Hello C-O

Tom Hanks in The Green Mile

A little while back… during one of the breaks with The Ambassador, I started talking to this guy…  a guard at a big scary state prison.  We in the law enforcement community call them C-Os.  Ya know, for -correctional -officer.

I think I met him maybe on Match.com.  Ya, it had to be match.  We were supposed to meet up at one point but everything felt rushed and I found myself finding a reason NOT to go.

I did find a good and valid reason and bailed.  I gave him plenty of notice though… After all, he’d be driving like 3 or 4 hours to see me.  I’d have to drive an hour myself to meet him in the city.

We traded the actual date for a video chat kinda date, which wasn’t horrible… suprisingly, as the one Skype date I ever had was -bleck- awful!

We chatted and he just seems completely infatuated, which mystifies me a bit.  I mean he doesn’t really know me and although we have texted everyday for weeks at a time before, there was nothing of substance.  Maybe it’s from the profile… feeling like you know someone when really you don’t.

Well, for some reason things fizzled after the video chat date.  I don’t know why but I’m sure I wasn’t in the best place considering what I’ve been going through with The Ambassador over the last year.

Surprise-Surprise… Last night The C-O popped up.  He texted me a hello.  I told him I didn’t think I’d hear from him again.  I figured he had disappeared.  He said I was the one who stopped texting him.  Funny, I don’t remember it that way…  Anyways we moved on.

He said he wanted to meet at some point.  I said “I’m open to that.”  Same thing I’ve said before, but it’ll be a few weeks before I can get out of town.  Truth is, I’m BROKE.  Went a little overboard last month and I’m still trying to catch up.  I didn’t tell him that though…  too personal at this stage.  Plus, it gives me a little more time to get through this personal growth stuff and make some more progress getting over The Ambassador.

THEN he wrote something that stopped me in my tracks….  He wrote “You tell me then.  But I’ll expect you to follow through otherwise I’ll be really sad.”

Can you hear the screeching brakes???  EXCUSE ME?!!  You’ll “expect” me?    Like I need anyone else’s expectations on my back.  From my past, I am highly sensitive to any kind of controlling  behavior or verbiage–  My mind just suddenly starts screaming “You’re not the boss of me!”

I took a deep breath and attempted to compose a polite text in return.  I said something like “Ouch.  Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.  That line about what you ‘expect’ just hit me wrong.  I know I bailed last time but I had a good reason and I couldn’t help it.  Sorry.”

Well, he must have seen that and damn near had a heart attack because he called immediately.

I picked up.  The first thing he asked me what “Do you know who I am?  Do you know me?”  I stumbled as my internal dialogue was arguing over what he meant by that.  Ya, I remember which dude you are… Do I know you?–  mmmm, not really.  Finally I spoke up and said something like “ya, well no, I mean maybe a little bit.”

Next he asked me what he had said.  I repeated it to him word for word and he replied “I didn’t say that.”

“YES YOU DID” I snapped back, “I’m sure you have the text right there on your phone.”  He sounded like he had a few beers in him.  It was Saturday night after all, could I really fault him?

He insisted he’d been joking around.  I reluctantly listened to what he had to say.  He could tell I was skeptical.  He tried to blame it on my job, but I have always been this way… ever since I was a child.

I admitted that I am rather sensitive to controlling personalities to which he replied he is NOT a controller. “Come on now, you’ve got to have some controller in you… in your line of work.” I said.   That’s when the conversation got interesting.

He’s been doing this work for a long time.  17 years all together in some form of law enforcement.  He’s not some kid still figuring himself out.  He’s found his identity in his work.  He said that a good 50% of guys that work in his field… in corrections, are not very nice people.  He told me he hates people that “Lord over” other people.  He sees himself as the one there to balance those assholes out.

There are many reasons he feels this way.  We are all people and deserve some consideration just for being fellow humans.  You can give people boundaries and rules and guidance without being cruel.  It’s akin to being a parent.

Then he said something hilarious.  He said…  “and that other guy is gonna get stabbed before me!  I mean, I could still get stabbed but he’s gonna get stabbed first!”

I completely cracked up.  I was laughing so hard.  Which led to more real talk about how we see the world.  I’m an optomist sure, and I like to say I see the world through rose colored glasses but I’m not naive.  I know there is evil in the world.  I have known this for some time.  It’s been no surprise entering the field of Law Enforcement over the last 2 years.  When we help catch bad guys who’ve done unspeakable things…  I’m not surprised or changed by that.  I already knew people like them existed.

I really valued his candor.  Too many people in this world talk about life in such lofty terms.. almost too idealistic.  What The C-O was saying was real to me and it was true in the world he lives in behind prison walls.  I reveled in him being so real…  saying something so bold and true.

We resolved that misunderstanding or whatever it was, and said goodnight on a happy note…

Now, I don’t know what I’m going to do with this guy.  It’s interesting.  I think he’s interesting.  I wonder if he drinks too much, but I doubt I’ll be finding that out anytime soon.  Still, I am trying to get through this personal growth work healing my anxiety, and get over this break up with The Ambassador.  IF I feel like seeing someone, shouldn’t I call The Hunky Mechanic?

I don’t know… They are both in this age group my therapist mentioned about men… Usually somewhere in their late 30s early 40s they start seeing their mortality and they don’t want to be alone.  I guess that’s why they’re both sort of pushing…  pushing for a relationship of some sort.

Thing is, I’m not ready for that… and knowing that’s what they want makes me reluctant to even call them.  I think I want to do this go slow, get to know thing again– and I don’t want to lead them on if we’re not right for each other.  I’m SO worried about that with The Mechanic.

I don’t want to get involved with either one of these men and then later have to break it off for pretty much no good reason other than it’s not THAT feeling that I’ve been searching for.  How awkward is that?

I don’t know what to do.  I’m leaving it in God’s hands, and waiting on the Lord for direction.

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Published in: on June 21, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (8)  
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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. a sweet post…

  2. I love Pam, “The Office”, when she says, “the heart does not know what the heart wants until the heart finds what it wants.” As in, your intuition is correct, just follow it. Keep that parking space free. 😀

    Pink.

    • Great comment! Love it! The space remains free. 😉

  3. Interesting that you were able to rebound from that miscommunication… I’m trying to same approach in my life, to just let things happen and to try to guide them without forcing them.

    Thanks for posting! 🙂

    • Yes, I was surprised at the rebound myself! Lol… And I swear, when I let things happen naturally, the outcome is always better. Still, it’s a struggle. Man, I’m so impatient!

  4. Marvelously written. Glad you found the funny side of being stabbed 🙂

    • Marvelous.. I like that 🙂 Thanks for the compliment!


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