Anxiety Out of Control

Now, it’s the day before the “date” or non-date… whatever undefined thing it is with The Ambassador, and I have secured arrangements for the children to sleep over at friend’s houses.  As soon as the final arrangements were made, my anxiety level spiked and has stayed there for hours and hours.

I feel like I have a live wire inside my chest…  This feeling makes me suddenly understand primal scream therapy!  It feels like I could scream like a horror film actress and maybe that would release all this bottled up energy.  My heart’s beating like I’m running a race.  I feel like I can’t breathe, and my stomach is wonky —  like it’s on the verge of a total eruption.

Damn it!  It’s the day before and I’m already crazy anxious..  If I don’t manage this it’ll really get out of control and I’ll have a panic attack for sure.  Fuck!

I started pulling out all the stops.  I tried to go for a brisk walk in the park, like I do all the time…  but I was so panicked I had to turn around.  I tried to work our my fears through journaling what I was so afraid of and then comforting my frightened child inside  on each point.  Still nothing.  Crazy high anxiety level.  I absolutely can NOT shut my brain off!

I tried the shouting technique my therapist had recommended, which usually helps me.  Ya know, shocking myself out of the anxiety with something like “Stop, this is not helping me!”  Nothin’ was doin’ it.   I emailed my therapist with a request for any relaxation techniques I might not have thought of and was fairly disappointed with his reply.

First he suggested we change plans and stay here in town.  I rejected that idea, as I have done that to him SO many times.  I really want to give him this experience.  The part of the email that really got me was “… Keep in mind you are only extending the intensity of your feelings by going out with him.  A decision today will only cause more feelings and last longer.  What about your hurt, loss, abandonment, wasted time, rejection?”

Well, after that I hell-bent.  There was no freaking way I was going to miss out on this night.  No way on God’s green earth I was going to let my anxiety, and fear of being hurt run my life.  It hurts already… so what if it hurts a little more or a little longer?!!   I’ll take the memories.

In 10 years what’s going to matter?  That I went and spent some of what little time I have left with him here or that I chickened out?  I’ll tell you I will remember the night, or I’ll regret not having done it.  Decision made…  now to maintain.

I gave in and took a Xanax and proceeded to do a looong relaxation meditation.  Finally, my anxiety level started to come down.  I’ll probably have to take double my usual dose tomorrow, but I’m going.

Now my only question is —  Sexy dress or more casual??

Published in: on June 7, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (20)  
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20 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’d say try and go middle ground – Sexy but not too sexy. Casual can be sexy too. (You are not trying to seduce him – right?)
    all the best! …..breathe!!!!!

    • No seduction. I was just thinking romantic restaurant calls for sexy dress… In the end I choose casual. I’m freaking out enough already. Don’t need the added pressure of sexy on top of it!

      • sound decision. confidence is sexy. 😉

  2. loving is sweet…loving is somehow out of control…all the best…sincerely, walter

    • Thanks for the best wishes!

      • thank you for your writings

      • I’m just glad people read them. 😀

      • you are a sweet person…keep writing…keep loving…thank you for your writings,,,and comments

      • I hope everything is all right. Walter

      • It’s all fine. I’m sure things wil work out how they are supposed to.

      • sure…you are a sweet soul. I am happy with your presence and comments and writings…receive my friendship. Walter

  3. Woah! How did I miss this?? Just be yourself. I have a feeling he’s more attracted to the person you are when you don’t put as much effort into it. You don’t need to walk in there commanding everyone’s attention, you just need to show him why he is missing out by not commanding yours!

    • You are totally right. The less effort I put in, the more he likes it. The natural me… Part of why I’m so deeply attached to him, I’m sure.

  4. I totally have anxiety problems too, but they only crop up at the beginning of a possible relationship. I understand what that’s like.

    Good luck! Hope it goes phenomenally. 🙂

    • Hey, thanks for commenting 🙂 For me anxiety can often be a warning so I guess we’ll see. Thanks for the positive vibes tho.

  5. Wow, here I thought I was the only one who breaks out into a panic (attack for me), and my eczema explodes with skin rashes when I’m overwhelmed in the love arena. It’s so tough. I think a large part of us thinks too much, and then forgets to enjoy the journey. Great to hear you are coping, and sharing how you did it. I think you’re an inspiration to many others who are seeking that balance between self-health and healthy desires. I think casual is sexy actually, shows you how confident you are without trying too hard. 😀


    • Oh no, I have had plenty of panic. Before my ex and I got married he used to joke that I was allergic to him. Ha! I enjoy sharing my journey and thanks for the compliments. & casual is def the right choice 😉

      • Wow! I’m definitely allergic to men! I get like heat rashes, eczema, breathing problems. The more I care about them, the more I panic! Hmmm… that or in some cases, the more toxic they were, the more I reacted, even my lip sores (acquired from an ex), would rear itself. Eek… I think being single is the way to be for me… Aesthetically too.. 😀


      • My therapist seems to think the key is find the one who doesn’t cause me so much anxiety that I have to take a tranquilizer. He even said something like that person -drove- you to have to medicate yourself. Ha! I think he’s right for me.. When things were good with The Ambassador, I was relaxed & comfortable. After he ran out on our relationship tho.. On came the crazed anxiety. My soul telling me somethings wrong her– I guess.

        Best of luck if singlehood is right for you. As for me, I am keeping the dream alive!

      • Greetings! Such great points, I’m learning so much! Great to know, and looking forward to reading more from your posts! 😀


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