart is a fountain of feeling that showers your heart and all of ours. 😀

        Pink.


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