It’s now been several days since the date with The Ambassador and sure enough, he’s gone again.  Happens every time we feel close.  Leaves me wondering what the hell is going on in his mind.

I reached out a time or two, and he responded with frivolous nothingness… just blah social talk.. How bout this weather type conversation.  Thoroughly unsatisfying and useless.

I saw my therapist and nearly had a panic attack as I stepped in to his office.  Apparently there had been a lot of shit floating around in my head that I hadn’t acknowledged.  After pacing for a few minutes, and some deep breaths, I managed to calm down.

He told me he wished I hadn’t gone.  I realized this…  it was implied in his email message but I can’t say I regret going and gaining those memories.  Still, I see his point.

He said my body was screaming out to me not to go…  I’m working on honoring my intuition, and listening to what God and or my body is trying to tell me, but sometimes I’m a pig-headed fool.

He told me if I had just stayed with those feelings, that overwhelming anxiety, I’d have grown 2 years worth.  I didn’t understand, and I still don’t exactly but I have come to learn that sometimes later his words will fit in to the puzzle for me and I’ll suddenly get it.  Ah ha!… like that.

He said it’ s no different from many of the relationships we see these days.  One partner more committed than the other…  and I came to realize, really, in my heart– that The Ambassador never had time to work through his last ridiculously earth shattering break up.  It’s nothing to do with me, or not being good enough, or that what we have isn’t precious… He’s just not there yet.

I know that before that last girlfriend, The Cheater, he had not dated anyone in 2 years.  That seems like an incredibly long time to me, but he had a bunch of stuff to work through…  Years of drunken mistakes in relationships, and chosing who he let in to his life.  Maybe when he met her he was in this open state I’m in now, or was with him.

My therapist suggested I spend my time with my kids, or my family or my friends…  even if t’s a sort of replacement for what I really want–  a partner.  I thought about it… when we’re single, aren’t we all a replacement of some sort for those other single friends of ours?  It’s why often times when one of the group finally meets someone, they drift away a bit.  It’s not that we are any less important, it’s just that our partner, that romantic relationship, is our primary relationship.

Well, for now the mission is to listen and to honor– my anxiety, my intuition– whatever feelings bubbling up in my body.  If that means I can’t go…  I can’t go.  I argued this point with the therapist because I’m scared ALL THE TIME.  I’m supposed to just live my life like that?  Like a hobbit?  Never going anywhere?  Not truly living?  He said he’d talk me through all that.  It’s a temporary phase.  Before long, I’ll be fine and able to go on a date or an adventure without tranquilizing myself.

I laughed at him using that word “tranquilizer”.  It’s true though.  That’s exactly what I did… and this is exactly what I want… to NOT have to take a tranquilizer, EVER.  To be able to live life openly and fully without being preoccupied with managing my sometimes disabling anxiety.

Apparently the point of this sitting with the anxiety is to try to separate the healthy anxiety, from the unhealthy.  The unhealthy being when I am in a situation that’s fine, and it’s not the event that’s triggering the hysteria but what I am manufacturing out of it.  He told me, just like quitting smoking, your head gets on board first and you have to suffer through the rest until your body catches up…

So, we’ll see….  Wish me luck.

Published in: on June 12, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (12)  
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12 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Good Luck

    I went through some trauma some years back, and now battle with Anxiety from time to time when I go out… Mostly I just feel pretty stressed when I’m out

    But I did do better and better when I was in a relationship, and we’d go do things… Exposure Therapy I guess you’d call it


    • I love to see people comment for the first time. Glad to have you. Thanks for your supportive words. Good to know I’m not the only one in this world silently freaking out inside.

  2. An amazing post that I Twittered (hope that was okay), as you’re an inspiration to myself and many others who struggle to find life beautiful amongst the pile of leaves we keep around. It’s going to take one piece at a time, but before you know it, you will have reached the clearing. 😀


    • Thanks you so much Pink & thanks for the tweet. I’m always psyched at the possibility of gaining new readers!

      • Yes, for sure! 😀 Woo!

  3. life is not exactly a struggle…I am a physician and psychoanalyst…let me tell you that psyhotherapy, and especially psychoanalysys is in my experience ‘the cure through a special love relationship’…the unhealthy anxiety requires close attention of yours…please, read this comment with good will…I only want to feel you good and happy living your life…you are a sweet person…receive my friendship…all the best…keep close and keep writing…today here is Valentine’s day. Love is a free amorous way. Loving does exist. You must respect more yourself and listen to your intuition. and listen to those who in fact love you as you are…sincerely, Walter

    • Thanks Walter. I -am- paying close attention to my anxiety silly.. Hence the therapy

      • thank you for your writing and comment…this little dialogue is to say to you that I send to you all the best…my apologies for any inconvenience on my comment.Walter

  4. Always wishing you luck! Good post. I like what you pointed out about single people drifting away when they find that romantic relationship. Helps ease the tension I feel with a good friend. She is here all the time most of the time, then she meets a man and we don’t see or hear from her until her heart gets broken again. While I stand by the idea that she needs to say hello to us when she IS dating, maybe I need to meet her in the middle and not get so put-off when she runs off for a while! Maybe she’s chasing after the dream we all have… the one about happily ever after.

    • Tiff, my first thought was that through all the relationships and all the heartbreak, you may be her one consistent fixture & there when she needs you. I’m sure she is chasing her happily ever after, the only way she knows how… BUT it may be good to remind her that no one person can be -everything- and full fill every emotional need for another. That’s a heavy burden & could ruin things quickly if ur not careful… One of the best reasons I know to maintain your friendships while in a romantic relationship. Good luck with your friend, sweetie.

  5. oh man am I behind the times, some reading to be done it seems!!

    • Yes, well it seems that ever sine he came in to my life, there’s always been something going on.

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