My Black Belt in the Dark Arts of Avoidance and Distraction

I have been mulling over some of my behavior patterns when it comes to relationships and I have decided I’ve earned a black belt in the arts of avoidance and distraction over the years.

I’ve hurt people with this distraction thing over the years, because when things end, they feel like I don’t care.  They have thought I wasn’t really in it because it doesn’t look like I’m hurting.  In truth, I’m not hurting.  I had gone to great lengths to make sure of that.  Avoidance and distraction works very well, but in the short term.  It’s like cutting a weed down but not pulling out the roots.  It’ll keep popping back up.

I didn’t want to feel the hurt and sadness so I chased distraction, usually in the form of another relationship right away.  If I couldn’t find another relationship to jump in to right away then I kept busy with online dating sites, home projects, hanging out with friends, racing out-of-town….  anything.  Anything not to be alone with my thoughts.

Even when I left my ex-husband, we had spent 10 years together, and inside of 2 weeks I was totally involved in a relationship with another man.  It happened so fast, and in such an intense way that he thought maybe I’d started it up before I left him.  I didn’t.

I think it just had to be fast an intense to even attempt to temper the emotional fall-out of giving up on a decade long relationship.

I hurt Mr. X in much of the same way.  We were fighting like crazy, and had gone back and forth a few times.  At one point, I started seeing The Hunky Mechanic and jumped right in to spending holidays together and the whole deal.

The last time Mr. X and I broke up, I got pissed at his pushing and persistence and blocked his ass.  He had absolutely no way to reach me.  Then his cousin died.  His cousin was a terrific man.  I knew him, and had even called him to rescue me with a jump-start of my car at one point.  Mr. X drove over to my place to tell me we’d lost his cousin, and The Young Firefighter was there…  staying at my place.

So now, I am feeling like it’s karma.  The Ambassador is engaged in full on distraction mode.  I had him heavy on my heart the other day, and my intuition was telling me to zip him a text message so I did…

Cadence:  You’ve been heavy on my mind today.  Hope all is well in your world.

Ambassador:  I was thinking about you over my huge cup of coffee.

(For Christmas I gave him a big ol’ coffee cup with a picture of us on it.  It’s a pic my friend took from behind us as we stood close to each other at a concert in the park.  One the other side is a quote from Winnie The Pooh.  It says “If there is ever a time when we are not together there is something you must always remember.  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”)

Cadence:  And what were you thinking?

Ambassador:  That I miss our conversations so much that I’m talking to old friends about them.

Cadence:  Me too.  Well, I’m going to walk at the park today if you want to join.

Ambassador:  I’m working or I so would.

Cadence:  Hope your day is beautiful.

Ambassador:  It’s going great.  No one can touch this high life.  Any higher and I’m going to have to submit to a piss test for the boss!

Cadence:  That sounds like BLISS.

That was a couple of days ago, and I haven’t heard from him since.  Frustrating because part of me wants to say “You miss me?  I’m right here!!!!”  BUT, I also know he is fully engaged in avoidance/ distraction right now.  He has mentioned old friends and ex’s in the very scant amount of communications we’ve had, so I’m sure he’s jumping in his truck and driving south for a few hours to see them every chance he gets.

It sucks feeling like the only one that’s mourning the relationship.  It makes me wonder things like –Was he talking to these girls when we were together?  Maybe just spending energy thinking about them, instead of putting that energy in to what we had.  Split energy is never good.  That’s definitely one of the things that will keep a person with one foot out the door in a relationship.  Maybe that’s what was going on.  I mean, Capt Amazing has kind of being doing that with Ms. Perfect and The Cashier for quite a while now and those girls most likely have no idea.  *sigh*

Who knows what it was that kept him so closed off, and does it really matter?  I don’t know.  It’s not fun feeling like the only one mourning the relationship but it’s my karma.

So, here I am in all new territory in actually trying to deal with these feelings about The Ambassador instead of run from them.  It’s uncomfortable and painful.  Today was brutal.  I couldn’t sleep.  I don’t feel good physically or emotionally.  I’m incredibly sad and I miss him terribly.

I know that I could message him.  I could start this whole routine with him all over again… chase him a little.  He loves to be chased, but the chasing makes me feel inadequate and unwanted.  So, I’ll get fed up and about the time I’ve had enough, he’ll come around and give me just enough attention not to starve to death.  I could.  I could do that all over again, but that routine is not working for me.  It just makes me feel bad.  So, I’m not.  I’ve stopped.  I have refused the chase.

Ya know, the truth is love must be given freely otherwise it’s not real.  I’m not going to chase him, or pry information out of him, paint him in to a corner or manipulate him.  I realize that’s what he’s used to and it might keep him around but I’m not going to do it.  It’s not a real committment if it’s like that, it’s an obligation.  I don’t want to be anyone’s obligation.

I deserve better and I know it doesn’t have to be like that because I’ve had so much love in my life.  I’ve had it given freely and openly.  I’ve been chased with it, and chased off with it.  I’ve also been warmed by it, and enveloped in it.

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Published in: on May 29, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (8)  
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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Another well written post.

    I would be interested in you writing a post as “the guy” What do you think their thoughts and feelings are about the relationship with you?

    • I love that idea… Very intruiging!

      • Isn’t that the million dollar question here? What the heck is in the head of the Ambassador? If this were a movie, this would be the part where he woke up and smelled the coffee he was sipping out of that gigantic mug and came running… Hey, a girl can dream!

      • Ha.. I love your dreams, Tiff.

  2. AWESOME post as I totally understand the ‘routine’ and how tiring it can get when it’s going nowhere fast. Love the line, “Ya know, the truth is love must be given freely otherwise it’s not real. ” And LOVE the photo. LOVE!!! AWesome post. Resonates with me deeply. As always. 😀 I’m listening to the clean radio version of “Dead and Gone” by T.I. and Timberlake. Reminds me of this path we must walk through instead of distracting ourselves with pit stops. 😀

    Pink.

    • Thanks Pink! I’ve been thinking a lot abot giving one’s love freely.. I also think when a person is acting out of obligation– it puts them in a martyr position. That’s never good, ya know?

  3. Such a beautiful post, and a self realization post much similar to one i have just written. This is the first step to change, if change is indeed what your looking for. Beautiful piece and something that a lot of people go through


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