I reached out a time or two, and he responded with frivolous nothingness… just blah social talk.. How bout this weather type conversation. Thoroughly unsatisfying and useless.
I saw my therapist and nearly had a panic attack as I stepped in to his office. Apparently there had been a lot of shit floating around in my head that I hadn’t acknowledged. After pacing for a few minutes, and some deep breaths, I managed to calm down.
He told me he wished I hadn’t gone. I realized this… it was implied in his email message but I can’t say I regret going and gaining those memories. Still, I see his point.
He said my body was screaming out to me not to go… I’m working on honoring my intuition, and listening to what God and or my body is trying to tell me, but sometimes I’m a pig-headed fool.
He told me if I had just stayed with those feelings, that overwhelming anxiety, I’d have grown 2 years worth. I didn’t understand, and I still don’t exactly but I have come to learn that sometimes later his words will fit in to the puzzle for me and I’ll suddenly get it. Ah ha!… like that.
He said it’ s no different from many of the relationships we see these days. One partner more committed than the other… and I came to realize, really, in my heart– that The Ambassador never had time to work through his last ridiculously earth shattering break up. It’s nothing to do with me, or not being good enough, or that what we have isn’t precious… He’s just not there yet.
I know that before that last girlfriend, The Cheater, he had not dated anyone in 2 years. That seems like an incredibly long time to me, but he had a bunch of stuff to work through… Years of drunken mistakes in relationships, and chosing who he let in to his life. Maybe when he met her he was in this open state I’m in now, or was with him.
My therapist suggested I spend my time with my kids, or my family or my friends… even if t’s a sort of replacement for what I really want– a partner. I thought about it… when we’re single, aren’t we all a replacement of some sort for those other single friends of ours? It’s why often times when one of the group finally meets someone, they drift away a bit. It’s not that we are any less important, it’s just that our partner, that romantic relationship, is our primary relationship.
Well, for now the mission is to listen and to honor– my anxiety, my intuition– whatever feelings bubbling up in my body. If that means I can’t go… I can’t go. I argued this point with the therapist because I’m scared ALL THE TIME. I’m supposed to just live my life like that? Like a hobbit? Never going anywhere? Not truly living? He said he’d talk me through all that. It’s a temporary phase. Before long, I’ll be fine and able to go on a date or an adventure without tranquilizing myself.
I laughed at him using that word “tranquilizer”. It’s true though. That’s exactly what I did… and this is exactly what I want… to NOT have to take a tranquilizer, EVER. To be able to live life openly and fully without being preoccupied with managing my sometimes disabling anxiety.
Apparently the point of this sitting with the anxiety is to try to separate the healthy anxiety, from the unhealthy. The unhealthy being when I am in a situation that’s fine, and it’s not the event that’s triggering the hysteria but what I am manufacturing out of it. He told me, just like quitting smoking, your head gets on board first and you have to suffer through the rest until your body catches up…
So, we’ll see…. Wish me luck.