He’s Moving

Over the last little bit there has been more communication with The Ambassador mostly in the form of text messages.  He sent a picture of the coffee cup I gave him for Christmas… with the picture of us.  Messaging that it would -always- be intact.  Ha!  I’ll never live down breaking those damn coffee cups.

He’s sent a few pics to make me laugh, and  a few “goodnight girly”s.  No more talk of any ex’s getting in touch with him, so I was wondering if the short season of distraction was done…  Then came the day.

He tried to call, and was hit up by my current ringback tone.  He left a voicemail.  All you country fans will know what song I’m talking about when I say it played “You Don’t Know Her Like I Do” by Brantley Gilbert.

What an incredible song with lyrics that go…

Hey old friend, thanks for callin’
It’s good to know somebody cares
And yeah she’s gone, but I don’t feel like talkin’
It might be just too much to bear
To hear somebody say it stops hurting
Or to hear somebody say she ain’t worth it

‘Cause you don’t know her like I do
You’ll never understand
You don’t know what we’ve been through
That girl’s my best friend
And there’s no way you’re gonna help me
She’s the only one who can
No, you don’t know how much I’ve got to lose
You don’t know her like I do

I can’t forget, I’m drowning in these memories
It fills my soul with all the little things
And I can’t cope, it’s like a death inside the family
It’s like she stole my way to breathe
So don’t try to tell me I’ll stop hurting
And don’t try to tell me she ain’t worth it

Cause you don’t know her like I do
You’ll never understand
You don’t know what we’ve been through
That girl’s my best friend
And there’s no way you’re gonna help me
She’s the only one who can
No, you don’t know how much I’ve got to lose
You don’t know her like I do

He laughed and asked “What’s with the song?”

I had been in quite the contemplative mood over the last week or so, thinking about how authentic I’d been or not been with him…  How open I had been.  How many times I had given, not just to give but in an attempt to try to get more attention and affection from him.  I have a really hard time just letting people feel their feelings sometimes.  I always want to get in there and monkey around with it.

I think it’s left over from my days as a kid walking on egg shells trying to keep step-dad #4 happy so he didn’t kick the shit out of me and my sisters. As a way of self-preservation, I am not ashamed to say, you’ll use whatever coping mechanisms you have to stay safe– and if that means some sort of manipulation, so be it. The problem is, that behavior pattern will become second nature after a while.

So, in this very thoughtful state, I have decided that there were many feelings I didn’t share with him in my fear of scaring him away.  I later replied to his question saying “And what’s with the song?  I put it on there because it’s a great song, and I have been missing my best friend.”

He shot back “I miss you too.”

Anyway, back to the voicemail.  He had me audibly laughing at his voicemail talking about how he drives by my house all the time, but it’s not stalking because he has to go by my house to get out of his house’s area…  but if -I- drove past his house it would be stalking.  I texted him and let him know I got his voicemail but I was off to work.

He tried to call again, and was bummed to once again get my voicemail.  I texted that I  was working and would have to call him on a break. Then he spilled the beans…  He got the promotion.  The promotion he’s been talking about since the day I met him.  He got the promotion is transferring and moving in 3 weeks.

It was like someone gave me a swift punch to the gut and knocked the wind out of me.  Knocked me right on my ass, and my eyes instantly filled with tears.  I sadly confided in a friend at work, who replied “It’s not that far.  My guy lives just south of there.”

It’s about a 2 hour drive in good weather.  In the winter it’s sometimes gnarly and damn near impossible to make it that far, but overall it isn’t bad.  He could easily have promoted to a store much further away.  Still, it wasn’t all that.  I mean, we were just chit chatting really.  I didn’t know if anything was going to come of it, but up until that moment, at least I knew he was right around the corner.

I proceeded to cry quietly at my desk.  Letting the tears fall down my face.  Let the feeling flow through me.

Once I got the cry out, I went on break and called him.  I tried to work  up some enthusiasm while congratulating him, but I was gripped by such profound sadness.

