The Letter

I have been crafting letters to The Ambassador of Ambiguity for the last couple weeks or so.  I haven’t sent any of them but I am realizing that the crazed anxiety I feel when contemplating going out with him is probably a giant jumbled knot of emotions that I haven’t recognized and worked through.  So, I’m working through them on paper.

I have had this gnawing drive though… to actually send him a letter…  To say ALL the things I need to say, but I have found that lately my letters have been all one way…  either all about the love, or all about the leaving.  Then came today…

Today I listened to my intuition and crafted a letter that actually did it.  It said all the things I needed to say… and said just enough… not overwhelmingly too much, and not so little that it would be hazy and ambiguous.

What prompted this letter was my thought that I needed to lay down a boundary with The Ambassador.  Part of me says that I should have laid it down long ago, but then again things happen as they are meant to.

I needed to tell The Ambassador to STOP being Mr. Romantic Man with me if he isn’t ready.  If he’s not ready to deal with the tough stuff… the stuff that scares him or sends him tumbling off in to the space in his brain, surrounded by his racing thoughts or fears and leaving me back on Earth.

I had to tell him to stop stepping over that line where it stops feeling like friends and starts feeling romantic.

It was difficult because there are parts of me that would rather have a little bit of something than a whole lot of nothing, but you know what–  I’m tired of surviving on crumbs.  This man knows me well enough to know who I am and if that’s what he wants in his life.  I’m tired of feeling like a starving man being taunted with bread crumbs.

So, I started the letter.  I told him what I had never said before.. that I had fallen in love with him.  I told him how I loved him and what it was about us that I am completely enamored by.

Then I told him how tough this back and forth stuff had been for me, but that I understand he needs to work out what he needs to work out…. and finally I told him NOT to come back around with the romantic stuff unless he was ready.  There was A LOT in that letter, but it wasn’t insanely long.  Just one typed page.

I prayed about it and prayed about it… took a breath and then sent it off.

After that, when it sort of sank in what I had done…  I was overcome with anxiety.  I never considered retracting it, since I really did want to say all that I said but wheeew the anxiety!

I mean I must have looked like a wild-eyed crazy person.  For the whole day I crawled my way through life, and picking up kids at school, my daughters volunteering and son’s little league–  just hanging on.  It was seriously overwhelming and I BADLY wanted to take a tranquilizer…  Oh, Xanax you evil temptress!

Ugh… I just wanted the sheer panic feeling to go away.  BUT I didn’t.  I didn’t take anything.  I sat with it in the moments that I could.  I managed to get through the day and I realized what I was feeling.  I was actually able to identify what it was that was making me feel like I had a live wire implanted in my chest…  I mean other than fear.   I felt VULNERABLE.  I felt so-incredibly-unspeakably-vulnerable.  Like an open wound.

Of all the things I wrote in the letter… even the line cutting him off from future romantic interludes if he wasn’t ready… even though I knew I might lose him forever after he read that letter…  even though I worried he might misinterpret something…  the SCARIEST thing was telling him I’d fallen in love with him.

Wow, that surprised me.  There were so many other things to be worried about.  It was just silly worry though, I mean the letter was perfect.  Certainly God’s hand leading me…  it would not be misinterpreted, it was clear, precise, and heartfelt.

I think my feeling so terribly vulnerable was in large part because The Ambassador keeps so many things to himself, and when he does let out some feelings they are ambiguous.. unclear, inexact.

It wasn’t even the fear that he didn’t feel the same that was haunting me… Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t.  This letter wasn’t about that.  It was about what I was feeling.  I don’t know.. maybe it felt like I was handing over all the control.  Which, of course isn’t true either.

It was a big step to realize what that underlying feeling was beneath the anxiety.  It was HUGE, and after that moment the anxiety began to subside little by little throughout the day.  It was still the anxiety roller coaster, but the ups and downs weren’t as extreme until finally the anxiety had gone away.

Also, he hasn’t replied to the letter and honestly, I don’t expect he ever will.  I may hear from him again but my guess would be that he’d never mention it–  preferring to go on pretending it didn’t exist.   Only time will tell, but I am not holding my breath.

Published in: on June 14, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (16)  
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16 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. this letter is also to yourself…a warm post…great!…all the best. Walter

  2. You’re an incredible warrior for your heart. Amazing, truly inspirational you are. I totally relate to your feelings as I have my own stuff to sort out. The letter writing definitely does help. Kudos to you!


    • Just goin’ through life tryin to figure it all out 😉

  3. Wow!The Ambassador is still relevant?

  4. At least you know so you can move on. His lack of response speaks volumes. Even if it’s not what you hoped for, it can still be liberating. You did all you could to make it work. It’s truly his loss.

    • Ya, this letter was definitely one of those experiences in my life that I feel damn proud of.. Not matter what the outcome. I said what needed to be said. I called a spade a spade, and I did it in a positive gentle way. Rah-rah for boundaries! Good fences make good neighbors.

  5. Wow, that took some guts. Way to go!

    • Thank you very much.. I have to wonder, though, should it really be that scary to tell someone you’ve fallen in love with him? Hmmmmm. Really glad you commented 😉

  6. I didn’t realize you were still working on this. I hope you’re able to sort it out.

    • Thanks Danny. It’ll get sorted out one way or another.

  7. Aah, the joy of writing a love letter, sweaty palms, fast-beating heart and all that. Great, eh?

    • Ha! A love letter would have been more fun I think. This felt more like an I love you BUT letter. Lol

      • There is always a BUT in there somehow, eh? You know what? You’ve got real guts and a warm heart..i LIKE!

      • Wow… That is fantastic compliment. I don’t feel gutsy most of the time, but thank you very much.

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