Many memories came floating in to my head…  The first time I saw him, sitting on a park bench because the coffee shop we were supposed to meet at happened to be closed that day.  My gut immediately told me I was safe.  I was so comfortable, in fact, that we even rode around in the same car together the first time I’d ever seen his face.  I never do that.  I knew in that very moment that he would be important in my life.

I thought about the time I went knocking on his door, and found him standing in a towel, abs all wet still as he opened the door.  I stumbled over my words like an idiot.

The time I called him after midnight because I found my sweet new kitten dead on the floor.   I was an absolute emotional wreck.  I’m surprised he could even understand my words.  Not only did he help but he was sweet and sentimental.  He drove me out to a spot where we had previously parked to look up at the stars so we could put my kitty to rest in a farmer’s field.

That time he stacked all my wood in the shed while I was working.  When he popped up with antique brass fireplace tools because he thought I needed them.  All the concerts we went to during the summer…  There are sooo many memories.

He also sent me a Facebook friend request.  I had booted him off my friends list because I knew I would cyber stalk his profile, and might possibly see something I didn’t want to see.  I’d probably see any girl on there and think “Who’s that bitch???”  It wouldn’t feel good and I could be really hurt by any flirtation I might see on there.

I initially told him I didn’t know if I was ready for that… but then I decided I needed to see the situation for what it really was, whether it hurt or not.  I can’t just keep hiding from the truth, so I accepted the request.

There were no girls, or flirtations.  In fact, there seemed to be some personal growth in there.  I love that side of him.  That concious side that strives for peace in an inner tumultuous world.

It was nice to see his life, even if it hurt some not to be a part of it.  He snooped my profile and we had a great private message exchange.  We talked about his promotion and a house he almost bought here… right before the demise of our relationship.  Then at one point he said “I’m still so proud to be your friend and will always stay as close as you will let me.”

Hmmmm.

After that conversation, and I must admit… after seeing Captain Amazing and the 22-year-old cashier get back together thanks to a “good-bye” letter, I was moved to write him and tell him all the things I never said.

Captain Amazing, such a good bestie, advised me against sending it…  Saying “You really need for him to come to you if it’s going to happen.  The power needs to shift.”

Good advice, I thought, even though I would have certainly worded it differently.  I’m not someone who clamors for power in a relationship… but I do believe balance is important and love must be given freely if it’s to really mean anything.  So, I saved it to my hard drive and went about my day.

On my next day off, conversing with him by text again I asked “Are you working today?  busy?  I’d like to see your face, in person, not a pic.”  Thinking we’d get a cup of coffee or something.

He replied back “Yes, pick a day.  We have to go to  the next town.  I want to take you to that steak house.”

Wow, I was surprised.  I was thinking super laid back but this sounded like a date.  I knew which restaurant he meant.  We live in a really small area, and if you want to have a romantic dinner anywhere in our county there are only two places to go and this is one of them.  It’s the one with the better food, and better atmosphere.  Even live music on Friday and Saturday nights.  It’s about a 35 minute drive away, and he’s been wanting to go there for a long time–  but my stupid anxiety always got in the way.

Well, not this time…

Cadence:  Lol.  We have to?

Ambassador:  Yes, we have to.  Don’t make me force you to do things against your will.

Cadence:  Haha…  I was just teasing about the verbiage.  I’ll take any adventure with you.

And we proceeded to make plans.

I know there are probably some of you readers out there rolling your eyes at the thought of me seeing him again after reading all the break-up posts and stuff…  but all I have to say is — You don’t know him like I do.

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Published in: on June 5, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. You know, love is always messy, chaotic, feels foolish yet alive, and warm gut wrenching feelings. You need to do what’s right for you, and considering how much feelings you have for him, it’s understandable you wouldn’t want to pass up this opportunity. I totally get it. Kudos to you for being honest with yourself. That’s what’s most important. 😀

    Pink.

    • Yes there’s a lot of feelings there and ya, it feels kind of foolish.. But what the hell– you only live once.

      • You’re an amazing person. Just keep remembering that. Our actions don’t define us but simply speak the truths of where we are, right now. 😀

        Pink.


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